外国女婿：我该如何应对妻子的亲友（大多是上海人）送来的大量礼物？我很感激，但实在感到不自在

DanTheLaowai 
Save the money, put it in a different envelope. play the ritual in reverse when you go to visit. Simple as.

把钱存起来，放进另一个红包里。等你去拜访时，把这个仪式反过来做一遍。就这么简单。

Diligent-Tone3350 
OP would need a red suitcase.

楼主可能需要一个红色手提箱。

DevinChristien
And put a discrete marking on the money to see if they return the same note to you

并且在钞票上做个隐蔽的标记，看看他们是否会原封不动地回礼给你

MsAdventuresBus
No. Chinese tradition is to give money to those younger than you by a generation or more. You never give money to your elders but you can give money to nieces and nephews. This is how Chinese people show affection.

不，中国的传统是给比你小一辈或更小辈的人红包。你绝不能给长辈钱，但可以给侄子女和外甥子女。这就是中国人表达关爱的方式。

DanTheLaowai
You're correct, of course. I clarified to OP in a comment below. You can give the money to younger generation of their line, or use that money to buy a gift for the elder. I assume OP's wife would help him determine who an appropriate hongbao recipient would be.

当然，你说得对。我在下面的评论中向提问者澄清了这一点。你可以把这些钱给他们那一辈的年轻人，或者用这笔钱为长辈买一份礼物。我想提问者的妻子会帮他确定谁是合适的红包收受者。

MsAdventuresBus
Chinese elderly LOVE LOVE LOVE vitamins and health products. It shows you care about their well-being.

中国长辈特别喜欢维生素和保健品。这体现出你关心他们的健康。

laufsteakmodel
Would I give it to them as the same amount in Yuan?

我该给他们同等金额的人民币吗？

DanTheLaowai
As other commenter mentioned, red envelopes are usually given from a senior to a junior in the family. If there is no suitable recipient, take that money and use it to buy a gift for them. We always take spring festival hongbao money and use it to buy my Father in Law a new phone, or replace whatever appliance he's been complaining about recently.

正如其他评论者提到的，红包通常是家庭中长辈给晚辈的。如果没有合适的收礼对象，可以用那笔钱为他们买份礼物。我们总是把春节红包的钱用来给岳父买新手机，或者更换他最近总在抱怨的某件电器。

Minimum_Friendship_6
You should give the red pockets to the next generation - the nephews and nieces. I'd guess they cannot spend a foreign bill.

你可以将红包送给下一代——侄子侄女们。我猜他们应该不会花外币。

xjpmhxjo
You can buy something else or give the money to someone they would care about. For example, does your wife have a younger brother?

你可以购买其他物品，或是将钱给到他们会在意的人。比如，你妻子是否有弟弟？

slowcanteloupe
Brliiant.   

精彩极了。

bordercollie_luvr84
You have to save that money and pass it onto your kids in the same red envelopes.

你得把这些钱存起来，用同样的红包传给你的孩子们。

The money isn’t directly for you. It’s for their grand kids lol.

这些钱其实不是直接给你的。是给他们未来的孙辈的，哈哈。

Puzzleheaded-Kick428
See and he won’t respond to you lMao

看他理不理你，笑死

Feeling-Attention43
Dont worry, you will be expected to pay it all back in one form or another lol

别担心，以后有的是机会让你用各种方式还回去，哈哈

Historical-place8997
This is what I do as a Chinese. Regift it. Reuse the envelopes when I can.

作为一个中国人，我是这么做的：把钱转赠，信封能再用就接着用。

laufsteakmodel
That actually sounds like a pretty good idea. So its just a zero sum game and nobody gains or loses anything, yet we still can gift each other something :)

这主意听起来真不错。所以其实是一场零和游戏，谁也没损失什么，但我们还能互相赠送礼物：）

Would I give it to them as the same amount in Yuan?

