第一次见中国准公婆：他们给我 8000 元红包正常吗？
Meeting Chinese in-laws for the first time: Is an ~8K RMB red envelope normal?
译文简介
“我和我的伴侣即将从欧洲移居美国。在他开始新工作、我们安顿下来之前，我们想借此机会去中国见见他的父母”
正文翻译
Meeting Chinese in-laws for the first time: Is an ~8K RMB red envelope normal?
第一次见中国准公婆：他们给我 8000 元红包正常吗？
Hello!
你好！
My partner and I will be moving from a European country to the US soon. Before he starts his new job and we settle in, we want to take the opportunity to meet his parents in China (we are also a bit worried that traveling there from the US might become more complicated in the near future).
我和我的伴侣即将从欧洲移居美国。在他开始新工作、我们安顿下来之前，我们想借此机会去中国见见他的父母（我们也有些担心，近期从美国前往中国可能会变得更加复杂）。
We have been together for almost four years and have discussed marriage, but I have never met his parents because they aren't comfortable traveling due to their age, and the language barrier (I unfortunately don't speak Mandarin and they don't speak any of my languages). Plus, I haven't really had the time or money to make the trip until now; even for this visit, they are covering part of the cost since we are saving for our move and the cheapest flights involve a layover in Bahrain.
我们在一起快四年了，也讨论过结婚的事，但我从未见过他的父母，因为他们年纪大了，出行不便，而且存在语言障碍（遗憾的是我不会说普通话，他们也不会说我的语言）。此外，直到现在，我既没有时间也没有足够的钱去旅行；即使是这次拜访，他们也承担了部分费用，因为我们正在为搬家攒钱，而最便宜的航班需要在巴林转机。
My partner was talking to them the other day, and they mentioned they are planning to give me a red envelope with the equivalent of 1000 Euro in RMB.
前几天，我的伴侣和他们聊天时，他们提到打算给我一个红包，里面装有相当于 1000 欧元的现金。
I personally feel like that is way too much, especially since we have never met and they might not even like me! I also worry it is somewhat unfair to my partner; I am no-contact with my parents, so he will never receive a reciprocal gesture from my side of the family. I understand it is common for both sets of parents to give these gifts to welcome a future child-in-law, essentially evening things out, but that won't be the case for us.
我个人觉得这实在太多了，尤其是我们从未谋面，他们甚至可能会不喜欢我！我也担心这对我的伴侣有些不公平；我与父母断绝了联系，所以他永远无法从我这边家庭得到任何回礼。我理解双方父母通常会赠送这类礼物来欢迎未来的儿媳或女婿，本质上是为了平衡关系，但我们的情况并非如此。
Am I wrong to think this amount is excessive? My partner says I shouldn't worry about it. I'm also unsure of the proper etiquette for the actual hand-off. I have read that you should act a bit coy at first but eventually accept the gift to show respect, but I'd like to know if that is actually the right approach?
我认为这个金额过高，这种想法错了吗？我的伴侣说我不用担心。我也不确定实际交接礼物的正确礼仪。我读到过，起初应该表现得有点害羞，但最终还是要接受礼物以示尊重，但我想知道这是否真的是正确的做法？
Finally, should I be giving them a red envelope in return (perhaps symbolically in my own currency) or should I just stick to the gifts I am already planning to bring them from home? I'm planning to ask for gift advice on Little Red Book as well, but I would appreciate any insight on the money situation.
最后，我是否应该回赠他们一个红包（也许象征性地用我自己的货币），还是只坚持我已经计划从家乡带给他们的礼物？我打算在小红书上寻求礼物建议，但关于金钱方面的情况，我也希望能得到一些见解。
Thank you!
谢谢！
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It’s okay. They may already think you are a future daughter-in-law. Giving you this amount of money shows their recognition of you, also a way of telling their son that they like you.
没关系。他们可能已经把你当作未来的儿媳妇了。给你这笔钱表明他们对你的认可，也是告诉他们儿子他们喜欢你的一种方式。
Never straightly give money in return. Buy them something fancy or rare that they can show off to their friends.
千万不要直接回赠现金。给他们买些高档或稀罕的东西，让他们能在朋友面前炫耀。
Necessary_Syllabub17
The logical part of my brain just can't process it — I feel like for them to like me enough to give a gift like that, they would actually need to know me first? Hahah.
