从那些被糟糕的家长带大的孩子身上，能看出哪些普遍的特征？

GargantuanCake
Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you've seen enough shit certain things just don't faze you anymore.

情感的麻木，尤其是面临糟糕的事情的时候。只要你见过足够多的烂事，一些东西就只能让你无动于衷了。

ThisWasBatCountry
This hits very close to home, but I remain unfazed by it!

说得很准，但我还是无动于衷！

Science_Sloww
Now a days I feel so numb when I am with parents (like 24-7) that I feel like I have no empathy and it is scaring me.

现在我就算和父母在一起（24小时在一起）的时候也特别麻木。我感觉好像自己没有同情心一样，这让我很害怕、

bricameasromans
Haha I regret clicking on this thread.

哈哈我有点后悔点开这个帖子了。

probablyjimmylam
Having no desire to see them.

没有见他们的欲望。

hoooliet
You remember being severely neglected yet you were told “you are spoiled.”

你会记得自己被严重地无视，但同时他们还告诉你“你被惯坏了。”

Burgar_Obummer
Both were true for me. No encouragement to be self-reliant and confident, every independent thought shut down, yet I never wanted for anything.

对我来说这两者其实都对。他们不会鼓励我自立、自信，每一种独立的想法都被他们反驳，但我也从来没有向他们要求过什么。

colleenk69
Paranoia, the inability to trust others and obsessively overthinking every conversation they have. Also— speaking from a personal perspective— people that grew up with toxic parents continue to question their sanity and reality here & there from the continuous gaslighting

迫害妄想，没有相信别人的能力，会强迫性地过度思考和他们进行过的每一段对话。还有——从我个人的角度说——那些被糟糕的家长带大的人，会因为这种持续的心理操纵而偶尔去质疑自己的理智和现实。

WowzaDelight9075
Yeah… I have a really hard time identifying my feelings and trusting my thoughts because the anxiety gets jumbled up with them to the point where I can’t tell who I am anymore or what I believe. Especially when my anxiety is at it’s worst. It’s scary

没错……我真的很难辨认出我自己的感受、相信我自己的想法，因为和他们在一起的时候，我的焦虑会不断加剧，直到我根本说不出我是谁，或者我相信什么。尤其是我的焦虑最严重的时候。很吓人。

ChurchillsHat
They lie. Lies specifically for avoiding conflict. Actually, I change my answer to Avoiding Conflict. It's avoidance until an explosion. It's all they know.

他们会撒谎。尤其是为了避免冲突而撒谎。其实不是在避免冲突。而是一直在避免，直到发生冲突。他们都知道的。

Some personal reference, I used to lie so frequently it was easier than remembering the truth. I would get mad at characters on TV for being so bad at coming up with a plausible denial. One day I decided I was broken and now I won't lie. I tell the truth all the time and it's so calming. My spouse (also shite parents) will lie about anything money related (thanks in-laws!) but he's so bad at it and never covers his tracks. Like, come on. At least have some childhood trauma that makes you good at it. For real, he just says everything was on sale, I've gotten used to just ignoring anything he says about money.

一些个人的参考。我以前经常撒谎，撒谎比记住真相要轻松多了。我会因为电视上的角色想不出一个说得通的理由去拒绝而非常生气。有一天我发现自己可能是坏掉了，所以现在我再也不撒谎了。我永远都说真话，这让我非常平静。我的配偶（他的父母也很糟糕）会在一切与金钱相关的事情上说假话（岳父岳母谢谢了啊）但是他很不擅长撒谎，并且也不会掩盖这件事。就，得了吧，至少你童年经历过的那些创伤应该会让你擅长这一点吧。说真的，他直接就说全都打折，我已经习惯了无视他说的关于钱的一切事情了。

vintagecomputernerd
For the longest time I could not answer questions from my father with an actual answer; only with the thing I thought was least likely to make him angry/yell at me.

很长时间以来我都不能用真实的回答来回答我父亲的问题，我只能想出一个最不至于惹他生气或者对我大喊大叫的回答。

Darth_Aracnus
As a grown man I had to tell my dad that he turned me into a liar because whenever I told him a truth he didn’t want to hear, he would punish me and call me a liar until I “admitted” what he wanted to hear.

