日本研究发现，丧偶男性在身体健康、认知能力以及社会支持方面均出现下降，而丧偶女性则往往幸福感和生活满意度有所提升
Spousal loss lixed to higher risk of dementia, mortality among men, but not women. Widowed men experienced a decrease in physical and cognitive health, as well as social support, while widowed women tended to experience an increase in happiness and life satisfaction.
译文简介
在日本以及许多文化中，男性的生活往往更多地围绕工作展开，他们通常严重依赖配偶提供情感和实际支持
正文翻译
The loss of a spouse is an incredibly emotional and stressful experience, and as populations continue to live longer lives, more couples will experience this distress. But spousal bereavement appears to affect genders differently, according to a new study led by the School of Public Health and Chiba University.
Published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, the study examined spousal bereavement among older adults in Japan and found that widowed men experienced poorer physical and mental health and well-being, whereas widowed women showed only a short-term decrease in happiness and no change in other aspects of their health, and even improved their overall well-being in subsequent years.
根据公共卫生学院与千叶大学联合开展的一项新研究，丧偶是一种极度情绪化且充满压力的经历。随着人口预期寿命的不断延长，会有更多夫妇面临这种痛苦。但研究表明，丧偶对男性和女性的影响似乎截然不同。
这项发表在《情感障碍杂志》上的研究考察了日本老年人的丧偶情况，发现丧偶男性的身心健康和幸福感均出现恶化；相比之下，丧偶女性仅表现出短期的幸福感下降，其他健康指标未见变化，甚至在随后的几年里，其整体幸福感还有所提升
Compared to non-widowed men, men who lost a spouse were at higher risk for dementia, mortality, and daily functioning, as well as depression and a decrease in happiness and social support, which all gradually subsided over time. Women, however, appeared to withstand these health effects after losing their husband, showing no increase in depressive symptoms, and often an increase in happiness and life satisfaction that lasted years after their loss.
Previous research has shown few gender differences in the health burdens of spousal bereavement and primarily focused on narrower lists of outcomes, so the new findings shed valuable insight into the wide-ranging dimensions of health and well-being after spousal loss and underscore the need for gender-specific strategies to support recovery after this difficult life event.
与未丧偶的男性相比，丧偶男性面临更高的痴呆、死亡及日常生活能力受损的风险，同时也更容易出现抑郁、幸福感降低和社会支持减少的情况，尽管这些症状会随时间推移逐渐消退。然而，女性在失去丈夫后似乎更能承受这些健康冲击，其抑郁症状并未增加，而且在丧偶数年后，幸福感和生活满意度往往不降反升。
此前的研究显示，丧偶带来的健康负担很少有性别差异。因此，新发现为丧偶后的健康与幸福感提供了宝贵的见解，并强调面对这一艰难人生事件，需要采取针对不同性别的特定策略来支持丧偶者恢复生活。
“Losing a spouse is a disruptive life event that can influence far more than grief alone,” says study senior author Koichiro Shiba, assistant professor of epidemiology. “We found that widowed men were hit harder in almost every way, while widowed women showed a surprising degree of resilience.”
“丧偶是一种破坏性的人生事件，其影响远不止悲伤，”该研究的资深作者、流行病学助理教授说，“我们发现丧偶男性几乎在各个方面受到的打击都更重，而丧偶女性则表现出惊人的韧性。”
For the analysis, researchers utilized data among nearly 26,000 participants in the Japan Gerontological Evaluation Study, of which 1,076 experienced spousal bereavement. The team examined 37 different health outcomes of spousal loss in three waves (2013, 2016, and 2019), analyzing differences by gender and duration over time.
Both widowed men and women became more socially active after the death of their spouse, but only men experienced a reduction in social support, suggesting that socializing didn’t always translate into the source of emotional support and connection that they needed during their grieving period. Men also reported an increase in alcohol consumption, while women became more sedentary.
