人类需要独处：独自一人放空自我如何使你更快乐

Wim Wenders's 2023 film Perfect Days was praised for its meditative study of a man's solitary but content existence

维姆·文德斯2023年的电影《完美的日子》因其对一个男人孤独但满足的生存状态所进行的沉思式研究而广受好评。

Later this year, two more self-help guides, The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World and The Joy of Sleeping Alone, are coming out, as well as a paperback, English translation of Daniel Schreiber's Alone: Reflections on Solitary Living, which originally came out in Germany in 2021.

今年（2025）晚些时候，还将有两本自助手册面世，分别是《独处的喜悦：如何在过度连接的世界中与自我重新建立联系》和《独睡的喜悦》。此外，丹尼尔·施赖伯的《孤独：对独居生活的反思》平装版英译本也将发行，该书最初于 2021年在德国出版。

A shift in attitudes
Packed with keen observations and helpful tips, this new wave of books aims not only to destigmatise solitude, but also to make a case for its benefits and pleasures. Such a powerful stream of publications might come as a surprise, at first, to everyone who has lived through the pandemic and inevitably heard of – or got a bitter taste of – the so-called "loneliness epidemic", a term popularised in 2023 by then US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy.

观念的转变
这一波新书充满了敏锐的观察和实用的建议，其目的不仅是为了消除“独处”的污名化，更是为了论证独处的好处与乐趣。对于任何经历过疫情、且不可避免地听说过——或切身体会过——所谓“孤独流行病”（这一术语由时任美国卫生局局长维韦克·穆尔蒂在 2023年进行推广）的人来说，如此密集的相关出版物最初可能会令人感到意外。

"Post pandemic, there [was] a huge focus on loneliness, for a really good reason," says Robert Coplan, a professor in psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa and author of The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World. But because of the concerns about the effects of loneliness, he says, solitude ended up "with a bit of a bad reputation – throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak".

“疫情之后，人们出于非常充分的理由，极大地关注孤独感，”渥太华卡尔顿大学心理学教授、同时也是《独处的喜悦》一书的作者罗伯特·科普兰表示。但他指出，由于人们过于担心孤独带来的负面影响，独处最终“名声受损——某种程度上说是‘连同洗澡水一起把孩子倒掉了’（因噎废食的意思）”。

Now, though, the discourse is course-correcting itself. The distinction between loneliness and solitude, according to Coplan, is an important one, and many writers echo this sentiment. "While loneliness is a serious and harmful problem for some people, it is a subjective state very different from solitude, that someone has [actively] chosen for positive reasons," says journalist Heather Hansen.

不过，现在的舆论正在进行自我纠偏。科普兰认为，“孤独”与“独处”之间的区别至关重要，许多作家也表达了同样的观点。“虽然孤独对某些人来说是一个严重且有害的问题，但它是一种主观状态，与出于积极理由而‘主动选择’的独处非常不同，”记者希瑟·汉森说道。

In 2024, she co-authored the aforementioned Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone with Netta Weinstein and Thuy-vy T Nguyen. Hansen had watched the media telling us we're very lonely for a while; but as a counter to this narrative, she says, "people are reflecting on their own lives and recognising that they are choosing solitude for various reasons that benefit them".

2024 年，她与内塔·温斯坦和阮翠薇（Thuy-vy T Nguyen）合著了前文提到的《独处：独自一人的科学与力量》。汉森观察到媒体在一段时间内一直告诉我们大家都很孤独；但作为对这种叙事的反击，她说，“人们正在反思自己的生活，并意识到他们出于各种对自己有益的原因而选择独处。”

The message of rom-coms, love songs and Jane Austen novels – that we need a partner to be fulfilled – isn't backed by data – Peter McGraw"I have a theory that since the pandemic we've been able to clearly understand the difference between loneliness and chosen solitude," says Emma Gannon, who is also a big proponent of "slow living".

