QA问答：那些有过外遇的男人，在往后的生活中，是否后悔过没有离开你的妻子？
For men who have had an affair, did you ever regret not leaving your wife later in life?
译文简介
我离开了她，为了那个说“只想拥有我”的女人。
我十分后悔。损失远远超过了一时的“快乐”。
事实上，我自己如果愿意诚实的话，根本没有什么快乐。我和妻子在一起时从未感到过兴奋。后来，终于有了坠入爱河的感觉。那就像一场梦。
正文翻译
For men who have had an affair, did you ever regret not leaving your wife later in life?
那些有过外遇的男人，在往后的生活中，是否后悔过没有离开你的妻子？
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I left her for the woman who “just had to have me.”
I deeply regret it. The losses far outweighed any momentary “pleasure.”
In fact, to be brutally honest with myself, there was no pleasure. Just anxiety. Some excitement I’d never felt with my wife. The feeling of finally being in love. It was such a dream.
我离开了她，为了那个说“只想拥有我”的女人。
我十分后悔。损失远远超过了一时的“快乐”。
事实上，我自己如果愿意诚实的话，根本没有什么快乐。我和妻子在一起时从未感到过兴奋。后来，终于有了坠入爱河的感觉。那就像一场梦。
那个曾经和我维系过关系的女人，很难说是外遇，因为当时性并不是最重要的，一切都是为了情绪。结果，我发现她是一个隐蔽的智力自恋者。
我们结婚后，她很快就甩了我。被甩的痛苦是可怕的。与此同时，我的前妻找到了一个非常正派的男人，那个男人实际上是我的朋友，他的发妻去世了。他们婚后非常幸福。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Regrets! I want to write a book, “So, You Are Thinking of Having an Affair.” Any married man with a brain who has an affair will be able to reason through it and realize it is just a bad idea. There is no winning with an affair. Only regrets.
我，63岁，离婚了，负债累累，住在一所废弃的房子里。
后悔！我想写一本书，《所以，你在考虑外遇？》。任何有外遇的已婚有头脑的男人都能推理，并意识到这只是一个坏主意。婚外情是不可能获胜的。只有后悔。
Fairly common for people to want what they can't have.. until they have it.
人们总是想拥有他们不能拥有的东西，这很常见……直到他们拥有它。
Forgive yourself. You've already paid for it. I hope you find happiness again. Everyone deserves to be happy
原谅自己。你已经为此付出了代价。我希望你能再次找到幸福。每个人都应该幸福。
Why? He only feels sorry for himself. He can’t even spare a thought on what he’s done to his wife.
理由？他只是为自己感到难过。他甚至都没好好的思考过他对他的妻子做了什么。
You got all that from one answer? That's some talent you have.
你从这个答案中看到了这些？你居然有这样的天赋。
It’s all very clearly in the text. You can see for yourself, it certainly doesn’t take talent. Just a bit of comprehensive reading, you should try to master it.
他写得很清楚，你可以自己看，这不需要天赋。只要一点阅读理解能力，你就应该努力掌握它。
I read it and wouldn't presume to know everything from one answer
我读过了，我不会想当然的认为从一个答案中可以知道一切。
Even in the text, he says the pain of being discarded by his second wife was horrible… with no reflection about how his first wife must have felt when he did the same thing to her.
Maybe this answer doesn’t fully represent his thoughts and experiences, but based on this answer alone, he seems sorry that he got caught, not sorry for what he actually did.
在文本中，他表示了被第二任妻子抛弃的痛苦是可怕的……却从来没有想过，当他对他的第一任妻子做同样的事情的时候，她的感受。
也许这个答案并不能完全代表他的想法和经历，但仅凭这个答案，他似乎只是对自己尝到了苦果感到遗憾，而不是对自己实际做的事情感到抱歉。
Sure, he's talking about his own pain here. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about the pain he caused his wife. He's still hurting and she's happy with another man.
当然，他在这里谈论的是他自己的痛苦。这并不意味着他不在乎自己给妻子带来的痛苦。他还在受伤，而她和另一个男人在一起很开心。
But you have to admit my conclusions are logical.
但你必须承认我的结论是合乎逻辑的。
We don't know that his wife was devastated. It may be that the marriage wasn't happy for either of them and him leaving her was a relief which ultimately led to her finding a man who gave her what she needed. Either way of course he betrayed her. Even in an unhappy marriage an affair is an awful betrayal.