研究人员分析了日本近 26000 名参与者的数据，其中有 1076 人经历了丧偶。研究团队在三个时间点（2013 年、2016 年和 2019 年）考察了丧偶带来的 37 种不同健康结果，并分析了性别差异及其随时间的变化。
丧偶后的男性和女性都变得更加活跃于社交活动，但只有男性经历了社会支持的减少，这表明社交活动并不总能转化为他们在哀悼期所需的情感支持和连接。此外，男性报告称饮酒量增加，而女性则变得更加久坐不动。
These differences likely reflect long-held distinctions in cultural expectations for the role of each gender, Shiba says.
“In Japan, and in many cultures, men’s lives tend to revolve more around work, and they often rely heavily on their spouse for emotional and practical support,” he says. As a result, men may have had fewer opportunities to invest in social connections and then feel isolated once they lose their spouse. Additionally, Shiba says, “women in Japan are much more likely to be the primary caregivers for their spouses. For some women, bereavement may partly involve relief from that burden, which could help explain the improvements we saw in well-being.”
这些差异可能反映了对不同性别角色长期存在的文化期望差异。
“在日本以及许多文化中，男性的生活往往更多地围绕工作展开，他们通常严重依赖配偶提供情感和实际支持，”因此，男性可能较少有机会投资于社会关系，一旦失去配偶就会感到孤立无援。此外，“在日本，女性更有可能成为配偶的主要照料者。对于部分女性来说，丧偶可能在一定程度上意味着从这种负担中解脱出来，这或许有助于解释我们看到的幸福感提升。”
Published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, the study examined spousal bereavement among older adults in Japan and found that widowed men experienced poorer physical and mental health and well-being, whereas widowed women showed only a short-term decrease in happiness and no change in other aspects of their health, and even improved their overall well-being in subsequent years.
根据公共卫生学院与千叶大学联合开展的一项新研究，丧偶是一种极度情绪化且充满压力的经历。随着人口预期寿命的不断延长，会有更多夫妇面临这种痛苦。但研究表明，丧偶对男性和女性的影响似乎截然不同。
这项发表在《情感障碍杂志》上的研究考察了日本老年人的丧偶情况，发现丧偶男性的身心健康和幸福感均出现恶化；相比之下，丧偶女性仅表现出短期的幸福感下降，其他健康指标未见变化，甚至在随后的几年里，其整体幸福感还有所提升
Compared to non-widowed men, men who lost a spouse were at higher risk for dementia, mortality, and daily functioning, as well as depression and a decrease in happiness and social support, which all gradually subsided over time. Women, however, appeared to withstand these health effects after losing their husband, showing no increase in depressive symptoms, and often an increase in happiness and life satisfaction that lasted years after their loss.
Previous research has shown few gender differences in the health burdens of spousal bereavement and primarily focused on narrower lists of outcomes, so the new findings shed valuable insight into the wide-ranging dimensions of health and well-being after spousal loss and underscore the need for gender-specific strategies to support recovery after this difficult life event.
与未丧偶的男性相比，丧偶男性面临更高的痴呆、死亡及日常生活能力受损的风险，同时也更容易出现抑郁、幸福感降低和社会支持减少的情况，尽管这些症状会随时间推移逐渐消退。然而，女性在失去丈夫后似乎更能承受这些健康冲击，其抑郁症状并未增加，而且在丧偶数年后，幸福感和生活满意度往往不降反升。
此前的研究显示，丧偶带来的健康负担很少有性别差异。因此，新发现为丧偶后的健康与幸福感提供了宝贵的见解，并强调面对这一艰难人生事件，需要采取针对不同性别的特定策略来支持丧偶者恢复生活。
“Losing a spouse is a disruptive life event that can influence far more than grief alone,” says study senior author Koichiro Shiba, assistant professor of epidemiology. “We found that widowed men were hit harder in almost every way, while widowed women showed a surprising degree of resilience.”