“浪漫喜剧、情歌和简·奥斯汀小说传递的信息——即我们需要一个伴侣才能圆满——并没有数据支持。” —— 彼得·麦格劳“我有一个理论：自疫情以来，我们已经能够清晰地理解寂寞与‘选择性独处’之间的区别，”同样也是“慢生活”倡导者的艾玛·甘农表示。

The extremes of the pandemic – being cooped up with all your loved ones, or, contrastingly, going for months without human contact – had prepared us, Gannon says, "to have nuanced conversations about the differences between isolation and joyful alone time".

甘农认为，疫情时期的极端情况——要么与所有亲人困守一处，要么与之相反，数月没有人类接触——已经让我们做好了准备，“去进行一场关于‘孤立’与‘愉悦的独处时光’之间差异的细致对话。”

Nestled cosily within these timely conversations is Gen Z-ers and millennials' re-uation of romantic relationships and enthusiastic embracing of single life, alongside a careful reassessment of interpersonal relationships in general. Gannon's new novel might be a fictional depiction of a young woman reinvesting in a relationship with herself,

在这些及时的对话中，还交织着Z世代和千禧一代对浪漫关系的重新评估，以及对单身生活的积极拥抱，同时还伴随着对人际关系的全面审视。甘农的新小说或许是对一名年轻女性重新投入“与自我的关系”的虚构描写，

but it will ring true to many readers who grapple with what are increasingly seen as outdated societal expectations to "settle down". According to a 2023 US survey, two out of five Gen Z-ers and millennials think marriage is an outdated tradition, and in the UK only just over half of Gen Z men and women are predicted to marry, according to the Office of National Statistics.

但它会让许多正与日益过时的“安家立业”社会预期作斗争的读者产生共鸣。根据2023年的一项美国调查，五分之二的 Z 世代和千禧一代认为婚姻是一种过时的传统；而在英国，根据国家统计局的数据，预计只有略多于一半的Z世代男女会步入婚姻。


Caspar David Friedrich's famous painting Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog (c. 1817) captures the beauty of solitude (Credit: SHK/ Hamburger Kunsthalle/ bpk. Photo: Elke Walford)

卡斯帕·大卫·弗里德里希的名画《雾海上的漫游者》（约1817年）捕捉到了独处之美。（图源：汉堡美术馆）

In April, a viral TikTok, with over one million likes and close to 37,000 comments, showcased one man's perspective on dating women who live alone, and like it this way. Many women deemed the analysis "spot on" and related eagerly. Nicola Slawson, who based Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms on her popular Substack The Single Supplement, isn't surprised.

今年4月，一段TikTok视频走红，获得了超过100万次点赞和近3.7万条评论。视频展现了一名男性对“女性独居且乐在其中”这一现象的看法。许多女性认为这段分析“一针见血”，并纷纷表示共鸣。尼古拉·斯劳森对此并不感到意外，她的著作《单身：按自己的方式过完整的生活》正是基于她在Substack上的热门专栏《单身补充包》编写而成的。

"The number of people living alone in the UK has been steadily increasing over the last decade or so," Slawson points out, with this fuelling a cultural shift towards the acceptance of single people, and putting a focus on "freedom and independence, and especially a rejection of domesticity, as women are realising they don't have to put up with things they might have been expected to in previous generations".

斯劳森指出：“在过去十年左右的时间里，英国独居人数一直在稳步增加。”这推动了文化层面对单身人士接受度的转变，并将焦点转向了“自由与独立，尤其是对家务琐事的拒绝，因为女性正意识到，她们不必再忍受前几代人可能被要求忍受的那些事情”。

Having said that, our cultural fascination with being alone is deeply rooted. Capturing the beauty of solitude has been a focus for numerous artists over the centuries – from German romanticist Caspar David Friedrich, whose great works include Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog, (c. 1817), which can be seen in the Hamburger Kunsthalle art museum's collection in Germany,

即便如此，我们文化中对“独处”的痴迷其实根深蒂固。几个世纪以来，无数艺术家都致力于捕捉独处之美——从德国浪漫主义画家卡斯帕·大卫·弗里德里希（其代表作《雾海上的漫游者》现藏于德国汉堡美术馆），

to the revered 20th-Century US artist Edward Hopper, and his paintings of solo city dwellers. A New Yorker review of the 2022 Hopper retrospective at the city's Whitney museum noted, "Everything about the urban life he shows us is isolated, uncommunal – and yet his images of apparent loneliness seem somehow anything but grim, rather proudly self-reliant."

