你长久婚姻的秘密是什么？（二）

Rob Starlin, Married for over 30 years and raised 3 children.
After 34 very good years, with all the ups and downs of any life, I have a few thoughts.
The secret, I think, to a happy, successful marriage is to not do those things which will cause so much damage that they can never really heal. Exactly what those things are may vary somewhat from couple to couple, but there is a significant amount of overlap for most.
For most couples trust, and sexual fidelity are a requirement. My wife expects that I am exclusively hers sexually. For many people, exclusivity is a requirement to fully opening up emotionally. I’m not here to argue if that should be the case or if there are better alternatives, that’s a different conversation. And for those that do expect loyalty, once that trust is broken it can never be fully regained. There is an infinite difference between saying; “I am totally confident that my husband has never cheated on me” versus “My husband cheated, but I forgave him and put it behind me”. Can marriages recover from infidelity? Yes. But that doesn’t mean they are the same as before.

​在走过34个非常好的年头之后，伴随着人生的起伏，我有了一些想法。
我认为，幸福、成功的婚姻的秘诀是不要做那些会造成巨大伤害而永远无法治愈的事情。确切地说，这些东西可能因夫妇而异，但对大多数人来说，都是会经历的。
对大多数夫妇来说，信任和性忠诚是一项要求。我妻子希望我在性方面完全属于她。对许多人来说，排他性是情感的必要条件。我不是来争论应该是这样还是有更好的选择，那是另一个话题。而对于那些期待忠诚的人来说，一旦这种信任被打破，就永远无法完全恢复。“我完全相信我的丈夫从来没有欺骗过我”和“我的丈夫欺骗了我，但我原谅了他，把它抛诸脑后”之间有着巨大的区别。婚姻能从不忠中恢复信任吗？可以。但这并不意味着他们会恢复到以前一样。

The most common way that marriages are irreparably damaged is by one or both partners damaging it with words. All couples have disagreements. Some couples have arguments. And some people argue without regard to the consequences of their words. If you are married for any length of time, you know what hurts your spouse. And some people use that knowledge to twist the knife and be as cruel as they can. And those marriages fail.
Learning to argue without hurting is a key skill of marriage. Learning to disagree without arguing is an even better skill.
The final part of the trifecta of how to ruin a marriage is lack of respect. Love and respect are different but overlapping feelings. Some people (often men) need to feel respected, and some people (often women) need to feel loved. It’s not a hard and true gender difference (nothing is) but as a rule all people need some of both. In dysfunctional marriages a partner over time ends up losing respect for their spouse. Without respect the love for your partner as a peer sours, and at best is replaced by love as for a child, and at worst contempt.
So the three big ways to ruin a marriage are infidelity, fighting dirty, and disrespect.

婚姻受到无可挽回的损害最常见的方式是一方或双方用言语破坏婚姻。所有的夫妇都有分歧。有些夫妻会争吵。有些人争论的时候不考虑他们所说的话的后果。如果你结婚的时间很长，你知道什么会伤害你的配偶。有些人利用这些知识尽可能地残忍的打击对方。于是那些婚姻失败了。
学会争吵而不伤害他人是婚姻关系里面的一项关键技能。学会不争论地反对意见是一种更好的技巧。
如何毁掉婚姻这三个问题的最后一部分是缺乏尊重。爱和尊重是不同的，但都是感情。有些人（通常是男人）需要被尊重，有些人（通常是女人）需要被爱。这不是一个硬性的和真实的性别差异，但作为一个规则，所有人都需要两者兼而有之。在功能失调的婚姻中，随着时间的推移，伴侣最终会失去对配偶的尊重。没有尊重，你对伴侣的爱就像同龄人一样会变酸，充其量也会被对孩子的爱所取代，最糟糕的是被蔑视所取代。
因此，毁掉婚姻的三大因素是不忠、打架和不尊重。