“丧偶是一种破坏性的人生事件，其影响远不止悲伤，”该研究的资深作者、流行病学助理教授说，“我们发现丧偶男性几乎在各个方面受到的打击都更重，而丧偶女性则表现出惊人的韧性。”
For the analysis, researchers utilized data among nearly 26,000 participants in the Japan Gerontological Evaluation Study, of which 1,076 experienced spousal bereavement. The team examined 37 different health outcomes of spousal loss in three waves (2013, 2016, and 2019), analyzing differences by gender and duration over time.
Both widowed men and women became more socially active after the death of their spouse, but only men experienced a reduction in social support, suggesting that socializing didn’t always translate into the source of emotional support and connection that they needed during their grieving period. Men also reported an increase in alcohol consumption, while women became more sedentary.
研究人员分析了日本近 26000 名参与者的数据，其中有 1076 人经历了丧偶。研究团队在三个时间点（2013 年、2016 年和 2019 年）考察了丧偶带来的 37 种不同健康结果，并分析了性别差异及其随时间的变化。
丧偶后的男性和女性都变得更加活跃于社交活动，但只有男性经历了社会支持的减少，这表明社交活动并不总能转化为他们在哀悼期所需的情感支持和连接。此外，男性报告称饮酒量增加，而女性则变得更加久坐不动。
These differences likely reflect long-held distinctions in cultural expectations for the role of each gender, Shiba says.
“In Japan, and in many cultures, men’s lives tend to revolve more around work, and they often rely heavily on their spouse for emotional and practical support,” he says. As a result, men may have had fewer opportunities to invest in social connections and then feel isolated once they lose their spouse. Additionally, Shiba says, “women in Japan are much more likely to be the primary caregivers for their spouses. For some women, bereavement may partly involve relief from that burden, which could help explain the improvements we saw in well-being.”
这些差异可能反映了对不同性别角色长期存在的文化期望差异。
“在日本以及许多文化中，男性的生活往往更多地围绕工作展开，他们通常严重依赖配偶提供情感和实际支持，”因此，男性可能较少有机会投资于社会关系，一旦失去配偶就会感到孤立无援。此外，“在日本，女性更有可能成为配偶的主要照料者。对于部分女性来说，丧偶可能在一定程度上意味着从这种负担中解脱出来，这或许有助于解释我们看到的幸福感提升。”
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I would be curious to see if there would be similar findings in other countries. I live in the US and my mom has lots of social connections and hobbies in retirement, while my dad basically just has my mom. I’ve seen this same dynamic with a lot of my friends’ parents and with my mom’s friends and their husbands. Add to that the fact that so many women in their generation seem to have to force their husbands to go to the doctor, and I am not surprised at all by these results.
I would love to see more efforts at helping men build community later in life.
我很想知道在其他国家是否也会有类似的发现。我住在美国，我妈妈退休后有很多社交圈子和爱好，而我爸爸基本上只有我妈妈。我在很多朋友的父母，以及我妈妈的朋友们和她们的丈夫身上，都见过这种同样的模式。再加上那一代女性似乎都得强迫丈夫去看医生这一事实，我对这些研究结果一点也不感到惊讶。
我非常希望能看到更多帮助男性在晚年建立社群的努力。
u/rhino369 avatar
rhino369
This is definitely a big part of it. When my wife died she was my closest and longest friend. I have friends but our relationship isn’t the type where I can cry on their shoulders.
If we switched places my wife would have several great friends to lean on. They are the people I can lean on. But many widowers get dropped by their wife’s friends.
这绝对是其中很重要的一部分原因。当我妻子去世时，她是我最亲密、相识最久的朋友。我也有朋友，但我们的关系还没到可以让我在他们肩头哭泣的那种程度。
如果我们互换位置，我妻子会有几个很好的朋友可以依靠。那些也是我可以依靠的人。但很多男性会被亡妻的朋友们疏远。
u/Haswar avatar
Haswar
This more or less happened to my dad when mum died. We can still rely on them for things like if my dad goes out of town for something, one will happily dogsit, and they exchange vegetables and berries from their gardens, but that's about it, whereas with mum she had a core group that would be over all the time.
