你今天有什么想要忏悔的事情吗？
Whats is a (minor) confession you would like to make today?
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我早上没刷牙。
正文翻译
Whats is a (minor) confession you would like to make today?
你今天有什么想要忏悔的事情吗？
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I have a shopping cart in my back yard.
我的后院里有一个购物车。
那是一个流浪汉留下的，扔在我门前的草地上。他把车子里面的东西都拿走了，所以车子是空的。
这个购物车上面有一个牌子，上面写着电话号码，以及“给这个号码打电话，我们就会回收这个购物车”的标志。这个购物车是一家非常大的连锁超市的，你们应该都听说过。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
那个接电话的人让我描述一下这个购物车。上面有过数字或者单词之类的——我不记得了。于是雇员跟我说这个购物车是离我足足有15英里以外的一所门店里的。我得给那个门店打电话。
真的吗？可是购物车上的牌子上写着让我给这个号码打电话。结果不行，他们不再回收购物车了。让我给另一家打。
我于是给另一家门店打了电话。他们说自己不会过来回收购物车，因为我超出了他们的“回收距离”。我应该带着购物车去距离他们最近的门店。
我带着购物车？兄弟……我告诉你这购物车在哪就已经算是帮了你大忙了。
行吧。给离我最近的门店打电话。
这里的门店说他们不会回收不属于他们的购物车。跟我说要给他们的购物车回收服务部门打电话，这个部门会回收购物车。好，终于有点进展了！
于是我给购物车回收服务部门打了电话。他们说他们会到现场回收购物车，只要我付20美元的话。
啥？！你应该给我钱啊！
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
“你知道私自保留超市购物车是违反城市法律的吧？你可以因此被逮捕的。”
好，谢谢您的建议。
于是鉴于购物车回收部门的建议，我把用于识别的记号从购物车上弄了下来。现在它停在我的后院里负责收集易拉罐。我往上面装了一个易拉罐压缩机。等到车子装满了，我就把里面的易拉罐压扁。当我把35加仑的垃圾桶装满易拉罐的时候，我就把它扔到我的皮卡车上拿去卖钱。我差不多每趟能挣30美元，一年能挣好几次。
I used to as well! When I was in university we were flatting in a rough part of town, and one day we found a shopping cart on the curb outside our house. This was 20 minutes’ walk from the nearest supermarket. It became our wheelbarrow, laundry basket, and occasional chariot when we were drunk.
我以前也有过一辆！上大学的时候我们在城市郊区的地方租了一间房子，然后有一天我们在房子外面的栅栏附近发现了一个购物车。离最近的超市步行也只有20分钟。这辆购物车就变成了我们的手推车和晾衣架，我们喝醉的时候也会变成我们的战车。
等我们搬出去的时候，我们干脆就把购物车放在我们一开始发现它的地方了。两个小时不到它就不见了。
A friend I hadn't talked to in a while hit me up with a DM on twitter and I was like "oh, yay! I haven't talked to them in a long time" only to found out they were pitching their kickstarter, so it made me a little sad.
我有个一段时间没联系过的朋友在推特上私聊我，当时我还想，“噢真棒！我已经好长时间没有跟他联系过了”，但后来才发现他是在给自己搞众筹，所以我有一点点难过。
A friend did this to me right when the pandemic began. Hadn't heard from her in a decade then she messaged me on Facebook, asking how I was, wanting to know if I was doing alright with the pandemic, etc. Was nice to hear from her...until she hit me up to donate to her Kickstarter. I pitched in $20 for some reason, I guess because we had been friends as kids? I dunno. I didn't want to say no. Then I got an email from Kickstarter a few weeks later that the campaign had violated their rules somehow, got my $20 back, and haven't heard from the 'friend' since.
我有个朋友在疫情刚开始的时候也这么做了。已经有十年没收到过她的消息了，然后她突然在Facebook上联系我，问我现在怎么样，想知道我在疫情期间过得好不好。我很高兴听见她的消息…直到她让我给她的众筹捐款。我给她捐了20，可能是因为我们从小就是最好的朋友？我不知道，我只是不想拒绝。几个星期之后我收到了一封邮件，说这个众筹违反了他们的规则，因此我拿到了20美元退款，此后我也再没从这个“朋友”那里收到过消息。
There was a 3 week period of my life where everyday I would purchase a large Dairy Queen blizzard, then park and consume it alone in my car.
