有哪些好玩的物理学笑话？

Marc Clamage
That about covers it for the physics jokes, so here are some engineering ones:

这里有一些工程笑话，也算包含在物理笑话里：

* * *
A woman tells her engineer husband, "Go to the supermarket and buy a gallon of milk. And if they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back with a dozen gallons of milk.

一个女人告诉她的工程师丈夫，“去超市买一加仑牛奶，如果有鸡蛋的话，就买上一打。”然后他回来时买了十二加仑的牛奶。

* * *
An engineer, a doctor, a priest and a lawyer are playing golf when they get caught behind a particularly slow foursome. They see a groundskeeper, call him over, and ask what the hold up is. The groundskeeper says, "Those are four fire fighters who were all blinded in a terrible blaze a few years ago. We let them play here as a courtesy." The priest says, "Those poor guys! I'll pray for them at Mass this Sunday." The doctor says, "I have a friend who's a respected eye surgeon. I'll ask him to look into their case." The lawyer says, "I'll look into their settlement and make sure they got everything they deserve." The engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"

一位工程师，一位医生，一位牧师和一位律师在打高尔夫，但是他们前面的一组人打得很慢。于是他们叫来一个管理员问他前面是什么事情耽搁了，管理员告诉他们：“前面是四个消防员，几年前他们在一场剧烈的大火中不幸失明了，出于礼貌，我们让他们来这里打球。”牧师说道：“哦，这些可怜的家伙！这个礼拜日的弥撒中我将为他们祈祷。”医生表示：“我有一个朋友是备受尊重的眼科医生，我会请他来给这些消防员看看病。”律师说：“我会查看下他们的协议，确保他们得到了他们应得的一切。”工程师则说：“他们为什么不晚上来打球呢？”

* * *
Kate Upton and an engineer are cast away on a desert island. After a few days the engineer has things running like clockwork. He's located food and water, he's set up an automatic SOS signal, he's built a little house with hot and cold running coconut milk, the whole nine yards. Kate Upton says to him, "You've done such a wonderful job of taking care of me and you've been a perfect gentleman. Let me show my appreciation." All night long they make passionate love.

凯特·阿普顿（美国模特）和一位工程师流落到一座沙滩岛上，几天后工程师就把事情做得井井有条。他找到了食物和水、设置了自动求助信号，他还建了一座小屋子，里面有流动的冷热椰子奶，做完了这一切，凯特·阿普顿对他说：“你把我照顾得太好了，你就是一位完美的绅士！我要表示下我的感谢”，于是整晚他们都在激情地做爱。

The next day she turns to him and says, "So how was that? Was it perfect?" The engineer says, "It was almost perfect, but just a few little things..." "Anything you want, darling," she murmurs.

第二天，她对着他问道：“昨晚怎么样？完美吗？”工程师说：“它几乎是完美的，但是还有一点小事情……”“你想要什么，亲爱的。”她喃喃道。

"Well, for starters, can I take this piece of charcoal and give you a mustache?" Kate Upton is a little surprised but she says sure.

“好吧，那首先，我可以用木炭给你画个胡子吗？” 凯特·阿普顿有点儿惊讶但她还是答应了。

"And is it all right if I call you Bob?" Again she agrees. "Last thing, would you walk down the beach a ways then come back and pretend you don't see me?" So Kate Upton walks down the beach, turns around and starts to walk back to the hut. As she nears, the engineer jumps out from behind a sand dune and shouts "Bob! Bob! I just nailed Kate Upton!"

“然后，我叫你鲍勃可以吗？”凯特继续答应了。“最后一件事，你可以在沙滩上走一段路然后走回来，假装你没有看到我吗？”于是凯特·阿普顿走向海滩，转身开始走回小屋，当她走近时，工程师从一个沙丘后面跳了出来，喊道："鲍勃! 鲍勃! 我刚刚搞定了凯特·阿普顿！"

Adam Lantos
1 st
Joke:
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

一个物理学家、一个工程师和一个统计学家一起去打猎，突然，50码外出现了一只鹿。

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

物理学家在真空的假设下做了一些基本的弹道计算，然后以特定的角度举起了他的步枪射击，然而子弹落点短了5码。

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

工程师加了空气阻力的经验参数，然后将他的步枪稍微举高一些，然而子弹落点长了5码。

The statistician yells "We got him!"

统计学家欢呼道：“我们射中它了！”

2 nd
Joke:
An engineer is working at his desk in his office. His cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames. The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.