Luckily I have a cousin in town that goes to visit him every week or so and has been a big help with medical stuff. (I don't live in the same town.)
I phone my dad every day just to make sure he's talking to someone that isn't the dog at least once a day. I really do feel like I've been pulling him out of the mire sometimes.
我爸爸在我妈妈去世后，多多少少也经历了这种情况。我爸的朋友圈仅限于要出远门时有人乐意帮忙照看狗，或者互相交换自家种的蔬菜和浆果这类事情。而对我妈来说，她有一个核心圈子，大家会经常互相串门。
幸运的是，我有个表亲住在镇上，每周都会去看他，在医疗事务上帮了大忙。（我住在外地。）
我每天都给我爸打电话，只是为了确保他每天至少能和除了狗以外的人说说话。我真的感觉有时候我是在把他从泥潭里拉出来。
Risley
It’s seems like men need more clubs, more hobbies, more chances to make friends AWAY FROM THE WIFE.
The wife needs to stop being the base for everything. Men need to be able to go out on their own and have separate lives a bit. Ffs it’s being showing that this is needed medically.
看起来男性需要更多的俱乐部，更多的爱好，更多的机会去建立远离妻子的友谊。
妻子不应该成为一切的基础。男性需要能够独自外出，拥有各自的生活。天哪，这已经在医学上被证明是必要的了。
rhino369
That is a part of it. But a larger part is that male-male friendships aren’t emotionally close in our culture. I’ve got 10 guys who will spend all day helping me dig a hole. But we don’t talk about the fact my wife is dead and I’m in crisis.
My father hasn’t mentioned it since the funeral.
But knowing people care is huge. A lot of lack even that.
这是其中一部分原因。但更大的原因是，在我们的文化中，男性之间的友谊在情感上并不亲密。我有10个哥们愿意花一整天帮我挖个坑。但我们不会谈论“我老婆死了，我现在处于危机中”这种话题。
我父亲自我母亲葬礼后就没再提过这事。
但知道有人在乎是非常重要的。很多人甚至连这个都没有。
DangerousTurmeric
That's really rough. I know in Ireland some men have started setting up Men's Sheds, which are social groups where men can go and chat and do DIY stuff. It's a more permissive environment where they feel they can have big conversations and get support, but also informal enough that it's not awkward. Is there anything like that where you live or maybe bereavement support groups? Also, if you are in crisis, don't be afraid to go and speak to a doctor or therapist. Grief like this is not something you should have to deal with alone.
这真的很艰难。我知道在爱尔兰，一些男性开始建立“男人工坊”，这是一种社交团体，男性可以去那里聊天、做点DIY手工。这是一个更包容的环境，让他们觉得可以进行深入的对话并获得支持，同时又足够非正式，不会让人感到尴尬。你住的地方有类似的东西吗，或者丧亲支持小组？另外，如果你正处于危机中，不要害怕去找医生或治疗师谈谈。像这样的悲伤是不应该独自承受的。
Wobblycogs
I'm part of a Men in Sheds group in the UK. We build stuff mostly, do a bit of helping out in the community, look after the grounds of a sports club, that sort of thing. I'm young to be attending, so I've still got a lot of family support, but the older guys absolutely need the group. We have a pretty good track record of getting each other to go to medical appointments.
To anyone feeling a bit isolated, get yourself along to one. There's quite a few around. We have guys that come along who don't know which end of a hammer to hold. It doesn't matter. They get to chat and make friends.
Oh, and while it's called men in sheds, we don't really care who comes along as long. We're trying to change the name to be a bit more inclusive.