We don't know. That's why we fill in the blanks. I choose to fill them in with a very unhappy man who made a big mistake and is still paying the price. No matter his mistakes I think he deserves happiness. I think we all do. There are few things that are unforgivable where the person deserves to suffer forever. I don't believe this is one of them.
我们不知道他的妻子是否曾经悲痛欲绝过。也许在婚姻中，他们两人都不幸福，而他离开她是一种解脱，最终她找到了一个能给她所需的男人。
不管怎样，他当然背叛了她。即使在不幸的婚姻中，外遇也是一种可怕的背叛。
我们不清楚实际情况，所以我们自己填补了空白。我选择用一个非常不开心的人来填补空白，他犯了一个大错误，但仍在为此付出代价。
不管他犯了什么错误，我认为他都应该得到幸福。我想我们都是这样。很少有什么事情是不可原谅的，没有哪个人需要永远受苦。我不认为他需要永远受苦。
It remains telling that all he’s about is himself. There’s no hint of empathy. Who knows what the blanks entail. And I don’t think he should suffer forever. I do know that without introspection and acknowledging the consequences of your actions for others, then one is doomed to repeat the same mistakes out of selfishness.
To be clear, indeed it’s not as if he committed a horrible crime for which he should be damned to an eternity in hell or something. Far from it. He’s reaping what he’s sown, that’s more than enough. But I’m also not going to tell him he’s a pure innocent lamb.
他写的东西告诉我们，他只关心他自己。没有任何同情的必要。谁知道他没写的是什么内容。我认为他不应该永远受苦。我认为，如果不能反省并承认你的行为对他人的后果，那么，这个人注定会因为自私而重蹈覆辙。
需要明确的是，事实上，他犯下的罪行，还没有到需要诅咒他下地狱的地步。远远没达到这个程度。不过，他正在收获他播种的，这已经足够了。但我也不会告诉他，他是一只纯粹无辜的羔羊。
I didn't portray him as innocent. Nor did he portray himself as innocent. Wallowing in his regret serves no purpose for him or his ex wife. It's time to move on for him and find some peace and happiness. Life is too short for regret
我没有把他描绘成无辜的。他也没有把自己描绘成无辜的。让他一直沉迷在后悔中，对他和他的前妻都没有任何意义。是时候继续前进了，找到一些平静和幸福。人生苦短，不要一直后悔。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Your conclusions are entirely logical.
你的结论完全合乎逻辑。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Well, clearly his wife has moved on and found a better man.
很明显，他的妻子已经离开了，找到了一个更好的男人。
It’s a question about his feelings. It’s not a question about his ex’s feelings.
这是一个关于他的感受的问题，和他的前任当前的感受没有关系。
My reply pertained to the previous comment, not the original answer. It’s telling though he doesn’t feel bad about what he’s done to his wife.
我的回答与之前的评论有关，而不是最初的回答。他对自己对妻子所做的一切并不感到难过，这很能说明问题。
You might want to take your own advice and reread the question and the OP. The questioner wanted to know how men had an affair felt.
More importantly he not only acknowledges his regret he also that has found someone better.
我可能希望自己的答案被采纳，重读这个问题和主题。提问者想知道男人有外遇的感觉。
更重要的是，他不仅承认自己后悔了，而且前妻也找到了更好的人。
His regret only pertains to the fact his affair partner turned out to bring him misery and now he’s divorced, in debt and lives in a dump. Also telling is that he doesn’t mention feeling bad about what he’s done to his wife.
I suggest you read the text more carefully.
他的后悔，只是因为他被外遇对象甩了，为此感到痛苦，现在他离婚了，负债累累，生活在垃圾堆里。此外，他没有提及对妻子所做的一切感到难过。
我建议你仔细阅读文本。
Maybe you should be less judgmental and realize that his remorse in the comment was not overt but he clearly had thought about how he hurt his ex-wife which can be seen in his clear headed & understanding way of explaining his ex-wife’s new marriage.
也许你应该少评判，你需要意识到他并没有公开自己对前妻的自责，但他显然想过自己是如何伤害前妻的，这从他可以清醒的解释和理解前妻的再婚，可以看出来。
it’s ok. We don’t know the full story. He just shared a slice of his life and deserves some empathy.what if he held back what his wife did wrong ? Or maybe not , I’m which case
I’m Probably wrong
行吧，我们都不知道全部情况。他只是分享了自己生活的一部分，应该得到一些同情。如果他隐瞒了妻子的错误怎么办？当然也可能不是那种情况。
我可能错了。
I am glad that your ex found true love.
