向中国人提问：我已与家人断绝关系，如果我向中国女友及其家人坦言此事，他们会如何看待？

milo_peng
You making the big bucks? Because money talks more than family.

你赚大钱了吗？因为金钱比亲情更有分量。

MayIAsk_24
For now I'm a student and I plan to work in tourism. Or maybe as a language teacher.

目前我还是学生，打算从事旅游业的工作。或者也可能做语言教师。

Would it be ok? Not a rich doctor or pilot haha.

这样可以吗？不是什么富有的医生或飞行员哈哈。

milo_peng
As materialistic as it sounds, Chinese parents are more interested to ensure that their children/daughters marry well.

尽管听起来有些物质，中国的父母更关注的是确保他们的孩子/女儿能嫁得好。

Doesn't necessary mean you need some big fancy titles at a MNC, but a stable job that can provide for the family, pay for the house etc. As a 老外, your side of the family is "optional".

不一定非得在国际大公司谋得显赫职位，但需要一份能为家庭提供支持、支付房贷等开销的稳定工作。作为外国人，你的原生家庭属于"非必需项"。

MayIAsk_24
It's ok. I get that. Finances after being retired aren't the same in every country, and cost of life can change as well, life itself, the cost of a child, get a house, health... it just seems materialistic at first. And it's pretty healthy to care for your child. Especially a daughter since some can stop their carreer after having a child.

我能理解。各国的退休金制度确实存在差异，生活成本、育儿开支、购房压力、医疗负担等实际问题也会发生变化，这些看似物质层面的考量其实很有必要。尤其对女儿而言，为子女规划未来是负责任的体现——毕竟有些女性生育后可能面临职业中断。

Thank you!

谢谢！

Competitive-Night-95
Since you studied Chinese-English translation, you must be very proficient in Chinese and familiar with traditional Chinese culture and ethics, in which according to 孝道 the parent-child bond is unconditional. Which means that you already know the answer.

既然你修读中英翻译专业，想必中文造诣深厚且深谙中国传统文化伦理。依孝道而言，亲子纽带是无条件的。这意味着你早已明白答案。

But in any event, on that traditional view, openly severing ties is seen as a failure, regardless of the parents’ faults. The expectation is endurance, negotiation, and ultimately, forgiveness/softening over time to maintain harmony.

但在任何情况下，按照这种传统观念，公开断绝关系都被视为一种失败，无论父母有什么过错。期望的是忍耐、协商，并最终随着时间推移实现宽恕或软化以维系和谐。

Of course, social attitudes are changing rapidly. But at least in terms of what her parents would think, likely they would wonder, “If he can cut off his own parents, what commitment can he truly keep? Will he do the same to our daughter when conflicts arise?”

当然，社会观念正在迅速变化。但至少就她父母的想法而言，他们可能会想："如果他连自己的父母都能断绝关系，他还能信守什么承诺？如果发生冲突，他会不会也对我们的女儿这样做？"

Hence, the parents-in-law may see your family history as a source of potential instability and drama that could affect their daughter's future and the upbringing of potential grandchildren.

因此，未来的岳父母可能会把你的家庭历史视为潜在不稳定因素和戏剧性冲突的来源，这可能会影响到他们女儿的未来以及潜在孙辈的抚养。

So if you are going to live in China with a Chinese wife, and want the full acceptance of your future parents-in-law, I think it’s crucial that your future wife will need to be fully aware of the situation and able to explain your context and character to her parents. She can advocate for you, explaining the situation in a way that mitigates their fears.

所以，如果你打算娶一位中国妻子并在中国生活，并且希望未来的岳父母完全接纳你，我认为关键在于你未来的妻子需要充分了解情况，并能向她的父母解释你的背景和品格。她可以为你辩护，用一种减轻他们恐惧的方式解释情况。

But beyond that, you will need to prove through actions that you are a reliable, devoted, and harmonious person who is dedicated to family and to honouring your obligations.