我该原封不动地把同等金额的人民币还给他们吗？

Historical-place8997
Yea, but there isn’t rules around the amounts. If you are a young couple it would be expected you have less money to start. I am old now and people are having too many kids. I have to kick a little extra into it.

是的，但是金额没有固定规定。如果你们是新婚夫妇，大家会预期你们起步资金较少。我现在年纪大了，而且现在人养的孩子也多。我得多出一份力。

You have to understand that love/friendship is expressed much more with gifts and food. So while kind of annoying (even to me) I can understand a little.

你得明白，在这儿表达关爱和友情通常离不开送礼和请吃饭。所以尽管有点烦人（连我都觉得烦），我多少也能理解一点。

sifav6
Just accept them. My wife is Chinese, and the first time I went to China to meet her family, my mother in law gifted me the most expensive iPhone at the time, which was an iPhone 14 pro max with 1TB storage. I actually prefer using android phones, but had to switch due to pressure from my wife.

接受就好。我妻子是中国人，我第一次去中国见她家人时，岳母送了我当时最贵的 iPhone，就是 1TB 存储的 iPhone 14 pro max。其实我更习惯用安卓手机，但在妻子的压力下只好换掉。

Over time you will just sort of get used to it. My in-laws have given me gifts ranging from $500 to $20k in value. I've also given them gifts of similar value back as well. It's sort of a cultural thing where you're constantly in the cycle of giving and receiving, though over the long run, I've given less than what I have received. And this is not because I'm stingy, but every time I give a gift to my mother in law, she often gives back something that's worth 2x of what I gave, and I've sort of just given up.

时间久了就会慢慢习惯。我岳父母送过我的礼物价值从 500 美元到 2 万美元不等。我也会回赠价值相当的礼物。这有点像一种文化习俗，大家处在这种持续的送礼和回礼循环中，不过从长远来看，我送出的还是比收到的少。这倒不是因为小气，而是每次我送礼物给岳母，她总会回赠价值大约两倍的东西，后来我也就慢慢放弃了。

Happycakemochi
Put it in the bank for your future child

存进银行为你未来的孩子做准备

SingleJicama655
Accept it that’s the Chinese way

收下吧，这就是中国人的方式

woundsofwind
As with all gifting, it's not really about the receiver, it's about the gifter. It's not about you, it's about them. Decenter yourself and let them express what they want to express. Then, return the gesture in your own way.

就像所有的送礼一样，重点其实不在接受者，而在于赠送者。这事与你无关，而是关乎他们。放低自己的位置，让他们表达他们想表达的。然后，用你自己的方式回应这份心意。

Kvaezde
You can give the money to me, if you don't want it.

如果你不想要这些钱，可以给我。

laufsteakmodel
Its not about not wanting it, I just dont think we should ever receive that much money as a gift. We're doing alright financially (as are they). It feels bad to accept that much money. I didnt grow up like this, so Im asking how to come to terms with it.

不是我不想要，只是觉得我们不该收这么大数额的礼金。我们经济条件不差（他们也是）。收这么多钱让我心里过意不去。我不是在这种环境中长大的，所以想请教该如何调整心态。

bordercollie_luvr84
You can always blow all their money to teach them a lesson?

你就不能花光他们的钱，给他们一个教训吗？

Immediate_Garden_716
generally speaking in Japan you would return a present half of the value received. if it is close family, less strict. if it is less close family, they might expect “smaller” tokens for kids, grandkids demonstrating family bonds. do not know about China though. but if they are super nouveau riche, they might just want to share and maybe impress. but sincev you are a foreigner they might not expect you to behave accordingly. this only your wife can tell. in the long run it is a tiresome game if you cannot let go :) eventually the gift shower might stop anyway, the your “problem” is solved. just thinking! sincerely wish you the best.