The three main ways to maintain a strong marriage start with acceptance. Genuinely accepting a person for who and what they are. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, personality, sexually. One of the greatest joys of marriage is to have a person who truly knows you, understands your weaknesses and flaws, and loves you anyway. My wife and I are in no way identical people. But we are very compatible because we love each other as we are, and accept the flaws as part of the whole package.
The second part of a good marriage is sexual compatibility. That doesn’t mean identical desires, but enough overlap that there is a big comfy area in the middle you are both happy in. And by happy I mean truly fulfilled. Because long term sexual frustration will lead to all three of the ways of ruining a marriage I listed above. My wife and I treat our sex life as not just a way to meet each other’s needs, but as an opportunity to make each other feel loved and wanted and happy and desired.
And the third part of a good marriage is compatibility about everything else that is genuinely important. Money, having children, raising children, religion, career, politics, lifestyle. Those are all things that comprise people’s core values and goals. If one half of a couple has very strong opinions on one of them, and the other isn’t compatible with it, then that’s going to be a problem festering in the marriage their whole lives. That doesn’t mean you have to have identical views on all of them. If politics isn’t important to one or both, then that’s fine. But when you have fundamental disagreements that both parties can’t reconcile then there is a problem.
Every single happy marriage I’ve known has had those elements. And every single failed marriage I’ve known has had at least one if not all of the first thing items listed.

维持牢固婚姻的三个主要方法是从接受开始。真诚地接受一个人的真实身份。身体上，情感上，智力上，个性上，性方面。婚姻最大的乐趣之一就是拥有一个真正了解你你的弱点和缺点，并且爱你的人。我妻子和我决不是同一个人。但我们非常和谐，因为我们爱彼此，接受缺点，把缺点作为整体的一部分。
良好婚姻的第二个方面是性和谐。这并不意味着相同的愿望，但都有期望，在一个大的舒适区里面你们都很高兴。我所说的幸福是指真正的满足。因为长期的性挫折会导致以上三种方式的婚姻破裂。我和妻子把性生活不仅仅当作满足彼此需要的一种方式，而是一个让彼此感到被爱、被需要、幸福和被渴望的机会。
好的婚姻的第三个部分是对所有其他真正重要的事情的包容。金钱，生孩子，抚养孩子，宗教，事业，政治，生活方式。这些都是构成人们核心价值观和目标的东西。如果一对夫妇中的一半对其中一方有非常强烈的意见，而另一半却不认同，那么这将是一个在他们的婚姻生活中不断恶化的问题。这并不意味着你必须对所有这些问题都有相同的看法。如果政治对一方或双方都不重要，那也没关系。但是当你存在双方都无法调和的根本分歧时，那就有问题了。
我所知道的每一个幸福的婚姻都有这些因素。我所知道的每一段失败的婚姻，即使不是全部都存在，至少有一方面以上因素，。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Emme Mascari
Secrets of Marriage
There are a few secrets to a good marriage, one of which being “no secrets.“ Good healthy marriages consist of good strong communication, love and respect for each other‘s desires and for each other, and the simple understanding of how men and women work.
For women, understanding man is quite simple. Men are not complex creatures. They have a few simple traits that are almost universal among men, especially healthy men.
Men have a natural desire to conquer, to provide, to fight and defend, and to spread their seed. Some of these urges can be tamed, but never done away with. Men are visual creatures who will always appreciate beauty and should never be harangued for doing so. If you want to make a man happy, make him feel needed and wanted, compliment him in front of his friends and family and colleagues, don’t attempt to compete with him, and never under any circumstances insult him in front of his friends. Put out sexually for him on a regular basis whether you were “in the mood or not. Always be honest and never play mind games. Men understand direct communication, not “beating around the bush.“

婚姻的秘密
好的婚姻有几个秘密，其中之一就是“没有秘密”。健康的婚姻包括良好的沟通、爱和尊重对方的欲望和对对方的尊重，以及对男女工作方式的理解。
对女人来说，理解男人很简单。人不是复杂的生物。他们有一些简单的特点，这在男性中几乎是普遍的，尤其是健康男性。
人类天生就有征服、供给、战斗、保卫和传播自己的种子的欲望。其中有些冲动是可以抑制的，但永远不会消失。男人是视觉生物，他们总是欣赏美，永远不应该因为这样做而被训斥。如果你想让一个男人快乐，让他感到需要和被需要，在朋友、家人和同事面前赞美他，不要试图和他竞争，在任何情况下都不要在朋友面前侮辱他。无论你是否“有心情”，都要定期和他进行性行为。永远诚实，永远不要玩心理游戏。男人懂得直接沟通，而不是“绕圈子”

