中国女人约会不掏钱包是真的吗？这是传统还是个人观点？
Is It True That Chinese Women Don’t Take Out Their Wallets on Dates? Seeking Genuine Insight on Dating Culture
译文简介
我来自上海的新女友说，在她的文化中，男人承担约会的所有费用，而女人根本不掏钱包。我真的很好奇这是中国约会文化的常态还是只是她的个人观点。
正文翻译
TL;DR: My new girlfriend from Shanghai says that in her culture, men cover all expenses on dates, and women don’t take out their wallets at all. I’m genuinely curious if this is the norm in Chinese dating culture or just her personal view.
太长不看版：我来自上海的新女友说，在她的文化中，男人承担约会的所有费用，而女人根本不掏钱包。我真的很好奇这是中国约会文化的常态还是只是她的个人观点。
I’ve been dating an absolutely stunning girl from Shanghai. When we first met, her English wasn’t great, but we connected effortlessly—guess we were speaking the universal language of love.
Things were going great until our first fight, and I’m grateful she took the time to explain her feelings to me—something I’ve noticed not all people are willing to do, especially in cross-cultural relationships. The issue? Money.
我一直在和一个来自上海的非常漂亮的女孩约会。当我们第一次见面时，她的英语不是很好，但我们毫不费力地联系上了——我猜我们说的是爱的通用语言。
在我们第一次吵架之前，一切都很顺利，我很感激她花时间向我解释她的感受——我注意到并不是所有人都愿意这样做，尤其是在跨文化关系中。问题出在哪呢？钱。
Things were going great until our first fight, and I’m grateful she took the time to explain her feelings to me—something I’ve noticed not all people are willing to do, especially in cross-cultural relationships. The issue? Money.
我一直在和一个来自上海的非常漂亮的女孩约会。当我们第一次见面时，她的英语不是很好，但我们毫不费力地联系上了——我猜我们说的是爱的通用语言。
在我们第一次吵架之前，一切都很顺利，我很感激她花时间向我解释她的感受——我注意到并不是所有人都愿意这样做，尤其是在跨文化关系中。问题出在哪呢？钱。
I’m not wealthy, but I usually pay for dates. That said, I appreciate it when my partner offers to cover something—it feels like they’re taking ownership of the relationship too. She hasn’t done this much, but I didn’t really mind… until this one incident.
That day, I drove her to fix her bike, we had dinner, and then stopped by IKEA to grab a bag for her foldable bike. At the self-checkout, I scanned her $8 item and casually said, “Alright, your turn.” She paid, but then she lost it.
我并不富有，但我通常会支付约会的费用。话虽如此，当我的伴侣主动提出分担费用时我也很感激——这让我觉得他们也在对这段关系承担责任。她没有做过这么多，但我并不介意……直到这件事。
那天，我开车送她去修理自行车，我们吃了晚饭，然后去宜家为她的折叠自行车拿了一个袋子。在自助结账处，我扫描了她8美元的商品，然后随意地说：“好吧，轮到你了。”她付了钱，但随后她情绪崩溃了。
That day, I drove her to fix her bike, we had dinner, and then stopped by IKEA to grab a bag for her foldable bike. At the self-checkout, I scanned her $8 item and casually said, “Alright, your turn.” She paid, but then she lost it.
我并不富有，但我通常会支付约会的费用。话虽如此，当我的伴侣主动提出分担费用时我也很感激——这让我觉得他们也在对这段关系承担责任。她没有做过这么多，但我并不介意……直到这件事。
那天，我开车送她去修理自行车，我们吃了晚饭，然后去宜家为她的折叠自行车拿了一个袋子。在自助结账处，我扫描了她8美元的商品，然后随意地说：“好吧，轮到你了。”她付了钱，但随后她情绪崩溃了。
She told me she was disappointed because she had expected me to cover it, especially since it was such a small expense. She explained that in her culture, it’s normal for the man to pay for everything on a date—and that even a male platonic friend would pick up the tab instead of letting a woman pay. She also mentioned she’d been “kind” by choosing cheaper places to eat and not dragging me shopping.
