我怎样才能控制自己的愤怒（三）
How can I control my anger?
译文简介
网友：有很多关于控制愤怒的建议对我都不起作用。我想为它找个合理的解释:我不应该为此生气—失败；试着把注意力集中在其他事情上......
正文翻译
How can I control my anger?
我怎样才能控制自己的愤怒?
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There is a lot of advice out there for controlling anger that really didn’t work for me.
Trying to rationalize it - I shouldn’t be angry about this. FAIL
Trying to focus on other things - Ok I feel angry but let’s look at this nice tree over here so I can feel better. FAIL
Try to be grateful - I am grateful that I don’t live in a 3rd world country with cholera. FAIL
Try to think of a way to use that angry energy in a positive way - I could use this anger to find a solution to this problem instead of dwell in it. FAIL
Try to express myself to the person making me angry in healthy way - It’s called Non-violent communication. Hey, when you do X you really make me angry because I have a need to be X. FAIL
All these things I learned through qualified therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. People with a bunch of credentials and letters after their name. And these strategies were totally useless. Actually for me, they were harmful. I just found myself really angry that they didn’t work. And I just added more people to my list of people to be angry at … namely these idiots who gave me useless strategies and chewed up my time and money.
So what worked? Two things:
有很多关于控制愤怒的建议对我都不起作用。
我想为它找个合理的解释:我不应该为此生气—失败；
试着把注意力集中在其他事情上：好吧，我很生气，但让我们看看这棵漂亮的树，这样我会感觉更好—失败；
试着心存感激：我很感激我没有生活在第三世界的霍乱国家—失败；
试着想一种积极的方式来利用愤怒的能量：我可以利用这种愤怒来找到解决问题的方法，而不是停留在愤怒中—失败；
试着用健康的方式向让我生气的人表达自己：这叫做非暴力交流。嘿，当你做X的时候，你真的让我生气，因为我需要成为X—失败；
所有这些我都是从合格的治疗师、心理学家、精神病医生等那里学到的，而且他们的名字后面冠有一堆证书和信件。这些策略完全没有用，实际上对我来说，它们是有害的。我只是发现自己真的很生气，他们没有效果。我只是把更多的人加入了我的愤怒名单，也就是说，这些白痴给我提供无用的策略，浪费了我的时间和金钱。
那么什么方法起作用？两个方法：
Even if it was irrational. Even if that person was my mom. Even though only a total psychopath would be angry in that context. I didn’t care. If someone made me angry, I would find some quiet time and beat the shit out of them virtually. If I was at work I would go and throw punches in the stairwell or handicapped bathroom.
And after the anger dissipated, I felt a lot better and the anger at that person would be gone. I would often laugh at how silly my anger was. But I had to go through that anger and let myself be angry and let it out before I could find sanity.
b) Express my anger verbally in a safe space
I quickly discovered that the people who said that I could tell them “anything” were not safe people to express my anger with. Therapists, counselors, parents, friends … they were not comfortable at all with me being angry. They tried to take away my anger, to rationalize it, to tell me it was inappropriate for me to be angry. And there are somethings that if you say even with a psychologist that requires them to pick up the phone and call the police. Even if you are just blowing off steam and don’t mean it seriously. I quickly discovered that most of these “safe places” were anything but safe.
But I also found some men’s groups. Like for example healthyrage.com, that are safe. Everyone gets a few minutes to share whatever they want and there is no censorship. No one is allowed to comment on your share, that would be considered cross-talk and that is a big no-no and will get you kicked out of the group. So everyone just keeps the focus on themselves. And when it is my turn I just let it rip. I saw the most awful shit I can think of and let that anger out. And it feels amazing to just have other people support me by listening.