我是英国“男人工坊”组织的一员。我们主要是做点手工，帮社区搭把手，或者打理一下体育俱乐部的场地之类的。在这个群体里我算年轻的，所以我家里还能给我不少支持，但那些年纪大的人绝对离不开这个组织。我们在互相督促去看医生这方面战绩斐然。
给任何感到有点孤立无援的人提个醒：去参加一个吧。这种组织挺多的。我们这儿有些人连锤子拿哪头都不知道。但这不重要。他们能来聊天、交朋友。
噢，虽然叫“男人工坊”，但我们其实不介意谁来，只要人来就行。我们正在努力改名，想让它更具包容性。
ilanallama85
My husband has an amazing group of friends he plays D&D with, lifts with, etc. He tells me how wonderful it is to have male friends who can be emotionally vulnerable with each other. They are always supportive of each other. Many of them have cried in front of each other. It makes me feel better knowing that if I wasn’t here anymore, he wouldn’t be completely alone. His family is at best useless and at worst toxic so it’s especially important for him.
我老公有一群超棒的朋友，他们一起玩龙与地下城，一起举铁等等。他告诉我，能拥有一群可以在情感上互相展示脆弱、彼此支持的男性朋友是多么美妙。他们很多人都曾在彼此面前哭过。我知道如果我不在了他也不会完全孤身一人，这让我感觉好受多了。他的家人往好了说是帮不上忙，往坏了说是有毒，所以友谊对他尤其重要。
TreeLakeRockCloud
To have a friend, you need to be a friend. Your 10 pals might help you dig a hole, but do you know if any of them need emotional support? Women aren’t generally tolerant of a friend who only wants to receive support but never offer or probe. If you want support from your pals, maybe try seeing if you can offer it to each other. See if someone else needs it too.
And I get that women have been socialized to form friendships to survive (most of us wouldn’t have survived motherhood without friends), but that doesn’t mean it’s too late for you to try and learn.
要想拥有朋友，你自己得先是个朋友。你那10个哥们儿可能会帮你挖坑，但你知道他们中是否有人需要情感支持吗？女性通常无法容忍那种只想索取支持却从不提供支持的朋友。如果你想要哥们儿的支持，也许试着看看能不能互相提供支持？看看别人是否也需要。
我也明白女性是被社会化训练成依靠友谊来生存的（我们要不是有朋友，大部分人可能都熬不过当妈的日子），但这并不意味着你现在开始学就太晚了。
smokeweedNgarden
Right, I'll be super blunt. My male friendships in my 30's are deep and awesome. But a lot of guys get married and then just stop hanging out.
没错，我就直说了。我30多岁时建立的男性友谊既深厚又美好。但很多男人一结婚就停止社交了。
GentlewomenNeverTell
The male loneliness epidemic is too often talked about in romantic terms. Men are horrible at maintaining relationships and their friendships with men are not intimate. I don't believe it's biological at all, it's what happens when expressing vulnerability and seeking connection are turned into feminine traits to be ashamed of.
关于男性孤独流行病的话题，太多时候被放在浪漫关系的语境下讨论了。男人很不擅长维持关系，而且他们和男性的友谊并不亲密。我完全不相信这是生理性的，这是因为表达脆弱和寻求连接被变成了让人羞耻的“女性特质”。
cheesecake_413
My grandparents were the opposite. When my grandma retired, she suddenly stopped wanting to go anywhere or socialise without my grandpa. Despite being somewhat independent before she retired (i.e. capable of driving herself or taking the bus), as soon as she retired she wouldn't leave the house unless my grandpa drove her
He died first, she went downhill rapidly.
我爷爷奶奶正好相反。我奶奶退休后，突然就不想在没有爷爷的情况下出门或社交了。尽管她在退休前还算独立（比如能自己开车或坐公交），但一退休，除非爷爷开车送她，否则她就不出门。
他先走的，她之后状况急转直下。
Sufficient_Spray
Same with my parents in their 60s. My dad has literally dozens of close friends and socializes either them regularly. My mom only ever wants to hang out with my dad even when we try to goad her to make friends and have more hobbies etc. I think a lot of the dynamic depends on the person.
我60多岁的父母也一样。我爸有几十个密友，经常和他们社交。我妈只想和我爸待在一起，即使我们试图怂恿她交朋友、培养更多爱好等等。我觉得很多问题取决于个人。
magenk
I think this is heavily dependent on personality types and health. In general, women tend to prioritize relationships, especially family, but I also know a few couples where the wife would struggle more with the loss of their husband often due to pre-existing mental and chronic health conditions making them more isolated. Extroverts tend to do better as well.