我曾经有3个星期的时间，每天都去Dairy Queen买一大杯暴风雪，然后把车停好，自己一个人把这一大杯吃完。
有一天我吃完了我的暴风雪，但是我没吃爽，然而我已经去同一家DQ太多次了，那里的员工都认识我了。于是我没有再去同一家，而是恬不知耻地开了20分钟去了另一家DQ，在那买了一杯。
Currently eating an ice cream sandwich and intentionally concealing it from my 2 year old so he doesn’t demand a bite
现在正在吃一个冰淇淋三明治，故意藏着不让我两岁的儿子看见，不然他又要咬一口。
"It's spicy, you won't like it"
“这个辣，你不喜欢”
Holy shit I got a flashback of deeply burried memories.
我草，深深埋藏的记忆突然开始浮现……
她原来是在骗我……
I could have finished my entire workload today in maybe two hours flat. But I dragged it out.
我今天本可以在大概两个小时之内就干完一整天的活。但是我拖延了。
It's a science. You finish the workload in 2 hours and what do you get for it? More work and the expectation that you'll finish it quickly. But if you drag it out and take your time, less work in the future. I like to finish my work early and then just wait for the boss to ask me where it is, and hand it to him and say I just finished. He's the one dictating how long it should take and I'm meeting those goals.
这是一种科学。你两个小时就干完你的工作，然后你能得到什么呢？只有更多的工作，并且老板还会期待你能飞快地完成这些工作。但是如果你拖延下来慢慢做的话，那么未来你就不会有太多活要干了。我就很喜欢自己提前把工作做完，然后等到老板问我工作做得怎么样了，我再交给他，说我刚干完。他是那个决定我的工作应该多久完成的人，而我是在达成他的期望。
I didn't attend one of my courses when I was studying abroad in Spain. I looked for the classroom on day one, couldn't find it, just didn't go for the rest of the semester. They chalked it up to an administrative error and i got full credit for the program.
我在西班牙留学的时候，有一门课没有上。上课的第一天我去找教室，结果没找到，然后这个学期我就都没去上。他们把这件事算作他们的行政失误，然后给了我整节课的学分。
I did this too! There were absolutely no consequences except that now 5 years later I regularly have nightmares about being at university during finals week and realizing I haven't attended a single class and am going to fail.
我也这么干过！根本没有任何的不良后果，除了五年之后我仍然会做噩梦，梦见自己在上大学而且是考试周，但是我发现自己一节课都没上过，马上就要挂科了。
I used to have these types of dreams too until I started teaching. Now they’re dreams about showing up to class with no lessons prepared or backup worksheets to pass out.
我以前也会做这种梦，直到我自己也开始当老师。现在我的噩梦变成站在讲台上发现自己没备课，也没准备随堂测验了。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I've been browsing reddit for three hours while I'm supposed to be working.
我已经刷了三个小时的reddit了，我本来应该工作的。
Same, but I am supposed to be sleeping.
我也一样，但我本来是应该睡觉的。
Most of the time when I go to the bathroom at work I don't actually have to go to the bathroom, I just wanna sit down for 5 minutes and not get bitched at for it.
在我上班的时候，我去厕所一般都不是因为我真的得去方便，我只是想安静地坐五分钟不被人骂。
i work from home and still do this
我在家工作，但我也会这么做。
If people are still allowed to take smoke breaks, shit breaks should count as well.
如果人们还可以休息一下去吸烟的话，那么休息一下去拉个屎也应该算休息。
An ex of mine wasn't a smoker, but started carrying a pack of cigarettes in her bag so that she too could go for "smoke breaks" outside.