作为一个成年人，我不得不对父亲说，是他把我变成了一个骗子，因为每次我跟他说真相的时候他都不想听，他会责罚我，说我撒谎，直到我“承认”他想要听的东西。

MisterXnumberidk
Ouch....

噢……

Yeah. I lie to keep my parents in the dark about most of my life because i will get shit for anything they disapprove or disagree with and i'm not exactly a role model. It works, it's awfully quiet, but it's a lot better than the constant screaming i grew up with that caused their share of problems.

对。我这辈子绝大部分时间都在撒谎，在把父母蒙在鼓里，因为一切他们不赞同或者不同意的事情都会遭到他们的职责，我自己也不是什么完人。这很管用，虽然安井得可怕，但是比陪伴我长大的永不停歇的喊叫，以及给他们带来的困扰相比，这要好的太多了。

I hate how fluently i change the truth, as i hate people doing the same to me. I hate being such a hypocrite.

我痛恨自己经常改变事实的样子，也痛恨人们对我做同样的事。我痛恨自己变成了一个伪君子。

It seeps into your life. You start telling lies where you shouldn't. Start preparing responses made to change severities and priorities whilst telling the truth, just because your instinct says you should. It sucks so much and it's so hard to get rid of....

它会深入到你的生活中。你会在不该撒谎的地方开始撒谎。开始在说真话的同时准备一些回应，来改变优先级和重要性，只是因为你的本能告诉你应该这么做。这真的太糟糕了，并且很难戒除……

rezkid94
I get so anxious any time my in-laws give me anything. Especially since they’re pretty well off. Or letting us borrow money for an unexpected vet er bill. Money was always used against me. I’m extremely defensive and would rather cut off my left ear then put myself in the situation I had with my parents. It’s getting better over the years but still is really challenging for me

每次我的岳父岳母送我东西的时候我都特别焦虑。尤其是他们的日子本来过得就挺好。或者在突然遇到要看兽医或者要付账单的情况时，让我们管他们借钱。在以前，钱总是用来跟我对着干的。我非常警惕，并且宁愿把自己的左耳朵割下去，也不愿意把自己放在不得不与父母打交道的情况中。最近几年情况越来越好了，但是对我来说仍然有很大的挑战性。

Shopping_Acrobatic
They are always trying to figure out what they did wrong and what they’re supposed to be doing and how, while editing their own thoughts and feeling vaguely bad.

他们总是在试着找出自己哪里做错了，自己本来应该作什么，应该怎么做，然后改变自己的想法，并且不知为何觉得很糟糕。

Playful-Base-6082
I always felt like every little mistake was my fault and I should apologize for being such a bad person. I wasn't a bad person, I was just a child being a child.

我总是觉得每一个细小的失误都是我自己的问题，我应该因为自己这么烂而道歉。我不是个烂人，我只是个孩子。

Zanki
Make a mistake around my mum, in public it was the look, even my teachers saw the look and knew. She freaking knew and did nothing when I cowered. Over something small and stupid. At home it was full on hitting, screaming, getting in my face, destroying things.

在妈妈身边犯了个小错误，在别人面前她会给我那种脸色，就算是老师都能看出来的那种脸色。她知道这件事，但是在我害怕的时候她什么都不会做。只是一些无关紧要而愚蠢的事。但是到家之后，就是体罚，喊叫，当面质问，砸东西。

To my mum, I'm this awful person who doesn't deserve to be treated nicely. Everything bad I did, accident or not, was just to hurt her. Get sick, doing it to hurt her, forget something, I 100% did it on purpose to hurt her. It would end in her hitting, screaming, got pinned to a wall and screamed in my face quite a few times, thrown out. All over insignificant things. I was a normal kid, I pushed normal boundaries, I never did anything truly horrible, just typical kid stuff. Nope, I was the worst child to ever exist. Even as an adult, mum didn't stop thinking of me like that. She'd still attempt to hit me. Unfortunately for her I was faster and got out of the way. Its freaking awful knowing your on edge all the time waiting to be hit even years after you escape the abuse, and you can still dodge without conscious thought. She would still scream at me like I'm a bad child needing severe discipline.

