哪10个习惯会破坏你们的关系（二）

Alisha Talks
Studying in bed - Your bed is made for sleeping, it is your comfort place. Try finding a new environment, other than your bed to study in.
Aimlessly scrolling through your social media accounts it is of no benefit to you
Stop drinking, smoking and doing drugs
Avoid watching porn
Stop letting people take advantage of your kindness
Start learning how to say “no”
Avoid leaving your deadlines til’ the last minute
Stop ‘forgetting’ to take your make-up off before going to sleep
Avoid looking at your phone before going to sleep
Avoid sleeping late
Try not to doubt yourself too much
Stop surrounding yourself with negative people
Stop gossiping
Stop slandering

在床上学习—你的床是用来睡觉的，它是让你舒适的地方。试着找到一个新的环境，而不在床上来学习。
这对你没有好处：漫无目的地浏览你的社交媒体账户
停止饮酒、吸烟和吸毒
避免观看色情片
不要让别人利用你的善良
开始学习如何说“不”
不要拖到最后期限的最后一分钟
睡觉前别忘了卸妆
睡觉前避免看手机
避免睡懒觉
不要太怀疑自己
不要和消极的人在一起
停止闲聊
停止诽谤

Don't stick your nose in other people’s business
Stop making every aspect of your life public - nobody wants to see what you ate for breakfast
Don't lie because you’re afraid to hurt the other person’s feelings. Speak the truth.
Don't skip meals
Stop snacking when you’re not hungry
Stop overspending and start saving money
Try to avoid watching too much TV
Start using your time wisely
Stop forgetting to wear sun screen
Stop pondering about the past and start focusing on the present
Stop procrastinating
Stop forgetting to upvote a post after reading it :P
Some of these habits are for me to follow first and foremost. If you don't want to take the advice, that's up to you, I'm not stopping you :)

不要管别人的事
不要把你生活的每一个方面都公之于众——没人想看你早餐吃了什么
不要因为害怕伤害对方的感情而撒谎，说实话就好。
不要不吃饭
不饿的时候不要吃零食
停止超支，开始存钱
尽量避免看太多电视
开始明智地利用时间
别忘了涂防晒霜
停止思考过去，开始关注当下
别再磨磨蹭蹭了
看完帖子后，别忘了点赞
其中一些习惯是我首先就要去遵循的。如果你不想接受建议，也取决于你，我不会阻止你的哈。

Jenny Keating
In 20 days time, my husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and whilst it’s been an amazing journey together, there have been some tough times and I think I can identify at least 10 areas where we went wrong and some where we did well.
Betrayal - this is not just about cheating. There are many ways in which you can betray your partner and it’s a lot of hard work to regain that trust. If it does happen and you’re forgiven, make sure that you don’t do it again!
Money - I think this often causes a relationship to fail. I think I can honestly say that in the entire 50 years, we never once fought about money. We rationalised every large purchase together and respected fairness, always.
Your kids will grow up and move away and suddenly you may be looking into the face of a relative stranger. On a regular basis, take stock of the relationship. Make time for each other and let your children fend for themselves occasionally - it makes them tough and independent.
Don’t become bad friends - I don’t think many relationships can survive the loss of the friendship. Good friends have each other’s back, are supportive in good and bad times and can be relied on to tell you when you’re bad!