My life is infinitely better since I found these two ways of expressing anger. I am much more fun to around and I am able to better hold onto jobs and relationships. Maybe this will help someone who is failing like I did with “traditional” methods of “controlling” anger :)
a、 一边使劲拍打枕头一边想象着那个惹我生气的人的脸。
即使这是非理性的。即使那个人是我妈妈。即使只有完全的精神变态才会在这种情况下生气，我不在乎。如果有人让我生气，我会找些安静的时间，用类似方法把他们打得屁滚尿流。如果我在工作的话，我会去楼梯间或残障人士专用的浴室挥拳。
当愤怒消失后，我感觉好多了，对那个人的愤怒也就消失了。我经常嘲笑我的愤怒是多么愚蠢。但我必须经历那种愤怒，让自己愤怒，在我找到理智之前发泄出来。
b、在安全的地方口头表达我的愤怒
我很快发现，那些说我可以告诉他们“任何事情”的人都不适合表达我的愤怒。治疗师、咨询师、父母、朋友，我生气时，他们不会让我变得舒服。他们试图消除我的愤怒，使之合理化，告诉我生气是不合适的。如果你对心理学家说，有些事情需要他们拿起电话报警。不过即使我这样说只是在发泄，也不是认真的。我很快发现，这些“安全的地方”大多都不安全。
但我也发现了一些阻止。比如healthyrage.com网站，那是安全的。每个人都有几分钟的时间来分享他们想要分享的任何东西，并且没有审查制度，此时任何人都不允许对你的分享发表评论，否则这将被视为串音，这是一个大禁忌，会把你踢出该组织。所以每个人都把注意力放在自己身上。当轮到我的时候，我就让情绪撕裂，我看到了我能想到的最糟糕的事情，然后把愤怒发泄了出来。此时能有其他人通过倾听来支持我，对此我感到很惊讶。
自从我找到了这两种表达愤怒的方式，我的生活变得无限美好。我周围的人更有趣，我能更好地维持工作和人际关系。也许这会帮助那些像我一样在采用“控制”愤怒的“传统”方法上失败的人。
I allowed myself to live with no controls on my anger for many years. This was the effect of some bad choices in my life. I drank too much used too my drugs ate too much food etc. These things I mistakenly believed would help me deal with life. What happened was I became numb to whom I really was. I lost my inner balance. When I'm not being mindful of myself I am an out of control mindless walking nightmare. To answer your question meditate in all things. Anger if it is controlled is useful. Like any emotion anger is fun exciting dangerous and is useless if it controls you!
Be mindful and seek enlightenment.
多年来，我一直放任自己不去控制自己的愤怒。这是我生活中一些错误选择的结果。我酗酒，吸毒，吃太多的食物等等。我错误地认为这些事情可以帮助我处理生活。事实是，我对真正的自己变得麻木了。我内心失去了平衡。当我不为自己考虑的时候，我就是一个失控的无脑行走的噩梦。要回答你的问题，就要冥想一切事。愤怒如果得到控制是有用的。像任何情绪一样，愤怒是有趣的，刺激的，危险的，如果它控制你是无用的!
留心并寻求启迪。
By quickly determining the consequences in a given situation.
Anger can definitely work for you or against you.
Here’s a quote from the late former POTUS Richard M. Nixon (by memory):
“There are those who may hate you. But those who hate you don’t win unless you yourself hate them. And then you destroy yourself.”
Anger takes on many forms. It can make or break a career. It can clear up anxiety or it can cover you with shame.
通过快速判断给定情况下的结果。
愤怒绝对是可以对你有利的，也可以对你不利。
以下是已故前总统尼克松（凭记忆）的一句话：
有些人可能会恨你。但那些恨你的人不会赢，除非你自己也恨他们。然后你毁了自己。
愤怒有多种形式。它可以决定一个人职业的成败。它可以消除焦虑，也可以让你蒙羞。
Anger is one of the most dangerous emotions, which a human can experience. It is because we lose control of our inner self and do things which we regret later on. It breaks friendship,sours relationship and brings about everything bad in any way imaginable.
Well the good news is that, it is a human emotion and can be controlled and regulated with the use of will power,practice and application of proper techniques.
Here I have suggested some techniques to deal with it.
Isolate yourself : Whenever you feel angry or feel that irritating impulse just separate yourself from your family members and others. Just create some distance. The best thing you can do is to lock yourself in a room for a while and let the steam flow out. You can also punch the pillows if you want, just let it out. It is because you don't want to say things which hurt them and for which you regret later on.