我大脑的逻辑部分就是无法理解——我觉得如果他们喜欢我到能送这样的礼物，他们应该先了解我才对吧？哈哈。
Carr0t_007
Chinese value family connections very much, it’s not like you are just a normal friend or anything.
中国人非常重视家庭关系，这不同于普通朋友或其他关系。
Also 8k is okay imo. 80k is when you should panic.
另外，在我看来，8 千元是可以接受的。8 万元才需要担心。
Glittering_Party4188
Yeah I second this, 8k from an average family that does well for themselves is fine. 8k from a rural family struggling is where I’d draw the line. 80k from a billionaire family —- different story!
是的，我同意这一点。对于一个经济状况良好的普通家庭来说，8 千元是合适的。但对于一个经济困难的农村家庭来说，8 千元可能就有些勉强了。而对于亿万富翁家庭来说，8 万元则是另一回事了！
Necessary_Syllabub17
80K probably would give me a heart attack, lol. Thank you!
八万块大概会让我心脏病发作，哈哈。谢谢！
Sensitive_Goose_8902
When I was growing up, 8k was a lot of money. Now it’s just “okay”
我小时候，八千块是很大一笔钱。现在只是“还行”
Necessary_Syllabub17
8000 RMB is the equivalent of around 1000 Euro and to me, that is a lot of money as well. When I looked around, most people reported receiving around 200 Euro, so I was shocked when my partner told me what his parents were planning!
8000 元人民币大约相当于 1000 欧元，对我来说这也是一大笔钱。我查了一下，大多数人表示收到的红包大约在 200 欧元左右，所以当我伴侣告诉我他父母的计划时，我简直惊呆了！
greenseven77
It’s different from family to family. 8k is ok for middle class, not too excessive. And many Chinese parents want to give a round number, like 1000 EUR your partner must showed them how important you to him, so they treat you like family and wang you to be happy. yah, get them some nice gifts in return that they can show off in the way that how much you care/respect them. Wish you a trip to China!
每个家庭的情况都不同。对于中产阶级来说，8000 元是可以接受的，不算太过分。而且很多中国父母喜欢给个整数，比如 1000 欧元。你的伴侣一定向他们展示了你对他有多重要，所以他们把你当作家人，希望你开心。 是的，回赠他们一些精美的礼物，让他们可以炫耀你有多关心/尊重他们。祝你中国之行愉快！
bklyninhouse
are you german? you need to stop with the german mentality when dealing with your bf's parents. be gracious, be generous. offer and then insist on paying for dinner every time you go out. consider it a win if you pay half the time. definitely come with gifts, chocolates, tea, fruit, nice blanket or sheets, luggage. be generous especially since they are being generous with you.
你是德国人吗？和男友父母相处时，你得放下德国人的思维方式。要表现得体大方。每次外出用餐都要主动提出并坚持买单。能付上一半的饭钱就算成功了。上门拜访时务必带上礼物，比如巧克力、茶叶、水果、优质毛毯或床品、行李箱。既然对方对你慷慨，你更要加倍大方。
changrbanger
There are specific things you should not give as reciprocal gift. No knives, clocks, things that are white or black, things in a set of 4, there’s a couple more I can’t remember but the ones I listed represent cutting your relationship, counting the time until your funeral, white and black are generally associated with funerals, and the number 4 sounds the same as the word for death.
作为回礼，有些特定物品不宜赠送。不要送刀、钟表、白色或黑色的物品，以及四件套的礼物。还有几样我记不清了，但上面提到的这些分别象征着切断关系、为葬礼倒计时——白色和黑色通常与葬礼相关，而数字“四”在中文里与“死”谐音。
Necessary_Syllabub17
Yes, my partner mentioned some of those things as well! I will make sure to properly research them before, thank you for the reminder!
是的，我的搭档也提到了其中的一些事情！我一定会提前好好研究一下，谢谢你的提醒！
k4kobe
Well how many years before you actually met them? How many until they meet you again?