再过20天，我和丈夫将庆祝我们结婚50周年纪念日。虽然这是一段美妙的旅程，但也有一些艰难的时刻，我想我能找出至少10个我们做错的地方和一些我们做得好的地方
背叛——这不仅仅是欺骗。背叛伴侣的方式有很多，要重新获得这种信任需要付出很多努力。如果真的发生了，且你被原谅了，请确保你不再这样做！
金钱——我认为这通常会导致一段关系的失败。我想我可以诚实地说，在过去的50年里，我们从未为金钱而争吵。我们一起为每笔大额采购进行合理安排，并始终尊重公平。
你的孩子长大后会搬走，你可能会突然看到一个相对陌生的人的脸。定期评估关系，为彼此腾出时间，偶尔让孩子自己照顾自己——这会让他们变得坚强和独立。
不要成为坏朋友——我认为没有多少关系能在友谊的丧失中幸存下来。好朋友互相支持，无论顺境还是逆境，都能给予你支持，可以依靠它来告诉你什么时候处于糟糕的状态!
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Effective communication - this is a biggie and I believe that most relationships suffer at some point because of poor communication. Take a moment to ensure that preconceived notions are correct and that your expectations are not unreasonable or misunderstood.
Speak to each other respectfully - never say anything that you cannot retract! It’s really hard sometimes, but think before you say something, as you would do in most cases, with a good friend. Another aspect of this is bickering - it’s still an area of concern to us. We both find it hard to think first and speak gently and I’m still inclined to over react.
Support each other’s careers - we spend an awful lot of time at work. Make the effort to understand what your partner does for a living and what his/her aspirations are. I was fortunate in that I really love aviation so I was completely engaged in my husband’s career. On his part, he was incredibly supportive when I started studying and would happily stay up helping me solve a problem until 2am if needs be.

有效的沟通——这是一个很大的问题，我相信大多数关系都会因为沟通不畅而受到影响。花点时间确保先入为主的观念是正确的，并且确保你的期望不是不合理或被误解的。
互相尊重地交谈——永远不要说你无法收回的话!有时候真的很难，但在你说话之前要三思，就像你在大多数情况下对好朋友所做的那样。另一个方面是争吵——这仍然是我们关注的一个领域。我们都觉得很难先思考，然后温和地说话，我仍然倾向于过度反应。
支持彼此的事业——我们在工作上花费了大量的时间。努力了解你的伴侣是做什么工作的，他/她的愿望是什么。我很幸运，因为我真的很喜欢航空，所以我完全投入到我丈夫的事业中。在他这方面，当我开始学习时，他非常支持我，如果需要的话，直到凌晨2点，他都会很高兴地熬夜帮我解决问题。

Don’t forget to remember - all relationships go through periods where you’re a bit scratchy with each other or just not getting on. During those times, remind yourself of the reasons why you’re together and why you love this person so much. It’s a bit like a re-boot.
Never forget to say you’re sorry, sincerely - I remember how hard this was when I was young but we both learned that a sincere apology when transgressions have been identified, can quickly restore happiness.
Take time for yourself - this is important. The partnership should not be all consuming. Having separate interests and activities creates much needed space and gives you both lots to chat about.
It drives me crazy that he doesn’t put things away but at the risk of being criticised here.

别忘了记住——所有的恋爱关系都会经历这样一段时期:你们对彼此有点不友好，或者就是合不来。在这些时候，提醒自己你们在一起的原因，以及为什么你如此爱这个人。这有点像重新启动。
永远不要忘了真诚地道歉——我记得当我年轻的时候，这是多么困难，但我们都知道，当错误被发现时，真诚的道歉可以迅速恢复幸福状态。
给自己留点时间——这很重要。伴侣关系不应该是消耗性的。有不同的兴趣和活动可以为你们创造必要的空间，让你们有很多话题可以聊。
这让我抓狂：他从不收拾东西—冒着被批评的风险也是如此。

Lauren Ramesbottom
Ineffective Communication — because I truly believe this is the most integral piece to any successful relationship. If you don’t have the tools, willingness or simply the capacity to communicate effectively with your partner, you will have a hard time building the foundation you need to thrive, romantically, over time.
Jealousy — Take it from someone who has grappled with jealous partners in the past. It will quickly poison the well of your relationship and, almost always, it is indicative of internal work you need to do, in order to pinpoint the root of that jealousy and insecurity. Of course, none of us are perfect, hints of jealousy might surface from time to time. Why? Because humans are innately ruled by their egos and arguably nothing is more influenced by our ego than our romantic relationships; in the world of our ego emotional vulnerability is a scary thing. However, if jealousy is a trait that defines you and your relationships, get to the bottom of it before you enter another relationship.
A Penchant for Pettiness — Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? But seriously, finding ways to take little jabs at your partner when they frustrate, disappoint or hell, even infuriate you, will do more harm than good. And for the record, it’s easy to do in relationships. We know our partner better than anyone, so we also know how to lash out, or ‘get back’ at them with ill-intentioned, petty comments or behaviour. Resist the urge — there are (far) better ways to identify and work through any bubbling conflict or disconnect in your relationship.

