你如何快速识别一个控制欲强的人（一）

Abinash Mishra, IAS | IIT Kharagpur
They appears to be “too much caring “. If you are getting too much of attention from a stranger then take a pause often and uate
A standard technique they apply is : whenever you ask them anything which you find suspicious they will start blaming you. Blame Game is a great tool they use to divert questioning
To gain brownie points they will slowly instigate you against your closed ones . You start suspecting your closed ones
Most of the manipulators are good communicators. Not the vice versa always though. They know how to extract your thoughts without revealing anything about others .
Most of the manipulators tell emotional stories which are often lie or fictional. You start empathizing and then you fall into trap. When someone tells you such stories from beginning then take a pause
They will again and again say you “how close they are to you” even though you just met them few days ago or have interacted few times before . If you feel that superimposing vibe wait for a while
Most of the manipulators show their real colors only after a while and soon they will ask you for big favours.

他们似乎“太关心人了”。如果你从陌生人那里得到太多的关注，那么 需要经常停下来评估一下
他们采用的一个标准技巧是：无论何时你问他们任何你觉得可疑的事情，他们都会开始责怪你。责备游戏是他们用来转移提问的一个很好的工具。
为了获得印象分，他们会慢慢地怂恿你讨厌你身边亲近的人。你开始怀疑这些亲近你的人
大多数操纵者都是很好的沟通者。反之亦然。他们知道如何提取你的想法而不泄露任何关于他人的信息。
大多数操纵者讲的情感故事往往是谎言或虚构的。你开始产生同理心，然后落入陷阱。当有人从一开始就告诉你这样的故事时，就不要搭理他。
他们会一次又一次地对你说“他们离你有多近”，即使你几天前才见过他们，或者之前已经交往过几次。如果你有那种叠加的氛围，就等一会儿
大多数操纵者只会在一段时间后显示出他们的真实面目，很快他们就会要求你帮个大忙。

Anonymous
I was friends with this guy for a year before he asked me out. I told I’d have to think about it as I never saw him in that light. (In hindsight, it was a pretty stupid response. If you don’t like them that way, then the standard answer is NO.)
After talking to him over the phone and meeting a couple of times, I realized that we’re better off as friends. Apparently he was eager to get into a relationship as he “saw a future with me” because I was “unlike other girls”.
And one day during a phone call, he said these sentences in no definite order:
“I spent so much time trying to talk you into this.”
“We’ll be great together, because I like you.”
“This girl in office has a crush on me.” (He then goes on to describe how well she dresses up, and how she’s so into sitcoms). “But I am not going to encourage her”.
“There was this girl I met on a trip and I swear she had her eyes on me.”
“Why can’t you just give us a chance? Why don’t you feel for me that way? Is there something wrong with me?”

在他约我出去之前，我和他做了一年的朋友。我告诉过我必须考虑一下，因为我从来没有从那种场合见过他。（事后看来，这是一个相当愚蠢的回应。如果你不喜欢那种方式见面，那么标准答案是不去。）
在与他通过电话交谈并见过几次面后，我意识到我们最好还是做朋友。很明显，他渴望和我开始一段感情，因为他“看到了和我的未来”，因为我“不像其他女孩”。
有一天，在一次电话中，他说了以下句子，没有明确的顺序：
“我花了这么多时间想说服你。”
“我们在一起会很好，因为我喜欢你。”
“办公室里的这个女孩迷恋上了我。”（然后他继续描述她打扮得有多好，以及她怎么这么喜欢情景喜剧）。“但我不会鼓励她”。
“我在旅行中遇到了一个女孩，我发誓她一直盯着我。”
“为什么你不能给我们一个机会？为什么你对我没有这种感觉？我有什么问题吗？”

Do you see the pattern? Everything is about him. How he invested so much time, how he thinks something is wrong with him (Even after being told many times, that there isn’t), how he’s the victim of unrequited love.
Oh and one day, when he was with his friend and I happened to call, he received it, told me he was this friend, and even told that he’ll call me once he’s about to reach my house, and then hung up.
We had no plans whatsoever, of meeting that day.
I kept wondering. Why should he make it look like that when it isn’t?
When I asked him later about it, he simply told this:
“I don’t remember having said anything like that.”
You want to identify a manipulator quickly?
They’re always the victims.
They goddamn lie and distort the truth. You’ll know one version of the truth and others will know another fabricated version of the truth.

