研究发现：青少年是否接受父母的教导，取决于父母是否真正践行了自己所说的话。若父母在日常生活中始终如一地以身作则，他们的教导更可能被青少年视为指导，而不是控制

Winniethepujals
100% Everything you say WILL be used against you. Everything is a comparison and competition. Nothing is good enough, and expect to be lectured on how your teammates/siblings/cousins are 10x better/more athletic/smarter/skinnier than you.
I legitimately got yelled at and shamed by my mom and grandma, still to this day, for balding in my early 20’s. As if that was my choice.
Thought I was a good kid too. Always kind, first chair musician, good grades, no smoking, no alcohol, no parties. The way my parents behaved, you’d think I was a recovering heroin addict selling drugs after school.
They taught me and my siblings that telling the truth gets you in trouble. Getting good grades was a requirement for anything you wanted, and they would just keep moving the goal post further once you achieved it. Narcissistic people should not have kids.
 
说的太对了，你说的任何话都会被用来对付你。一切都是比较和竞争。永远不够好，总会被教育，朋友/兄弟姐妹/表亲比你强十倍、更聪明、更健康。
我在二十出头开始谢顶，直到现在我妈和我奶奶还在因为这件事责骂我，好像那是我自己选的一样。
我一直以为自己是个好孩子：善良、乐队首席、成绩好、不抽烟、不喝酒、不参加派对。但如果只从父母的行为来看，你会以为我是个刚戒了毒还在放学后贩毒的瘾君子。
他们教会了我和我的兄弟姐妹一个道理，说实话只会让你惹麻烦。想得到任何东西都必须成绩好，可一旦达到了，他们就会不断提高标准。自恋的人根本不该有孩子。
 
LadyTL
Oh that's the truth. My narcissistic mother taught me authority can't be trusted because of the goal post moving thing combined with destroying my things and lying badly about it as well as not believing me when I told the truth. After a certain point I was going to get in trouble no matter what so why bother behaving or doing chores. I also had things ruined by her because I couldn't be better than HER at anything either.
 
完全没错。我的自恋母亲让我明白权威根本不能信，因为她会不断改变标准，还会毁掉我的生活，编出拙劣的谎言，还从来不相信我说的真话。到最后，我不管怎样都会惹麻烦，那我又何必听话或做家务呢？她也会故意毁掉我的东西，因为她容不下我在任何方面比她强。
 
Winniethepujals
I’m so sorry - I can’t even imagine how defeating that must have felt at the time. The only silver lining is the resilience you’ve gained from all of it. Im told that I bring a calming and collected presence during heated situations, because we’ve lived consistently through so much abrasion. I hope you are thriving and at peace now.
 
真抱歉，我都无法想象你当时有多么崩溃。唯一的安慰是，你从这些经历中获得了坚韧。我常被说在紧张的情况下能保持冷静沉着，因为我们一直在磨难中生活。我希望你现在能活得更好，内心平和。
 
Clobberto
Ouch. This hits really close to home...
My jobless, hobbyless, high school dropout, free loading mother always pressured me, compared and contrasted, never praised. Always thinking about money and education before my own friends and interests, and any hobby i chose was never going to earn me money or find me a good wife.
I suffer from chronic anxiety now. I am always second guessing myself for never being good enough even with therapy.
I got shamed for catching a cold on a cruise (icelandic winds). We do not speak anymore and i think i want it to stay that way
 
哎，这真的戳中我的痛处……
我那没工作、没爱好、高中辍学、只会靠别人养的母亲，总是给我压力，不停拿我和别人比较，从来没有称赞过我。她总是把钱和教育放在我朋友和兴趣之前，我选择的任何爱好都被她贬低，说赚不了钱、找不到好妻子。
我现在患有长期焦虑症。即使接受治疗，我仍然总是否定自己，觉得自己不够好。
有一次在游轮上因为冰岛的冷风感冒了，我竟然被羞辱。现在我们已经不再说话了，我觉得最好就保持这样。
 