无效的沟通——因为我真的相信这是任何成功关系中最重要的部分。如果你没有工具、意愿或仅仅是与你的伴侣有效沟通的能力，随着时间的推移，你将很难建立你需要茁壮成长的浪漫基础。
嫉妒——从一个过去与嫉妒的伴侣斗争过的人那里吸取教训。它会迅速破坏你们的关系，而且，几乎总是如此，这表明你需要做一些内在的工作，以找出嫉妒和不安全感的根源。当然，没有人是完美的，嫉妒的迹象可能会不时出现。为什么？因为人类天生受自我的支配，可以说没有什么比我们的浪漫关系更受自我的影响;在我们自我的世界里，情感的脆弱是一件可怕的事情。然而，如果嫉妒是一个定义你和你的人际关系的特征，在你进入另一段关系之前弄清它的本质。
执着于鸡毛蒜皮的小事——脱口而出，不是吗?但说真的，当你的伴侣让你沮丧、失望，甚至激怒你时，想办法对他们进行小抨击，这样做弊大于利。顺便说一句，这在恋爱中很容易做到。我们比任何人都了解我们的伴侣，所以我们也知道如何用恶意的、琐碎的评论或行为来抨击或“报复”他们。抵制这种冲动——抵制这种冲动——有(远为)更好的方法来识别和掐灭你们关系中任何冲突或断联的苗头。

Toxic Tendencies — Partners are meant to challenge you, but if the entire relationship feels like an uphill battle, it might be more toxic than it is positive. Does your partner bring out the best in you? Or the worst? Do you spend the bulk of your time fighting, or problem solving when issues do arise? Have you built a solid foundation, or are you both on a rollercoaster ride of elated highs and explosive lows?
An Inability to Compromise — Look, no relationship is perfect. Each partner will have to pick and choose their battles, and take the time to determine what their ‘nonnegotiables’ are within a relationship. However, beyond that which is deemed as a nonnegotiable, both partners will encounter moments (arguments, decisions etc.) in which they have to compromise. A partnership is, ultimately, a collaboration, after all. So ask yourself, are you willing to meet in the middle and maintain an open mind, or is it always your way or the highway?

极其有害的倾向——伴侣注定要挑战你，但如果整个关系感觉像是一场艰苦的战斗，它可能是有害的而不是积极的。你的伴侣能激发出你最好的一面吗?还是最坏的情况?你是把大量的时间花在争吵上，还是在问题出现时解决问题上?你们是否建立了一个坚实的基础，或者你们都在兴高采烈的高潮和爆炸性的低谷中坐过山车?
无法妥协——看，没有一段关系是完美的。每一方都必定会选择自己的战场，并花时间确定在一段关系中哪些是他们“不可商量的”。然而，除了那些被认为是不可谈判的，双方都会遇到他们必须妥协的时刻(争论，决定等)。毕竟，伴侣关系最终是一种合作。所以问问你自己，你是否愿意在中间妥协，保持开放的心态，还是总是按你自己的方式行事?

