QA问答：我嫁给了我最好的朋友，但我只是欣赏他的人品，不爱他。我该怎么办？

Janie
Do you know what? Come close so I can whisper. I’ll let you into a secret.
Marriages based on “being in love” tend to fail. Love involves a lot of hormones and a great deal of romantic idealisation. These things feel wonderful while they last. However, sooner or later, you’ll find that your love-idol is a human being with feet of clay. At that point, those wonderful feelings fade and the marriage dies.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, what really matters is friendship, mutual respect and being able to rely on that person through thick and thin (or as they say: for richer, for poorer; for better for worse; in sickness and in health). I’ve been with my husband 34 years and we’d never have survived on love alone.
These bad boys you’ve tired of are intoxicating. That rush of lust, the fascinating antics, the highs and the inevitable lows. Of course that is exciting and feels passionate - but it’s a terrible basis for a life long partnership. Next to them, this friend you admire can seem tame. But he loves you, and now you can learn what love really is.

你知道吗？靠近点，这样我就可以低声说话了。我会让你知道一个秘密。
基于“爱情”的婚姻往往会失败。爱情需要大量的荷尔蒙和理想化的浪漫。在这些东西持续的时候，你会感觉很棒。然而，总有一天，你会发现你的爱情偶像，有不为人知的严重缺陷。那时，美好的感情消失了，婚姻也结束了。
当你和一个人在一起很长一段时间后，真正重要的是友谊、相互尊重，以及在度过难关的时候可以依靠（就像他曾经说过的那样：无论富裕或贫穷，无论祸福，疾病或者健康）。我和我丈夫在一起已经34年了，单靠爱情我们坚持不到现在。
那些你已经厌倦了的坏男孩令人陶醉。欲望的涌动，迷人的滑稽动作，高潮和不可避免的低谷。当然，这让人兴奋，让人感觉充满激情——但对作为终身伴侣关系来说这是一个极其糟糕的基础。比起他们，那个让你钦佩的朋友可能枯燥乏味。但他爱你，好了，现在你可以学会什么是爱了。

You know what? Love is not about what you feel so much as what you do. This is an easy mistake to make. Any fool can feel lovey-dovey. Real love is what you do when you’re not flooded with oxytocin. Real love is cleaning up diarrhoea for your partner when they’re poorly. It’s pacing the floor at 3am with a screaming and colicky baby so that you can sleep. It’s standing by you when you’ve messed up, or lost your job, or grown grey and whiskery in your female old age.
Stick by your husband - he’s your best friend for good reason. Friendship, admirable qualities and commitment are far more solid as a basis for marriage than the transitory emotion you’re mistaking for love. Love is an action. It’s what you do when you’re not feeling like being kind. And when you consistently and reliably act in a loving way, that’s when you’ll discover what true love really is.

你知道吗？爱不在于你的感受，而在于你的行动。这是一个容易犯的错误。任何一个傻瓜都能感觉到爱。真正的爱是当你没有被催产素淹没时你所做的事情。真正的爱是在你的伴侣身体不好的时候为他们清理脏污。凌晨3点，他带着一个尖叫吵闹的婴儿，在地板上踱来踱去，就为了让你可以去睡觉。当你搞砸了，或者失去了工作，或者在你的晚年，头发灰白了，变老了，他会站在你身边。
忠诚于你的丈夫——他能成为你最好的朋友，肯定有充分的理由。友谊、令人钦佩的品质和承诺作为婚姻的基础，要比你误认为爱情的短暂情感要牢固得多。爱是一种行动，是当你不想友善的时候你所做的。当你以爱的方式始终如一、可靠地行动时，你就会发现真正的爱是什么。

Jennifer McGowan
Oh, honey, can I ever relate to your situation. And I'm sorry to say I have to completely disagree with Janie Keddie’s very popular answer.
I am currently in the process of a divorce with my husband of more than 20 years. I mistook our friendship, easy rapport and my genuine respect and admiration of him for love. He pursued me—aggressively—-and since I was smarting from a very painful breakup and a cross-country move (plus nagging from my parents to give the “nice Jewish boy a chance,”) I foolishly rushed into a passionless marriage with him (that thankfully produced three beautiful sons whom we love more than anything).
I couldn't admit I had made a mistake by marrying him. All the signs were there, I just refused to pay attention to them. The sex was bad. I mean, right off the bat, which again was a clear red flag that I chose to ignore. I actually cringed sometimes when he touched me, and I detested the way he breathed heavily on me during sex.