Winniethepujals
Thats so heavy. Despite knowing how much they’ve eroded our mental health, I struggle with a guilt of “abandoning” them, as well. I can tell from your last sentence, it’s a similar conflict of wanting to be better than them and take a higher moral path, while navigating and preserving our mental health.
The anxiety and depression goes unchecked and buried as “normal” for decades. The yelling and screaming endured desensitizes how much trauma we’ve absorbed. I’m so sorry you went through something similar, especially for the punishments that were out of our control.
Anything my siblings found enjoyable like video games, tv, movies, friends they didn’t like, were considered bad and rotting away our lives. It’s still a struggle to share hobbies and interests, because repeatedly hearing “that’s stupid and a waste of time” or “only an idiot would want to do that.” I have hid my interests for so long, enjoyment in them has diminished altogether.
I truly believe it would be a huge mistake for me to have kids, because despite understanding all this was not normal, I honestly don’t know what a healthy relationship is or looks like.
 
太沉重了。尽管知道他们严重损害了我们的心理健康，我依然常常为“抛弃他们”而感到内疚。从你最后一句话里，我也能感受到你在相似的矛盾中挣扎：既想做得比他们更好、走一条更高尚的路，又不得不保护自己的心理健康。
几十年来，我们掩埋焦虑和抑郁，将此视为“正常”。长期忍受喊叫和咆哮，让我们对自己承受的创伤麻木了。我很抱歉你也经历了类似的事，尤其是那些我们根本无法控制的惩罚。
我和兄弟姐妹喜欢的任何东西，比如电子游戏、电视、电影、朋友，如果他们不喜欢，就会被认为是坏的，会“毁掉我们的人生”。直到现在，我依然难以分享兴趣，因为常常听到“那很蠢，是浪费时间”或者“只有笨蛋才会做那种事”。我把兴趣隐藏了太久，连从中获得的快乐都消磨殆尽了。
我真的相信，如果我生孩子，那会是个巨大的错误。因为尽管我知道这一切都不正常，但我老实说，我根本不知道健康的亲子关系应该是什么样子。
 
u/YorkiMom6823
This hits home hard. I never had kids for this exact reason. How can I be good to my kids when I never had a good role model to learn from to know how to?
 
这让我感触很深。我从来没有要孩子，原因正是如此。既然我从来没有好的榜样来学习如何成为好父母，那我又怎么可能对自己的孩子好呢？
 
I lose my temper too much and am too harsh and demanding simply because that's the only way I was treated. I figured, after meeting grandparents and hearing stories about great grandparents that this abuse had been handed down for generations. So, I chose. This ugly inheritance ends with me.
 
我经常发脾气，对人过于苛刻和要求太高，仅仅是因为我就是在那样的环境中长大的。后来我见了祖父母，又听说了曾祖父母的故事，我才意识到这种虐待是代代相传的。所以，我做了选择。这种丑陋的遗产到我为止。
 
u/Caliber70
Hey buddy, sorry to hear that. One thing though, balding comes from genetics, and specifically from the X chromosome. Meaning it is 100% her fault you went bald. You would have to see your mother's brothers to see this pattern, since it would also have come from their mother your grandmother. You can search it to read more, and show that to them to tell them to shut up about your balding since they are responsible for it.
 
兄弟，听到这些我很遗憾。不过有一点要提醒，脱发是基因决定的，特别是来自 X 染色体。也就是说，你秃顶完全是她的错。你需要看看你母亲的兄弟们，他们身上也会有同样的脱发问题，因为这来自他们的母亲，也就是你的外祖母。你可以去搜一下相关资料，然后拿给她们看，好让她们闭嘴，因为真正的责任在她们那边。
 
u/DrMobius0
For ages I swore not to tell my mom that I wasn't doing Christianity anymore, precisely because I know how she gets about that stuff and I didn't want to rock that boat while I was financially dependent. It's not that I thought she'd cut me off, but she can be pretty unpleasant when she's in a mood.
 