那么，在你们实际见面之前，你们交往了多少年？你们再次见面又要等多久？
Think like 100 euro for one year. I ma assume it’s not far off if you count the years/possible years
可以这样想：一年算 100 欧元。如果按年份或可能的年份来算，我觉得这个数额应该差不太多。
Adept_Swimming4783
The fact that you are seeing them means their daughter already likes you very much and likely will marry you in the future. So they are just showing you their support
你能见到他们，说明他们的女儿已经非常喜欢你，并且很可能将来会嫁给你。所以他们只是在向你表示他们的支持
minecraftvillagersk
You've been together for 4 yrs. That's probably longer than most dating relationships in China. And you guys are planning to move to a new country together. Those things pretty much put you in the almost in-law territory.
你们已经在一起四年了，这在中国比大多数恋爱关系都要长久。而且你们还计划一起搬到新的国家生活。这些情况基本上已经让你们的关系接近准姻亲的范畴了。
PrEn2022
The gift signifies them accepting you into the family. If you REALLY want to make them feel good, start calling them mom and dad after the meeting.
这份礼物象征着他们接纳你成为家庭一员。如果你真的想让他们开心，见面后就开始称呼他们为爸爸妈妈吧。
El_Bito2
Depends on how well-off they are. It seems a lot to me, but then again my in-laws gave me nothing when I met them.
这取决于他们的经济状况。对我来说这似乎很多，但话说回来，我见我的岳父母时他们什么都没给我。
Probably since you are younger and wamt to build a life, they want to give a helping hand.
或许是因为你年纪尚轻且渴望建立生活，他们想伸出援手。
TargaMaestro
In my part of China parents only give future daughter-in-laws red envelopes. Maybe it’s because of that?
在中国我所在的地区，父母只给未来的儿媳红包。也许是因为这个原因？
Necessary_Syllabub17
From what my partner has told me, they aren't exactly wealthy, but they are "comfortable" — they mentioned to him that the money is for me to use for shopping in China or however I please, which I'm honestly not sure how to feel about. If I do accept it, I obviously wouldn't just spend it on myself, especially since we are in the middle of moving..
据我伴侣所说，他们并不算特别富裕，但生活还算"宽裕"——他们告诉他这笔钱是让我在中国购物或随意使用的，说实话我对此心情复杂。如果我接受了，显然不会只花在自己身上，尤其我们正在搬家期间。
sonotorian
The only people who say "we're not wealthy, but we're 'comfortable'..." are wealthy.
只有那些说“我们不算富裕，但生活‘还算宽裕’……”的人才是真正富裕的。
Necessary_Syllabub17
That's exactly what I told my partner as well, lol.
我也是这么跟我伴侣说的，哈哈。
planet_Pluto_1925
If it makes you feel less bad, spend it on moving expenses and things for your new home And bring them a gift from Europe
如果这能让你感觉好受些，就把钱花在搬家开销和新家用品上吧。另外，从欧洲给他们带份礼物。
Necessary_Syllabub17
Yes, that's the plan! Thank you!
是的，这正是我的打算！谢谢你！
cchyn
8k RMB is very much within the normal range if they are "comfortable" (which I take to mean upper middle class).
如果他们家境"宽裕"（我理解为中上阶层），8000 元人民币完全在正常范围内。
Cinnabar1212
Accept it with some surprise and coyness. “I can’t possibly!” “This is too much!” Etc.
带着些许惊喜和羞涩收下。"这怎么好意思！""这也太贵重了！"诸如此类。
But definitely accept it. If you don’t, it could signal to them that you don’t want to be with your partner long term, and that’ll sour things.
但一定要收下。如果不收，可能会让他们觉得你不想和伴侣长久在一起，这会让事情变得尴尬。
Bring something with you that’s not money. Something from your country that they may not be able to buy easily in China. Like, nice chocolate or something. Your partner should be able to help figure something out.
带些非现金的礼物。可以是你国家特有的、在中国不易买到的东西。比如，优质巧克力之类的。你的伴侣应该能帮忙出主意。
And then just try. Try to speak a little mandarin like “thank you.” Try to help in the kitchen if they’re cooking at home, even if it’s just washing vegetables. Ask to see photos of your partner as a child. If there’s any place in China you’ve been wanting to see, tell them and ask for their opinions. Translation software nowadays go a long way.