Dishonesty — Be open with your partner. Not just when it’s easy, or when it feels natural, but also when it’s hard. Oftentimes, it’s dishonesty (even in small, seemingly insignificant cases) that erodes at the trust within a relationship, and that can be hard to recover from. Beyond lying itself, we have to also consider the avoidance of certain, harder topics. Those conversations which help you and your partner determine if you’re on the same page (whether or not you want children, what you want for your future, where you want to live etc.) should not be avoided or neglected. Don’t turn a blind eye to an obvious or potentially major incompatibility that isn’t likely to shift, in favour of temporary, blissful ignorance. Have those hard conversations, and ensure you’re both on the same page throughout the course of your relationship. Once again, transparency isn’t always the easiest path to take, but it’s often the right path.
Infidelity — I mean, this feels rather obvious. When you enter a relationship, and as you continue to evolve it, both partners should be comfortable discussing and agreeing on the ‘container’ of that relationship. If the decision is to be monogamous, honour that. While most things in life aren’t black or white, I think that should be. If your needs or desires change over time, revisit it — see if you can establish common ground, if you’re on the same page (after all, it’s not entirely uncommon for couples to transition to open at some point) or if it’s time to separate. Otherwise, don’t complicate the one aspect of a relationship that should be rather simple to navigate.
Selfishness — In any relationship, you should advocate for the success and happiness of your partner in equal measure to your own. There will be many cases in which your immediate expectations or desires might need to take a backseat, in order for your partner to thrive. That’s okay. That’s life, and love, and it’s a matter of finding the balance. Operating with a selfish agenda, especially within a romantic partnership, is a recipe for disaster — or a very short-lived relationship, at least.
Now for the not-Coles notes version:

不诚实：对你的伴侣坦诚相待。不只是当它很容易做到或感觉很自然的时候，还有当它很困难的时候。通常情况下，是不诚实(即使是很小的，看起来无关紧要的情况)侵蚀了一段关系中的信任，而且很难挽回。除了撒谎本身，我们还必须考虑避免某些更难的话题。那些帮助你和你的伴侣决定是否达成共识的对话（无论你是否想要孩子，你未来想要什么，你想住在哪里等）不应该被避免或忽视。不要对不可能改变的明显的或潜在的极不相容方面视而不见，而倾向于做到暂时的、使人幸福的无知。进行那些艰难的对话，并确保你们在整个关系过程中都达成共识。再次强调，透明度并不总是最容易走的道路，但它往往是正确的道路。
不忠：我的意思是，这感觉很明显。当你发展一段关系，并且在你继续发展的过程中，双方都应该乐于讨论并同意这段关系的“包容度”。如果决定是一夫一妻制，请遵守这一决定。虽然生活中的大多数事情都不是非黑即白的，但我认为这是应该的。如果你的需求或愿望随着时间的推移而改变，那就重新审视一下——看看你是否能建立共同点，如果达成共识（毕竟，夫妻在某个时刻转变为开放状态并不罕见），或者是时候分开了。否则，不要让一段本该很简单的关系变得复杂。
自私：在任何一段关系中，你都应该倡导你的伴侣要获得成功和幸福，就像你自己一样。在很多情况下，为了让你的伴侣茁壮成长，你的直接期望或愿望可能需要退居次要地位。没关系，这就是生活和爱情，这是找到平衡的问题。以自私的目的行事，尤其是在一段恋爱关系中，是导致灾难的原因——或者至少只会维持一段非常短暂的关系。
现在，对于非科尔斯注释版本：

My current partner and I have been together for just over a year. While I do not consider that to be a long period of time by any grand measure, I am acutely aware of many of the lessons we’ve both learned (and applied) over these months together. Funny enough, someone recently upvoted my answer in which I described our first date, and it was that notification that brought me back onto the platform. The infatuation I felt at that time is apparent in my answer, and the love I feel for him now has certainly evolved.
Here’s the thing, my partner and I are very different people. Not in the sense that he prefers chocolate cake while I would opt for vanilla any day of the week — I mean, at our core, we operate very differently. Sure, certain surface level realities about our lives are, in fact, very aligned. We both work in the health and fitness industry, him full-time and myself part-time, and both of us would happily trade a night out at a bar for a night in, a great meal at a restaurant, or even a training session at the gym. We are both fuelled, in large part, by our need for creative expression — although we both showcase that creativity via different mediums. We share a love for stand-up comedy, and while he doesn’t seek out horror movies the same way I do, he is almost always willing to watch them with me. So, from a glance, our lifestyles are certainly very compatible. But, with that said, the way we communicate and show affection, is often entirely opposite. The way we process and deal with information and conflict is, in many cases, entirely opposite. The way we cope with stress? You guessed it, opposite. As you might imagine, once the rose-coloured glasses of infatuation wears off, these are the things that become not just noticeable — but impossible to ignore, and important to address.