对我妈来说，我就是这么一个不值得被善待的烂人。我做的一切坏事，不论是不是碰巧，都只是为了伤害她。生病了，是为了伤害她。忘了什么事情，百分百是故意为了伤害她。结局一定会是她打我，骂我，把我逼到墙上冲着我的脸对我大喊大叫，甚至有时会把我赶出家门。都是因为一些不重要的事情。我只是个普通的孩子，我犯的都是普通的错误，我从来没做过什么真的可怕的事情，只是典型的熊孩子会干出来的事。不，在她眼里我是世界上最糟糕的孩子。就算成年之后，妈妈仍然会继续这么想。她仍然想要打我。不幸的是我动作更快了，也就能躲开了。就算是你逃离了虐待已经有好几年，你仍然在为挨打而担惊受怕，并且仍然能下意识地躲开她打你的动作，意识到这一点之后真的非常糟糕。她仍然会对我大喊大叫，好像我是个缺乏管教的坏孩子一样。

I still feel like I'm a bad person. That mum would have loved me if I'd just been different, better. That feeling will never go away even though I know its not true. I was just a kid, reacting to a crappy situation. She got off easy when I got older. She made out I was the worst kid/teen ever, I wasn't. I know I wasn't.

我仍然觉得自己是个坏人。如果我不一样的话，如果我更好的话，妈妈就会爱我了。尽管我知道这不是真的，但这种感觉也永远都不会消失。我只是个孩子，一个对糟糕的状况做出了应对的孩子。在我长大之后她没受到任何惩罚。她觉得我就是全世界最糟糕的孩子，但我不是。我知道我不是。

Tiny_Teach_5466
That hit deep. Never met my real dad but my stepdad was a real piece of shit. Never let me forget that I was the literal red headed stepchild. Once puberty hit it got worse. He never missed an opportunity to make fun of my appearance, the way I walked, etc.

我也中枪了。我没见过生父，但是我的继父真的是个垃圾。从来都不会让我忘记我是那个没人要的继女。青春期来了之后就更糟糕了。他从不会错过取笑我的长相，我走路的方式等等。

The first time my best friend came over, the very first words out of his mouth were:"She's a real disappointment."

我最好的朋友第一次来我家的时候，他嘴里冒出来的第一句话就是：“她是真的让人失望。”

Add that to the normal trauma of making it to adulthood, it's a miracle that I haven't jumped in front of a bus. I still think about it on the reg, though.

把这个与成长时都会遇到的创伤加在一起，我没跑到公交车前面自尽简直是个奇迹。但我现在偶尔仍然会回忆起这件事。

FetishAnalyst
Why is nobody mentioning the silent foot steps?

为什么没人提起安静的脚步声？

When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.

如果你的父母会因为你的存在而对你大喊大叫，那么你就会掌握尽可能地隐藏自己存在的能力，并且你永远都会试着把自己的噪音和可见度压到最低点。

PompeyLulu
Plus the ability to tell who’s coming and how much trouble you’re in by the way their footsteps sound

还有能通过脚步声来判断是谁来了、你要面临多大麻烦的能力。

Shyfiver
How fast and which car pulled in. The way the door slams or the keys are placed. How they exhaled. The pace of they're footsteps. All clues to how small and out of the way is needed in order to survive.

哪辆车开回来了，开得多快，门是怎么关上的，钥匙是怎么放的，他是怎么呼气的，脚步听起来是怎样的。一切线索都指向你想要生存应该做出怎样的应对。

FaZe-XD-Bruh
I only ever have one of my headphones over my ear ay a time because of this. never even concious of it, sometimes Ill be doing my thing and just realize im only hearing anything from one side

我有一阵子甚至耳机只会戴一边，就是因为这个。甚至自己都意识不到，有时我会忙着做自己的事情，然后突然发现我只能听见一边的声音。

welcometodiddleland
Oh yes. I startle people all the time because they don't hear me coming up. I make zero noise when walking.

哦对。我总是会吓到别人，因为他们听不见我走过去的声音。我走路的时候不会发出任何响声。

Sometimes I try to do a throat clear or something but I'll start thinking too hard about it and get all nervous and suddenly "AH!" lol oops

有时我会想清清嗓子，但是我会开始过度考虑这件事，变得特别紧张，然后突然“啊！”一声哈哈哈哈

AJmermaid
Not being able to remember the majority of their childhood. I’m talking about huge gaps of time you just cannot recall. I get it. Repressing the memories is just the mind trying it’s best to protect itself.