到受人尊崇的 20 世纪美国艺术家爱德华·霍普（Edward Hopper）及其笔下的城市独居者。在《纽约人》对 2022 年 惠特尼美术馆 举办的霍普回顾评述中提到：“他向我们展示的都市生活处处透着孤立与非群居感——然而，他笔下那些看似孤独的画面却毫无阴郁之感，反而透着一种自豪的自立。

Daniel Schreiber believes the correlation between people living alone, sans partner, and being lonely has traditionally been overestimated. "Society understands better now that romantic love is not the only model to live by, or something to wish for," he adds. "There are different ways of life, and it's not as necessary to be in a traditional romantic relationship."

丹尼尔·施赖伯认为，传统观念中“没有伴侣的独居”与“孤独感”之间的关联一直被高估了。他补充道：“社会现在更清楚地认识到，浪漫爱情并非生活的唯一模式，也不是唯一的期冀。生活方式多种多样，进入传统的浪漫关系并非必然。”

Revel in the soft blanket, the sound of music, the taste of your food. What can you see, smell, touch and sense when you are alone? – Emma Gannon

“沉浸在柔软的毛毯、音乐的旋律和食物的味道中。当你独处时，你能看到、闻到、触摸到和感悟到什么？” —— 艾玛·甘农

In Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own, Peter McGraw, a self-titled "bachelor", and professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Colorado, makes a similar point, with gusto.

在《独自生活：打造属于你自己的非凡人生》一书中，自封为“单身汉”的科罗拉多大学营销与心理学教授彼得·麦格劳也兴致勃勃地提出了类似的观点。

"There's a lot of mythology around single living, and a failure to understand the reasons marriage was invented – mostly as a business arrangement," he says. "Frankly, the message of rom-coms, love songs and Jane Austen novels" – that we need a partner to be fulfilled – "isn't backed by data," he says, "if we look at the longitudinal data": many studies cited in Solo show that even if personal happiness spikes around marriage, it doesn't last.

“关于单身生活有很多迷思，人们也未能理解婚姻发明的初衷——它大多是一种商业安排，”他说道，“坦率地说，那些浪漫喜剧、情歌和简·奥斯汀小说传递的信息——即我们需要伴侣才能圆满——在查阅了‘纵向研究数据’后发现，这并没有数据支持。”麦格劳在书中引用了多项研究证明，即便婚姻能让个人幸福感在短期内激增，这种状态也无法持久。

The benefits of being alone
Even within a relationship, traditional routines can be upended to allow for more alone time, as advocated in The Joy of Sleeping Alone. Its author, yoga and meditation teacher Cynthia Zak, noticed that many women prefer sleeping alone to sleeping in the same bed as their partners, and decided to write the book, originally in Spanish, in order to advocate for "more space to express what we need and feel, more opportunities to let go of fears and limiting beliefs, and more freedom to choose".

独处的好处
即便在一段关系中，传统的日常生活习惯也可以被颠覆，以留出更多的独处时间，这正是《独睡的喜悦》一书所倡导的。该书作者、瑜伽与冥想老师辛西娅·扎克注意到，许多女性更喜欢独自睡觉，而非与伴侣同床共枕。于是她决定撰写此书（原版为西班牙语），旨在倡导“拥有更多空间来表达我们的需求和感受，更多机会去放下恐惧和局限性信念，以及拥有更多选择的自由”。

How to be alone well
If being, and doing things, alone is increasingly widespread – and stigma-free – then how to make the most of it? A couple of key factors everyone agrees on are finding a healthy balance between solo time and communing with others – and having the ability to choose solitude, rather than being forced to experience it.

如何享受高质量的独处
如果独自生活和独自做事正变得日益普遍且不再被污名化，那么我们该如何充分利用这段时光？大家公认的几个关键因素包括：在独处与社交之间找到健康的平衡，以及拥有主动选择独处而非被动承受孤立的能力。

"The greatest indication of success in time alone is that a person has chosen that space believing that there is something important and meaningful there," says Hansen, adding that solitude is a "neutral blob of sculpting clay; it can be whatever we mould it into".