我现在的伴侣和我在一起才一年多。虽然我不认为这是一段很长的时间，但我敏锐地意识到我们在这几个月里共同学习(并应用)的许多经验教训。有趣的是，最近有人给我描述我们第一次约会的答案点赞，正是这个通知把我带回到了这个平台。我当时的迷恋在我的回答中很明显，而我现在对他的爱也确实有了升华。
事情是这样的，我和我的伴侣是截然不同的人。不是说他喜欢巧克力蛋糕，而我在一周中的任何一天都会选择香草蛋糕——我的意思是，在我们的核心，我们的运作方式非常不同。当然，我们生活中的某些表面现实，实际上是非常一致的。我们都在健康和健身行业工作，他是全职的，我是兼职的，我们都很乐意在酒吧里度过一晚，在餐馆里吃一顿大餐，甚至在健身房进行一次训练。在很大程度上，我们都需要创造性的表达——尽管我们都通过不同的媒介展示创造力。我们都喜欢单口相声，虽然他不像我一样喜欢看恐怖电影，但他几乎总是愿意和我一起看。所以，从表面上看，我们的生活方式是非常契合的。但是，尽管如此，我们沟通和表达感情的方式往往是完全相反的。在许多情况下，我们处理信息和冲突的方式是完全相反的。我们应对压力的方式？你猜对了，也正好相反。正如你可以想象的那样，一旦迷恋的玫瑰色眼镜消失，这些事情不仅变得显而易见，而且不可能被忽视，并很重要。

If any relationship could affirm my beliefs that effective communication is everything, it’s this one.
I know that my partner loves me, deeply, and would never do anything to intentionally upset me. No part of me has every questioned that truth.
However, where I crave words of affirmation, he expresses himself through physical touch and struggles to verbalize his feelings. Where he wants time to process emotional conflict and revisit it later, I want to unpack it head on, in the moment, so we can find resolution quickly. In those moments where I react logically, he often simply reacts, with an emotional response. Where I process and work through stress through various (more private) outlets and methods, he wears it on his outside demeanour. Where I want to talk things through, he would rather sit quietly.
Neither of us are ever unequivocally right or wrong. We both have our short-comings as well as our strengths. The important part is, we are learning and working through it, together.

如果有什么关系可以证实我的信念，即有效的沟通是一切，那就是这段关系。
我知道我的伴侣深深地爱着我，他绝不会做任何故意让我难过的事。我从未怀疑过这个事实。
然而，当我渴望肯定的话语时，他却通过身体接触来表达自己，并努力用语言表达自己的感受。当他需要时间来处理情感冲突，并在以后重新审视它时，我想要在此时此刻把它打开，这样我们就可以迅速找到解决方案。在我做出合乎逻辑的反应时，他经常只是简单地做出反应，做出一种情绪化的反应。当我通过各种（更私密的）渠道和方法来处理和克服压力时，他会把它表现在外在情绪上。当我想把事情谈清楚时，他宁愿静静地坐着。
我们都没有明确的对错之分。我们都有优点，也有缺点。重要的是，我们正在一起学习和克服它。

Ultimately, our relationship has forced me to realize things about myself — and the way in which my childhood shaped who I am today — that never occurred to me before. It’s made me realize that I still have some serious sh*t to work through, in terms of my compulsive need to immediately squash emotional conflict and confrontation across all walks of my life. It’s made me realize that I too readily take on the emotions and problems of those around me, especially those I love, and that terming yourself as an “empath” is just a totally BS way of admitting you don’t have boundaries. On the other hand, he’s realized that he often struggles to see beyond his own agenda, needs and preferences. He has existed, for years, advocating only for himself professionally and otherwise (fiercely, at that) and now has to take a step back, and prioritize the needs and wants of others as well. He’s realized that his emotions often overtake logic, and that he needs to better cope and react to stress and articulate his feelings.