我觉得这在很大程度上取决于性格类型和健康状况。一般来说，女性倾向于优先考虑人际关系，尤其是家庭，但我也认识几对夫妻，妻子失去丈夫后会更难熬，通常是因为既有的心理健康和慢性健康问题让她们更加孤立。外向的人通常也会过得更好。
Levitlame
I’m also curious if that gap is losing at all over time. I’m a whole lot more self succulent than my father ever was. With more friends and hobbies.
But i still see a lot of men that aren’t. So it doesn’t seem like a huge change either.
我很好奇这个差距是否正在随时间缩小。我比我父亲要“自力更生”得多。朋友更多，爱好也更多。
但我还是看到很多男人不是这样。所以看起来也没什么巨大的变化。
scottys-thottys
Yeah as a millenial I believe this gap will tighten. Studies used here are 2016-2019 aged 65+. Where specifically a spouse passed away in a country (Japan) at the time of the study - where life expectancy for women is 87 and for men 80. Not sure how they controlled for age in this. But folks born on average 1936 - 1939 if you use the male life expectancy norm to predict potential deaths of 65 and older folks.
Men in that space In the US are barely functioning humans - at least a good majority I have known and seen. That still lean heavily on “my wife will”
Where if I don’t do laundry, clean, and maintain the house and friendships etc. as part of my daily routine - it won’t get done. Because we both work. I also haven’t met many men in that age range that weren’t full blown alcoholics in my country which is an insane correlation to dementia
是的，作为千禧一代，我相信这个差距会缩小。这里引用的研究是2016-2019年的，对象是65岁以上的人，日本女性预期寿命87岁，男性80岁，猜测这些人平均出生于1936-1939年。
在美国那个时代出生的男人自理能力极差，至少我见过的大多数人是这样。他们仍然严重依赖“我老婆会做”。
如果我不把洗衣服、打扫卫生、整理房子和社交作为我日常生活的一部分，那就没人做了。我也没在我的国家见过那个年龄段有多少不是重度酗酒者的男人，而酗酒与痴呆症有着惊人的相关性。
anuthertw
Im a woman but really can't seem to connect with anyone without a shared activity. Without a better way to phrase it, I socialize 'like a man'. I am not trying to detract from a men's issue here but feel like I can relate to it. It is really difficult when emotional connection isn't an innate skill coupled with the dwindling goal oriented social groups and gathering places. It gets lonely, for sure.
我是女性，但如果没有共同的活动，我真的很难与任何人建立联系。如果找不到更好的表达方式，我就是“像男性一样”社交。我并不是想淡化男性问题，只是觉得我能感同身受。当情感连接不是一种天生技能，加上以目标为导向的社交团体和聚集场所日渐减少时，真的很难。肯定会感到孤独。
ClassyBougieRatchet
You need to embrace being cringe. I've met so many people and straight up told them I want us to be friends. It's good to be intentional. Everyone else is craving connection, too. I haven't found many best friends but I have karaoke friends, board game friends, hiking friends, dancing friends, etc.
你需要接受尴尬。我遇到过很多人，直接告诉他们我想和他们做朋友。有意识地去社交很好。其他人也都在渴望连接。我没有找到最好的朋友，但我有卡拉OK朋友、桌游朋友、徒步朋友、跳舞朋友等等。
pinkpugita
Add to that the fact that so many women in their generation seem to have to force their husbands to go to the doctor, and I am not surprised at all by these results.
This is the case with my own parents. My mother had to remind and insist on doctor appointments. My father get annoyed but doctor visits actually give us important results.
This is why I dislike "nagging wife" jokes. I feel some nagging are actually very important mental labor or task men just hated getting told to do.