你看到规律了吗?一切都围绕着他。他怎么投入这么多时间，他怎么觉得自己有问题(即使被告知很多次，他没有)，他怎么成为单恋的受害者的？
哦，有一天，当他和他的朋友在一起时，我碰巧给他打了电话，他接到后，告诉我说他是我的朋友，甚至说他一到我家就会给我打电话，然后就挂了。
那天我们没有任何见面的计划。
我一直想知道。为什么他要让事情看起来像那样?
后来我问他这件事时，他只是告诉我：
“我不记得说过那样的话。”
你想快速确定操纵者吗?
他们总是受害者。
他们该死的撒谎，歪曲事实。你会知道真相的一个版本，其他人会知道有关真相的另一个虚构版本。

Pedro Miranda, worked at Goldman Sachs

佩德罗·米兰达，在高盛工作

Every crook is charming.
I was told this early on my career and it saved me a lot of headache. Whenever I come across someone new who I haven’t done business before I stay on guard. The more pleasant and charming they come across the less likely I am to do a deal with them.
If you read interviews by victims of Bernie Madoff (convicted fraudster) there is a constant word they use to describe him: charming.
Not every charming person is a con-man, but it is impossible to be a con-man without being charming.

每个骗子都富有魅力。
我在职业生涯早期就被告知这一点，这让我省去了很多麻烦。每当我遇到一个没有和我谈过生意的人，我都会保持警惕。他们越讨人喜欢，越有魅力，我就越不可能与他们达成协议。
如果你读过伯尼·马多夫（BernieMadoff，被判欺诈罪）受害者的访谈，他们经常用一个词来形容他：富有魅力。
不是每个有魅力的人都是骗子，但是如果没有魅力了，就不可能成为骗子。

Rafael Eliassen, Went from crippling social anxiety to being charismatic.

拉斐尔·埃利亚森，从极度的社交焦虑变成了魅力四射
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

They victimize themselves — whenever they fail to perform they will become the victim. “I can’t repay your favor. Don’t you know how severe my life situation is?”
They will villainize you — along with becoming a victim they will make you the villain. “How inhuman are you to put a burden on me during this time?”
They are pathological liars — they will lie about small stuff like meeting a celebrity or false accomplishments. And will continue to lie on it even when they are exposed.
They pretend to be good — they will boast about their big-heart with a smile while their actions are always opposite. They appear helpful without ever helping anyone.
They will take your credit — when you are being praised for your work, they shift that praise onto themselves.“Oh, yes I gave him this brilliant idea”
They will label you inferior — they will label themselves superior and you, inferior. They will make you feel debted that a high-quality person is spending time with someone like you.
They gaslight you — when you call out on their manipulative behavior, they will label you emotionally unstable. They will make you doubt your sanity.
They undermine your problems — when you list them your problems and ask for support, they inflate and list their problems. “I know it’s hard without money. I was turned down my raise recently”
They will step-over you — in order to save their social image, they will destroy yours. When they are made fun of, they will shift social attention by making fun of you.

他们自欺欺人——每当他们表现不好时，他们就会成为受害者。“我不能报答你的恩惠。你不知道我的生活有多艰难吗？”
他们会把你变成恶棍——在成为受害者的同时，他们会把你变成恶棍。“在这种时候，你把负担加在我身上，这是多么不人道啊!”
他们是病态的说谎者——他们会在遇到名人或虚假成就等小事上撒谎。即使被曝光，他们也会继续撒谎。
他们假装善良——他们会微笑着吹嘘自己的宽宏大量，而他们的行为总是相反的。他们看起来乐于助人，却从不帮助任何人。
他们会把你的功劳据为己有——当你因工作受到表扬时，他们会把这种表扬转嫁到自己身上。“哦，是的，我给了他这个好主意”
他们会给你贴上低人一等的标签——他们会给自己贴上高人一等的标签，给你贴上低人一等的标签。他们会让你觉得一个高等人花时间和你这样的人在一起时你亏欠他人。
他们PUA（心理操控使人产生自我怀疑）你——当你对他们的操纵行为大发雷霆时，他们会给你贴上情绪不稳定的标签。他们会让你怀疑自己的理智程度。
它们逐渐损害你的问题——当你把你的问题列出来并寻求支持时，他们夸大并列举他们的问题。“我知道没有钱很难，但最近我被拒绝加薪了”
他们会超越你——为了保存他们的社会形象，他们会破坏你的形象。当他们被取笑时，他们会通过取笑你来转移社会注意力。

Anonymous
You won’t be able to quickly identify a good manipulator but, with some guidance, you’ll be able to spot a potential manipulator.
It is a very different thing.
That’s what I usually do when I’m trying to manipulate someone:
Smile: when I am being manipulative I always have a very open, real and friendly smile on my face. You can recognize a true smile from a fake smile almost instantly - thank you evolution - so I would be in danger if I could not smile friendly and for real.
Can you spot it, right?
Always supportive: I am always, ALWAYS, supportive and full of empathy to the person I am speaking with. She open up to me, tells me her secrets and her thoughts without having to even ask.