没办法回忆自己的大部分童年。有巨大的一段时间，你根本没有办法回忆。我很理解。遏制记忆只不过是你的灵魂保护自己的最好方式。

sthNexttoNormal
I have very good memory for work stuff, working my ass off, trying to be "useful" all the time and being anxious about not being useful. And remember just random scraps from childhood. Very bad long term memory. I only remember some minor scenes from like 3-4 year blocks, but not much.

我工作方面的技艺非常优秀，我会拼命工作，尝试让自己变得“有用”，一旦觉得自己没用就会很焦虑。我只能想起童年的随机的片段。我的长期记忆很糟糕。3-4年的时间段里我也只能想起一些微不足道的场景，不太多。

martybd
Yeah... it's startling hearing my older sister talk about her elementary school years, she remembers so much! I have specific memories, but there's a lot I forgot or have a hard time recalling. My mom was asking me questions about my elementary years a week ago and I could feel myself tearing up because I just couldn't remember. I wasn't bullied, but I felt anxious and uncomfortable all the time in school.

没错……听着我的姐姐说自己小学时的经历的时候我真的很吃惊，她怎么记得那么多！我有一些特别的记忆，但很多我都忘记了，或者很难想起来。我妈妈上周还问我小学时的事情，我感觉自己眼泪都要下来了，因为我想不起来。我没有受别人欺负，但是上学的时候我一直都觉得很焦虑，也很不自在。

WyvernChaser
Doesn't talk about their interests because parents have never showed interest/ belittled them

不会谈起自己的兴趣爱好，因为家长从来都不对你的爱好感兴趣，或者轻视它们。

OnyxArcana
Whoa... yeah, I guess I'm just realizing this. My step-dad would constantly make fun of anything I liked (e.g. music, movies, even the type of orange juice I preferred). Now, I don't mention my interests to people because I'm afraid of being embarrassed.

哇……太对了，我可能刚刚才意识到。我继父会经常取笑我喜欢的一切东西（比如音乐，电影，甚至是我喜欢的橙汁）。现在我不会对别人说我的爱好，因为我害怕感到尴尬。

Hiding_In_YourBushes
Another take on this, it stunted our social growth. Due to my parents never caring about what I was interested in after giving up on me being the sports kid, I now carry a type of vibe that makes it easy for people to talk over me when I'm mid sentence and alot not even realize it.

还有一个角度，就是它会阻碍我们的社交能力的成长。因为我的父母在放弃让我擅长运动之后就从来都不在乎我喜欢什么，我现在自带一种说话说到一半就可以让别人随便打断，而且很多人甚至都意识不到这一点的气氛。

I genuinely cannot hold a conversation like a normal person because I never had casual talks with my parents to learn any of that. I never had casual talks with friends since what I learned from my parents was that people only speak to me when they want something or need help. (Online is a godsend tho since I don't have to look at people or I can take my time to respond)

我没办法像正常人一样和别人对话，因为我从来没和父母像这样轻松地对话过。我从来没和朋友们轻松地对话过，因为我从父母那里学到的就是，人们只会在想要什么东西或者需要帮助的时候才会找我说话。（在线聊天简直是上帝的礼物，因为我不用看别人的脸色，也可以想好该怎么回应）

Now let's talk about people needing help, 98% of the time I'll help someone if they need it. Mainly out of fear said person will get mad and yell at me, so now I can't even tell of I'm a selfish person or a good person and I struggle everyday with that.

再说说那些需要帮助的人，98%的情况下我都会去帮助那些需要帮助的人。但是主要出于恐惧，那个人会很生气，对我大喊大叫，所以我也搞不懂自己到底是个自私的人还是个好人，每天我都会对此感到焦虑。

TL:DR parents should care about their child's interests and talk to them like they're people too, if not they'll more than likely go down the same chain I did and have to learn socializing at 26 and onward.