但除此之外，你还需要通过行动证明你是一个可靠、忠诚且和谐的人，对家庭负责且履行义务。

MayIAsk_24
Yes, I understand a bit about 孝 , our Chinese teacher were very good when explaining things about culture. I think I understand how much important it usually is. And of course, speaking Chinese is a must, as I don't expect or want them to learn another language just for me. Especially if I live in China or that they do.

是的，我懂一点孝道，我们中文老师在文化方面解释得非常好。我认为我理解它在通常情况下有多重要。当然，会说中文是必须的，我不期望也不希望他们只为了我而学习另一种语言。尤其如果我住在中国或者他们住在中国。

Thank you. It can indeed be seen as disharmonious in a way.

谢谢。确实在某种程度上可以被视为不和谐。

Do you think they would react a certain about what I wrote about the acceptance of my lesbian sister and especially the racism issue?

你觉得他们对于我写到的接纳我女同性恋姐姐，尤其是种族主义问题，会有什么特定反应吗？

Competitive-Night-95
It’s hard to say with any certainty without knowing more about your future in-laws. Honestly, open acceptance of homosexuality is very limited in older-generation circles. But younger people in big cities are more open-minded, and in certain places (like Chengdu), acceptance is relatively high.

在没有更多了解你未来岳父母的情况下，很难确切地说。老实说，在年长一代中，公开接受同性恋的程度非常有限。但大城市的年轻人思想更为开放，在某些地方（如成都），接受度相对较高。

At the end of the day, I think you will need to highlight that your support for your sister stems from the same protective love they hold for their daughter. This creates common ground in “family first” thinking.

归根结底，我认为你需要强调，你支持姐姐是出于与他们爱护女儿相同的保护性关爱。这就在“家庭第一”的观念上找到了共同点。

Most importantly, over time and through your actions, you will need to demonstrate that your values lead to stability, kindness, and commitment, not conflict and shutting out family when you have disagreements.

最重要的是，随着时间的推移和你的实际行动，你需要证明你的价值观带来的是稳定、善良和承诺，而不是在产生分歧时引发冲突或与家庭断绝关系。

In contemporary China, especially among educated urban families, many parents ultimately prioritize their child’s happiness and the character of their partner. So it’s more a matter of showing consistent respect, responsibility, and genuine care for their daughter.

在当代中国，尤其是受过教育的城市家庭中，许多父母最终会将孩子的幸福及其伴侣的品性放在首位。因此，关键更在于展现出对他们女儿始终如一的尊重、责任感和真诚关怀。

MayIAsk_24
Yes it's really common among everyone as it was seen as bad in the past.

是的，这在所有人中都很常见，因为过去这种行为被视为不好。

My decision was really the result of endlessy trying to dialogue and make them change their mind towards more compassionate views on pretty everything, and resentement of what they done obxtivelly and willingly wrong. And sadly there's quite a few things. I totally understand that I must show deep humanity and loving concern. And that will prouve my worth, of course as it is genuine, as if parents are good people, see can tell right from wrong as well as their daughter.

我的决定是经过无数次试图对话，希望他们能改变心态，对几乎所有事情都抱有更多的同情心，同时对他们有意犯下的客观错误感到愤恨。不幸的是，这样的错误并不少。我完全明白，我必须以深厚的人道和关爱之心来展示自己。而这将证明我的价值，当然，因为我真心实意，正如好父母也能明辨是非，就像他们的女儿一样。

A Chinese saying emphasise this, "pure gold insn't bothered by fire" or something close, sorry I can't remember correctly.

中国有句俗语强调这一点，"真金不怕火炼"或类似的话，抱歉我记不太确切了。

It's good to read that at least it is not instantly seen as a threat or as so negative that it would make some parents strongly advice their daughter to stop the relationship.

读到至少这件事不会被立即视为威胁，或消极到让一些父母强烈建议女儿停止这段关系，我感到欣慰。

Thank you for taking time and efforts to answer.