你无法快速识别一个好的操纵者，但通过一些指导，你将能够发现一个潜在的操纵者。
这是一件非常不同的事情。
当我试图操纵某人时，我通常会这样做：
微笑：当我控制别人的时候，我的脸上总是有一个非常开放、真实和友好的微笑。你几乎可以立刻分辨出真正的微笑和虚假的微笑—感谢进化—所以如果我不能友好而真诚地微笑，我会有危险。
你能发现它吗?。
总是支持：我总是，总是支持并对与我交谈的人充满同情心。她向我敞开心扉，甚至不用问就告诉我她的秘密和想法。

Neutrality: I never take sides. Never. If you take sides, you’re dead. I always strive to maintain neutrality whenever possible, without saying anything that could hurt the person I’m trying to manipulate. My body language, on the other hand, is saying that I am by their side and I am a friend, not a foe.
Never be too direct: I will not take any decision if I don’t want to. You’ll take it for me and, what’s more important, you’ll be proud of the decision you just took. I will say my point in an indirect way, the person who is listening to me usually, after some encouragement, takes action (most of the time they take the action that I would want them to take) and feel proud about their own cleverness.
Expect to gain an advantage: usually when I try to manipulate someone or some situation I expect to gain an advantage, almost always in the form of power. Having a clear goal in your mind is paramount at this stage. After you have your obxtive, you work your way until you reach it. Manipulation is always performed by a person to gain power over other people or over an organization. It doesn’t always work though!
That’s it.

中立：我从不偏袒任何一方，从不。如果你选边站，你就死定了。只要有可能，我总是努力保持中立，不会说任何可能伤害到那个我试图操纵的人的话。另一方面，我的肢体语言是在说，我支持他们，我是他们的朋友，而不是敌人。
永远不要太直接：如果我不想做任何决定，我不会做任何决定。你会为我做决定，更重要的是，你会为你刚才做出的决定感到骄傲。我将以间接的方式表达我的观点，听我讲话的人通常会在得到一些鼓励后采取行动（大多数时候他们会采取我希望他们采取的行动），并为自己的聪明感到自豪。
期望获得优势：通常当我试图操纵某人或某些情况时，我期望获得优势，几乎总是以权力的形式。在这个阶段，心中有一个明确的目标是至关重要的。在你有了目标之后，你就按照自己的方式努力，直到达到目标。操纵总是由一个获得对其他人或对组织的权力的人来执行。但它并不总是有效！
就是这样。

PS: I don’t feel proud about my manipulative attitude and I am trying to limit it and to unlearn this behavior. I answered this question because I felt I was a “master” manipulator.
1st EDIT: wow, I’m completely overwhelmed by your responses, thank you very much. I’d like to reply to all the questions made in the comments area here, to make the answer visible to anyone.
Being nice with people or good listener does not mean you are a manipulator!
It only means you have a gift, a rare and precious gift that you should use to make people feel good.
Manipulation is a mean to an end.
Manipulation is a learned skill. I learned it growing up as a response to a lack of self esteem and fruitful relationships with healthy individuals. At first I didn’t know I was manipulating people, I only discovered it when I went into psychotherapy for my self esteem disorder.

附言：我对自己控制欲强的态度并不感到骄傲，我正试图限制它，并忘记这种行为。我回答这个问题是因为我觉得自己是一个“操纵大师”。
第一次编辑：哇，你们的回答让我不知所措，非常感谢。我想在这里的评论区回答所有的问题，让任何人都可以看到答案。
与人友好相处或善于倾听并不意味着你是一个操纵者！
这只意味着你有一种天赋，一种罕见而珍贵的天赋，你应该用它来让别人感觉良好。
操纵是达到目的的手段。
操纵是一种习得的技能。我在成长过程中学会了这一点，这是对缺乏自尊和与健康人建立富有成效的关系的一种回应。起初我不知道自己在操纵别人，直到我去接受心理治疗治疗我的自尊障碍时我才发现。

Neil Eisenberg, BA in Psychology
You requested a “quick” technique to recognize a manipulative person.
If the person talks too much and tries to dominate the conversation with their words, it is because they are trying to monopolize your thought processes. A manipulator will always try and out-talk you by constant dominance of a conversation.
This is the fastest and simplest way to recognize a manipulating person. There are of course other definitive ways, but you cannot manipulate another if you don’t dominate them in one way or another.