我有个前任自己并不吸烟，但是她的包里会经常放一包烟，这样她上班的时候也可以出去“抽根烟”。
I added up once, at a company I was at, for people who went for cigarette breaks, not only how many times, but how long they were out there shooting the shit. It was also interesting because if one would go, they would all go. Which meant that the heavier smokers were making the lighter smokers actually smoke more. But I figured out it would be about 20-25 days off if I collected the same time and took it at once.
我曾经在之前工作过的一家公司里计算过那些出去抽烟的人抽了几次烟，以及每次抽多久。这一点很有趣，因为只要有一个人愿意出去吸烟，所有人就都会跟着去。这意味着那些吸烟多的人会让吸烟少的人多吸一点。但是我发现如果我把全部的吸烟时长都加在一起，然后一起休息的话，那么我能休大概20-25天的假。
When I worked retail, I’d take a bathroom break once an hour for like 5 minutes. It was the only time besides lunch when I could sit down for awhile. My feet always hurt so bad.
我以前干零售的时候，每小时都会去趟厕所坐五分钟。除了午餐时间之外，那是我唯一能够坐下的时间。我的脚总是疼得要命。
I am the one who clogged the office toilet today.
今天办公室马桶堵了，是我干的。
We had some dude that would grab a triple whopper and large milkshake a couple times a week at work. He wasn’t a small man. You saw the sweat start to form on the brow and about a hour later and he’d waddle off to the toilet. I don’t know how this man did it, but he defied gravity and somehow shat on the underside of the toilet seat with the force of Poseidon’s fury. Also stank up most of a 12,000sq ft facility.
我有个同事，每星期都会点几次三层皇堡和大杯奶昔。他不是什么小个子。你可以看见汗珠开始在他的眉毛上渗出来，过了一个小时他就步履蹒跚地去厕所了。我不知道这兄弟是怎么办到的，但是他无视了重力，以雷霆万钧之势把屎拉到了马桶座圈的背面。12000平方英尺的设施都被他弄得臭味熏天。
我一直都为保洁阿姨潘女士感到难过。
Pam, like all cleaning personnel, has stories she could tell, but doesn’t, because The Knowledge can traumatize people who are not ready to hear of such things.
潘女士，就像所有的保洁人员一样，有很多的故事可以讲，但是她不会讲，因为她那禁忌的知识会给那些没准备好聆听这种故事的人带来创伤。
I let my boss think I'm dumb so he gives me less work
我让老板以为我很蠢，于是他就给我更少的工作。
I let my boss think it takes me WAAAAYYY longer to do my work so that I get less of it. Trust me, it's a lifehack. I say that as a person who was previously overworked and burned out bad.
我让老板认为我需要完成工作的时间非常长，于是我就能少接一点活。相信我，这是个生活小技巧。之前我曾经严重超负荷工作过，把自己累得很厉害。
If I were your boss, I'd be ok with that as long as you make less mistakes than others. Nobody likes a subordinate who works "fast" and makes too many mistakes so others have to clean up.
如果我是你的老板，那么只要你能比别人犯的错误少一些，那么我就觉得没问题。没有人会喜欢一个虽然干活很“快”但是却也会犯很多错误让别人擦屁股的下属。
I have to interview people at work and I think I'm usually way more nervous than they are.
我的工作包括面试其他人，但我觉得自己通常比被面试的人还要紧张。
此外，当面试进行得不太顺利，并且他们自己知道，他们也知道你知道他们自己知道的时候，那才是世界上最糟糕的感觉。你很想给他们一个拥抱，但是这是“不专业的。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Once I'd been on the interviewER side, my advice to people who are nervous about job interviews has always been that the people interviewing you are nervous too, often are thinking about all the other stuff they'd rather be doing, and are just trying to get to know what you're like. The best interviews, in my opinion, are when the conversation just flows naturally and it stops being a direct Q-and-A session.
在我当过一次面试官之后，我对那些对工作面试感到紧张的人的建议就一直都是，那些面试你的人自己也很紧张，他们通常都在想自己本来想做什么别的事情，并且他们也只是想知道你是个什么人而已。最好的面试在我看来就是让对话自由流动，而不是直接的你问我答环节。
I had to interview someone with my boss once. After the interview, my boss complemented my interview technique of leaving gaps in between the interviewees answers and my next question. He said its a good way of putting people under pressure or something like that. Little does he know I actually got flustered and had to keep checking my notes to figure out what questions I had asked and not asked. If he looked at me he'd see my hands were shaking from nerves!