感谢您花费时间和精力来回答。

Beautiful-Exit1501
Just like in any other country or culture, their reaction to your story would depend on their independent upbringing and circumstances; and mostly how you presented the situation.

正如在任何其他国家或文化中一样，他们对你的故事的反应将取决于他们各自的成长背景和环境；更重要的是你如何描述这一情况。

MayIAsk_24
Indeed. Maybe with the right words and phrasing.

确实，如果用合适的措辞来表达的话。

Equal-Weekend-4896
im Chinese (but was born abroad to parents who immigrated) and my parents have gone low to no contact with their parents (my grandparents) apart from just supporting them with money, because they were toxic and in the end couldn't really fully reconcile with them

我是中国人（但在国外出生，父母是移民），我父母除了在经济上支持他们的父母（我的祖父母）外，几乎与他们断绝了联系，因为他们很刻薄，最终无法真正与他们完全和解。

so yes it definitely happens in Chinese culture - i think most Chinese people have the consensus that it's not ideal tbh since there's still a really strong culture of family but can understand why it happens

所以，这种情况确实在中国文化中发生——我认为大多数中国人都有共识，即这并不理想，因为家庭文化仍然非常强大，但可以理解为什么会发生这种情况。

and you're not Chinese anyway so they're not holding u to Chinese standards as strictly - the west has always been seen as more 'liberal' in terms of its individualism as opposed to China's more collective culture

况且你又不是中国人，所以他们也不会用中国标准来严格要求你——与中国更注重集体主义的文化相比，西方在个人主义方面历来被视为更“自由”的。

MayIAsk_24
Thank you. I'm a bit surprised that people from older generations also do it.

谢谢，我有点惊讶连老一辈人也会这么做。

I think financial freedom can play a role. If children have means to get out of toxic parents claws, they can escape.

我觉得经济独立是个重要因素。如果子女有能力摆脱有毒父母的控制，他们就能脱身。

But if not, sometimes they tend to consider staying closer as familly can be their only helping hand if something bad happen to them.

但如果无法独立，有时他们会觉得保持亲近是不得已的选择——毕竟遇到困难时，家庭可能是唯一的援助之手。

Not diminushing the hache. But it's simply easier in term of basic needs.

这不是要淡化伤害。只是从基本生存需求来看，依赖家庭确实更简单。

But really? Even if I did cut ties, the 老外 effect would work in this case also??

但是真的吗？就算我断绝了关系，老外效应在这种情况下也会起作用吗？？

ThroatEducational271
I think you show a lot of integrity.

我认为你展现了很高的正直品格。

Parents that kick out their daughter clearly indicates major problems with your parents and the fact that you don’t like their discriminatory behaviour and wanted to relieve yourself from that environment shows courage.

将女儿赶出家门的父母，显然表明他们自身存在严重问题。而你不认同他们的歧视行为，并希望摆脱那种环境，这展现了你的勇气。

If you explain all this to anyone, it shows three things.

如果你向任何人解释这一切，这说明了三件事。

Honesty, integrity and courage!

诚实、正直与勇气！

While the Chinese are highly family oriented, all humans understand that families all have some problems and sometimes the issues are so grand that a reconciliation is not possible.

虽然中国人非常重视家庭，但所有人都明白每个家庭都会有些问题，有时问题大到无法和解。

If and when you meet a nice Chinese girl and you meet their family, you have nothing to fear.

如果将来你遇到一位善良的中国女孩并见到她的家人，你无需有任何顾虑。

But a little advice, cutting off family can be painful regardless of their beliefs or behaviours, maybe you also need some reconciliation, but keep them at arms length rather than miles away.

但有一个小小的建议，无论家人的信仰或行为如何，断绝关系都会带来痛苦。也许你也需要一些和解，但将他们保持在一定距离之内，而非彻底疏远。

MayIAsk_24
Thank you. That's nice of you to say that.

谢谢。你能这么说真是太好了。

No I don't think I can reconciliate. I tried so much to get everything better and fix things since I'm old enough to think morally, compassionately, and understand the basics of human psychology.