亲爱的，我不知道是否完全理解了你的处境。很抱歉，我完全不同意楼上的非常流行的回答。
我目前正在与我结婚20多年的丈夫离婚。我把我们的友谊、轻松融洽的关系以及我对他的真诚尊重和钦佩误认为是爱。他咄咄逼人地追求我——由于我经历了一次非常痛苦的分手和一次跨国搬家（加上父母唠叨叨要给这个“好犹太男孩一个机会”），所以我愚蠢地仓促与他结婚（谢天谢地，我生了三个我们最爱的漂亮儿子）。
我不能承认我嫁给他是个错误。所有的迹象都在那里，我只是拒绝去关注。性爱很糟糕。我的意思是，这是一个明显的危险信号，我再次选择忽略它。当他碰我的时候，我有时真的会畏缩，我讨厌他在做爱时对我呼气的方式。

My husband and I survived three kids, job changes and multiple moves, including the cross-country one that ultimately brought us all back to California. I think we may have split up sooner, but life was never stagnant and certainly never boring, so together we remained. But over the years I grew resentful and began to criticize him unfairly, taking out my anger with myself upon him. He adored me (or so I believed), and I thought that would be enough. But I just simply could not make myself be in love with him, or love him. All the “shoulds” didn't matter. By two years ago we were living like brother and sister. And finally, one day shy of our twentieth wedding anniversary, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't do it anymore. I finally got honest with myself and him about my feelings.

我丈夫和我生了三个孩子，换了工作，多次搬家，包括最终把我们带回加州的那次跨国搬家。我们一直在一起，但是如果不是生活一直在变化，也从来没有无聊过，我想我们可能早就分手了。但是最近几年，我变得愤愤不平，开始不公平地批评他，把我的愤怒发泄在他身上。他仰慕我（或者我是这么认为的），我认为这就足够了。但我就是没有办法让自己也爱上他。所有的“应该”都无关紧要。两年前，我们就像兄妹一样生活。最后，离我们结婚二十周年纪念日还有一天的时候，我照了照镜子，我再也做不到了。我终于对自己和他坦白了我的感受。

Was it the most difficult and painful thing I had ever done? You bet it was. But you know what?? I learned that he hadn't been happy in our marriage for years either. (So you see, your husband is most likely already painfully aware of your feelings. We're not really fooling anyone.)
We are now in the process of a very amicable divorce. We're kind and considerate of each other and working together to co-parent our teen and young adult sons the best way we can. And I have been in love for more than a year with a wonderful man who worships the ground I walk on, who has all of the wonderful qualities my ex has and more. He’s a “manly man” who is also kind and gentle, who can fix and build things AND cook, who is intelligent with a wicked sense of humor, and who I just happen to think is the sexiest man on the planet. (Needless to say our sex life is off the charts and I can't keep my hands to myself when I'm around him!).

这是我做过的最困难、最痛苦的决定吗？是的。但你知道吗？？我了解到他在我们的婚姻中也已经多年不幸福了。（你看，你丈夫很可能已经痛苦地意识到了你的感受。我们欺骗不了任何人。）
我们现在正处于非常友好的离婚过程中。我们彼此友好体贴，共同努力，以最佳方式共同养育我们的青少年和刚成年的儿子。我已经爱上了一个很好的男人一年多了，他仰慕我所走过的土地，他拥有我前任所拥有的所有优秀品质，还有更多。他是一个“有男子气概的人”，也是一个善良而温柔的人，他会修理、建造东西和做饭，他聪明而幽默，我恰好认为他是这个星球上最性感的男人。（不用说，我们的性生活已经脱了轨，当我和他在一起的时候，我无法控制自己！）。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

The bottom line is, you are responsible for your own happiness, not for his. It doesn't matter how much you think he loves you. If you are resenting being in your relationship every day and questioning yourself, it is time to put an end to it. He will survive, and so will you. It doesn't matter what other people say about what you “should” do. It's YOUR life, not theirs. It took me more than twenty years to learn this. Hopefully it won't take you as long.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!!