很长一段时间里，我发誓绝不告诉我妈我不再信基督教了，正是因为我知道她对这类事的反应，而我当时还在经济上依赖她，不想引发矛盾。不是说我觉得她会断绝我的经济来源，但她情绪不好的时候会非常难相处。
 
With polite distance and a decade or so out of the house and across the country, I'd say things were mostly recovering with our occasional interactions (I see her 2-3 times a year usually). Mostly because of the boundaries I've set and because of what I choose not to engage with her on. She's never actually changed or been willing to particularly listen to feedback. And now she's going down the right wing propaganda hole. Feels like a damn jenga tower that keeps building up.
 
离开家十多年，搬到国家另一头，再加上保持礼貌性的距离，我觉得我们的互动大体上算是恢复了些（我一年通常见她两三次）。主要是因为我设定了界限，并且选择了不去和她讨论某些话题。她从来没有真正改变过，也不愿意听取任何反馈。而现在她正陷入右翼宣传的漩涡。感觉就像一座不断堆高的叠叠乐积木塔，随时会倒塌。
 
u/Kmic14
My mom was the exact same! I learned all those same things at too soon an age
 
我妈也是一模一样！我太早就学会了这些东西。
 
u/bishopmate
Most people don’t understand that you can’t logic yourself out of the emotions you are feeling, and it leads to moments like this. Our body needs to allow the chemical reaction to occur in order to allow that emotion to pass.
 
大多数人不理解，你无法用逻辑去解决自己的情绪，这就会产生类似这种情况。我们的身体需要让化学反应发生并结束，情绪才能得以消散。
 
u/OnePinginRamius
My mom used to not only go through our rooms when we were at school but she would go through the garbage and we would come home from school with a crime scene laid out and having to explain every single little thing.
 
我妈不光在我们上学时翻房间，还会翻垃圾桶。等我们放学回家，就会发现她像侦查犯罪现场一样，把所有东西摊开，让我们逐一解释。
 
This made both of us kids hide everything from our parents and became incredible liars. I still have a guilty conscience because I've always had this feeling that someone's going to scrutinize every single thing that I've done in my life.
 
这让我们兄妹都学会了对父母隐瞒一切，变成了超级会撒谎的人。直到现在我仍然有罪恶感，因为我总觉得会有人仔细审查我一生做过的每件事。
 
Probably because my mom still does that to this day just through the phone instead of in my actual home. Constantly prying and trying to find fault in everything I've ever done and all of my life decisions.
 
也许是因为直到今天，我妈仍然这么做，只不过是通过电话，而不是在家里。她不断刺探，努力在我做过的每件事和我的人生选择里挑毛病。

 cityshepherd
“Do as I say, not as I do” was my mother’s mantra. My father was 100% lead by example / talk the talk AND walk the walk.
 
“听我说的，不要学我做的”是我妈的口头禅。而我爸则完全是以身作则，说到做到。
 
u/stormdelta
My mom is a great positive example - she genuinely did live her values (and her values were great) and it was very obvious to us as kids, so if she was upset about something we listened. Still one of the best humans I've known even as a late-30s adult.
 
我妈就是个很好的正面榜样，她真的践行了自己的价值观（而且这些价值观很棒），对作为孩子的我们来说这非常重要，所以当她对某事感到不满时，我们会认真听。我现在快40岁了，她仍然是我认识过的最好的人之一。
 
u/CatOfTechnology
That would be because children are almost always the first to be subjected to that hypocrisy and, undoubtedly, are the greatest victims of it.
 
那是因为孩子总是最先遭受父母虚伪对待的人，而且毫无疑问，他们也是最大的受害者。
 
If a child is wary of their parents, everyone else should be, too.
 
如果一个孩子对父母保持警惕，那么其他人也应该对这些父母保持警惕。
 
u/Ill-Television8690
Your children aren't your property, they're merely your charge. They're entitled to your respect, providence, and positive guidance.
 
孩子不是你的财产，他们只是暂时由你负责。他们理应得到你的尊重、照顾和积极的引导。
 
"Don't tell me how to raise my kids" has never been a valid sentiment- it's how abusers have been successfully tricking and intimidating people into making the decision to permit the abuse.
 