“衡量独处是否成功的最大指标，在于一个人是否是因为相信这段空间中存在重要且有意义的事物，而选择了它，”汉森表示。她补充道，独处就像是“一块中性的雕塑粘土，我们可以把它塑造成任何样子”。

Fittingly, according to McGraw it's perhaps best to not mould said blob into "lying in bed, vaping and ordering Uber Eats". Rather, he suggests channelling alone time into creative pursuits and pastimes that tend to blossom in solitude; a walk or a run, people-watching at a cafe, going to a museum and "taking it all in, as fast or slow as you can". Or how about "sitting in a bath listening to Vivaldi", he adds more specifically, or taking an online course?

麦格劳则认为，最好不要把这块“粘土”塑造成“躺在床上抽电子烟、点某团外卖”的样子。相反，他建议将独处时间投入到那些能在孤独中蓬勃发展的创造性追求和消遣中：例如散步或跑步、在咖啡馆观察路人、去博物馆“按你喜欢的节奏感受一切”。或者更具体一点，“坐在浴缸里听着维瓦尔第”，他补充道，或者修读一门在线课程。

For those who are single, leaning into potentially blissful solitude – instead of waiting for it to be over – is advised, Slawson says. "I used to find myself putting off doing things until I 'settled down' or until I found a partner, but you need to live the life you have got and squeeze as much joy as possible from it instead of feeling like you're in a waiting room, waiting for your life to start," she says.

对于单身人士，斯劳森建议要倾向于拥抱那份潜在的、令人愉悦的独处，而不是等待它结束。“我以前常发现自己把想做的事推迟到‘安定下来’或找到伴侣之后，但你需要过好当下的生活，尽可能从中榨取快乐，而不是感觉自己待在候诊室里，等待着生活开始，”她说道。

And when societal pressure builds? "Don't default to any type of thinking or a scxt," McGraw suggests. "The nice thing is, that there's now an alternative scxt."

而当社会压力袭来时？“不要默认遵循任何思维模式或既定剧本，麦格劳建议，令人欣慰的是，现在已经有了另一种生活剧本。

More broadly, alone time is full of potential and possibilities. "I think solitude inspires a wonderful sense of creativity, it gets the juices flowing and encourages problem solving," Gannon says. She suggests treating solitude as an adventure – or a chance to reconnect with yourself, through journalling or revelling in your senses: "The soft blanket, the sound of music, the taste of your food. What can you see, smell, touch and sense when you are alone?".

从更广泛的意义上讲，独处充满了潜能与可能性。“我认为独处能激发奇妙的创造力，它能让灵感迸发并鼓励解决问题，”甘农说道。她建议将独处视为一场冒险，或是一个通过写日记、沉浸于感官享受来与自我重新建立联系的机会：“柔软的毛毯、音乐的旋律、食物的味道。当你独处时，你能看到、闻到、触摸到和感悟到什么？”

Further turning inward, says Zak, can deepen one's understanding of solitude; she suggests paying attention to moments of solitude, and turning these moments into recurring rituals that aid relaxation and reflection by practice. "Ask yourself, what is the thing that you most enjoy being alone with? Make a jewel of the moment you choose and give yourself the task to cherish this specific space more and more," she says.

扎克表示，进一步的内省可以深化对独处的理解。她建议关注独处的瞬间，并通过练习将这些时刻转化为能帮助放松和反思的日常仪式。“问问自己，你最享受与什么事物独自共处？把你选择的那个瞬间雕琢成宝石，给自己一个任务：去倍加珍惜这块特定的空间，”她说道。

And most importantly, if obviously? It's about mixing things up. "Humans do need social interaction – but I would also say that humans need solitude," says Coplan. "It's finding the right balance that is the key to happiness and wellbeing. Everyone has a different balance that's going to work for them."

而最重要的一点——虽然显而易见——在于平衡。“人类确实需要社交互动，但我也会说，人类同样需要独处，”科普兰总结道，“找到适合自己的平衡点才是获得幸福与健康的秘诀。每个人的平衡点都不尽相同。”