我曾经和我的老板一起面试过别人。在面试结束之后，我的老板夸了两句我的面试技巧，因为我在面试者的回答和我的下一个问题之间留了一段时间。他说这是让别人感到压力的好方法。其实他根本不知道我自己也慌得要命，只能一个劲地检查我的笔记，看我还有哪个问题问了，哪个问题没有问。如果他看我一眼，他就会发现我的手都在紧张得发抖！
I once ate 4 burritos in one day. Woke up, nobody was home, so I bought a burrito. Sister called me hours later saying if I wanted anything from the taco shop, since there were no witnesses I said buy me a burrito. Ate it. Then she left for work or something. Then my brother called, said if I wanted anything from the taco shop, again there were no witnesses so I said, another burrito. Ate it. Then I went drinking with friends. And here in San Diego everybody goes to the taco shop afterwards. So I had another burrito.
我曾经一天吃过四个墨西哥卷饼。早上起来家里没人，于是我买了个墨西哥卷饼。几小时之后姐姐给我打电话问我要不要从墨西哥餐厅带点东西给我，因为家里没人看见我早上吃的什么，所以我跟她说给我买个墨西哥卷饼。我吃了。然后她就去工作了。然后我哥又给我打电话，说他在墨西哥餐厅要不要带点东西给我，还是没人知道我吃了啥，所以我又跟他说给我带个卷饼。又吃了。然后我就跟朋友们出门喝酒了。在圣迭戈，所有人喝完酒都要去一趟墨西哥餐厅，于是我就又吃了个墨西哥卷饼。
The only reason I took my vitamins today its because they are in gummy form.
我今天吃了维生素的唯一原因，是它是软糖。
Thanks for reminding me to take my vitamin.
谢谢你提醒我吃维生素。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
everytime my friend asks me to play valorant with him, i don't actually want to play valorant. I just really like talking to him, he's cool
每次我朋友让我陪他玩瓦罗兰特，我其实都不是想要玩瓦罗兰特。我只是真的很喜欢陪他聊天，他很酷。
Hey i think that's even better. U play with ur friend because u genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
嘿我觉得其实这更棒啊。你陪朋友玩，是因为你真的很喜欢陪他打发时间。
Sometimes the homies sit in a channel an talk shit while only one guy plays, it's actually pretty chill
有时候几个哥们聚在一个频道里，只有一个人在打游戏，剩下的都在扯闲篇。其实真的挺放松的。
i miss the days like this, was always at least me and one other person gaming, with some other friends just hopping in for some fun. now its a few messages a month if i’m lucky
我很怀念这种时光，我和一个人在打游戏，剩下的朋友只是过来唠两句。现在一个月也说不上几句话了。
About half an hour ago I farted really bad in the chip aisle at the supermarket. It was silent but deadly. I got the fuck out of there when I smelled it since there was no one around and no one would know it was me once I cleared the scene. When I looped around to go to the checkout a few mins later there was some kid running around and stops dead in her tracks where I had farted and made the most traumatized disgusted face. Her mother was right behind her and started whisper shouting at her if she had pooped her pants again and she starts saying she didn’t.
大概半小时之前我在超市的薯片区那里放了个特别特别臭的屁。一声不响但是臭得要命的那种。我一闻到味就赶紧跑了，因为旁边没有人，只要我走了就没人知道是我放的。几分钟之后我绕了一圈打算去收银台，我看到有个小姑娘在跑来跑去，跑到我放屁的地方，然后突然就一动不动了，脸上是我见过的最痛苦、最恶心的表情。她的妈妈就站在她后面，轻声问她是不是又拉裤子了，她说她没有。
孩子，我知道你没有。是我放的。可能是因为我吃的金枪鱼三明治。
I wasn’t sick today. I had a hangover.