“别告诉我该怎么养孩子”从来不是一个合理的态度，这只是施虐者成功欺骗和恐吓别人，从而让虐待继续存在的一种方式。
 
RicketyWickets
My mom was aware of how I reacted to her and would get extremely upset if I flinched in public. She'd grip my arm very tightly and say "Stop acting like I abuse you!" I was never acting.
 
我妈很清楚我对她的反应，如果我在公众场合表现得退缩，她会极其愤怒。她会狠狠抓住我的手臂，说：“别装得像我虐待你一样！” 但我从来没有装过。
 
u/Cinderheart
Her image was all that mattered to her.
 
她在乎的只有她的形象。
 
Genshiro
My dad is the embodiment of "Rules for thee, not for me". I also genuinely dread telling him stuff because I know he will overreact and it's exhausting trying to anticipate every possible thing he might say or do. I am wary of him and my sister who has his temper.
 
我爸就是“只许州官放火，不许百姓点灯”的化身。我真的很害怕告诉他事情，因为我知道他会反应过度，而我光是去预想他可能说或做的每一种反应就已经很累了。我对他和我那脾气跟他一模一样的妹妹都心怀戒备。
 
Single\\\\_Cobbler6362
Exactly.....had a talk with someone about kids eating junk food in general....they said they never let their kids eat junk food, and I proceeded to ask if they ate junk food and replied yes....so I was like how do you expect your kids to follow your rules when you can't even follow your own guidelines that you give your own kids. That's like having a soda in your hand and your kids ask can I have some and you say no to them, and then continue to drink it in front of their face. You being a grownup don't give you the right to drink that soda if you're pushing your kids to eat healthy, well yeah eventually they won't follow your rules in junk food.
 
完全正确……我曾经和别人聊过孩子吃垃圾食品的事……他们说他们从来不让孩子吃垃圾食品，我接着问那你自己吃不吃垃圾食品，他们回答说吃……于是我就说，那你自己连给孩子定下的规矩都做不到，又怎么指望孩子遵守呢？就好比你手里拿着一瓶汽水，你孩子问“我能喝一点吗”，你说“不行”，然后你还当着孩子的面继续喝。你是大人并不意味着你就有权利喝汽水，同时又要求孩子只能健康饮食。很明显，最终孩子不会再听你的这套“垃圾食品禁令”。
 
No-Channel3917
It makes total sense
 
完全有道理。
 
Rosso
In general people are more likely to see other people's hypocrisy than their own
It's extra easier when it is somebody you know very well
 
一般来说，人们更容易看到别人的虚伪，而不是自己的。
尤其是当那个人是你非常熟悉的人时，就更容易了。
 
EmperorKira
"Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't often go down well
 
“听我说的，不要学我做的”这套话从来行不通。
 
blackballetflats
This is where I am currently trying with my now adult(?) child. She's 18, and during her childhood was exposed to my constant "do as I say, not as I do" of me constantly telling her to follow the rules while I was struggling with my own alcohol abuse issues and refusing to deal with my own traumas. Now that I'm in recovery and sober, we've started to rebuild a relationship, and I hope that she can maybe still learn something from my mistakes to keep from having to make them herself.
 
我现在正尝试在这方面修复和我已成年的孩子（她 18 岁）的关系。她小时候经常听我宣称“听我说的，不要学我做的”，我不断叫她守规矩，而那时我自己却挣扎于酗酒问题，拒绝面对自己的创伤。现在我正在康复并已戒酒，我们开始重建关系，我希望她还能从我的错误里学到东西，避免重蹈我的覆辙。
 
Monkey_Priest
Don't forget to add "because I said so"
 
训完后还会再补一句 “因为我说了算”。
 
magicnubs
Neither of my parents had more than a high school education, but they were both adamant about us getting good grades so we could go to college. We saw how hard they worked, how tired and stressed they were and how little money they made in unskilled labor jobs -- physical labor, retail, temp clerical, etc. And we lived that reality with them while we were young and then while working menial jobs after high school. It took me a while since I had to work to support myself in college, but I'm in my late 30s now and have two BS degrees and work as a software developer. There are aspects of this lifestyle that are harder (the work is more mentally demanding), but overall life is much easier.
 