我很高兴你的前任找到了真爱。
That's a fairly brutal and unsympathetic comment to a guy pouring out his heart about a big mistake he made and living in misery now. Of course it's good that she's happy now, and it sounds like she was the innocent victim of his mistake - but for all you know, the answerer might have been more so her ‘true love’, if such a thing even exists.
这是一个相当残忍和无情的评论，针对一个对自己犯下的一个重大错误倾吐心声，现在生活在痛苦中的人。
当然，她现在很幸福是件好事，听起来她是他错误的无辜受害者。
但是如你所知，如果真爱真的存在，那么回答者可能更像是她的“真爱”。
What he has done to her was brutal and unsympathetic as well. And it was his decision. We are talking about adults who knows the consequences of their actions. I have 0 sympathy.
他对她的所作所为既残忍又无情。这是他自己做出的决定。我们谈论的是那些知道自己行为后果的成年人。我对这此没有半点同情。
I wish there were more replies like this because sometimes I do want to be in a relationship with another man, but it probably isn’t the best decision long term
我希望能有更多这样的回复，因为有时我确实想和另一个男人谈恋爱，但从长远来看，这可能不是最好的决定。
That depends almost entirely on your relationship with your current man.
这几乎完全取决于你和你现在的男人的关系。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Hard to get my head around that how one can have an ‘emotional affair’ with a cerebral narcissist! I mean someone gets you like no one else, empathic, kind and one gets emotionally hooked with that person - that I do get
Not a snide comment at all but a genuine attempt to understand.
我很难理解，一个人怎么会和一个智力自恋者发生“情感关系”！我的意思是，有些人会让你变得与众不同，富有同情心，善良，而有些人会让在情感上感觉着迷——这我都明白。
我不是想要发表刻薄的评论，只是想要尝试理解这件事情。
Narcissists are very good at making their targets feel loved, even if only temporarily. The love bombing can make you feel valued and cared for, and they can mask in such a way to make it seem as if you have so much in common that you’re soulmates. It’s all fake, designed to reel you in until your entire world revolves around your relationship with your narcissist and their happiness.
Narcissists are very scary, dangerous people.
自恋者非常善于让他们的目标感到被爱，即使只是暂时的。
爱情轰炸可以让你感到被重视和被照顾，他们可以以某种方式掩盖，让人觉得你们有很多共同点，以至于你们是灵魂伴侣。这都是假的，目的是让你沉迷其中，直到你的整个世界都围绕着你与自恋者的关系和他们的幸福。
自恋者是非常可怕、危险的人。
Yep! When you feel like the luckiest person in the world in finding the greatest person in the world, that’s when you better start worrying.
是的！当你觉得自己是世界上最幸运的人，找到了世界上最伟大的人时，你最好要开始担心了。
“If something is too good to be true” “it usually is”
“当事情好到让人无法置信时” “通常如此”
Been there! Know all about it!
去过那里！知道一切！
Wish my dad would have read this before my mom passed away. He never truly left her for someone else but he had multiple affairs, threatened to leave but didn’t. But the affairs destroyed their relationship to its core. They hated each other by the time she passed away.
希望我爸爸能在我妈妈去世之前读到这篇文章。他从未真正为了别人离开过她，但他有过多次外遇，威胁着要离开，但没有。但这件事破坏了他们之间的核心关系。她去世时，他们互相憎恨。
A shame. Men (and women too) often think another partner is the answer. Usually the answers lie in confronting one's own weaknesses and expectations as has been shown in these posts.
真遗憾。男性（以及女性）通常认为另一个伴侣就是答案。通常，答案在于直面自己的弱点和期望，正如这些帖子所示。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I don't feel sorry for you at all.
So pleased your wife married a decent man.
Like a wise person said You Reap What you Sow.
我一点也不为你感到难过。
很高兴你妻子嫁给了一个体面的男人。
就像一个智者所说的“种瓜得瓜种豆得豆”。
no human is perfectly clean , if everyone had to reap what they’ve sown , who shall stand ? Not even you , unless you’re among the few almost perfect humans , in which case ,
没有一个人是完全干净的，如果每个人都必须收获他们播种的东西，谁能承受？即使是你，也不行，除非你是少数几乎完美的人类之一。
If i was with a nice man who treated me well and loved me why would I jeopardise that for an affair.
He said he had a lovely wife she treated him well and that wasn't enough for him. Now he has no wife and no mistress. Was it worth it I think not.