For women, they have a natural desire to be wanted, cherished, and they want security in the relationship. Not financial security as much as emotional security. They want to be made to feel lovely. Women value emotional contact more than physical. Letting your wife know that she’s beautiful, that you love her, and that you care for her goes a long way. Unlike men, women need to constantly be told that they are lovely and wanted. Women are better at multitasking and they are better at building a home. They have a tendency to nest, especially when they have children. This is completely natural. To make your wife happy, show interest in her and her activities and give her the leeway and space to manage the home.
For both, maintain your own space and hobbies, but find activities that you share in common. Show at least some interest in the others hobbies but she don’t have to engage in those hobbies with each other. Be there for each other, be direct and what you want and don’t want, work on your religious relationships first and foremost, followed by your relationships with each other. Once you have kids, it’s easy to have them get in your way but you did not marry your kids, you married each other not your offspring and make sure you work on that relationship always and forever.
Put your spouses above and ahead of your parents and in-laws. Never air your dirty laundry to family members or friends. If you must take exception to your spouse, find a counselor or pastor that doesn’t have a close relationship with you.
If you follow this, and your spouse even somewhat follows, you will have a much happier and healthier relationship than the overwhelming majority of those who don’t.

对女性来说，她们有一种被需要、被珍视的自然欲望，她们希望在这段关系中有安全感。经济安全不如情感安全。他们想让自己感觉可爱。女性更重视情感接触而不是身体接触。让你的妻子知道她很漂亮，你爱她，你关心她会有很大的帮助。与男人不同，女人需要不断地被告知她们是可爱的，是被需要的。女人更擅长一心多用，她们更擅长建立家庭。它们有筑巢的倾向，尤其是有孩子的时候，这是完全自然的。为了让你的妻子快乐，对她和她的活动表现出兴趣，给她管理家的余地和空间。
对于两人关系来说，保持你自己的空间和爱好，但得有你和她共同的活动。至少对其他爱好表现出一些兴趣，但她不必和其他人一起从事这些爱好。为对方着想，直截了当地说出你想要什么和不想要什么，首先要处理好你的宗教关系，其次是你与对方的关系。一旦你有了孩子，很容易让他们妨碍你，但你不是娶你的孩子，你只与她结婚，而不是你的后代，要确保你们这个关系直到永远。
你的配偶在你心里的位置要放在父母和姻亲之上。如果你必须对你的配偶提出异议，找一个和你关系不密切的顾问或牧师倾诉吧。
如果你遵循这一点，你的配偶甚至也遵循这一点，你们之间将有其他绝大多数人都没有的幸福和健康的关系。

Anonymous
I am boy from rural village of india. During my childhood, my father and mother struggled to meet ends. As child I saw my mother used walk 2 kms to get water from pond. No electricity. At 17.30 hrs, kerosene lamps were light. Many of houses we stayed were literally clay huts with leaves as roof. During rainy season, we used to keep small vessels to keep collecting rain water & later throw them. There were many instances where such houses collapsed due to heavy rains but by God’s grace we survived. Snakes used to be our friends during rainy season.
But I saw how my mother & father loved each other and can sacrifice to any extent either for each other or for upbringing of me. Together they nourished me with love and values. Those memories afresh even now in my mind.

我是来自印度乡村的男孩。在我的童年时期，我的父亲和母亲为收支平衡而奋斗。小时候，我看到我妈妈经常步行2公里从池塘里取水。因没有电，每天17时30分，亮起煤油灯。我们住的许多房子都是用树叶做屋顶的泥屋。在雨季，我们经常用小容器收集雨水，然后再把它们扔出去。有很多这样的房子因为大雨而倒塌，但在上帝的恩典下我们活了下来。在雨季，蛇曾经是我们的朋友。
但我看到了我的父母是多么的爱着对方，他们可以为彼此或为我的成长做出任何牺牲。他们一起用爱和价值观滋养我。至今那些记忆在我脑海中重新浮现。

By Gods grace, as i grew, situation at home improved & we relocated to small town. I got admission into Government Engineering college through entrance, completed B.Tech without much financial burden. Again by Gods grace, through entrance I got into IIT & completed Masters. Then got Job in Mumbai. But after seeing my mother & father love towards each other, I was never interested in to get into relationships with girls. I maintained my sacred boundaries always.
Those were times when IT/Software was picking up & every one was just entering into it and wanted to become NRI. When I decided to get married, proposals started coming for arranged marriage. I met many girls during the meeting and discussed with them about my thinking on life, values and commitments etc. Many girls preferred software guys or guys who want to settle in US.