我父母的学历都没有超过高中，但他们坚持要我们好好学习，以便能上大学。我们看着他们拼命工作，筋疲力尽，压力很大，在无技能的工作岗位上挣着微薄的薪水——体力劳动、零售、临时文职等等。我们小时候和他们一起过着艰苦的生活。上大学的时候，我必须打工养活自己，也干过很长一段时间的低端工作。但现在我三十多岁，有两个理科学士学位，并且在做软件开发。虽然这种生活在某些方面更辛苦（精神压力更大），但总体上生活轻松得多。
 
squadlevi42284
I think the difference is in choice/agency on part of the child. Ive heard, give information, not orders. So like you said, you present your own failures and why youre suggesting a particular pathway (even very strongly!) But what you dont do is punish the child or withdraw your "love"/approval if they dont make that choice (which becomes not really a choice at that point, its an order).
 
我觉得区别在于孩子有没有选择和自主权。我听过一句话：给信息，而不是给命令。就像你说的，你可以讲出自己过去的失败，并解释为什么建议孩子走某条路（甚至是非常强烈的建议！）。但你不能因为孩子不选择你希望的那条路就惩罚他们，或者收回你的“爱”和认可，一旦那样做，这就根本不是真正的选择，而是命令。
 
u/TazerLazer
My mom came from a very rough upbringing. She did everything in her power to improve herself and not to pass that down to me, but she wasn't perfect.
However, whenever she did make a mistake (Mostly angry screaming about something that did not warrant that level of anger), she was quick to come back and apologize for her behavior, explain it was not my fault, and try to come up with ways to prevent it in the future.
I won't say the behavior didn't leave (emotional) scars but it did a lot to help mitigate the damage. Certainly helped our relationship too. I definitely learned that screaming at your children is not a good parenting method, despite the "do as I say not as I do" nature of a lot of what happened. It also gave me a lot of respect for her in general, which made me take her other requests of me seriously.
 
我妈妈的成长环境很艰难。她竭尽全力提升自己，不想把那些痛苦传递给我，但她也不完美。
不过，每当她犯了错（大多是一些不值得的事情却大声怒吼），她都会很快为自己的行为道歉，解释这不是我的错，并尝试找出办法防止以后再发生。
我不能说这些行为没有留下（情感上的）伤痕，但确实缓解了很多伤害，也大大改善了我们之间的关系。我确实从中学会了：对孩子大吼大叫不是一个好的教育方式，尽管其中也有“言行不一”的成分。但这让我更加尊敬她，也让我认真对待她的其他要求。
 
u/TactlessTortoise
Kids are really good at emulating others, and that includes the "do as I say, not as I do" of parents who are hypocrites.
 
孩子非常擅长模仿别人，这也包括虚伪父母的“只听我说的，不要学我做的”。
 
u/a_tree_rex
I cannot tell you how many times my father said that phrase to me while growing up.
 
我数不清我爸在我成长过程中对我说过多少次这句话了。
 
u/GreenUpYourLife
I heard it in my mom's voice as I read it..
 
我读到这句话时，脑子里自动响起了我妈的声音……
 
u/Azzy8007
takes a long drag on a cigarette
Don't smoke, kids.
 
（深吸一口烟）
孩子们，不要抽烟。
 
sarcastic_sybarite83
If you have one of those voice emulator boxes telling kids not to smoke might be really effective.
If you can't be a good example, you'll have to serve as a horrible warning.
 
如果父母装了那种电子发声器（切掉喉咙后用的），劝孩子不要抽烟可能会非常有效。
如果你不能成为一个好榜样，那你就只能成为一个可怕的警示。
 
u/_ByAnyOther_Name
Unfortunately it usually takes time to become a horrible warning. When your parent is still smoking on oxygen with 1/3 of each lung cut out, the addicted child might instead get the message, "yeah, this addiction is unbeatable to me too." Best if the parent can model the grit and tenacity to overcome the addiction, but addiction isn't just a matter of will sadly.
 