一般来说，在日本，你会回赠一份价值大约一半的礼物。如果是直系亲属，规矩就没那么严格。如果关系较远，他们可能期望给小孩子、孙子孙女一些“小”礼物，以展示家庭纽带。至于中国的情况，我不太清楚。但如果是暴发户，他们可能只是想分享财富，或者是为了炫耀。既然你是外国人，他们可能不期望你按规矩行事。这一点只有你妻子能告诉你。长远来看，如果你放不下，这将是一场令人疲惫的游戏 :) 最终，送礼的热潮总会停止，你的“问题”也就解决了。只是这么一想！衷心祝你好运。

DuePomegranate
They may be hinting that you should produce a child ASAP. Once you have a child, the envelope will be for the kid/s, not you.

他们可能是在暗示你们应该尽快要个孩子。一旦有了孩子，红包就是给孩子的，而不是给你了。

So treat this as the older generation investing in the younger ones. Keep the money for future kids. If you are not intending to have kids ever, give the money to nephews and nieces whenever possible.

可以将这视为老一辈对年轻一代的投资。把这笔钱留给未来的孩子。如果你不打算要孩子，那就尽可能地把钱给侄子侄女。

Practical_Win_4736
Would be rude to decline. Just roll with it. When they all migrate and live with you, you can regret it then. 

拒绝会显得无礼。就顺其自然吧。等到他们全都搬来和你一起住，你再后悔也不迟。

Above_the_influence1 
Accept the money after a lot of struggling. Return it during CNY/Birthdays etc in a red envolope

在内心挣扎后收下钱款。在春节/生日等场合用红包归还。

chiefgmj
just let her deal with this. and u should'nt feel bad. u might be expected to reciprocate. no free lunch in the world.

就让她去处理这些事吧，你不用觉得过意不去。也许将来你需要还这份人情。天下没有免费的午餐。

Evening_Flamingo_765  
no need to do anything right now.

目前无需采取任何行动。

they are a family, do what your wife asks is OK.

他们是家人，听你妻子的话就好了。

trust your wife.

相信你的妻子。

cyhlalala
If you're uncomfortable with the culture of the person you married, then it's your responsibility to get comfortable with it. If you can't, maybe see a therapist

如果你对你配偶的文化感到不适，那么你有责任去适应它。如果做不到，或许可以看看心理医生。

Lanky_Surprise_4758
Effectively as you are married you should actually be the one handing over the envelopes. Ask the wife :)

实际上既然你已经结婚，按理说应该是由你来发红包。问问你的妻子吧。

throwaway_beefpho
I thought you were talking like thousands of dollars/euros or jewelry, but 100 euros is not a whole lot.

我以为你说的是几千美元/欧元或珠宝之类，但 100 欧元其实不算太多。

ConflictNo5518
Go back and read it again. 

回去再读一遍。

throwaway_beefpho
Ok, I just stopped reading at the 1st sentence. I know, me problem, but that's pretty generous of the in-laws!

好吧，我读完第一句话就停下来了。我知道，是我的问题，但这些娘家人真是相当大方啊！

riyuzqki
Just listen to your wife

听你老婆的。

i_hate_budget_tyres
Keep the money. Gift them back almost as hard. You don’t want to out do them, so they have face, but be generous.

收下红包，下次加倍回礼。别回得太过，给他们留足面子，但也要大方。

Because its a red envelope, I don’t even play the refusal game with my Chinese in laws. Just thank them and accept it.

因为是红包，我甚至不会和我的中国亲家玩推辞的把戏。直接道谢并收下就好。

Then in return so far, we’ve gotten them very expensive bottles of whiskey, phones, ipads, designer wallet, boxes of Montocristo cigars etc. They are really into health, so £300 worth of Western branded fish oil goes down well. I noticed they keep some, but also share the ‘bounty’ with other people in the family.

作为回礼，我们迄今为止已送给他们价格不菲的威士忌、手机、iPad、名牌钱包以及蒙特克里斯托雪茄等礼物。他们非常注重健康，因此价值 300 英镑的西方品牌鱼油很受欢迎。我注意到他们会自己留用一部分，同时也与家族中的其他人分享这份“馈赠”。

Keep the red envelopes and give appropriate amounts of cash to any nieces and nephews.