你需要一种“快速”的技巧来识别一个善于操纵的人。
如果这个人说得太多，试图用自己的话来控制谈话，那是因为他们试图垄断你的思维过程。一个操纵者总是试图通过不断主导对话来说服你。
这是识别操纵者的最快、最简单的方法。当然还有其他决定性的方式，但如果你不以这样或那样的方式支配另一个人，你就无法操纵他们。

Anubhav Jain, A simple human | Entrepreneur | Author
Too much misearable, as if the burden of the entire world lies upon their head. They appear to be the most miserable person on the planet. Your every genuine excuse would be confronted by one of their other misery.
One who finds you perfect, only compliments you, takes you to the top of the world through some amazing polishing of your ego. They don't strengthen your self-worth but ego, and a strong ego makes one vulnerable to being manipulated.
Too much lucrative schemes, offers and opportunities. The instant red flag of a manipulator. Why would someone bear a loss to give you profits? I am sure they have a family to feed. Don't expect magic in life; it may be just another spell cast on you. Your short term profits may be their long term profit.
They won't listen at all to your point of view or reasons. No matter how many times you try to speak, they will give an excellent argument against your opinion. A genuine person would always value your thoughts and not push themselves upon you.
Multiple reasons support their arguments. Sometimes intersecting, sometimes contradictory. They don't have one strong and genuine reason but a list of reasons to push their thoughts.
Emotional blackmailers, your refusal to one of their little wishes may result in warning you of breaking the relation or hurting themselves.
Extreme changes in opinions. Till yesterday they were blatantly criticising you, and today you are the best among the rest; maybe tomorrow, you will be the worst among the bad.

太惨了，仿佛整个世界的重担都压在他们的头上。他们似乎是这个星球上最悲惨的人。你每一个真正的借口都会面临另一种痛苦。
一个发现你完美的人，只会赞美你，通过通惊人的打磨你的自我意识，带你登上世界之巅。它们不会增强你的自我价值，而是增强你的自我，而强烈的自我会使你容易被操纵。
太多有利可图的计划、优惠和机会。操纵者的危险信号。为什么有人会为了你的利益而承受损失?我相信他们有家人要养活。不要期待生活中有奇迹;这可能只是你身上的另一个咒语，你的短期利润可能给他们带来长期利润。
他们根本不会听你的观点或理由。不管你试着说多少次，他们都会对你的观点进行很好的反驳。一个真正的人总是重视你的想法，而不是把自己的意见强加给你。
有多种理由支持他们的论点。有时相互交叉，有时相互矛盾。他们没有一个强有力的真实的理由，而是推动他们想法变为现实的系列理由。
情绪化的勒索者，如果你拒绝了他们的一个小小愿望，你可能得到警告——你在破坏你们之间的关系或伤害到他们自己。
观点的极端变化。昨天，他们还公然批评你，今天你就是所有人中最好的；也许明天，你又会成为最坏的人。

Dushka Zapata, I also write about life on Instagram (@dushkaamateur.)
To quickly recognize a manipulative person I look in the mirror.
Tell me Dushka. Have you ever uttered the words, “please call me when you get there or I will worry?”
Or “please promise me you will wear a helmet or I won’t be able to sleep?”
Have you ever said anything like “you can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your broccoli?”
Have you ever in your life omitted part of a story “to avoid hurting someone” with the whole truth?
Have you ever yelled, “you are so fucking stubborn!” to someone frustratingly intent on doing things his way instead of your way?
The most harm you can do to yourself is to be the one you lie to. To live convinced that you are faultless, the victim, that it’s the other who is evil, the predator, the perpetrator, the enemy.
The only way to recognize a manipulator in someone else is to first recognize and accept it in myself.