不幸的是，成为一个可怕的警示通常需要很长时间。比如父母一边靠氧气维持呼吸、一边还在用切掉了三分之一的肺抽烟。
成瘾的孩子可能反而会觉得：“是啊，我恐怕也克服不了烟瘾。”
最好的情况是父母能展现出战胜成瘾的坚毅与韧性，但可惜成瘾问题并不仅仅是意志力的问题。
 
cat_at_the_keyboard
Actually that one worked on me. My grandma remained addicted to cigarettes her entire life and that scared me off ever starting.
 
实际上这点对我管用。我奶奶一辈子都沉迷于香烟，这让我吓得从来不敢抽烟。
 
KwyjiboTheGringo
People tend to come home and not want to think about work, unless they are a workaholic. Homework is the opposite of that. Doesn't matter how hard your day was at school, when you get home, you get to do more school. Homework blows.
 
人们回家后往往不想再去工作，除非他们是工作狂。家庭作业正好相反。不管你在学校一天有多辛苦，回到家还要继续上学一样做更多功课。家庭作业太糟糕了。
 
u/iltopop
most teenagers are of a "Present Hedonist" time perception, meaning that often teenagers do in fact understand the future consequences of their actions, they literally simply don't care at the moment. Philip Zimbardo does a great short talk that's available as an RSA animate on youtube where he touches on that in the context of both children smoking/drinking/having unprotected sex etc, and in the context of formal education being a way to turn children from "Present Hedonist" to "Future Positive" time perceptions.
 
大多数青少年属于“当下享乐型”，他们往往确实理解自己行为在未来产生的后果，但就是当下完全不在乎。
Philip Zimbardo 在 YouTube 上有一个很棒的动画演讲，他就谈到过这一点：无论孩子吸烟、喝酒、还是无保护性行为，教育的目的是把孩子从“当下享乐型”转变为“积极未来型”。
 
SoCuteShibe
Interesting. My most controlling parent was a massive hypocrite. Unsurprisingly, I had very little respect for their demands. My anecdotal experience certainly agrees with this.
 
有意思。我最喜欢控制人的父母本身就是个伪君子。毫不意外地，我对他们的要求几乎没有什么尊重。我的亲身经历完全印证了这个观点。
 
u/Mr_Clovis
Ditto. And along with an overbearingly religious upbringing, it led to an enormous distaste for authority in general.
 
我也一样。再加上一个极度宗教化的成长环境，这让我对一切权威都极度反感。
 
stargazer0519
A wise person once said to me, “Children won’t do what you tell them; they’ll do what you show them.”
 
有位智者曾对我说过：“孩子不会照你说的去做，而是照你做的去做。”
 
CrowsRidge514
‘Actions speak louder than words’ strikes again.
 
“行动胜于言辞”再次应验。
 
JudgeGusBus
I would say it’s not just a hypocrisy thing. If you treat your children differently, they notice it before you do. Coming from a large family with parents who (probably unknowingly) played favorites, it took years of therapy to stop resenting my siblings and instead understand it was my parents’ flaws.
 
我觉得这不仅仅是伪善的问题。如果你对孩子区别对待，他们会比你自己更早察觉这一点。
我来自一个大家庭，父母（可能是无意识地）偏心，这让我花了好几年的心理治疗，才从对兄弟姐妹的怨恨中解脱出来，并意识到问题其实在于父母的错误做法。
 
u/ms_globgoblin
makes sense. that’s probably why when my mom told me to clean my room i always got angry bc the rest of the house was and has been a mess since i was little. it felt like she was holding me to a standard she didn’t hold herself to.
 
有道理。这大概就是为什么当我妈让我收拾房间时我总是会生气，因为整个房子从我小时候起就是乱七八糟的。感觉她要求我遵守的标准，她自己却完全不遵守。
 
Ylsid
Parents who immigrate and don't integrate, despite pushing their child to do so, often end up with children who don't integrate too. This seems connected
 
那些移民父母自己不融入社会，却要求孩子去融入，结果往往是孩子也融不进去。这个现象看起来和研究结论很契合。