收下红包，并给予侄辈适当金额的现金作为回礼。

In a Chinese family, the money should just flow around in a virtuous circle like this.

在中国家庭中，钱财应当这样良性循环流动。

You are misinterpreting the idea the gifting is one way.

你误以为送礼是单方面的了。

Dapper_Reputation309
It’s a cultural thing. You need to accept and just divert the money to something or someone else(like your kids)or buy something for your wife. I’m married to one and my inlaws even before i married my hubby gave me all sorts of jewelleries. They were horrified when my parents refused a dowry. My father said i’m not for sale. Either they accept that or he won’t give his blessings to the marriage. I also refused to marry if they will pay for it. Which traditionally they should. I met them halfway by telling them they get all the redpackets from the people they invited, which is about 200 .

这是文化差异问题。你需要收下这些礼物，然后把钱用在你妻子或其他家人（比如你们的孩子）身上，或者给她买点什么。我嫁的就是上海人，早在结婚前，我公婆就送我各种首饰。我父母拒绝收彩礼时，他们简直惊呆了。我父亲说：“我又不是在卖女儿。”要么他们接受这个条件，否则他不会祝福这桩婚事。我也表示如果他们出钱我就不结婚了——按传统他们本该出钱的。最后我们各退一步：我告诉他们，他们邀请的宾客给的红包都归他们——大概有 200 个呢。

Even now during CNY, we still receive angbaos from his parents and i just kept all of them. I returned all of these by buying my mil a bag which she refused to buy because she finds it expensive. She wanted to return the bag but I refused.

即使是现在过年，我们还会收到他父母给的红包，我都收下了。作为回报，我给我婆婆买了个包——她自己舍不得买，嫌太贵。她想把包退掉，但我没同意。

So yeah, no escaping but acceptance and diversification.

好吧，既然无法逃避，那就接受并做出多样化调整吧。

asnbud01
If you play by their rules of trying to refuse it will never stop. Just do it the western way, wow, thanks - moving on. This way they may get tired of giving because obviously you are not working overtime on the fake refusals to be fully appreciative of the gifts. If it makes you feel better you can give the gifts to charity. Btw I run a personal charitable foundation - let’s do lunch sometimes.

如果你按他们的规则试图拒绝，那这场戏就永远不会停。不如就按西方的方式来，哇，太感谢了——然后这事儿就翻篇了。这样一来，他们可能会因为送礼得不到你精心排练的假意推辞和感恩戴德而感到无趣。如果收下礼物让你心里不舒服，你可以捐给慈善机构。对了，我自己运营一个私人慈善基金会——有空一起吃个午饭。

laufsteakmodel
My wife would never let me not reciprocate.

我老婆绝不会允许我不回礼的。

Like, sure, we're not expected to gift them that much money, but its "giving and taking" and should be balanced, according to my wife. To me this whole thing seems to be some kind of performance, which I dont understand.

就像，当然，我们不指望回送他们那么多钱，但据我妻子说，这是"礼尚往来"，应该保持平衡。对我来说，这整件事就像是某种表演，我实在无法理解。

She just tells me: In China, loads of people have gotten wealthy these past few decades and they wanna show it, just accept it.

她只是告诉我：在中国，过去几十年里很多人变得富有，他们想要炫耀一下，就接受吧

We're not spending that money and are currently looking for the best way to invest it, but jeez, its exhausting that a lot of things are so....c ceremonial and about saving face and looking wealthier than your peers.

我们不会花这笔钱，目前正在寻找最佳投资方式，但天啊，这么多事情都这么……仪式化，为了保全面子和显得比同龄人更富有，真是让人筋疲力尽。

saneSinae 
told them send no more,that's all

我告诉他们别再送了，就这样

laufsteakmodel
They dont really send it. They hand it to us, every time we see them. And refusing would be like bordering on a war crime, according to my wife.