Sweat your anger out: It is a very helpful technique and works very well. Each time you feel the anger coming heavy on you , do some physical exercise such as kickboxing,pushups,burpees,squats, jumping jacks etc. Keep on doing it until you feel too tired to feel angry. Use your anger to your advantage.
愤怒是人类可能经历的最危险的情绪之一。这是因为我们失去了对内在自我的控制，做了一些让我们后来后悔的事情。它破坏了友谊，恶化了关系，并以任何可以想象的方式带来了一切不好的事情。
好消息是，它是一种人类情感，可以通过使用意志力、实践和适当技巧的应用来控制和调节。
在这里，我提出了一些应对方法。
自我孤立：每当你感到愤怒或有那种恼人的冲动时，就让自己与家人和其他人分开，这只是创造出一些距离。你能做的最好的事情就是把自己锁在房间里一段时间，让愤怒清楚蒸发出来。如果你想的话，你也可以在枕头上发泄一下，就把愤怒情绪释放出来。这是因为你不想说伤害他们的话，也不想说那些你后来会后悔的话。
发泄愤怒：这是一个非常有用的技巧，效果很好。每次你感到愤怒时，做一些体育锻炼，如跆拳道、俯卧撑、立卧撑跳 、下蹲、跳高等，一直做下去，直到你觉得太累而感觉不到愤怒为止，利用你的愤怒对你有利。
Eat or drink something : This is also a very good technique. If you feel angry eat something, preferably something sweet or drink a glass of fruit juice or water. An empty stomach can sometimes act as a catalyst in aggravating the emotional outburst. So fill it in.
Listen to rock songs : Sometimes listening to hard rock songs for a while helps in releasing anger.
Remember past experiences of your anger: Another technique which you can use is to recount the past experiences of your anger. Try to recollect: What things you said in your anger ? , How much hurt you caused your family members and others ? and How much guilty you felt afterwards ? Ask yourself : Do I want to feel like that again ? Is it worth it ?
Remember God : If everything else fails, then this is the last resort. Each time you feel angry just remember image of God,hold it for a while and chant a holy verse or mantra if you can. In my case, I keep images of Bal Gopal,Bal Ganesh and Bal Hanuman in my phone. And I look into their eyes each time I feel angry.
深呼吸：每当你感到愤怒和痛苦时，做些深呼吸练习。只要深吸气，屏住呼吸（如果可以的话数到10），然后呼气。这真的很有效。如果可以的话，吟诵一些神圣的诗句，或者在这样做的时候想象一份美丽的记忆、想象一份美丽的形象或神圣的象征。
吃、喝：这也是一个很好的技巧。如果你感到愤怒，吃点东西，最好是甜食，或者喝一杯果汁或水。空腹有时会加剧情绪的爆发。所以请吃东西。
听摇滚歌曲：有时听一段时间摇滚歌曲有助于释放愤怒。
记住你过去的愤怒经历：你可以使用的另一个技巧是讲述你过去的愤怒经历。试着回想：你生气时说了什么，给你的家人和其他人造成了多大的伤害？之后你有多内疚？扪心自问：我想再次有这样的感觉吗？这值得吗？
记住上帝：如果其他一切技巧都失败了，那么这是最后的手段。每次你感到愤怒的时候，只要记住上帝的形象，保持一段时间，如果可以的话，唱一首圣诗或咒语。就我而言，我把Bal Gopal、Bal Ganesh和Bal Hanuman 的照片放在手机里。每次我生气的时候都会看着他们的眼睛。
I have spent significant time on this topic and my conclusion is that nature has instilled a special mechanism in man to control his anger. When angry, all man has to do is observe silence. Anger incites a psychological fire within man and in the towering rage, he is not able to control himself. But when one becomes silent in moments of anger, the rage instantly begins to take a downward trend. So, when someone provokes us, we must simply become quiet.