一个工程师正在他办公室的桌前工作，他的香烟从桌上掉到了垃圾桶里，把纸引着了，工程师环顾周围，看到了灭火器，拿起它熄灭了火，然后回去继续工作。

A physicist is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks "Fire requires fuel plus oxygen plus heat. The fire extinguisher will remove both the oxygen and the heat in the wastebasket. Ergo, no fire." He grabs the extinguisher, puts out the flames, and goes back to work.

一个物理学家正在他办公室的桌前工作，然后同样的事情发生了。他看了看火，看了看灭火器，然后想到“燃烧需要可燃物、氧气和温度，灭火器将会同时隔绝垃圾桶里的氧气并降低温度，这样火就灭了。”他拿起灭火器灭了火，然后回去继续工作。

A mathematician is working at his desk in another office and the same thing happens. He looks at the fire, looks at the fire extinguisher, and thinks for a minute, says "Ah! A solution exists!" and goes back to work.

一个统计学家正在他办公室的桌前工作，然后同样的事情发生了。他看了看火，又看了看灭火器，然后思考了一会儿，说道：“啊哈！问题解决了！”然后回去继续工作。

3 rd
Joke:
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

一个工程师、一个物理学家和一个统计学家要尽可能使用最少的材料给一群羊建造围栏。

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

工程师将羊群赶成一个圆形，并围着它们建造了一个围栏。

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

物理学家造了一个直径无限大的围栏，然后拉到一起直到它圈住了羊群。

The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

统计学家想了一会儿，然后建了一个围栏把自己圈起来，并定义他自己是在外面。

Extra:
A couple of amusing stories (not jokes) about Dirac:

补充：几个关于狄拉克（英国理论物理学家，量子力学的奠基人之一）的趣事（不是笑话）：

Dirac said “I was taught at school never to start a sentence without knowing the end of it.” This ex-plains a lot. Dirac’s famously taciturn and precise nature spawned many “Dirac stories”. One example concerns a conference lecture he himself gave, following which a questioner indicated that he had not followed a particular part of Dirac’s argument. A long silence ensued, broken finally by the chairman asking if Professor Dirac would deal with the question. Dirac responded, “It was a statement, not a question.”

狄拉克说：“在学校我学会了如果你不知道如何收尾，就不要急着开始一句话。”这解释了很多事情。狄拉克出了名的沉默寡言和严谨的天性产生了许多 "狄拉克故事"。一次在他自己做的一次会议演讲上，有一个提问者表示狄拉克推导的某一部分他没有听懂，然后就是长时间的沉默，最后主席打破了这份寂静，问狄拉克教授是否会回答这个问题。狄拉克回答说："这是一个陈述句，不是一个问题。"

William Vietinghoff
·
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You don’t look good.”
The hydrogen atom says, “Yeah, I lost an electron.”
The bartender says, “Are you sure?”
The hydrogen atom says, “I’m positive.”

一个氢原子走进一家酒吧，酒保说：“你看起来不太好。”
氢原子说：“是的，我失去了一个电子。”
酒保说：“你确定吗？”
氢原子说：“我确定。”（positive还可表示带正电，这里氢原子失去一个电子后变成了带一个单位正电荷的氢离子。）

Peter Mills
A chemist, an engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are riding in a train in Scotland. The chemist points to a sheep and says, “Look, there are black sheep in Scotland!” The engineer corrects him and says, “Well, there’s at least one black sheep in Scotland.” The mathematician goes further and states, “There is at least one sheep that’s black on one side in Scotland.” The physicist, who had been staring out another window this whole time is pulled from his reverie. “Suppose we model the sheep as a sphere…”

一个化学家、一个工程师、一个数学家和一个物理学家在苏格兰的一辆火车上，化学家指着一只羊说：“看，苏格兰有黑色的羊！”工程师纠正道：“应该是苏格兰至少有一只黑色的羊。”数学家继续说道：“在苏格兰，至少有一只羊它的一面是黑色的。”一直盯着另一扇窗沉思的物理学家从他的思绪中出来说道：“我们把这只羊假设成一个球体……”

David Rupp
·
So… there’s an engineer, a biologist, and a physicist sitting in a bar.

一个工程师、一个生物学家和一个物理学家在酒吧里坐着。

The three are reading the paper and discussing horse racing.

他们一边看报一边讨论着赛马。

The engineer says “Hmm… we’re all good scientists, why couldn’t we put that to use and accurately predict the outcome of the horse race? It could be a chance to get some big money!”

工程师说：“呃……我们都擅长科学，那我们为何不学以致用来精确地预测比赛的结果呢？这可是个得到一大笔钱的好机会！”

The three agree to partake in a brief study of horse racing, and the next time they met they would share their models of which horse might win before making their winning bets.