最终，我们的关系迫使我认识到自己的一些事情以及我的童年是如何塑造了今天的我，这是我以前从未想过的。这让我意识到，我仍然有一些严重的问题需要解决，就我的强迫性需求而言，我需要立即消除生活中各个方面的情感冲突和对抗。这让我意识到，我太容易承担周围人的情绪和问题，尤其是那些我爱的人，称自己为“善解人意”完全是一种承认你没有界限的扯淡方式。另一方面，他意识到他经常努力超越自己的秘密目的、需求和偏好。多年来，他一直在为自己的专业和其他方面(激烈地)辩护，现在他必须后退一步，也要优先考虑别人的需求和愿望。他意识到他的情绪经常不合乎逻辑，他需要更好地（做出）应对和应对压力，并表达自己的感受。

There have been nights where I have completely unraveled over the effect one of his moods had on me — even if it had nothing to do with me. And it’s those times that he’s looked at me, heartbreak etched into every detail of his face, simply because he knew he had hurt me in some way, unintentionally. There have been times we can’t keep our hands off of each other, times where “I love you” barely scratches the surface, and there have also been days we felt distant or disconnected. But amidst any conflict or disconnect, whether his fault or mine, we’ve forged common ground. We’ve held each other. We’ve acknowledged our wrongs. We’ve forgiven each other. We’ve agreed on a better way to do things. More than anything, we’ve loved each other.
And yeah, more often than not, it’s the little things that drive us batsh*t crazy. I have anxiety if I don’t make my bed every morning, he could care less. He likes the sheets untucked, I like the bed to remain neatly intact. He refuses to microwave food, I do it all the time. I never order juice at brunch, but always ask for a sip of his. He never leaves the toilet seat up, but he often forgets to buy toilet paper. He prefers the room cold, I’m constantly freezing. I think my dog is the cutest four legged creature to ever exist, he would happily trade him in for a Rottweiler (or literally any breed other than a pug, for that matter). You get the point…

有几天晚上，我已经完全弄清了他的情绪对我的影响，即使这与我无关。那些时候，他看着我，在他脸上的每一个细节刻划了心碎，只是因为他知道他在某种程度上无意中伤害了我。有些时候我们无法将手从对方身上拿开，有些时候“我爱你”仅仅触及了表面，也有一些日子我们感到疏远或断联。但在任何冲突或断联中，无论是他错还是我错，我们都建立了共同点。我们彼此拥抱，承认了自己的错误。我们已经互相原谅了。我们已经商定了更好的做事方式。最重要的是，我们彼此相爱。
更多的时候，是一些小事让我们疯狂。如果我不在每天早上整理床铺，我会感到焦虑，他则毫不在意的。他喜欢床单解开，我喜欢床保持整洁。他拒绝用微波炉加热食物，我一直这样做。我从不在早午餐时点果汁，但总是要喝一口。他从不把马桶座放下，而且他经常忘记买卫生纸。他喜欢冷冷的房间，我就老是冻着。我认为我的狗是有史以来最可爱的四腿动物，他很乐意用它来换一只罗威纳犬(或者字面上的任何品种，除了哈巴狗)，你懂的…

But in the end, none of that actually matters.
Love and intimacy is a complicated thing. There is no ultimate blueprint or path to success. My partner and I share an incredibly intimate bond, but it’s a relationship that requires continued work and patience from both parties. We operate with complete, transparent honesty, we call each other out when we’re being a*sholes, we play devil’s advocate, we laugh, we cry, we make mistakes, we compromise. Will we be together years into the future? Time will only tell — but I have no doubt that I will carry these understandings with me for the rest of my life.

但最终，这些都不重要。
爱和亲密关系是一件复杂的事情。成功没有终极蓝图或路径。我和我的伴侣有着难以置信的亲密关系，但这是一种需要双方持续努力和耐心维持的关系。我们以完全、透明、诚实的方式行事，当我们彼此是混蛋时，我们会指责对方，我们会唱反调，我们会笑，我们会哭，我们会犯错，我们会妥协。多年以后我们还会在一起吗?只有时间会证明一切，但我毫不怀疑，我将在我的余生中铭记这些认识。