I make mistakes like other people. But i genuinely don't hurt people intentionally.
如果我和一个对我很好、爱我的好男人在一起，我为什么要为了外遇而冒险呢？
他说他有一个可爱的妻子，她对他很好，这对他来说还不够。现在他没有妻子，也没有情妇。值得吗？我想不值得。
我和其他人一样会犯错误。但我真的不是故意伤害别人。
I get what you mean . I had that mind for most of my life . I thought people were in control of their mental functioning, that we can always make a choice … until I realized the hard way that our brains are way more fragile than I thought. People can easily manipulate others to act against their will . There are also mental illnesses that makes one act out in ways that’s out of one’s control to do extremely terrible things to others , regardless of if one is good or not
if I didn’t witness it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it . It can happen to anyone. Paul said this I want to do I can’t do it , things I don’t want to do , I find myself doing . We don’t know what things he’s referring to but I’ll take it as anything.
always always pray for everyone. No one is righteous and anyone, can do bad, anyone can be vulnerable , given the right set of conditions .
there may be exceptions, of course, in which case,
我明白你的意思。我一生的大部分时间都有这种想法。我曾经以为人们可以控制自己的心理，我们总是可以做出选择……直到我艰难地意识到，我们的大脑比我想象的要脆弱得多。人们很容易操纵他人违背自己的意愿。还有一些精神疾病会让一个人以自己无法控制的方式对他人做出极其可怕的事情，无论自己是否优秀都是如此。
如果不是我亲眼目睹，我不会相信。这可能发生在任何人身上。Paul 说过这句话：我想做，我做不到，我不想做的事情，我发现自己正在做。
我们不知道他指的是什么，但我会把它当作任何东西。
总是为每个人祈祷。在适当的条件下，没有人是正义的，任何人都可以做坏事，任何人也可以脆弱。
当然也可能有例外，在某种情况下。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I was never unfaithful, but I got to tell you I feel the same way about marriage. I too ended up broke in all departments at 63. Get yourself a dog and an old pickup and go explore your local camp sites., do some walking and learn to live alone. In 10 years time you’ll realise how lucky you are to finally be free.
我从未不忠，但我必须告诉你，我对婚姻也有同感。我也在63岁的时候破产了。我给自己找了一只狗和一辆旧皮卡，去探索当地的露营地。散散步，学会独自生活。10年后，你会意识到自己是多么幸运，终于获得了自由。
Yes, I regret it every day. I was in a long term affair for 5 years. I loved her and she was everything my wife was not. We got caught and I stayed in the marriage. I spun some tall tales and my wife believed most of it. She was really hurt but said she wanted to work on things and I played my part with the remorse and apologies and I’ll admit I did say things about my mistress to shift things. We didnt do counseling, I knew I would have to lie my way through and wasn’t willing to go there. I did do a bunch of reading on affairs though which helped me understand what might work to settle things. I have read that a lot of women like to blame the mistress to cope and I did encourage that line of thought and I’m ashamed about it. I felt disloyal to my mistress but I had to do what I could to stay and I did fudge a lot on the seriousness of what it was like with her and flat out lied and said I didn’t love my mistress and really loved my wife. Unless you have been in this situation you will never understand. I know the affair was wrong but I was miserable and hadn’t felt real love for my wife for years but didn’t feel like I could leave, I felt then that I had to do what I did although now I know that was a serious mistake but if I had told her the truth at the time that would have been it.