太长不看：家长们应该在乎孩子的兴趣，和他们聊天，把他们当成人，如果不这样做的话他们很可能也会经历和我一样的事情，得在26岁之后再学着怎么和别人社交。

ayuxx
This is how it was for me. My parents mostly didn't respond to me or anything about me. Good grade? Nothing. Bad grade? Nothing. Hey, I did this drawing! Nothing. I'm sick. Nothing. It's important to be socialized properly as a kid, and that starts really young between parent(s) and child. Unfortunately, I was considered a weird kid when I started going to school, so I didn't get much in the way of socialization there either. Now I'm stuck trying to learn how to be a proper human in my 30s. It's pathetic, and no one has the patience to help me learn that in real life scenarios. Feels like I'm always going to be stunted like this.

我以前就是这样的。我的父母基本上不会对我或者关于我的任何事情做出回应。成绩好？不管。成绩差？不管。嘿，我画了这幅画！不管。我生病了。不管。在孩提时代妥善地与别人社交是很重要的一件事，而这件事在很早的时候就会在父母与孩子之间开始。不幸的是，我上学之后被别人认为是个乖孩子，所以我在学校也没有得到多少社交。现在我已经三十多岁了，还在试着学习怎样当一个正常的人类。这很可悲，并且没有人有这份耐心，帮助我在真实生活的情况中学习。感觉我可能这辈子都要卡在这儿了。

remymartinia
Your comment about being sick and no reaction. I got so sick one time with a cold that I ended up at age 13 in the hospital for over a week with pneumonia. My mother only decided to take me to an urgent care when I started hallucinating: I thought the reason I was sick was there was something in my hair. Turned out that I was sweating so much from fever and tossing and turning in bed that my hair had matted itself into a knot on the back of my head. The dog wouldn’t leave my side during all this and would whine when someone approached me.

说到你关于生病、没有回应的回帖，我曾经得了一次感冒，最终因为肺炎，13岁那年在医院住了一个月。我妈妈等到我开始产生幻觉的时候才决定带我去急诊——我以为我难受是因为头发里有东西。结果是我因为发烧出了太多汗，在床上翻来覆去，最终头发在我的后脑勺打了一个结。我家狗一直都不会离开我，有人靠近的时候它就会发出哀鸣。

As someone with kids, I’ve had to unlearn the impulse to ignore their illnesses. Honestly, I’ve had two situations where I should have taken them earlier.

现在作为一个有孩子的人，我仍然得克服忽略他们的疾病的冲动。说真的，有两次我应该早点带他们去看医生。

I still will never be able to hold my side of an interesting conversation. I can’t tell a story longer than a few sentences: I start to panic if someone is actually listening to me. I want to press the Esc key to get out of it.

我仍然永远也没有能力自己发起一段有趣的对话。我不能讲超过几句话的故事，我害怕对方是不是真的在听我说话。我想按ESC键赶紧退出去。

bozimthecalm
They don't form attachments to others. They grew up in an environment where such attachments were a negative and or resulted in negative outcomes.

他们不会和别人形成羁绊。他们生长的环境让羁绊成为一种负面的东西，或者会导致负面的结果。

Pencilowner
Narcissistic parents are the worst. You can’t beat them so you stop playing the game 20 years goes by with you wondering why you are alone. Then a therapist points out to you they have been shaping your relationships the whole time by shutting down your ability to value them.

自恋的家长是最糟糕的。你不可能打赢他们，所以你只能放弃，但是20年过去了，你还是搞不明白为什么你这么孤独。然后你的心理治疗师告诉你，他们一直在通过阻止你形成衡量这些关系的价值的能力的方式，来操纵你的情感关系。

NerdCrush
Dude. My therapist asked me why I felt like no one ever actually loved me (despite being a few long term relationships over the last 20 years)

太对了。我的心理治疗师问我为什么我觉得根本没有人爱过我（尽管在过去的20年时间里我曾经有过几次长期的关系）

I said I really couldn't pick out a boyfriend that ever made me feel that way. She said, "Anyone else?"

我说我这呢找不到一个能让我感觉被爱的男朋友。她说，“那别人呢？”

And that's when I realized that my parents suck.

这时我才意识到我的父母真的很糟糕。

Crepti
See, this is where I struggle. I can have these realisations about myself, but nothing seems to change afterwards. It's just a logical "oh, yeah, this is why you're like this". But the underlying subconscious thoughts and actions don't change.