他们其实不是送。每次见面时，他们都会亲手交给我们。而据我妻子说，拒绝的话几乎等同犯下战争罪。

TrueTangerinePeel 
There are different forms of love language; for the Chinese, gifting is their love language. Whether they gift money, items, services, or food, they are expressing their love for you. Receiving their gift is a form of respect for them. So, while it feels uncomfortable, understand their intentions.

爱的表达方式有多种；对中国人而言，送礼便是他们的爱语。无论是赠予金钱、物品、服务还是食物，都是在向你表达爱意。接受礼物是对他们的尊重。所以，虽然感到不自在，但请理解他们的用心。

Also, Chinese culture is one of reciprocity. So, if you ever visit Shanghai, you would also come bearing gifts. Money (red envelopes) for the young and health-related items for the seniors. The more exclusive the items are, the higher their value.

此外，中国文化讲究礼尚往来。所以，如果你去上海拜访，也应当携带礼物。给年轻人准备红包，给长辈准备与健康相关的礼品。物品越独特，其价值就越高。

You can take whatever money they gift you and deposit it into a savings or investment account. Let it grow so that when you visit them in Shanghai, you can use those funds to buy their gifts.

你可以把他们给你的钱存入储蓄或投资账户，让它增值。这样，等到你去上海拜访他们时，就可以用这笔钱来购买送给他们的礼物。

laufsteakmodel
Thanks a lot. That helps a ton.

非常感谢，这让我受益良多。

Its just something I have to get used to.

这只是我需要逐渐适应的事情。

I totally get their intentions. This person loves my wife as if she was her own daughter (she wasnt able to have kids herself). For me as a German its just crazy to receive gifts like that.

我完全理解他们的用意。这位长辈待我妻子如己出（她自己无法生育）。作为一名德国人，收到这样的礼物让我感到有些无所适从。

Theyre doing well financially, so its not hurting them, but its totally new for me.

他们经济条件优渥，所以送出这些礼物并无压力，但这对我而言却是全新的体验。

My wife and this lady basically "fought" for five minutes about whether or not she was accepting the money and in the end she said that this was what was expected of her. To refuse, refuse, refuse, then accept in the end.

我妻子和这位女士就她是否应该收下这笔钱"争执"了整整五分钟，最后她说这是大家期待她做的。推辞、再推辞、再三推辞，最终还是要收下。

OutAndAboutAbroad 
They hand you €50,000-100,000 euros in cash in an envelope when you visit?

他们登门拜访时就递给你装着 5 万到 10 万欧元现金的信封？

Do some course for $1,000 gonna help you put that guilt aside.

花 1000 美元上几堂课就能帮你摆脱这种内疚感吗？

Then use the hard cash to buy productive capital.

然后就用这些现金去购买能增值的资产。

laufsteakmodel
50-100 100€ bills are 5000-10000€, not 50000-10000€

50 到 100 张 100 欧元的钞票是 5000 到 10000 欧元，而非 50000 到 10000 欧元

Still a lot of money, but come on, that amount of money wouldnt fit in an envelope lol.

虽然金额还是不少，但得了吧，那么多钱根本塞不进红包里啊。

If I mistyped somewhere, I apologize, but yeah, its 5k-10k.

如果我有地方打错字，抱歉，不过没错，就是五千到一万。

El_Nuto
Invest the money   

把这些钱投资起来

laufsteakmodel
I feel so bad for taking it. If my father knew, he'd slap me silly. Not literally, but yeah, its just a culture shock to me. In Germany no one would ever gift someone (that theyre not even related to) that much money, no matter how rich they are.

收下这些钱让我心里很不是滋味。要是我父亲知道这事，非得给我几个大耳刮子不可——当然不是真打，但这对我确实是一种文化冲击。在德国，不管多有钱，都不会给非亲非故的人这么多钱。

El_Nuto
Maybe set up a fund for your kids if you feel bad. Anything can happen and maybe your parents in law are just trying to help your kids.