上帝保佑，随着我的成长，家里的情况有所改善，我们搬到了一个小镇上。我通过入学考试考上了政府工程学院，完成了理工学士学位，没有太多的经济负担。再次感谢上帝的恩典，我进入了IIT和完成了学位。后来在孟买找到了工作。但在看到我的父母彼此相爱之后，我也没有兴趣和女孩子交往。我一直保持着神圣的界限。
那是IT/软件兴起的时代，每个人都刚刚进入IT行业，都想成为NRI。当我决定结婚时，关于包办婚姻的建议就开始出现了。我遇到了很多女孩，和她们讨论了我的人生观、价值观和承诺等，很多女孩更喜欢软件男或者想定居美国的男孩。

On one such meeting I met one girl who completed MBA and working in Chennai. While my family & her family were chit chatting in hall, myself and girl went to other room for having discussion. I briefly told about my life, values, dreams, limitations and ambitions etc. Same enquired from her. Till the point everything was OK. Then I told her that I have just Rs 50,000 with me, neither me nor my parents have any property or wealth. Except qualifications, i literally don’t have anything, still will you be interested to share your life with me? I was just holding my breath & looking into her eyes straight. Till the time, both our conversations were with little humour and smiling face. She just looked into my eyes,, took a minute, told me it doesn’t matter to her. She values ethics and companionship in the life & rest all can be earned. She told me that together we can build the nest. Thats it, we were engaged on 14th Feb, Valentines day & we said goodbye to our batchlorhood on 31st March.
She is extrovert & I am introvert. She can get connected to any one instantly if she wishes but i will think hundred times about shaking hand with unknown. She is from metro city & I village boy. She talks talks…. but I listen listen……. so we are totally opposite pairs but that never was a road breaker in our relationship. We have seen many storms and cyclones in our life, but our bond was so strong, we stood together like wall but they could not do any harm & they simply vanished.

在一次相亲时，我遇到了一个女孩，她完成了工商管理硕士学位，在金奈工作。当我的家人和她的家人在大厅闲聊时，我和女孩去了另一个房间讨论。我简短地讲述了我的生活、价值观、梦想、局限和抱负等，她也问了我同样的问题。直到最后一切都谈好了。我告诉她，我只有50000卢比，我和我的父母都没有任何财产或财富。除了资历，我简直什么都没有，你还会有兴趣和我分享你的生活吗？我只是屏住呼吸，直视着她的眼睛。直到那时，我们俩的谈话都没有什么幽默感和笑脸。她只是看着我的眼睛，花了一分钟，告诉我这对她来说无关紧要。她重视生活中的道德和友谊，其他一切都是可以被创造的。她告诉我我们可以一起结婚。就这样，我们在2月14日情人节订婚了，3月31日我们告别了单身。
她性格外向，我性格内向。如果她愿意的话，她可以立刻和任何人联系，但我会想上百次在未知的人握手之前。她来自大都会，我是一个乡村男孩。她说什么时候我只有听的份。所以我们是完全相反的一对，但这从来不是我们关系的一个障碍。在我们的生活中，我们经历过许多风暴和旋风，但我们的纽带是如此牢固，我们的关系像墙一样牢固，但那些不愉快经历不会造成任何伤害，它们只是消失了。

We know each other strengths & weaknesses. Individually we distributed our works where we are strong. In this way, we could get benefit of each of our strengths. We supported each other where we are weak. We have love, respect,commitment for each other. Any decision we discuss together, some times good ideas comes from any of us. We worked like team mates throughout life so far. Like how we nurture a garden, we nurtured physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual companionship with each other. We don’t hide anything each other however little may be, we are fiercely loyal to each other, can’t see pain of other. She has so many friends on Whatsapp, if she suspects even if some one is crossing limit, immediately she will block them. If any one was wrong, we express say sorry. Some times we quarrel but i could see how romantic when my wife is fuming! But these are like bubbles in tea cup which will enhance our bonding. We never force our opinions on each other, any decision is mutual unbiased without ego and based on cost benefit analysis or emotional benefit.
Once she was not in mood. I irritated her further more. She blasted “you dont understand some times, you are a villager”. She noded her head with irritation and left. Couple of days later, I heard a screaming voice at 150 DB sound from kitchen. Voice was hers. I just rushed there. She hugged me & showed. There was a big Lizard. I laughed and asked whether it is still alive or dead? She asked why? After listening to your shout, did that poor chap heart is still functioning? She fumed again. I shoved away the Lizard to utility room. Then I said, you need a villager, hope now you understood. God is all mercyfull. She smiled with love.