她告诉我她很失望，因为她原以为我会承担这笔费用，特别是因为这是一笔很小的费用。她解释说，在她的文化中，男人在约会时支付所有费用是很正常的，而且即使是柏拉图式的男性朋友也会买单，而不是让女人付钱。她还提到她很“体贴”，选择了更便宜的地方吃饭，而不是拖着我去购物。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
她告诉我她很失望，因为她原以为我会承担这笔费用，特别是因为这是一笔很小的费用。她解释说，在她的文化中，男人在约会时支付所有费用是很正常的，而且即使是柏拉图式的男性朋友也会买单，而不是让女人付钱。她还提到她很“体贴”，选择了更便宜的地方吃饭，而不是拖着我去购物。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Now, I’m genuinely trying to understand. Is this typical for Chinese dating culture? Is it a form of financial chivalry or a broader cultural expectation? I’ve been looking at this from two perspectives:
1.From a liberal standpoint, I can’t help but feel a bit used.
2.From a more traditional view, I see how this aligns with a conservative, provider-type role—where the man is expected to financially support his partner.
现在，我真诚地试图理解。这是中国约会文化的典型特征吗？这是一种金融骑士精神还是更广泛的文化期望？我一直从两个角度来看这个问题：
1.从自由主义的角度来看，我不禁觉得有点被利用了。
2.从更传统的角度来看，我认为这与保守的、提供者型的角色是一致的——在这种角色中，男人被期望在经济上支持他的伴侣。
1.From a liberal standpoint, I can’t help but feel a bit used.
2.From a more traditional view, I see how this aligns with a conservative, provider-type role—where the man is expected to financially support his partner.
现在，我真诚地试图理解。这是中国约会文化的典型特征吗？这是一种金融骑士精神还是更广泛的文化期望？我一直从两个角度来看这个问题：
1.从自由主义的角度来看，我不禁觉得有点被利用了。
2.从更传统的角度来看，我认为这与保守的、提供者型的角色是一致的——在这种角色中，男人被期望在经济上支持他的伴侣。
She also mentioned that many Chinese women are frustrated with modern dating because men aren’t meeting these expectations anymore.
她还提到，许多中国女性对现代约会感到沮丧，因为男性不再满足这些期望。
她还提到，许多中国女性对现代约会感到沮丧，因为男性不再满足这些期望。
Ultimately, I want to make this work, and I’m willing to compromise because I know dating across cultures requires effort. I just want to hear from others—especially those familiar with Chinese culture—if this is really the norm, or if it’s more of an individual expectation.
Thanks in advance for helping me understand!
最终，我希望这段关系能够顺利进行，我愿意做出妥协，因为我知道跨文化约会需要付出努力。我只是想听听其他人的意见——尤其是那些熟悉中国文化的人——这是否真的是普遍现象，或者还是更多的是个人期望。
提前感谢大家帮助我理解！
Thanks in advance for helping me understand!
最终，我希望这段关系能够顺利进行，我愿意做出妥协，因为我知道跨文化约会需要付出努力。我只是想听听其他人的意见——尤其是那些熟悉中国文化的人——这是否真的是普遍现象，或者还是更多的是个人期望。
提前感谢大家帮助我理解！
评论翻译
很赞 ( 19 )
收藏
People in China don't use wallets anymore.
中国人不再使用钱包了。
The newborns might not know what the wallets are... To be honest, I had never used a wallet until I came to USA.
新生儿可能不知道钱包是什么……说实话，我来美国之前从来没有用过钱包。
When did you come ? USA nowadays are cashless. My Taxi driver dont even have enough money to cover my changes (less than 10 dollar). Whenever I give a cashier a benji, they look me up and down to make sure that I am not sort of drug dealer or something.
你什么时候来的？现在的美国已经是无现金了。我的出租车司机甚至没有足够的钱来支付我的零钱（不到 10 美元）。每当我给收银员一张便士时，他们都会上下打量我，以确保我不是毒贩之类的。
Literally my first thought too
照字面意思，我的第一个想法也是
I guess you will be more stunned when you find out the man need to pay 100-300k as bride price when getting married in Chinese culture
当你发现在中国文化中结婚时男方需要支付10-30万彩礼时，我想你会更惊讶
No fucking way hahahahahaha. I guess I’ll post on Reddit again in a few years
开什么玩笑，哈哈哈哈，我想几年后我会再次在 Reddit 上发帖
Yeah, nah. I didn't do that. My line was that there are two cultures and respect needs to go both ways. There has been some discussion about money. Her parents haven't given me anything and while I'll pay for a dinner or similar they've been told a flat no about money a few times.