他们那一代的许多女性似乎不得不强迫丈夫去看医生，我对这个结果一点也不感到惊讶。
我的父母就是这样。我母亲必须提醒并坚持让他去预约医生。我父亲会感到厌烦，但看医生确实能给我们带来重要的结果。
这就是为什么我不喜欢“唠叨的妻子”这种笑话。我觉得一些所谓的“唠叨”实际上是男性讨厌被提醒去做的、非常重要的脑力劳动或任务。
Yuklan6502
So my parents are in this age bracket, and my mom forcing my dad to go to the doctor has always been a thing. She also: manages all his medications (including bringing him his medicine and a glass of water 3xs a day), doing all his phone calls like a secretary (he has his own cell phone that he doesn't know how to use, so he gives her number out to people. He also has her dial the number for him, then hand the phone over), and managing their social calendar. He took over all the cooking when he retired, and he does the bulk of the house cleaning. He isn't allowed to do laundry anymore though since his color blindness has gotten progressively worse as he has aged.
He says he's banking on mom out living him.
我的父母就处于这个年龄段，我妈强迫我爸看医生已经成为常态。她还管理他所有的药物（包括每天三次把药和一杯水端给他），像秘书一样帮他打电话（他有自己的手机但不会用，所以把她的号码给别人。他还让她帮他拨号，然后把电话递给他），以及管理他们的社交日程。他退休后接手了所有的烹饪，并负责大部分的家务清洁。但他被禁止再洗衣服了，因为他随着年龄增长，色盲变得越来越严重。
他说他指望我妈比他活得久。
sarahhershey18
My grandparents loved each other so much, it helped me understand what love should look like. When my grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimers, my grandpa tried his best to take care of her. It became bad enough that she had to move to a care home. He would visit her every day, as long as he can for years. Over time, she forgot every person in her life, except for him, she never forgot who he was. Eventually, she passed and he was never the same. He was depressed every day, and only lived a few years longer.
我的祖父母非常相爱，这让我明白了爱应该是什么样子。当我奶奶被诊断出患有阿尔茨海默病时，我爷爷尽力照顾她。后来情况变得很糟糕，她不得不搬去养老院。多年来，只要他能动，他每天都会去看她。随着时间的推移，她忘记了生命中的每一个人，除了他，她从未忘记他是谁。最后，她去世了，他也从此变了个人。他每天都郁郁寡欢，只多活了几年。
scarabic
Couples in well-matched, truly loving relationships are the envy of the world while they’re alive, but it seems like the end of life is even harder for them. You might think that one could die happy, having experienced that kind of love, but in the examples I’ve seen, the loss just overwhelms. I guess the two people really do blend together and losing one is an unsurvivable wound to the other.
那些门当户对、真心相爱的夫妻，在世时是世人羡慕的对象，但似乎生命的尽头对他们来说更加艰难。你可能会认为，经历过那样的爱，一个人可以幸福地死去，但在我见过的例子中，失去伴侣的痛苦总是压倒一切。我想，两个人真的已经融为一体，失去其中一个，对另一个来说是无法承受的创伤。
wRADKyrabbit
Spousal loss. So I should be fine never having one?
丧偶。所以我这辈子不结婚应该就没事了吧？
memecut
Good news is, you wont be affected by loss when you never had it.. Bad news is, being lonely can cause just as much damage..
好消息是，如果你从未拥有过，你就不会因失去而受到影响……坏消息是，孤独会造成同样多的伤害。
yurkia
Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely.
独自一人并不意味着你就孤独。
rci22
Also just because you’re with someone it doesn’t mean you’re not lonely.
The most alone and unhealthy and unhappy I’ve felt was during an unhealthy relationship.
同样，和别人在一起也不意味着你就不孤独。
我感到最孤独、最不健康、最不开心，是在一段不健康的关系中。
u/Impossible-Joke-1775 avatar
Impossible-Joke-1775
I can see that. My grandma outlived her husband by 20 years and she missed him but she had a thriving social life and lived independently so she was very happy. Maybe there's less housework and caring for someone when you lose your husband so it's freeing?