然后尽力而为。试着说几句中文，比如"谢谢"。如果他们在家里做饭，试着帮忙，哪怕是洗菜也好。请求看看伴侣小时候的照片。如果有任何你想去的中国地方，告诉他们并征求他们的意见。现在的翻译软件能帮上大忙。
At the end of the day, especially if your partner is an only child, your future in-laws just wanna make sure they’re happy and that they’ve found a good person to walk through life with them, a person who won’t take their child away. So as long as you show that you want to be a part of the family, they’ll love you. Money is not an issue.
归根结底，尤其是如果你的伴侣是独生子女，你未来的岳父母只是希望确保他们幸福，并且找到了一个能与他们共度一生的好人，一个不会把他们的孩子带走的人。所以，只要你表现出你想成为这个家庭的一部分，他们就会喜欢你。钱不是问题。
Necessary_Syllabub17
I appreciate your input, all of it is so helpful — thank you so much!
感谢你的意见，所有这些都非常有帮助——非常感谢！
thewordiscoconuts
I completely understand how this may seem illogical and make no sense to you given your situation. However, please also do understand that from a different cultural lens, it is completely appropriate. In fact, for them to give a smaller amount given what your boyfriend has mentioned about their economic status might be viewed as insulting. They are signaling to you their acceptance of you as family, which in their lens, does not have to do with how much they actually personally know you. Chinese conception of identity and family is less individually based. You are family to them because their son has been with you for four years and that means he loves you and considers you his partner. Also, from their culture, if you refuse the money that will not be taken as polite and considerate. It would be understood as rejection. Please do accept it and instead focus on gratitude and the positive feelings that come with being accepted, and enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed. The gift is meant to bring positive feelings.
我完全理解，鉴于你的处境，这看起来可能不合逻辑且毫无道理。然而，也请你理解，从不同的文化视角来看，这完全是恰当的。事实上，考虑到你男朋友提到的他们的经济状况，如果他们给的钱更少，反而可能被视为一种侮辱。他们是在向你表示，他们接纳你为家人，而在他们看来，这与他们实际上对你个人了解多少无关。中国人的身份和家庭观念较少以个人为基础。对他们来说，你是家人，因为他们的儿子已经和你在一起四年了，这意味着他爱你，并视你为伴侣。此外，从他们的文化角度来看，如果你拒绝这笔钱，不会被理解为礼貌和体贴，而会被理解为拒绝。请务必接受它，转而专注于感激和被接纳所带来的积极感受，并享受它本应带来的喜悦。这份礼物旨在带来积极的感受。
Necessary_Syllabub17
Thank you for the explanation! I will accept their gift with appreciation and respect.
感谢您的解释！我会怀着感激和尊重之情接受他们的礼物。
thewordiscoconuts
Have a GREAT time!!!
玩得开心！！！
neodarksaver
IMO - You dont really have a choice to not accept it, it'd be rude. You can only choose what you do to return the favor. Depends on how comfortable they are with money, assuming they have no burden giving that red envelope, just treat it as an honor that they have accepted you into the family.
在我看来——你其实没有选择不接受，那样会显得不礼貌。你只能选择如何回礼。这取决于他们对金钱的舒适程度，假设他们给那个红包没有负担，就把它当作他们接纳你成为家庭一员的荣誉。
neon415
I got $100 HKD when we got married after paying for their entire travel expenses. They also stiffed me with the resort bills for the rest of their side of the family without me knowing, only saw that crazy bill at check out. My in-laws aren’t poor just middle class HKers.
我们结婚时，我支付了他们全部的旅行费用后，只收到了 100 港币的红包。他们还在我不知情的情况下，让我承担了他们那边其他家人的度假村账单，直到退房时我才看到那笔惊人的费用。我的岳父母并不穷，只是香港（特区）的中产阶级。
humming1
Traditionally… (in our family anyways) you don’t give future-in-laws red packs when you first meet them. A gift is sufficient. Red packs tend to be from “older” to “younger” during first meets ; however once you are close to the family, you can give red packs for festive occasions, birthdays, etc. If you marry into the family, and if the family is well off, do expect lots of family gold.
