为什么现在有那么多体面的人单身？

Melissa Myer
Let’s start with the obvious…

让我们从显而易见的事情说起……

We’re pretty boring. We genuinely care about getting to work on time with a clear mind, which means no heavy partying. We want to advance our careers, so we don’t take a lot of impromptu “mental health” days just because we can. We have a good work-life balance, but if forced to choose between fun and responsibility, responsibility wins, each time, all the time. Responsible people = boring people.

我们很无聊。我们真正关心的是以清醒的头脑准时上班，这意味着没有繁重的聚会。我们想提升自己的职业生涯，所以我们不会因为可以，就临时花很多时间来搞“心理健康”日。我们很好平衡工作和生活，但如果被迫在乐趣和责任之间做出选择，责任总是会赢。有责任心的人=无聊的人。

Ranjetta Poobathy
My colleague is the woman of your dreams. She is brainy and excellent at her job. She is stunning too, with perfect hair, teeth and body. She dresses like a goddess to work. She’s a well-adjusted and happy person. She greets every person at work with a smile and a cheery “Hello!” She is definitely more than decent to me. Perfect, in fact.
And here she is, single and “available” at the age of 35. Why is she still single, my colleagues whisper. She’s so beautiful! She could marry any person! She’s too picky! That beauty is not going to last forever! There must be something wrong with her. Men cannot tolerate her for long, perhaps!
Married colleagues remind her that her biological clock is ticking, and she will not be fertile much longer. She is wasting her youth and missing out on too much in life. She needed to prove to the world that she is a woman, and there is only one way to do it. No one bothered listening to the actual reason behind her choice to be single: to be independent.
“I have everything I need for now. I do not need another person to complete or sustain me. I am happy and fulfilled. I may meet someone who will make me happier than I am today. Meanwhile, I will enjoy what I have today,” she once told me. She is decent and happily single, and it is her choice.

我的同事就是你的梦中情人。她聪明，工作出色。她也很迷人，有着完美的头发、牙齿和身材。她上班穿着很女神。她是一个适应能力很强的快乐的人。她以微笑和愉快的“你好”问候每一位上班的人。对我来说，她绝对是非常得体的。事实上，她是完美的。
她现在是35岁，单身且“有空”。我的同事们低声说，为什么她仍然单身。她真漂亮！她可以嫁给任何人！她太挑剔了！这种美丽不会永远持续下去！她一定有什么毛病。男人也许不能容忍她太久！
已婚的同事提醒她，她的生物钟正在滴答作响，她将不再能够生育。她在浪费青春，错过了太多的人生。她需要向全世界证明她是一个女人，只有一种方法可以做到这一点。没有人愿意倾听她选择单身的真正原因：独立。
“我现在需要的一切都已经准备好了。我不需要其他人来成就或支撑我。我很快乐和满足。我可能会遇到一个让我比现在更快乐的人。同时，我会享受今天的一切，”她曾经告诉我。她是一个体面、快乐的单身者，这是她的选择。

Claudia S
I can only speak from a woman’s (and my own) perspective.

我只能从一个女人（和我自己）的角度谈谈。

There are many honest, mature, nice, reliable, loving, funny, single guys out there, who are looking for a serious relationship. Many of the qualities that actually keep a relationship together. The problem is, I didn’t see it, nor did I appreciate these qualities when I was a younger. I considered these guys boring, plain, having no spark, not attractive.

有很多诚实、成熟、善良、可靠、可爱、有趣的单身男人，他们都在寻找一段严肃的关系。他们有许多能真正维系一段关系的品质。问题是，当我还是个年轻人的时候，我没有看到，也没有欣赏到这些品质。我认为这些人很无聊，长相平平，没有火花，也没有吸引力。

I was drawn to guys who caught my attention, and where I felt chemistry. Chemistry doesn’t always mean compatibility. I found myself running after men who were mysterious, outgoing, charming, but emotionally unavailable or having some serious issues with themselves. Who also couldn’t commit to healthy relationships. I followed my desires and didn’t think about the consequences. When you go through that kind of heartbreak and chaos, you either realize 1. these weren’t the kind of men you need in your life, or 2. you wind up being a serial single, never happy with the pickings on the market.

我被吸引到那些引起我注意的人那里，我感觉到了化学反应。但这并不总是意味着相容性。我发现自己在追那些神秘、外向、迷人、但在情感上不受欢迎或自己有严重问题的男人。他们也不能致力于健康的关系。我遵从自己的愿望，没有考虑后果。当你经历那种心碎和混乱时，你要么意识到1.这些不是你生活中需要的那种男人，要么2.你最终成了一个持续单身者，对市场上的人从不满意。

It took me a long time to appreciate men with the qualities mentioned in the beginning. I was at some point a serial dater and was dumping guys when the honeymoon phase was over. I was getting so tired of trying to change or help someone who obviously wasn’t willing or capable, trying to change myself to suit them, and being miserable when things weren’t working out and went south.

我花了很长时间才欣赏到具有开头提到的品质的男人。我在某个时候是个持续约会者，蜜月期结束后我就甩了男人。我厌倦了试图改变或帮助一个显然不愿意或没有能力的人，试图改变自己以适应他们，当事情不顺利并走向失败时，我感到痛苦。

Before I met my husband, it was the longest time in my life that I had been single. This is because I finally stopped thoughtlessly jumping from relationship to relationship. I took a look in the mirror and made the effort to reflect on my patterns and what was really important to me in a relationship. I also went to therapy to work on these points.

在我遇到我丈夫之前，我经历了一生中单最长的一次单身时间。这是因为我不再马不停蹄不假思索地从一段关系投入到另一段关系。我照了照镜子，努力思考我的模式，思考在一段关系中什么对我来说才是真正重要的。我也去了治疗中心解决情感问题。

Therapy was very hard, but it helped. There was so much denial, confusion, anger and frustration. I had always thought I was a decent person worth dating, or even marrying, and could not understand why I kept finding myself in these horrible situations. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was actively seeking out partnerships that reflected my inner struggles. My decisions were harmful and I am indeed an impatient hothead with a low feeling of self worth, combined with having very high, unrealistic expectations for myself and others. How could I love another person properly when I had no love for myself. Unfortunately, I also grew up in an environment that could not provide me with a functional and healthy outlook on relationships, so I had been continuing the tradition of chaos. It was time for a change.

治疗很难，但很有帮助。有太多的否认、困惑、愤怒和沮丧。我一直认为我是一个体面的人，值得约会，甚至结婚，我不明白为什么我总是发现自己处于这种可怕的境地。我必须接受这样一个事实：我正在积极寻找反映我内心挣扎的伙伴关系。我的决定是有害的，我确实是一个不耐烦的暴躁者，自我价值感很低，同时对自己和他人有很高的不切实际的期望。当我没有爱自己的时候，我怎么能正确地爱另一个人呢。不幸的是，我也成长在一个无法为我提供一个健全和健康的人际关系观的环境中，所以我一直在延续混乱的传统。是时候改变了。

I wish other women would give the chill „guy next door“ a chance before they go through as many bad experiences as I did, they can be full of positive surprises. Hopefully others can learn to reflect on themselves as well, realise their strengths and flaws, and work on becoming a better version of themselves. We all make mistakes but they don’t have to define us as a person.

我希望其他女性在经历与我一样多的糟糕经历之前，能给冷酷的“隔壁男人”一个机会，她们可能会得到积极的惊喜。 希望其他人也能学会反省自己，认识到自己的长处和短处，努力成为更好的自己。 我们都会犯错误，但错误并不能将我们定义住。