你看，我就是在这里遇到困难了。我自己也能意识到这一点，但是意识到了也没什么变化。只不过是逻辑上的“哦对，所以你会变成这样。”但是背后的下意识的思维和行动是不会变的。

Fuzzy-Tutor6168
because intellectually grasping "why" a behavior exists and integrating how to change it are two very different things. Essentially the only strategy that actually works for changing the behavior is acknowledging that your coping mechanisms kept you alive- and that they are also hindering you from adapting to a change in your environment. Essentially instead of fighting "socially unacceptable coping mechanism x", you have to embrace thanking the immediatr coping mechanism and then following that with a new strategy to manage whatever new problem that has arose.

因为从理智上抓住一种行为“为什么”存在的原因，和思考如何去改变这种行为，是两件完全不同的事情。本质上来说，唯一能够真的让你改变你的行为的方法，就是承认你的这些应付的方式确实在帮助你活着——但是它们同时也会阻挡你在你的环境中做出改变。所以你不应该与“社会上不被认可的应付方式X”作斗争，而是应该感谢这种应付的暗示，然后想出一种新的方法来应对产生的新问题。

Eiksoor
It is also quite common for kids of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic tendencies. I’m for one dealing with this issue, I do however believe I can chance away from this habit

而且自恋的家长教育的孩子也经常会出现自恋的问题。我自己就在应付这种问题，但是我相信我可以摆脱这种习惯。

Diedakt
This is very true. My ex believed that when I cried I did it to hurt her. She thought everyone just cried on purpose, to hurt others. Everything was a game of blame, making sure you covered your own ass. Never realizing that their words affect others - "it's your choice to get upset", thus rendering any nasty of mean thing said or done null.

这非常真实。我前任就是这么想的，她觉得我哭的时候是故意哭的，是为了伤害她。她觉得所有人都是故意哭给别人看的。一切都是互相指责的比赛，你一定要不让自己被指责。从来也不会意识到他们的话语会影响到别人，“你生气是你自己选的”，这样他们说的或做的任何坏事就都洗白了。

GeebusNZ
They're a desperate people-pleaser. Someone who'll leap to the aid of anyone, who'll give up anything they have so that someone else doesn't miss out, who will go well out of their way to be of assistance, and who abhors needing ANY help themselves.

他们绝望地想要讨好别人。有些人无论谁需要帮助都会立刻跑过去，会放弃自己的一切好让别人不落后，会放下自己要做的是去帮助别人，并且会因为自己需要任何帮助而感到憎恶。

NoOcelot1529
This is deeply me. I genuinely hate myself even though everything is fine and I'm generally successful and have friends. I never learned how to love ones self or be happy.

这就是我了。我就是很讨厌我自己，尽管一切都还不错，我总地来说也挺成功，也有朋友。我从来都不知道该怎么爱我自己，或者该怎么感到开心。

ToilAndTummyTrouble
People who try way too hard to please, and are terrified to put themselves first. This is the saddest trait because it’s the easiest for fresh predators to take advantage of when the parents are out of the picture.

那些为了讨好别人而用力过猛的人，以及害怕把自己放在第一位的人。这是最让人难过的特质，因为当父母不在他们身边的时候，他们是最容易受欺负的。

If only terrible parents knew or cared that they were grooming their kids for future abuse.

要是那些糟糕的家长知道，自己养大的孩子会在未来受到不公平的对待就好了。

Edit: Putting yourself first in this context does not mean being selfish or narcissistic. It means having the capacity to set healthy boundaries. It means understanding that your opinions have merit, that your emotions matter, that you should have complete bodily autonomy, and that you shouldn’t fear the wrath of Zeus if you say no. Also, it means that you should never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with to “earn” someone’s love.

编辑：把你放在第一位，在这个语境里并不意味着自私或者自恋。它的意思是有能力设定健康的边界。意味着你应该知道自己的意见也很重要，你的情感是重要的，你应该对自己的身体有完全的自治权，并且就算你说不，也不至于面对雷霆万钧的愤怒。还有，这意味着你不应该为了“赢得”某人的爱而去做一些你觉得不舒服的事情。

Oddant1
They're completely unwilling to open up and share anything because in their experience it will always be used against them.