不，我认为我无法和解。自从我长大到能够进行道德思考、怀有同情心并理解基本的人类心理学以来，我已经做了太多努力去改善一切、修复关系。

They won't change. I don't know if they can't or if they don't want, but I'm tired of being part of a familly where traumas, hate, lack of accountability and subordination to the worst in one's self out of weakness and imorality, are seen as normal and never questionned because it's too uncomfortable.

他们不会改变的。我不知道他们是不能还是不想改变，但我已经厌倦了成为这样一个家庭的一员：在这个家庭里，创伤、仇恨、缺乏责任感以及因软弱和不道德而对自身最糟糕的一面屈从，都被视为正常且从不被质疑，因为这太令人不适了。

I'm far from being a Bodhisatva or a 君子 but I can't stand how they all manage to hurt themselves and others instead of self-reflect and have the courage to repare what's broken.

我远非菩萨或君子，但我无法忍受他们所有人总是伤害自己和他人，而不是自我反思并鼓起勇气去修复那些破碎的东西。

They won't learn and I don't want to spend all my life suffering from that idea as I watch them without being able to do anything more to save them. It's not my role. And I am tired. As sad as it can be.

他们学不会，我也不愿一生都为此痛苦，眼睁睁看着他们却无力挽救。这不是我的责任。而且我累了。再悲哀不过。

I just hope if I meet a nice Chinese that she will understand and her familly too (at least at some point) as you said.

我只希望如果我遇到一位善良的中国女性，她能理解我的处境，也希望她的家人（至少在某个时刻）也能如你所说那般理解。

Thank you for your nice answer. It gave me hope. :)

谢谢你的善意回答。这给了我希望。 :)

yellowbat30
It's best you ask your gf, these things really differ from household to household.

这种事最好直接问你女朋友，因为每个家庭的情况都大不相同。

Just in case, you don't have to fear offending your girlfriend for asking such. I find that Chinese people are far more used of preparing beforehand when discussing sensitive topics w parents, or rather, we do it all the time. As opposed to some westerners who might find it rude if one is tiptoe-ing around esp toward a prospect in laws.

以防万一，你不必担心问这种问题会冒犯到你女朋友。我发现中国人在与父母讨论敏感话题时，更习惯于提前做好准备，或者说，我们一直都在这样做。这与一些西方人形成对比，他们可能会觉得（特别是对未来的姻亲）小心翼翼是一种无礼的表现。

MayIAsk_24
Yeah I think this kind of topics kinda need to be discussed seriously, as if I want to be part of your familly, looking at mine isn't that surprising, especially in cultures deeply rooted in group harmony. And of course, being a foreigner may add more on the pile, as I wasn't raised in those cultures.

是的，我觉得这类话题确实需要认真讨论，因为如果我想成为你家庭的一员，审视我的原生家庭背景其实并不令人意外，特别是在那些注重集体和谐的文化中。当然，身为外国人可能会让情况更复杂一些，毕竟我并非在这种文化环境中长大。

But in western white famillies (or else), it also a thing you can't just throw as it's not a big deal. But maybe less preparation depending on if your inlaws seem open minded, like you, and all sort of similar things.

但在西方白人家庭（或其他家庭）中，断绝关系也并非可以轻易视作小事一桩。不过，根据你的姻亲是否思想开明、是否喜欢你以及诸如此类的因素，可能需要做的准备或许会少一些。

For example, for my brother in law and his father (2nc sister husband), I am the embodiment of a selphish little piece of shit with no respect for elders or familly. For other people, I'm a poor traumatised child.

例如，对于我的姐夫和他的父亲（我二姐的丈夫），我就是个自私自利、不尊重长辈与家人的小混蛋。而在他人眼中，我只是个可怜兮兮、受过心理创伤的孩子。

This speaks volumes as my bro in law is the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen and his father is not a good person to me. My in law made my sister cry countless times and made her into someone I'm sad to see.