是的，我每天都在后悔。我的恋情长达5年，我爱她，她有我妻子所没有的一切。我们被抓住了，我留在了婚姻中。
我编造了一些耸人听闻的故事，我妻子相信了其中的大部分。她真的很受伤，但她说她想继续努力。我带着悔恨和歉意发挥了自己的作用，我承认我确实说了一些关于我情妇的坏话来改变事情。
我们没有做心理咨询，我知道我必须撒谎，我不愿意去那里。不过，我确实读了很多关于外遇的书，这有助于我理解用什么办法可以解决问题。我了解到许多女人喜欢用责怪情妇来应对这种情况，我确实鼓励了这种想法，对此我感到羞愧。
我对情妇不忠，但我必须尽我所能留下来，我确实对和她在一起的感觉含糊其辞，我赤裸裸的撒谎说我不爱我的情妇，真的爱我的妻子。
除非你经历过这种情况，否则你永远不会理解。我知道这件事是错误的，但我很痛苦，多年来一直没有对我的妻子感到真正的爱，但我觉得我不能离开，当时我觉得我必须做我所做的，尽管现在我知道这是一个严重的错误，如果我当时告诉她真相，那就好了。
回想起来，我做错了一切，努力做当时我认为正确的事情。我留下来是因为我担心离开会对孩子们造成什么影响，如果我负担不起让他们和他们所有的朋友过同样的生活，这会给他们带来什么样的麻烦。我也不想让他们失望，对他们的存在我感到感恩。我也不想在一场糟糕的离婚中失去一切，我看到过我的情妇几年前离婚时的情况。我不想为了自己的幸福而毁掉一切，我确实感到自己有义务这么做。
我的妻子真的很受伤，但也尽了她所能来取悦我，在我们多年没有性生活的时候一直想要性生活，把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮，突然想出去做一些她以前从未感兴趣的事情。我努力与情妇结束关系，向妻子隐瞒悲伤。这让我感到更加内疚，因为她似乎很宽容，一直在努力，我真的相信我能做到，让婚姻正常运转，大部分时间我都投入其中。
最终，我还是和我的情妇纠缠了一段时间，我很难让她离开，她也不明白我的妻子为什么不把我赶走，我也不明白我怎么还能和她再次发生性关系，她很难过。
她知道，我觉得我外遇期间必须留下来照顾我的孩子，而且她比我想象中的理解得多。但她非常疯狂，她认为一旦外遇被发现，一切就会结束。
她不明白我的妻子，怎么会还想继续留在婚姻中，也不能确切地告诉她，我在其中扮演了一个什么样的角色，我努力的淡化了婚外情中的感情和持续的时间，我当然也不能告诉她，我在妻子面前对她做出的评价。
我从来没有直接对我的情妇撒谎，但确实省略了一些东西，我们的关系非常开放和诚实，我对这一切的发生感到很难过，我从来没有想过要这样对待她，我真的很爱这个女人，如果必须在她和我妻子之中二选一，肯定是她，但是我还有其他的考虑，所以我做了当时我认为正确的事情，我们最终分手了。
I stayed really busy and had my wife over my shoulder 24/7 I didn’t have much time to really think about it all and pretty much went into panic and repair mode after I was caught and in retrospect have a hard time facing up to what I did to her and really look at the situation with my wife for what was really going on. It wasn’t right to either of them. My wife wanted to constantly do things with me where before we really just led separate lives. It seemed like it might actually work out and be ok after all, she seemed really genuine in still loving me and wanting it. I did care about her and we had a long history but the love for her had died years ago, I didn’t allow myself to think about my mistress much at that point and tried to really focus on fixing things and feeling something for my wife again. We had what I can best describe as a honeymoon period where it was good for awhile but over time she started bringing the affair back up every time we had a disagreement which got more and more often and the sex tapered off. It was becoming clear that her actions were just her trying to keep me and not real changes and for my part the same. We still were just very different people putting on an act to make this work.
离开我的外遇对象，对我来说很难，我的情妇真的很难过，据我所知，她有一段时间仿佛丢了魂一样，这真的影响了她的生活。她最终结婚了，我经常想知道她是否幸福，现在的婚姻对她来说怎么样，我们有一些非常特别的事情，我知道，但当时我并没有真正感激。我不知道，我会有这么后悔，比大多数人知道的多得多，我对自己感到愤怒，我怎么会让这样的机会偷偷溜走。
我一直很忙，妻子全天候在我身边。我没有太多时间真正思考这一切，在被抓住后，我忙于恐慌和修复关系。回想起来，我很难正视我对她所做的一切，也没有与妻子一起真正审视发生了什么。这对他们两个都不对。以前我和我妻子分开生活，现在，我妻子经常想和我一起做一些事情。看起来一切都会好起来的，毕竟，她似乎真的很真诚，仍然爱我，想要我。我确实很关心她，我们有很长的过去，但对她的爱已经在几年前消失了，当时我不允许自己太多地考虑我的情妇，并试着真正专注于解决问题，再次理解我妻子的感受。我们度过了一段我难以形容的蜜月期，但随着时间的推移，每次我们发生分歧时，她都会重新提起这件事，这种分歧越来越频繁，性生活也越来越冷淡。很明显，她的行为只是她试图留住我，而不是真正的改变，对我来说也是如此。我们仍然只是非常不同的人，为了让这件事成功而在表演。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
我真希望我能回到过去，以不同的方式做这件事。