我今天其实没生病。我只是宿醉了。
Oh man, once I had a hangover for two days. Pretty sure I was just poisoned at that point. I called out of work on a Monday after drinking on a Saturday. I have never been that drunk since, and my stomach still rolls when I recollect it.
哦天哪，我曾经宿醉过两天。可能我都中毒了。周六喝完酒我周一都请了假。我此后再也没那么醉过，而且现在回忆起来我的胃都难受。
I'm so tired with what I'm studying at the university and not because I don't like what I study but because the study center where I am is so mediocre, last week I heard a teacher say "I didn't teach you anything because you already know a lot" and just wtf is that mindset? I feel like I'm paying for a diploma and I hate that.
我大学读得太累了，而且并不是因为我不喜欢自己学的东西，而是因为我所身处的学习环境简直太普通了，上周我听一个老师说“我没教你们什么有用的东西，因为你们已经知道不少了”，这他妈到底是什么思维方式？我感觉自己就是在花钱买一份文凭，我不喜欢这种感觉。
I feel yeah. Im about to graduate and I am mildly panicking over the fact that I have no idea how to actually work in my "field".
深有同感。我马上就要毕业了，现在我也很害怕自己根本就不知道怎么在自己的“领域”去工作。
There’s a huge disconnect between the academic and working worlds. You won’t know how to do your job for the first six months. Then, after a year, you’ll have a clue. A year later and you’ll have it down. Everyone out there already knows this, and won’t think less of you as long as you’re trying.
学术界和工作领域之间实际上存在着巨大的鸿沟。你在刚开始上班的六个月里是不可能知道该怎么完成你的工作的。然后过一年，你可能心里会有点数。再过一年你才能彻底掌握。已经参加工作的所有人都清楚这一点，因此只要你还肯尝试，他们就不会看扁你的。
i struggle to find a good balance between overthinking and reflecting
我很难在自我反省和过度思考之间找到一个好的平衡。
I would like to disappear. Get in my car and drive somewhere. Tell people I'm leaving and will be back, but not telling them where.
我现在很想消失。跳进车里随便开到什么地方。跟朋友们说我要走了，我会回来，但不告诉他们我要去哪。
然后过几个星期再回来。
我很清楚我根本就去不起，但是几个月以来我一直都有这种想法。
I loathe every single person other than one at my current job, and nothing gets me through shifts more than the knowledge that I only have 4 more days there
我痛恨现在这份工作里除了我之外的每一个人，支撑我坚持着继续干完下一班的事实就是我再待四天就能走了。
When no one is watching I’m completely useless. I will lay in bed for 24 hrs without even eating or drinking, just scrolling through Reddit and TikTok. But when there are others around I can be the most productive, healthy, and energetic person you’ve ever met.
没人看着我的时候我就屁用没有。我可以24小时都躺在床上，不吃不喝，刷抖音和reddit。但是身边有人的时候我就可以成为世界上最有生产力，最健康，最有活力的人。
I'm exactly the same... Like I'm only able to live properly for other people, but I can't bring up any motivation to do anything useful for my self when I'm on my own...
我跟你一模一样……就好像我只能活给别人看，但是我独处的时候却不能给自己任何做有用的事情的动机……
the only reason i’m charismatic is because i copy other people’s social behaviours unconsciously
我有魅力的唯一原因，就是我会下意识地模仿其他人的社交行为。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
As I get older, I'm starting to realize that people aren't conveniently divided into "people I'll like" and "people I don't like". People that I first slotted into the former can have traits I absolutely despise, and people that I first slotted into the latter can turn out to have traits I adore.
随着我年龄越来越大，我开始意识到我不能简单地把人们分成“我喜欢的人”和“我不喜欢的人”两类。那些我一开始归类为前一种的人，也会拥有一些让我无比厌恶的特质，但是那些一开始被我归类我后一种的人，也会拥有一些我崇拜的特质。
如果我要把所有做过我不喜欢的事情的人都划掉的话，那我就谁也不认识了。想要成为一个懂得交际的成年人，你就得一定程度上去妥协自己对他人的忍受。
我因为没能早点意识到这一点而有种负罪感。