为了快速识别出一个善于操纵的人，我照了照镜子。
告诉我，Dushka。你有没有说过这样一句话：“你到了那里请给我打电话，否则我会担心的？”
或者“请答应我你会戴上头盔，否则我会睡不着？”
你有没有说过“如果你不吃西兰花，就不能吃甜点？”
在你的生活中，你是否曾经为了“避免伤害别人”—没有告知全部真相，而只是选择省略了故事的一部分？
你有没有对某人大喊过：“你他妈的太固执了！”令人沮丧地是：一心想按他的方式做事，而不是按你的方式？
你能对自己造成的最大伤害就是成为那个被你欺骗的人。相信自己是完美无缺的，你是受害者，别人才是邪恶的，是掠夺者，是行凶者，是敌人。
要识别别人身上的操纵者迹象，唯一的方法就是首先是识别并接受这些迹象存在于自己身上。

JH Simon, Wrote 'How To Kill A Narcissist' & 'Narcissism To Rebirth'

JH Simon写了《如何杀死自恋者》和《自恋重生》

Use your body wisdom.
We all know a manipulative person when we see them — in our gut. Something about them feels off, but this lingers just below our conscious awareness.
Keeping it below the surface is our mind. The ego is a needs meeting machine. That is all it cares about. If you have a strong need for approval, connection and significance, then you will overwrite your gut and drive yourself toward a manipulative person, even when it harms you in the long-term.
We do such foolish things because manipulative people, in order to have their way with us, pay close attention to what we seem to crave, and they lavish us with it. Your ego, which knows you are starving for these things, will convince you to push your gut feeling down and to cooperate with the manipulative person. A manipulative person will make you the centre of their world (significance), will listen to what you have to say (connection), and will shower you with compliments while agreeing with what you say (approval). When they have you sufficiently softened, they extract what they need.
So to quickly recognize a manipulative person, you need a two-prong strategy:
Be conscious of the divide between the ego trying to fulfil needs, and the reality beneath the surface.
Identify what your core needs are and develop a deliberate and healthy strategy to get them met.
Need connection? Join a social group of like-minded people or attend a class you’re interested in.
Need approval? Work on developing a friendship in which you are brutally honest with each other but also supportive of what the other person does. Agree to offer approval to each other, but only when it is earned and warranted. This requires a willingness to be equal and a healthy sense of shame.
Need significance? Think about ways you can contribute to the world which provides value to others. It is lovely when someone compliments you and builds you up for no particular reason, but it is far more satisfying when someone acknowledges the hard work you put into offering value to the world. Always do it for the love, but don’t hesitate to appreciate the love that comes back your way.
When your core needs buckets are filled, your ego is no longer driven by survival. It relaxes, and stays out of the way when your gut screams at you that the person you are dealing with has impure intentions.
More information on recognizing covert manipulation: How To Recognize A Covert Narcissist

运用你的身体智慧。
当我们看到某人时，我们直觉会告诉我对方一个善于操纵的人。他们身上的某些东西让人感觉不舒服，但这种感觉只是停留在我们的意识之下。
隐藏在表面之下的是我们的思想。自我是一台满足需求的机器，这就是它所关心的一切。如果你对认同、联系和重要性有强烈的需求，那么你会重塑你的直觉，把自己推向一个善于操纵的人—即使长期来看这会伤害你。
我们做这些愚蠢的事情，是因为有控制欲的人为了让他们对我们为所欲为，密切关注我们似乎渴望的东西，他们会让我们得到它。你的自我意识，知道你渴望这些东西，会说服你放下你的直觉，与控制欲强的人合作。控制欲强的人会让你成为他们世界的中心(重要性)，会听你说什么(联系)，会在同意你说的话时对你大加赞赏(认可)。当他们让你足够舒缓压力时，他们就会提取他们需要的东西。
因此，要快速识别一个善于操纵的人，你需要实施双重证明标准的策略：
意识到试图满足需求的自我意识与表面下的真实自我之间的分歧。
确定你的核心需求是什么，并制定一个深思熟虑的健康战略来满足这些需求。
需要连接吗？加入一个志同道合的社会团体或参加一个你感兴趣的课程。
是否需要批准？努力建立一种友谊，在这种友谊中，你们要对彼此坦诚，但也要支持对方的行为。同意互相认可，但只有当它是应得的情况下。这需要平等的意愿和健康的羞耻感。
需要意义？想一想你能为这个世界做出贡献的方式，为他人提供价值。当有人赞美你并没有什么特别的原因来培养你时，这是令人愉快的的，但当有人承认你为向世界提供价值所付出的努力时，这会让人更加满意。永远为爱而做，但是不要犹豫，要珍惜爱，它会回到你的身边。
当你的核心需求桶被填满时，你的自我不再被生存所驱动。当你的直觉告诉你这个人有不纯洁的意图时，你的自我会放松，并不再影响你。
更多关于识别隐性操纵的信息：如何识别隐性自恋者。