我能理解。我奶奶比她丈夫多活了20年，她确实很想念他，但她有活跃的社交生活，并且独立生活，所以她非常幸福。也许失去丈夫后家务和照顾人的活儿变少了，所以感觉是一种解脱？
bafflefounded
My grandma’s physical health has declined quickly over the last couple of years and it’s been a huge adjustment for my grandpa to have to “manage” the household for both of them, i.e. cooking, cleaning, scheduling and driving to appointments, etc. The man didn’t even know how to turn on the washing machine a few years ago. It would not be surprising to me if many men who lose a spouse are then suddenly doing a lot of housework and life management that they have never had to do before - which is most certainly a huge load of stress (as most women/wives already know)! The opposite would then be true for most women, who would likely have less on their plate if their husband passed. It makes sense to me!
我奶奶的身体状况在过去几年里迅速恶化，对我爷爷来说，“管理”他们两个人的家务事是一个巨大的调整，比如做饭、打扫、安排并开车去赴约等等。就在几年前，这个男人甚至都不知道怎么开洗衣机。如果很多失去配偶的男性突然要做很多他们以前从不必做的家务和生活管理工作，我一点也不会感到惊讶，这绝对是巨大的压力（大多数女性/妻子都知道）！那么对大多数女性来说，情况则恰恰相反，如果丈夫去世，她们肩上的担子可能会减轻。我认为这说得通！
Money-Snow-2749
Same! When my grandmother passed my mother stepped in and took that emotional toll. My grandfather didn’t even use technology other than the TV and microwave. She would go to his home to check on him and do his laundry since he didn’t know how to use the washer and dryer IN HIS OWN HOME! When I moved in I would just do his laundry for him because I didn’t think it was worth my mom driving all the way over.
一样！我奶奶去世时，我妈妈接手了，并承受了那份情感负担。我爷爷除了电视和微波炉，根本不用其他科技产品。她会去他家看他，还帮他洗衣服，因为他连自己家里的洗衣机和烘干机都不会用！我搬进去后，就自己帮他洗了，因为我觉得不值得让我妈大老远开车过来。
NeoPagan94
This is what I assumed when reading the article. The social factors of domestic work and what men expect from their wives inform how their loss is handled. Sure, some marriages are 'best friend' dynamics, but MANY couples fall into the 'housewife is the maid' role to the point where the husband can easily get lazy, not maintain friendships or mental effort to do anything for himself, because it's being handled by the wife. They 'get lonely' because suddenly nobody's managing his social calendar, making sure he's eating healthy, getting out of the house, or mopping the floor for him. Yeah, it's sad, but also wouldn't be as big of a lifestyle adjustment if the husband contributed more to his own life prior to the loss.
我在读这篇文章时就是这么想的。家务劳动等社会因素以及男性对妻子的期望，影响了他们如何应对丧偶。当然，有些婚姻夫妻是“最好的朋友”，但很多夫妻都陷入了“家庭主妇就是女仆”的角色，以至于丈夫可以变得懒惰，不维持友谊，或者不做任何需要费心思的事，因为都有妻子在处理。他们“感到孤独”，是因为突然没人帮他安排社交日程，确保他吃得健康，出门活动，或者替他拖地了。是的，这很可悲，但如果丈夫在失去伴侣前能为自己的生活多付出一点，就能很快适应新生活。
ashhole613
My grandmother admitted she felt somewhat relieved when my grandpa passed. She enjoys her freedom. She got married at 17 and was married for nearly 65 years. She is thriving at almost 90.
我奶奶承认，我爷爷去世时她感到有些解脱。她很享受这种自由。她17岁结婚，婚姻持续了近65年。她快90岁了，活得非常滋润。
taycibear
I have 3 sons and when I got divorced I thought it'd be more work going to a single income household but I actually have more money and time ditching him. So yeah I can definitely see that
我有三个儿子，离婚时我以为单份收入的家庭会更难熬，但实际上甩掉他之后我反而钱更多、时间也更充裕了。所以我很能理解这种丧偶后反而更幸福的现象。