At all such times, I myself do not react and I have experienced that anger takes no time in subsiding on its own. Reaction leads to chain reaction and not reacting stops the chain reaction but in order to stop chain reaction, one needs power of self-control. Only the spiritually strong can break the chain reaction in a situation involving provocation and rage. It is a sign of great strength. As per a tradition of Prophet Muhammad:
“The strong man is not one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is one who controls himself in a fit of rage”
It has also been alluded in the Quran that one may earn a position in paradise by being forgiving at times of anger:
我在这个话题上花了很多时间，我的结论是大自然已经在人类身上注入了一种特殊的机制来控制他的愤怒。生气时，人们所要做的就是保持沉默。愤怒在人的内心激起一场心火，在极度愤怒中，无法控制自己。但当一个人在愤怒的时刻变得沉默时，愤怒气焰立刻开始呈下降趋势。所以，当有人挑衅我们时，我们必须保持沉默。
在所有这些时候，我自己都不做出回应，我曾经经历过，愤怒很快就会自己平息下来。回应会导致连锁反应，而不去回应会阻断连锁反应，但为了阻断连锁反应，人们需要自我控制的力量。只有精神上坚强的人才能在涉及挑衅和愤怒的情况下打破连锁反应。这是巨大力量的象征。根据先知穆罕默德的传统：“强者不是擅长摔跤的人，而是在愤怒中控制自己的人”。
古兰经中也提到，一个人可以通过在愤怒的时候原谅别人而获得进入天堂的资格。
During 1975, I had written an article for the publication, Al-Jamiat, where I had narrated the story of how I was invited to Ahmedabad by a young Muslim Engineer who had laid his factory there. The Engineer was a very competent person and as he was showing me around the place, he showed me a new kind of machinery which was then produced for export purpose only. While demonstrating the prowess of the machine, he first pushed on a button and its flywheel started rotating on top speed. He then pushed another button and the flywheel immediately changed its direction and started rotating opposite to the previous position. As I saw this, it struck me that when matter (machine) has the quality to change its direction within seconds, then man should have this ability manifold. After this incident, I started training my mind to change my emotion within seconds for when such situation arises.
Hence, in moments of rage when our natural tendency is to speak or react aggressively, we need to instantaneously change the direction of our flywheel and remain silent. Without doubt, the anger shall dissipate and we shall be in a position to prudently handle the situation.
甚至我在早年也会生气，但我的愤怒让我开始自我思考，这让我意识到愤怒不会有任何结果。无论我们多么愤怒，但都没有结果。然后我意识到把精力浪费在愤怒上是徒劳的。
1975年，我为《Al Jamiat》杂志写了一篇文章，讲述了一位年轻的穆斯林工程师邀请我去艾哈迈达巴德的故事，他在那里建厂。工程师是一个非常能干的人，当他带我参观这个地方时，他向我展示了一种新的机械，这种机械当时只服务业出口业务。在展示这台机器的威力时，他首先按下一个按钮，它的飞轮开始以最高速度旋转。然后他按下另一个按钮，飞轮立即改变了方向，开始反向旋转。当我看到这一点时，我突然想到，当物质(机器)具有在几秒钟内改变方向的能力时，人类也应该具有这种能力。在这件事发生后，我开始训练我的大脑在几秒钟内改变我的情绪，以应对这种情况。
因此，在愤怒的时刻，当我们的自然倾向是说话或作出积极回应时，我们需要立即改变飞轮的旋转方向并保持沉默。毫无疑问，愤怒将消散，我们将能够谨慎地处理这种局势。
I was 12 when I shifted to a new city.
During my initial days there, I used to miss my old friends and school a lot, not cause the new school was dreadful but cause everything was changing so quickly.
Eventually I accepted my new life and tried to mix in and settle.
Next year, My mother insisted on me shifting to another school cause it promised better education and facilities.
I was reluctant, again.
Just when I had finally begun finding peace and acceptance, this was happening to me. Nevertheless, I gave in. :/
I clearly remember my first day in the new school. I felt lost, strange, alien to everything, all over again.
The moment I entered my new classroom, everybody started hooting except one or two of them.