嗯，不。我没有那样做。我的观点是，两种文化需要相互尊重。关于钱的问题也有过讨论。她的父母没有给我任何东西，虽然我会支付晚餐或类似的费用，但他们几次提出要钱时，我都明确拒绝了。
Same here. My Chinese in-laws never asked and and when I brought up the topic of a bride price, they instantly refused, saying it's not part of my culture. Period. They also payed for the (small) wedding and chipped in a big chunk when we bought an apartment a few years later, even though we never asked for anything. Guess you have to find not just the right woman but also the one with the right parents.
我也一样。我的中国岳父母从来没有问过，当我提起彩礼的话题时，他们立即拒绝了，说那不属于我们的文化。不必再提。他们还支付了（小型）婚礼的费用，并在几年后我们买公寓时捐了一大笔钱，尽管我们从未要求过任何东西。我想你不仅要找到合适的女人，还要找到合适的父母。
The topic was never even raised with me and my now-wife. Her parents are often trying to give us money, especially now we have a child. But bride price and the like wasn't even raised. We paid for the wedding ourselves, wasn't expensive (cheaper than a British wedding by a fair few thousand). Money's just never been a topic discussed for us in that regard.
这个话题甚至从未向我和我现在的妻子提起过。她的父母经常想办法给我们钱，尤其是现在我们有了孩子。但是彩礼之类的从未提起过。我们自己付了婚礼费用，并不贵（比英国婚礼便宜几千英镑）。在这方面，金钱从来都不是我们讨论的话题。
Do you get a refund if you end up divorcing a few years later? LM
如果几年后离婚，你能得到退款吗？笑死我了
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Cheap Frugal Chinese Women don't pay on dates. But Independent Educated Employed Chinese women will offer to pay.
小气节俭的中国女性约会时不付钱。但受过独立教育的中国就业女性愿意支付费用。
I guess it depends on the person. Sometimes it's not her, but her parents. In my case, it was much lower. Only a token amount. Parents see it as having face if their daughter can command high dowry. I got a friend whose MIL asked for 1M RMB. He declined. His gf/wife also thought it was excessive. They are now both paying (without her parents' knowledge). I dunno what your situation is with this girl but it could be "normal" or it could be red flags. Only time will tell.
我想这取决于个人。有时不是她，而是她的父母。就我而言，它要低得多。只有象征性的金额。父母觉得如果女儿能拿到高额彩礼，那就有面子了。我有一个朋友，他的岳母要100万人民币。他拒绝了。他的女朋友/妻子也认为这太过分了。他们现在都在付钱（在她父母不知情的情况下）。我不知道你和这个女孩的情况如何，但这可能是“正常”的，也可能是危险信号。只有时间才能证明一切。
It's the price for those who accept this bullshit. I didn't pay to be my wife's husband.
这是那些接受这种狗屁话的人的代价。我可没付钱成为我妻子的丈夫。
Yes, expectation that men will pay for everything is highly Ingrained in China.
Gender norms and expectation that men should always take lead and pay for women still predominant there. The dating culture is very imbalanced and competitive ; men are under pressure to impress. When other men out there are paying everything for dates and spending well on gifts, it's pressuring everyone else to do the same thing to keep up. It's not so good on the "face" 面子 part if the guy do not pay enough or act as generously as others.
是的，男人需要为一切买单的期望在中国根深蒂固。
性别规范和男性应始终带头并为女性买单的期望仍然占主导地位。约会文化非常不平衡和竞争；男人面临着给人留下深刻印象的压力。当其他男人为约会不惜一切代价并在礼物上花费巨资时，其他人就会被迫做同样的事情来跟上。如果这个人付钱不够，或者表现得不像其他人那么慷慨，那么“面子”部分就不太好。
我认识的许多中国大陆男性讨厌这种要为一切买单的社会期望。有些人有理智的伴侣，他们非常愿意分摊费用。但这些男人觉得有义务支付一切，因为其他人都在这样做。
Mainland dudes have to carry their girl's handbag. Might as well fish for her wallet and use that to pay :-)
大陆的男生得帮女朋友提包。还不如顺便找她的钱包，拿着它去付钱 :-)
Partly yes. As you can imagine, discussions around any particular culture require a bit of oversimplification, but the root cause of what many people perceive to be a problem with dating in China is the power imbalance. Because there's far less women than men there (one unintended but certainly foreseeable consequence of the one child policy), women do hold more leverage, which translates into a sense of entitlement. This in turn begets and breeds a sense of resentment on men's part, which I think you can sense from some of the responses you've gotten.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you think she actually is into you. Assuming your answer is yes, then your next step is to figure out how much patience you have for this unevenness. I am not saying she's right. She's clearly being unfair. But things you're brought up and used to thinking are hard to shed, and it takes her being willing to reflect and you being willing to wait for some changes or adjustments on her end. To me what would be the most important is whether she's willing to be an equal partner on balance. If all she wants is for you to give, give, and give, then the relationship will not be sustainable. But if you can get to let's say 70-30, would that aspect of this relationship be acceptable to you? Are there other things she's more willing to give? You and you alone must uate the whole of this relationship and draw your red line, irrespective of the source of the conflict.