或许可以为你孩子们设立一个基金，如果你感到不安。世事难料，或许你的岳父母只是在为你的孩子着想。

Im western myself with asian spouse and its just a different mentality with regards to family helping each other.

我自己是西方人，配偶是亚洲人。在家人互助这方面，思维方式确实大不相同。

out-damp-sock-51
You don't need to refuse them, it's also impolite to do so. I just encountered a similar situation where old friends gave us high value gifts.

你无需拒绝，那样做也不礼貌。我最近就遇到了类似的情况，老朋友们送了我们高价值的礼物。

But one thing my wife mentioned is that if you want to express that you value the relationship with them, the best way to do so is reciprocating through spending time. Something like inviting them to your place next time and cooking them dinner.

但我妻子提到，如果你想表达对这段关系的重视，最好的方式就是通过投入时间来回报。比如下次邀请他们来家里，为他们做一顿晚餐。

They probably own much and do not need you to return the favour with lavish gifts. They can probably afford it themselves. But time spent with them, that no one can buy

他们大概资产雄厚，不需要你回赠奢华礼品。他们自己完全负担得起。但与他们共度的时光，却是金钱买不到的。

laufsteakmodel
My wife said its expected of us to refuse as hard as can. Its a game, she said. Theyre trying to give it to us, and we need to refuse but in the end we have to accept it.

我老婆说，拒绝是必须的，而且要尽力推辞。她说这是种社交游戏。对方想送，我们得拒绝，但最终还是要收下。

She said its also customary to fight over the bill in a restaurant.

她还说，在中国餐厅里抢着买单也是一种习俗。

I got a lot to learn. I still remember one of the first dinners we had with her family and I ordered peking duck for myself and everyone was shocked that I didnt put it in the middle for everyone to share. I didnt know!

我要学的还有很多。我还记得第一次和她家人吃饭时，我点了份北京烤鸭自己吃，结果所有人都震惊了，因为我没把烤鸭放在中间让大家分享。我当时真不知道这规矩！

I know better now, but it was super awkward.

现在我可算明白了，但当时真是尴尬得要命。

Left-Vegetable5193 
If you were to save a portion or all of the cash and then when they visit take them to a very fancy restaurant or the same if you visit China.

如果你把部分或全部现金存起来，等他们来访时请他们去一家非常高档的餐厅，或者你去中国时也这样做。

It’s funny how the tables have turned. When I first married back in 1992 when we visited China we would spend a huge amount of time shopping for appropriate gifts for each relative. We had little money then and felt that the gift being something meaningful to the recipient was important.

世事变迁真是有趣。我 1992 年刚结婚时，我们去中国探亲，会花大量时间为每位亲戚挑选合适的礼物。那时我们没什么钱，觉得礼物对收礼人来说有意义才是重要的。

The feeling we got was that they didn’t appreciate the gift as being thoughtful but more “wow, you live in the USA where the streets are paved with gold and this is all I get?”

我们的感觉是，他们并不欣赏礼物的心意，而是更多地想："哇，你住在美国，那里遍地黄金，这就是你给我的全部？"

We changed our strategy. We would just have a little banquet with one or two tables and take them all out together. Bai Jiu and shrimp and lobster. Much better.

我们改变了策略。我们就摆一两桌小宴，把大家都请出去聚一聚。配白酒，上虾和龙虾。这样好多了。

Sunrisesunshine89
Donate the money to an animal welfare/rescue organization. Help a child in an orphanage. Use the money to plant some trees/clean the air. Smh, complaining about having resources. What has the world come to?!

把钱捐给动物福利或救援机构，帮助孤儿院的孩子，或者用这笔钱植树净化空气。天啊，居然为有资源而抱怨，这世界怎么了？！

nycyambro 
Does Your Wife Have A Sister? Don’t Care How Old She Is As Long As It Is Over The Legal Age.

你妻子有妹妹吗？我不乎她年纪多大，只要过了法定年龄就行。