我12岁时搬到了一个新的城市。
在最初几天，我经常想念我的老朋友和原先的学校，不是因为新学校太糟糕，而是因为一切都在快速变化。
最终，我接受了我的新生活，并试图融入和安定下来。
第二年，我母亲坚持要我转学到另一所学校，因为它承诺会提供更好的教育和设施。
我又不情愿了。
就在我终于开始寻求平静和接受的时候，我有了愤怒的情绪。尽管如此，我还是让步了。
我清楚地记得我在新学校的第一天。我又一次感到迷茫、陌生和格格不入。
我一进新教室，除了一两个人外，所有人都开始叫喊。
They used to bully us, call us names, inundate us with silence and stares and murmur behind us noiselessly.
Sometimes they'd call us, look at us and start talking among themselves, making us feel like idiots.
I was already struggling with self esteem issues and, due to this, I grew even more secluded, insecure and lonely.
Contrary to my routine of telling my mom what happened at school everyday, now I just used to reply to her, “Nothing happened! Leave it!”
When she used to insist hard, I often became helpless, shouted or cried.
But with continuous support and love and care of both mom and dad, I learned how to embrace the oddities of my life. ??
How can I control my anger at the age of 16?
Find out the main reason behind your anger.
Seek help.
Talk to people you trust the most.
And just believe in yourself and your abilities! ?
渐渐地，我发现他们对每一个新加入他们班的人都是这样。
他们过去经常欺负我们，辱骂我们，让我们陷入沉默，盯着我们，在我们身后无声地低语。
有时他们会呼叫我们，再看着我们，然后开始自顾自的交谈，让我们觉得自己像个白痴。
我已经在与自尊问题作斗争，因此，我变得更加安静、不安全和孤独。
我以前每天都把学校里发生的事情告诉妈妈，而现在我只是回答她:“什么也没发生!别问了!”
当她曾经努力坚持的时候，我常常变得无助，喊叫或哭泣。
但是在爸爸妈妈的持续支持、爱和照顾下，我学会了如何拥抱生活中的 奇异事件。
16岁时我该如何控制自己的愤怒？
找出你愤怒背后的主要原因。
寻求帮助。
与你最信任的人交谈。
相信你自己，相信你的能力!
You don’t have to. Anger is an emotion. Rightly or wrongly, you feel it, often as powerfully as any feeling. What’s more, as a feeling, it doesn’t just “go away,” not on a dime. That’s because it comes from this older fight-or-flight part of the lizard brain, near the brainstem. Thought, itself, involves nerves and electricity but emotions involve chemistry.
You don’t control anger. You experience it. What you control are your actions. One of the problems with making decisions when you’re filled with emotion is the difficulty of thinking while you’re feeling, or at least feeling so passionately. Emotion colors everything.
So, if you’re angry, you have two choices. You can either use it as fuel, to motivate action, or you can be still and let the storm pass. Anger motivates action. Anger gets your blood pumping, your breath shallow, your palms sweaty - everything you need to engage in fight-or-flight.
Decision making doesn’t work well with anger. Sweaty palms and a racing heart don’t help you think through anything. It’s really hard to be rational when you’re that worked up. That’s where the term, blood simple, comes from. One reason murderers get caught is their inability to think smart when they go all berserker.
A crime of passion leaves behind a trail of breadcrumbs.
If you want to “control” your anger, stop feeding the fire. Train yourself to be self-aware of whatever state of mind you are currently in. If you find yourself worked up, ask yourself if you need to take mindless action - like running for your life, fighting for your life, or grabbing your undies as you flee the fire - or use your judgment.
If you need your judgment, the best action is inaction. Let the storm pass. You cannot make rational decisions when you are currently experiencing irrationality.