这足以说明一切，因为我姐夫是我见过的最糟糕的人渣，他父亲对我也不是个好人。我的姻亲让我姐姐无数次哭泣，把她变成了一个让我看着都心疼的人。

But you get the general idea. ;)

但你大致明白了。;)

Thank you. :)

谢谢。 :)

URantares
You peer will probably understand. Their parents, less likely.

你的同龄人可能能够理解。但他们的父母理解的可能性较低。

Some older folks believe no matter what parents did, their children should never turn the back on them. But it largely depends on the person. Also you shouldn’t let this single incident defines you. I’m sure the girl and her family can see many other good things in you.

有些长辈认为，无论父母做了什么，子女都不应背弃他们。但这很大程度上取决于具体的人。此外，你不应让这一件事定义你。我相信那个女孩和她的家人都能在你身上看到许多其他优点。

Also how do you “cut ties” with your parents when you still, albeit rarely, give news to your parents? That’s an estranged relationship at worst. When you say cut ties I was thinking no longer considered as blood or total desertion. A lot of people have bad relationships with their parents. It’s not that abnormal.

另外，当你仍然（尽管很少）向父母传递消息时，怎么能算是"断绝关系"呢？这最多只是一种疏远的关系。说到断绝关系时，我想的是不再视为血亲或完全遗弃。许多人与父母关系不佳，这并非那么不正常。

MayIAsk_24
Long story short, they usually try to reach out.

长话短说，他们通常会试图联系我。

But they drive me mad and angered everytime as they love tl gaslight and avoid admitting they are guilty unless they can use it to trick me, or mention it and go back as usual as if nothing ever happened. Hence their incapicity or unwillingness to overcome their own traumas to become healthy good persons.

但每次他们都会让我抓狂和愤怒，因为他们喜欢操控人心、逃避承认自己的过错，除非他们能借此欺骗我，或者提起后又若无其事地恢复原状。这源于他们无法或不愿克服自身创伤，去成为健康善良的人。

In the best days, I answered and gave news, in the worst ones, it always ended on me yelling and being furious of their lack of morality.

在最好的日子里，我会回复并告知近况；在最糟糕的日子里，最终总是以我因他们缺乏道德而怒吼暴怒收场。

And now I stopped answering for quite a long time since last time. I phisically cannot bear to fall into the same pattern again untill I die. They never learn. I can't save them for the worst in them.

现在我已经很久没有回应了，自从上次之后。我实在无法忍受余生再次陷入同样的循环。他们从不吸取教训，我无法拯救他们最糟糕的一面。

So I stopped.

所以我停了下来。

I tried for years to make things, clear, healthy, and not think with my ego but with the deepest will to fix things and do better. As it was my job, or a divine mission sent to me the child, to help broken adults face their fears, traumas, contradictions, and ignorance as well a lack of compassion and selflesness.

多年来，我努力让事情变得清晰、健康，不是出于自我，而是出于修复关系、做得更好的深切愿望。仿佛这是我的职责，或是上天赋予我这个孩子的神圣使命，去帮助破碎的成年人面对他们的恐惧、创伤、矛盾、无知，以及缺乏同情心和无私的问题。

I am tired.

我感到累了。

And honnestly, I feel better and stable since. For once since I was a kid.

说实话，自从那时起我感觉更好了，也稳定了。这是我自童年以来第一次有这样的感受。

I will have to face things people with (optionally healthy) parents will easy get through, with more difficulty maybe.

我将不得不面对那些有（或许健康的）父母的人能轻松应对的事情，也许我需要付出更多努力。

But the world won't feel upside down as if being the worst human being and keep poisonous lixs with people who hurt themselves and others was a good thing.

但世界不会再感觉颠倒错乱，好像成为最糟糕的人、与那些伤害自己和他人的人保持有毒联系反而是件好事。

But people my generations are a lot to do so as well, so I'm not that much alone.

但我这代人也有很多这么做，所以我也没那么孤单。