他们特别不愿意打开心扉分享自己的事情，因为在他们的经验里，这永远会被用来跟他们作对。

RaptureInRed
Control freak. They grew up in chaos (alcoholism, gambling, foreclosure), and are obsessed with averting some unforeseen disaster.

控制狂。他们生活在混乱之中（酗酒，赌博，丧失抵押品赎回权），并且偏执地想要避免一些未曾预料的灾难。

chth
The direct inverse of this too, giving up control too easily and thinking you are powerless to life always being shitty.

以及与此完全相反的一面，太容易放弃控制，觉得你对于这个永远草蛋的人生毫无控制权。

Scroll_Queeen
This is me 100% and I used to view it as s bad thing. I obsess over plans and predictability and love the routines of every day. I know it can be exhausting at times but the times I hear my kids say things and feeling comfort about their routine like ‘on saturdays we have dancing’ with the confidence of knowing they can rely on it makes me so happy.

这100%是我，我以前觉得这是一件不好的事情。我会偏执于计划和可预测性，我喜欢每天规律的生活。我知道有时候这会非常令人疲倦，但是当我每次听见自己的孩子提起这些，并且对“周六我们会去跳舞”这些规律觉得很舒服，而且很自信，因为知道他们能够依靠这一点的时候，我会觉得非常开心。

The day I heard my 4 year old daughter tell someone “if my mommy says she will, then she will’ about an activity was one of the best days of my life. Knowing they rely on me and they trust me; I’m so grateful I have given them something I never had.

有一天我听见四岁的女儿跟别人提起一件事的时候说，“如果我妈妈说她能，那她肯定能”，那是我这辈子最开心的一天。我知道他们依赖于我，并且相信我；我很感激自己能够给他们提供一些我从未拥有过的东西。

Auferstehen78
That is awesome with your kids.

你的孩子能享受到这些真的太棒了。

I grew up in a home where parents constantly promised one thing and did another. After they divorced a few years after Mom moved to another state and I didn't want to go with her because I would go from a large highschool to a tiny school.

我长大的时候，父母总是承诺一件事却做了另一件事。在他们离婚几年之后，妈妈搬到了另一个州，我不想跟她一起走，因为那样的话我就得放弃一个大的高中，去上一个小的高中了。

She would constantly promise to drive the 3 hours to see me. She never did. I would stand at the window for hours.

她经常跟我保证要开三个小时的车来看我。但是她从没这么做过。我会在窗边等她好几个小时。

EdwardAlphonse31011
A lack of self esteem. Shows up in so many different ways.

缺乏自尊。在很多不同的方面都有展现。

My SO basically told me that I make her worry because I don't boss her around, which leaves her always wondering if I'm disappointed in her or if I feel she's not being a good girlfriend. If I boss her around and she follows my commands then she knows she's done what she's been told and has nothing to worry about. This has become less of an issue over the years. I refuse to boss her around. I try to show appreciation instead and remind her that I love her, but she still worries she's not good enough sometimes and I hate that. I don't blame her, but I hate it more than anything. I feel she's never been good enough for her parents which has left her vulnerable to date guys who take advantage of that and also made her feel like she's not good enough.

我的另一半会跟我说我让她很担心，因为我不会对她颐指气使的，这让她经常觉得我是不是让她失望了，或者我觉得她不是好的女朋友。如果我对她颐指气使，而她听从了我的指令，那么她就知道她做了自己该做的事情，就没有什么值得担心的了。最近几年这不是什么问题了。因为我拒绝命令她做什么事情。我会试着向她表达欣赏，提醒她我爱她。我不怪她，但是我无比讨厌这一点。我觉得她应该是在父母的眼里一直都不够好，所以会有那些约她的男人占这方面的便宜，也会让她觉得自己不够好。

Edit: to all the people suggesting therapy. She would love to get legitimate therapy we just aren't financially in a place where that's affordable. She's in an online support group though. She says it really helps but she wishes she could do the real thing some day.

编辑：有很多人建议接受心理治疗。她很乐意接受心理治疗，但是我们的财政状况还不支持。她现在确实在一个线上的互帮互助团体里。她说这真的很有帮助，但是她也希望自己有一天能真的接受线下治疗。