底线是，你要为自己的幸福负责，而不是他。不管你认为他有多爱你。如果你每天都在你们的关系中质疑自己感到不满，是时候结束它了。他会活下来，你也会。别人怎么说你“应该”做什么并不重要。这是你的生活，不是他们的。我花了二十多年才学会这一点。希望不会花你这么长时间。
无论你决定做什么，我都祝你好运！！

Gopalkrishna Vishwanath
Tough situation! But you don’t have my sympathies in this case.
As long as you were not forced to marry him due to circumstances beyond your control, you must stay in this marriage. Don’t leave. Be faithful! Don’t cheat!
Your lack of passion for him presently is the price you paid for your blunder. Accept it calmly. Don’t compound your mistakes and become an even more serious defaulter by lack of fidelity.

这是一个艰难的局面！但我不同情你。
只要你不是因为你无法控制的情况而被迫嫁给他，你就必须保持这段婚姻。不要离开。要忠诚！别作弊！
你对他缺乏热情是你为自己的错误付出的代价。冷静地接受它。不要因缺乏忠诚而加重你的错误，成为更严重的违约者。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

If you ditch him now, even after admiring him so much, and after knowing he loves strongly, and that breaking up will destroy him, you would be an extremely selfish person and would be breaking the sacred laws of marriage. You would tacitly be accepting the fact that the next boy you have a relationship with can likewise ditch you if his passion for you subsides in future. You will also be tempted to ditch your next partner when your passion for him ceases after some time.
Put yourself in the reverse position. Would you like to be ditched by a person who married you, attracted by all your other qualifications, after being disappointed with his earlier relationships with other girls, and someone who admired you intensely but whose passion suddenly became cold after he married you?

如果你现在抛弃了他，即使你这么欣赏他，但是他爱得这么深，分手会毁掉他，那么你将是一个极其自私的人，你将违反婚姻的神圣法则。如果下一个和你有关系的男孩对你的热情在未来消退，他也会同样抛弃你，你会默认这一事实。当你对下一个伴侣的热情在一段时间后停止时，你也会很想抛弃他。
把自己放在相反的位置。你愿意被一个娶了你的人抛弃吗？一个被你所有其他的资历所吸引的人，一个对之前与其他女孩的关系感到失望的人，一个对你非常欣赏的人，他在娶了你之后，他的热情突然变得冷淡，然后抛弃你？

If you ditch your husband now, then your next marriage too will be in jeopardy. Passions cool. They don’t remain permanent. Sometimes it is age related. Sometimes it is health related. Sometimes it is just the human tendency and weakness for variety.
I will not moralize and state that desiring variety is wrong or immoral. That depends on the culture/society you belong to. In some countries it is not only wrong but illegal too. Punishments can barbaric. But if this variety was such an important requirement, then marriage was not the right thing for you.

如果你现在抛弃了你的丈夫，那么你的下一次婚姻也将处于危险之中。激情很酷。但它们不会永久存在。有时它与年龄有关。有时它与健康有关。有时这只是人类对多样性的倾向和弱点。
我不会说教，也不会说追求多样化是错误或不道德的。这取决于你所属的文化/社会。在一些国家，这不仅是错误的，而且是非法的。惩罚可能是野蛮的。但如果这种多样性是如此重要的事情，那么婚姻对你来说就不合适了。

If you belong to a liberal or permissive society, that tolerates promiscuity and if your hubby too is game, then your problem of passion is solved! Hopefully you will have the capabilities of igniting the same passion in your new partner that you fail to experience with your husband. Remember that feeling passion is easy. Arousing passion in another is a different ball game altogether!
My final opinion: Now that you are married, stick with him through thick and thin. Be grateful for his other merits. Live with what you can’t (or won’t) have.
This is merely my orthodox opinion. Feel free to reject!