For what it's worth, regardless of whether you're right to think she should pay for some things, I find it a bit crass and immature for you to just say "your turn." Either have the conversation without doing so, or stop spending time with her if you think it's a dealbreaker.
一定程度上是的。正如你可以想象的那样，围绕任何特定文化的讨论都需要做一些过度简化，但许多人认为中国约会问题的根本原因是权力不平衡。因为那里的女性人数远少于男性（这是独生子女政策的一个非故意但显然可以预见的后果），女性确实拥有更多的影响力，这转化为一种权利感。这反过来又会引起男性的怨恨感，我想你可以从你得到的一些回应中感受到这一点。
我认为你需要问自己的问题是你是否认为她真的喜欢你。假设您的答案是肯定的，那么您的下一步就是弄清楚您对这种不平衡性有多少耐心。我并不是说她是对的。她显然不公平。但你习惯的思维方式很难改变，需要她愿意反思，也需要你愿意等待她做出一些改变或调整。对我来说，最重要的是她是否愿意成为一个平等的伴侣。如果她想要的只是你的付出、付出、再付出，那么你们的关系就无法持续。但如果你们能达到 70-30，你们能接受这段关系的这一方面吗？她还有其他更愿意付出的东西吗？无论冲突的根源是什么，你只能自己必须评估整个关系并划清红线。
不管怎么样，无论你认为她应该为某些东西付钱的想法是否正确，我都觉得你只是说“轮到你了”有点粗鲁和不成熟。要么直接对话，要么不这样做，或者如果你认为这是个阻碍因素，就停止与她共度时光。
How old are you?
I honestly find posts like this surprising and weird, but i'm 42 (Canadian). I 100% am just old enough to remember when every culture on earth was more or less like this. Yes, men everywhere in the world were expected to pay for dates. And i'm old enough to laugh that society has changed and this isn't universally the case (which is a good thing).
I had to re-read your post, and I realise that you aren't IN china, just dating a Chinese girl. Originally, I said: "Still, it's a bit naive / ignorant for you to need to ask this question. This is the sort of post I'd expect to see asking about dating a girl here in Canada, not China where the answer should be obvious." But since you aren't in China, I guess you just haven't researched life here and are dating this girl for her appearance (which I don't blame you, trust me)
40 years ago, men in america or canada or europe would be expected to pay for dates. Except in the very most liberal circles. Well, that's still true in china, which is a far, far more conservative culture. If you are ever wondering something like this, just ask how it would have been in the west 40 years ago and you'll usually have your answer. So yes, she is 100% correct that this is how it is. Again, to me it's incredibly obvious that any girl coming from a conservative culture is going to have this outlook. Expect this from any girl anywhere in the world except a very liberal, modern girl from the west or POSSIBLY japan.
That said, she's not in CHina anymore. She should learn about your culture too right? Well, from an old man like me i can say again that this is how I grew up - men paid for dates. So really, your outlook is very modern indeed. I AGREE with you, but you have to expect this attitude from most women around the world. If you want to date someone, and they aren't from WESTERN europe (France, germany, norway, Britain), or the english world, chances are this will be the expectation.