你不必这么做。愤怒是一种情绪。无论是对是错，你都能感觉到它，通常和其他感觉一样强烈。更重要的是，作为一种感觉，它不会就这么"消失"的，一点都不会。这是因为它来自于蜥蜴脑（ lizard brain）中靠近脑干的“战斗或逃跑”部分。思想本身涉及神经和电流，但情感涉及化学。
你无法控制愤怒。你会体验到的，你能控制的是你的行动。当你清晰爆棚时做决定时面临的问题之一是当你有情绪，或者至少情绪非常强烈时，会发现很难思考，这是因为情感决定一切。
所以，如果你生气，你有两个选择。你可以用它作为燃料，激励行动，也可以保持静止，让风暴过去。愤怒激励行动。愤怒会让你血液沸腾，呼吸急促，手心出汗——这是你战斗或逃跑所需要的一切。
在愤怒中做决定并没效果。手心出汗和心跳加速并不能帮助你思考任何事情。当你非常激动的时候，很难保持理智。这就是“血迷宫”这个词的由来。杀人犯被捕的一个原因是，当他们疯狂时，他们无法思考。
冲动犯罪会留下很多线索
如果你想“控制”你的愤怒，别再火上浇油了。训练自己意识到自己当前的心理状态。如果你发现自己情绪激动，问问自己是否需要采取无意识的行动—比如逃命，为你的生命而战，或者在你逃离火灾时抓着你的内裤或者使用你的判断。
如果你需要判断，最好的行动就是不作为，让暴风雨过去吧。当你正在经历非理性时刻，你是无法做出理性的决定的。
When I’m angry, I go silent. We shouldn’t trust ourselves to speak correct things when angry. People who know me know that I’m angry, so give me space. But not everyone does, right? In which case, I get out of the situation. I go for a walk, I go cook something light, I start sketching something (I’m not to good at it tho, yet I enjoy doing it.), basically anything that calms me down. Two things might happen at this point.
First, I come back after I calm down and discuss the concern with the person involved. (I’ll talk about this in a bit.) Generally people help resolve the issue. If they don’t, it will lead to the second point.
Second, some people do not understand their limit who push me further even when I’ve tried to calm myself. At this point, I let myself out. If you don’t let people know that your patience isn’t your weakness, they’ll walk all over you. And I’m not someone who allows people to walk all over me.
How to share our concern with people few things can be kept in mind to make sure that the situation can be resolved. First, focus on your feelings and issues, rather than what the other person did. It will sound like an attack on them and they will retaliate. However, when we talk about ourselves, the other person has nothing to retaliate, right? “I felt…” “I thought…” and such are the words to be used here. Use humour whenever you can. It lightens up the situation. But in certain situations, it does the opposite work, so at your discretion.
The most important thing, my friend, don’t hold grudges. When we hold grudges, next time when this person does something that we don’t like, we’ll be angrier than before and end up hurting ourselves or them.
当我生气的时候，我会保持沉默。我们不应该相信自己在生气的时候会说正确的话。认识我的人都知道我很生气，所以给我留出空间。但不是每个人都这样，对吗？在这种情况下，我摆脱了这种情况。我去散步，做些清淡的东西，我开始画一些东西（我不太擅长，但我喜欢做。），基本上是些任何能让我平静下来的事情。此时可能会发生两件事。
首先，在我冷静下来并与相关人员讨论问题后，我回来了。（我稍后再谈。）一般来说，人们帮助解决问题。如果他们不这样做，这将导致第二点。
第二，有些人不理解他们的极限，甚至在我试图让自己冷静下来的时候，他们也会把我推向更高的境界。在这一点上，我放开了自己。如果你不让别人知道你的耐心不是你的弱点，他们会对你指手画脚。我也不是那种让别人欺负我的人。
如何与人分享我们关心的可以记在心里的事情，以确保局势能够得到解决。首先，关注你的感受和问题，而不是别人做了什么。这听起来像是对他们的攻击，他们会报复。然而，当我们谈论自己时，对方没有什么可以报复的，对吗？“我觉得……”“我想……”这就是这里要用的词。尽可能使用幽默策略。这使情况变得轻松起来。但在某些情况下，它会起相反的作用，所以由你决定是否采用。
最重要的是，我的朋友，不要怀恨在心。当我们怀恨在心时，下次当这个人做了我们不喜欢的事情时，我们会比以前更愤怒，最终伤害我们自己或伤害他们。