如果你属于一个自由或放纵的社会，容忍滥交，如果你的丈夫也是游戏玩家，那么你的激情问题就解决了！希望你有能力在你的新伴侣身上点燃与你丈夫一样的激情。记住，感受激情是很容易的。在另一场比赛中激发激情完全是另一回事！
我最后的意见是：既然你已经结婚了，不管遇到什么困难，都要和他在一起。感恩他的其他优点。接受你不能（或不会）拥有的东西。
这只是我的正统观点。欢迎拒绝！

Deeksha Chugh
We often confuse love for passion or romantic feelings. Whereas love is much higher. It is not transitory. It is impossible for anyone to feel romantic for someone all the time. There are different situations, different moods etc. In the beginning of the relationship, yes. There is romance and passion. But it soon fades away. Because passion doesn't carry depth.
Love is a deep feeling of concern towards the other ( That's one of the definition, it is obviously much more). If you have that deep concern and compatibility with your best friend, you should stay. Going forward, in old age what will matter is how much you both care for each other. Passion is bound to die.
If you'll get into some other relationship looking for romance, you'll see that it'll fade away soon. Because the very characteristic of mind is that it never feels satisfied in what it has and always hankers for something else.
I personally think the base of any relationship should be care, concern and compatibility with each other.

我们常常把爱与激情或浪漫的感觉混淆。其实，爱的层次要高得多。它不是短暂的。任何人都不可能一直为某人感到浪漫。有不同的情况，不同的情绪等。在关系的开始，是的，有浪漫和激情。但它很快就会消失。因为激情没有深度。
爱是一种对对方的深切关怀（这只是定义之一，显然要多得多）。如果你对你最好的朋友有很深的关心，能和睦相处，你应该留下来。展望未来，到了老年，重要的是你们俩对彼此有多关心。激情注定会消逝。
如果你进入另一段恋情，寻找浪漫，你会发现它很快就会消失。因为心灵的特征是它从不满足于它所拥有的，心灵总是渴望别的东西。
我个人认为，任何关系的基础都应该是相互关心、照顾和和睦相处。

Vincent Guidry
Okay, so you married him because you wanted a change from your old life. You achieved that break, and now you have a new life. You can’t really go back to your old one, it’s gone. Even if you got a divorce and went back it wouldn’t be the same.
My advice to you is to try. Work on yourself and ask what it is that you find attractive in a guy. See if you can get your husband to work towards that role. Is it a big strong guy who can throw you around? A soft, sweet gentleman? A romantic Romeo? Think about what you want, and ask your husband if he can be that person, even if it’s just in the bedroom.
Americans seem to want their sex lives to not require any work. It’s a shame because it leads us to marry the wrong people. Just because the sex works doesn’t mean everything else will work too. There’s no guarantee you’ll be any happier in a relationship that has that easy, effortless spark you’re looking for.
Good luck!

好吧，所以你嫁给他是因为你想改变你的旧生活。你实现了突破，现在你有了新的生活。你不能回到你以前的那个生活了，它不见了。即使你离婚后又回去了，情况也不一样了。
我给你的建议是去经营现在的生活。做做自己的工作，问问自己一个什么样的男人才叫有魅力。看看你的丈夫能不能为这个角色努力。你喜欢的是一个强壮的大个子，可以把你抛来抛去，还是一个温柔的绅士？还是一个浪漫的罗密欧？想想你想要什么，问问你丈夫他是否能成为那个人，即使只是在卧室里。
美国人似乎觉得他们的生活中除了性不再需要别的。这是一种耻辱，因为它导致我们嫁给了错误的人。仅仅因为性爱成功并不意味着其他一切都会成功。没有人能保证你在一段拥有你想要的轻松火花的关系中会更快乐。
祝你好运！
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Sal Anzaldi
Lots of people use the word “ love” when they really mean sexual attraction. Love is when you're wipping someone's butt because they're too sick to do it themselves. That's what my mother did for my father when he was dieing and That's what I did for my mother when she had alzheimers and I had to change her like a baby.
You do things for someone you love you wouldn't imagine doing for anyone else and it isn't very romantic sometimes.

很多人用“爱”这个词来表达性吸引力。爱是你可以为某人擦屁股，因为他们病得太重，自己无法擦。这就是我父亲去世时，我母亲为他做的事，也是我母亲患老年痴呆症时，我为她做的事。我必须像照顾一个婴儿一样照顾她。
你可以为你所爱的人做你想象不到的事，爱有时也不太浪漫。