按照传统……（至少在我们家是这样）初次见面时，不需要给未来的岳父母或公婆红包。送一份礼物就足够了。初次见面时，红包通常是长辈给晚辈的；不过，一旦你和家人关系亲近了，就可以在节日、生日等场合给红包了。如果你嫁入这个家庭，而且家庭条件不错，那就要准备好收到很多家族的金饰了。
Necessary_Syllabub17
I wonder if I would still be required to give physical red envelopes when I'm outside of China or are those digital ones through WeChat sufficient?
我想知道，当我在中国境外时，是否还需要给实体红包，或者通过微信发送的数字红包就足够了？
blatantdream
No, if you aren't married yet, you do not give a red envelope. You can give other gifts but red envelopes are typically only from a married person to an unmarried person.
不，如果你们尚未结婚，你不需要给红包。你可以送其他礼物，但红包通常只由已婚人士给未婚人士。
humming1
We stopped giving red packs to our adults nieces & nephews however still give to our parents, aunts for their birthdays, CNY and other celebrations.
我们已不再给成年的侄女侄子红包，但仍会在生日、春节和其他庆祝活动时给父母和阿姨红包。
Necessary_Syllabub17
I apologize, I seem to not have worded it properly: Once we are married, would I be required to give physical red envelopes (even if I'm not in China, therefore sending via mail or buying some physical ones from Taobao) or are digital red envelopes through WeChat sufficient? :)
抱歉，我似乎没有表达清楚：一旦我们结婚，我是否需要准备实体红包（即使我不在中国，因此通过邮寄或从淘宝购买一些实体红包），还是通过微信发送数字红包就足够了？ :)
blatantdream
In the new digital world, it varies so ask them or ask your husband to ask them what their preference is. In my family, when we are married, we only give physical red envelopes in person so only when I see them. Otherwise, a gift card or some other type of gift if done digitally, just not in red envelope format. When giving a red envelope you hold it with 2 hands a certain way so it's the whole action of giving that we prefer to preserve.
在这个新的数字时代，做法各有不同，所以最好直接询问他们，或者让你的丈夫去了解他们的偏好。在我家，我们结婚时只当面赠送实体红包，因此只有见面时才会给。如果是通过数字方式，我们会选择礼品卡或其他类型的礼物，但不会以红包的形式。赠送红包时，我们会用双手以特定的方式递上，这是我们更倾向于保留的完整仪式感。
Necessary_Syllabub17
Thank you!
谢谢！
MrMunday
It’s not custom for you to give them a red packet.
你给他们红包并不符合习俗。
When old people first meet their future child in law, it is customary (not required tho) to give them a red packet. They will use all sorts of excuses, like it’s for your birthday (or upcoming), or it’s for your travels, or whatever. But mainly it’s because they want to welcome you to the family.
当长辈第一次见到未来的儿媳或女婿时，按习俗（虽非强制）会给他们红包。他们会找各种理由，比如说是给你的生日（或即将到来的生日）礼物，或是给你的旅行费用，等等。但主要是因为他们想欢迎你加入这个家庭。
You on the other hand, will not be able to reciprocate the welcome with money (I’m sorry in advance and I know this is sexist but it’s even weirder to them if you’re a female). When a younger person wants to show thanks or love to elders you’ll most likely need to buy gifts.
另一方面，你不能用钱来回应这份欢迎（我先道个歉，我知道这有点性别歧视，但如果你是女性，这样做会让他们觉得更奇怪）。当年轻人想向长辈表达感谢或爱意时，你很可能需要购买礼物。
But cash is definitely a no no. Give them something nice, best if something special from your country.
但现金绝对是禁忌。送他们一些好东西，最好是你们国家的特产。
Even better if you buy more than 1 gift so they can share it with their friends and it’ll give them a lot of “face”
如果你能买不止一件礼物就更好了，这样他们可以和朋友分享，这会给他们带来很多"面子"。
“Ooo haha my future daughter in law brought me this chocolate all the way from Belgium, try one! If you like it take this whole box she bought me a lot hahahaha”
"哦哈哈，我未来的儿媳妇特地从比利时给我带来了这种巧克力，尝一块吧！如果你喜欢，就把这整盒都拿走，她给我买了好多呢哈哈哈哈哈。"
^ that. That’s the sentiment you’ll want to hit. They love that shit.
^ 就是这样。这就是你想要达到的效果。他们超爱这一套。