你多大了？
老实说，我觉得这样的帖子令人惊讶和奇怪，但我42岁（加拿大人）。我百分百年纪够大，还记得地球上的每一种文化或多或少都是这样的。是的，世界各地的男人被期望为约会付费。我已经足够大了，可以笑着说社会已经发生了变化，现在不再是普遍的现象了（这是一件好事）。
我不得不重新阅读你的帖子，我意识到你不在中国，只是在和一个中国女孩约会。起初，我说：“不过，你需要问这个问题有点天真/无知。这种帖子我更期待看到的是有人问在加拿大约会女孩的情况，而不是在中国，这里的答案应该很明显。”但既然你不在中国，我猜你只是没有研究过这里的生活，只是因为这个女孩的外表而和她约会（我不怪你，相信我）
40年前，美国、加拿大或欧洲的男性约会时被期望为约会买单。除了最自由的圈子。嗯，这在中国仍然如此，中国的文化要保守得多。如果你曾经有类似的疑问，只要问问40年前的西方会是什么样子，你通常就会得到答案。所以是的，她百分百确认事情就是这样。同样，对我来说，任何来自保守文化的女孩都会有这种观点，这是非常明显的。除了来自西方或日本的非常自由、现代的女孩，世界上其他地方的女孩都会有这种期望。
也就是说，她已经不在中国了。她也应该了解你们的文化，对吗？嗯，对像我这样的老人来说，我可以再说一遍，我就是这样长大的——男人为约会付费。确实，你的观点确实非常现代。我同意你的观点，但你必须预料到世界上大多数女性都会采取这种态度。如果你想和某人约会，而他们不是来自西欧（法国、德国、挪威、英国）或英语世界，这种期望很有可能会存在。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
They like it both ways, the empowerment without the part where they have to pay. On top of it, she hides behind that "my culture" nonsense. If this is a causal/sex thing and u can afford to be magnanimous, just pay. If u want this to become something more, u might want to put all the cards on the table at some point. If she is a hyper pretty, she might be leveragling her youth and sexual appeal for stuff...
No, not all girls expect u to pay, but there's a lot of assumptions and unspoken expectations. Know what sort of relationship u r engaging.
她们喜欢两者兼得，享受权利的同时又不需要付钱。而且，她还躲在“我的文化”这种胡话背后。如果这只是一个随便的/性方面的事情，而且你能负担得起宽宏大度，那就付钱吧。如果你想让这段关系变得更深，你可能会在某个时候把所有的事情摊开来说。如果她长得特别漂亮，她可能是在用自己的青春和性魅力来换取东西……
不， 并不是所有女孩都期望你付钱，但有很多假设和不言而喻的期望。你得清楚自己在什么样的关系中。
Traditionally that's how it works in the Chinese dating scene. Even amongst friends, guys usually pick up the bills. But at the end of the day, it's up to you two to decide how it should be in your relationship.
When the subject of marriage comes up, some families may request for a certain amount of gifts, in cash and/or property or others, from the groom side, while the bride will be given a dowry (in the form of jewelry or property, cash etc.). Whether the groom's family is in charge of the full expenditure of the event or not depends on the local tradition. In certain areas, the bride's family picks up the bills. Again, that's the tradition. Some families are open to new ideas. I'm not sure if it's true, but what I got from the media is that nowadays the bride's families in China are notorious in asking for a high sum in cash and/or property.
传统上，这就是中国约会场景的运作方式。即使是朋友之间，通常都是男人买单。但最终，要由你们两个来决定你们的关系应该如何发展。
当谈到结婚时，一些家庭可能会要求新郎一方提供一定数量的礼物，例如现金和/或财产或其他，而新娘则会得到嫁妆（以珠宝或财产的形式，现金等）。新郎的家人是否负责婚礼的全部费用取决于当地的传统。在某些地区，新娘的家人会买单。再说一次，这就是传统。有些家庭对新想法持开放态度。我不确定这是否属实，但我从媒体了解到的是，如今新娘的家人在中国因索要高额现金和/或财产而臭名昭著。
Why do male friends pick up the bill? Is it an attempt to impress the girl into dating? Are women prevented from working in China?
为什么男性朋友会买单？这是为了给女孩留下深刻的印象并让她约会吗？在中国，女性是被禁止工作了吗？
The cultural stereotype is that it's considered manly to show off your wealth and ability through generosity to friends/dates/colleagues etc.
文化刻板印象是，通过向朋友/约会对象/同事等慷慨展示自己的财富和能力被认为是有男子气概的。
Interesting. My first thought was, in the west, people show wealth and ability by spending money on themselves. China’s way sounds better in some sense.
有趣。我的第一个想法是，在西方，人们通过在自己身上花钱来展示财富和能力。从某种意义上说，中国的方式听起来更好。