我们知道彼此的长处和短处。我们把自己的作品单独分发到自己力所能及的地方。这样，我们就能从各自的优势中获益。我们在软弱的地方互相支持。我们彼此有爱，尊重，承诺。我们一起讨论任何决定，有时都会有好的想法。到目前为止，我们一直像队友一样工作。就像我们如何培育一个花园，我们培育了身体，情感，智力和精神上的友谊。我们不隐藏任何东西，无论多么渺小，我们都对彼此忠心耿耿，看不到对方的痛苦。她在Whatsapp上有很多朋友，如果她怀疑有人有越界的想法，她也会立刻阻止他们。如果有人错了，我们表示歉意。有时我们吵架，但我能看出当我妻子生气的时候也是多么浪漫！但这些就像茶杯里的泡泡，会增强我们的联系。我们从不把自己的观点强加给对方，任何决定都是基于成本效益或情感效益分析的，而且自我偏见的。
有一次她心情不好。我惹她生气了。她怒斥道：“有时候你不明白，你是个村民。”。她恼怒地点点头就走了。几天后，我听到厨房里她发出150分贝的尖叫声。我立马冲过去了，她抱着我，让我看一只大蜥蜴。我笑着问它是活的还是死的？她问为什么？听了你的喊声，那可怜的家伙的心脏还在运转吗？她又生气了。我把蜥蜴推到杂物间。然后我说，你需要一个村民来照顾你，希望现在你明白了。她于是带着爱的微笑。

Before starting of family, we mutually decided that she will become home maker & accordingly after our sons birth, she left job and fully concentrated on family. My father and mother stays with us. Due to professional commitments I used to go for official trips, changed jobs in Maharashtra, Gujarat & AP, but we are always at one place as a family including my parents. She does multi tasking. She works with our son as a team and instilled values in him, he came out from school with flying colours. The school appreciated her efforts in annual day as most dedicated parent. She has many of Doctors on Whatsapp because my parents now and often fall sick, she used to take them to hospital. So many Docs have become her friends. As I used to go out of town or leave for work 8 am and used return at 9 pm.
Many times it happens that she listen to songs with earphones and humming in a low voice. Just seeing her happily makes my all senses happy & bliss. Some times we dont speak much even though both of us at home. She comes to me for something just sees into my eyes & say some thing, I just hold her hand in my palm with a little pinch of love, her eyes glows, with a blush she stares at me. It sends shivers and thrills across body for us. We dont get proper sleep. Infact except for delivery, we never stayed apart.

在我们结婚之前，我们共同决定她成为家庭主妇，因此，在我们的儿子出生后，她放弃了工作，全神贯注于照顾家庭。我爸爸妈妈和我们住在一起。由于职业上的责任，我过去经常去马哈拉施特拉邦、古吉拉特邦和美联社出差、换工作，但我们家庭，包括我的父母，我们总是在一个地方。她承担多项任务。她和我们的儿子一起工作，把价值观灌输给他，他从学校毕业时表现出色。学校感谢她作为最敬业的家长在每年的每一天里所做的努力。她在Whatsapp上有很多医生联系方式，因为我的父母现在经常生病，她过去经常带他们去医院。许多医生成了她的朋友。这是因为我过去常常在早上8点出门或去上班，晚上9点回来。
很多时候，她都会戴着耳机，低声哼着歌。只要看到她高兴，我所有的感官都会感到高兴和幸福。有时即使我们都在家，我们不怎么说话。她来找我时，可以看穿我的眼睛，说了些什么，我把她的手握在我的手心里，她的眼睛闪闪发光，带着红晕盯着我。这让我们全身发抖。我们睡眠不好。事实上，除了分娩，我们从未分开过。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

But at the end of eighteenth year of our marriage, God proposed we be stay separate for a brief period. As our son was in 10 th standard, family had to stay and I had to leave for my new job alone to Gujarat for about an year. We struggled a lot even though we had video calls, normal calls, texting etc. Believe me, I used to talk to her daily for 2 to 3 hrs in the night. Even a cocrooch or a lizard on the wall of my house used to be a topic for discussion. But thats how life was
We are like X ray machine to each other. I can just read what she is thinking or she has some problem by looking into her eyes or listening to her voice over the phone. Same case with her.

但在我们结婚的第十八年结束时，上帝提议我们暂时分开。由于我们的儿子在第10年级，家庭必须留下来，我不得不离开我的新工作独自到古吉拉特邦大约一年。尽管我们有通过视频通话、普通通话、发短信等，但我们还是很挣扎。相信我，我以前每天晚上都会和她聊2到3个小时。就连我家墙上的一只椰子或一只蜥蜴也曾是讨论的话题。但生活就是这样一回事。
我们彼此就像X光机。我可以通过看她的眼睛或者听她在电话里的声音来读出她在想什么或者她有什么问题。