他们三个表示赞同，于是决定对比赛做一个简短的研究，下次见面时他们在下赌注前会分享他们的比赛结果模型。

The next time they meet, all three scientists are eager to share their theories.

第二次见面时，这三个科学家都急着分享自己的理论。

“Well”, said the engineer. “I measured the leg length of all the horses and also measured their mass. I have a good idea of which horse is most likely to win based on a basic comparison of these mechanical factors.”

工程师说道：“我计算了所有马的腿长和它们的质量，根绝这些力学因素的基本比较，我很清楚哪匹马最有可能获胜。”

“Hmm”, said the biologist. “I took stool samples and checked the veterinary records of the horses, and I checked the cardiovascular systems and also the respiratory systems of them. I have a good idea of which horse is healthiest, and has the best stamina so is therefore most likely to win.”

生物学家说道：“呃……我取了这些马的粪便样品和兽医记录，我还检查了它们的心血管系统和呼吸系统，我清楚哪匹马是最健康的、耐力是最好的，也是最可能赢的。”

The engineer and the biologist nod excitedly and turn to the physicist.

工程师和生物学家兴奋地点点头，然后看向物理学家。

“What have you got for us?” asked the biologist.

生物学家问：“你有什么要告诉我们的吗？”

The physicist replied.

物理学家回答道。

“So I started by modelling the horse as a sphere, but I can’t quite get it to go around corners.”

“我一开始将马看作一个球形模型，但我没办法让它拐弯。”

Gabriel Vicario-Castrejón


1.一场势均力敌的比赛
2.他们正在检查电子显微镜
3.在量子结局中，最后的胜者是3号
4.这不公平！你通过测量方法改变了结果！！

Nikhil Thomas
Here’s a really funny one I heard:

我听过一个非常有趣的物理笑话：

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

为什么量子物理学家在性方面很糟糕？

Because when they find the position, they can’t find momentum. And when they find the momentum, they can’t find the position.

因为当他们找到位置时，他们动不起来，而当他们可以动起来时，他们又找不到位置。

Steven Haddock
A physics professor was charged with running a red light.

一位物理教授被指控闯红灯。

However, at trial, he explained how, when you approach a light source, the light waves shift towards the colour blue. The judge understood the concept and believed the professor when he said he saw a green light.

然而，在审讯时，他解释道，当你接近红灯的时候，光波会发生蓝移。法官搞懂了这个过程，并相信教授所声称的他看到了绿灯。

However, one of the professor’s students told the judge how fast the professor would have had to be going to shift the red light into the green part of the spectrum. The professor was convicted of speeding instead.

但教授的一名学生告诉法官，教授需要开得多快红光才会变成绿光，于是这位教授被判了超速。

Swapnil Jai Upadhyay
***If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light , and then you turned your lights on , would they do anything ?

如果你在一辆以光速行驶的汽车里，然后你打开车灯，会发生什么呢？

***A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and uated a triple integral. The physicist filled the beaker with water , put the ball in the water and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

一位数学家、一位物理学家和一位工程师每个人得到了一个红色的橡胶球，并被告知要得到其体积。数学家仔细测量了直径，并估算了一个三重积分；物理学家在烧杯里装满水，把球放进水里，测量了总位移；工程师在他的红色橡胶球表中查到了模型和序列号。

***A physics professor is giving a lecture on lighting. ‘ The moon is more useful than the sun because the moon shines at night when you want the light , whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it’.

一位物理学教授正在做一场关于照明的讲座，他说道：“月亮比太阳更有用，因为月亮在你需要光的晚上照耀，而太阳在你不需要光的白天照耀。”

***A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

两周前将会举行一个关于时间旅行的研讨会。

***A mathematician , a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First , they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist says , ‘ The measurement wasn't accurate’. The biologist says , ‘ they have reproduced’. The mathematician says , ‘ If now exactly one person enters the house , it will be empty again.’

一位数学家、一位生物学家和一位物理学家坐在一家街头咖啡馆里，看着街对面的房子人进进出出。一开始，他们看到两个人进了房子。时间流逝，过了一会儿，他们发现有三个人从房子里出来。物理学家说：“测量并不准确。”生物学家说：“他们已经进行了繁衍。”数学家说：“如果现在正好有一个人进了这所房子，房子就又变成空的了。”

***What's a quark ? The noise made by a well bred duck.

什么是夸克？一只养尊处优的鸭子的噪声。

Cheers :)

谢谢:)