你有五分钟的时间准备迎接一名闯进你家想要杀死你的人。你不能离开房间。你的生存策略是什么？
You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?
译文简介
评论区大致分为：真正的美国人™派，智勇双全派和脱个一丝不挂整活派
正文翻译
You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?
你有五分钟的时间准备迎接一名闯进你家想要杀死你的人。你不能离开房间。你的生存策略是什么？
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Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.
把淋浴器打开。不知道为什么我衣柜后头有一把铁锹？所以拿起来。等他去看淋浴器，就用铁锹给他一下子。梆。
The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary obxtive is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.
铁锹真的太不受重视了。等你的主要任务完成之后，你就可以出去挖坑了。
Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.
用胶带绑几把刀子到落地灯的灯罩上，造一把致盲之枪，然后疯了一样开捅。
Spear of blinding is a severely underrated weapon AND band name
致盲之枪是被严重低估的武器名，以及乐队名
Spear of Blinding
致盲之枪
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
+5精神 +100干他妈的
Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lmao. Take my upvote
我现在脑补出了一个裸男拿着那把致盲之枪一边喊一边冲向闯入他房间的人，笑死我了。给你点个赞。
Sadly improvised weapons only do about 1d4 damage
可惜简易制作的武器只能造成1d4的伤害
I'm just imagining you running at the murderer with your blinding spear and you both freeze in confusion when the lamp unplugs long before you get to them.
我只是想象了一下你拿着你的致盲之枪冲向杀手，然后你的落地灯插头掉了，你俩都愣在原地了。
Corner camp with a shotgun
拿喷子蹲墙角
FUCKING CAMPER YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD BRO
操你妈的蹲逼不会玩别玩
Don't forget the claymores.
别忘了阔剑地雷。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Peeking with an AWP is more effective
用大狙Peek显然更有效。
Yeah this definitely doesn’t seem like a US oriented question lol
太对了这显然不是给美国人提的问题哈哈哈
It's not camping, it's aggressively waiting.
这不是蹲逼，这是进攻性等待。
Imagine getting shot and your killer does Fortnite dances over your dying body
想象一下你被一枪崩死，然后杀你的人在你的尸体上跳堡垒之夜里的舞
Imagine dying while calling your killer a n00b
想象一下临死之前说杀死你的人是个菜逼
Go into third person perspective
切换到第三人称视角
crouch wiggling left and right
一边蹲着一边左右晃
I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.
我在另一个房间把吸尘器准备好。等他一进来我就把吸尘器打开让他分心，然后在他检查吸尘器的时候我就跳出来，用我留着当武器的2英寸钢管给他的脑瓜子狠狠来一下。
Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room
往我的脑袋上放个灯罩，然后站在房子角落
Ah yes, a classic of the adult film industry
太对了，成人电影行业的经典
What are you doing, step lamp?
你在做什么，后灯？
Works if you're mostly a leg.
如果你浑身就是条腿的话说不定管用。
而且是一条好腿。
Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.
烧上热水。他会被泼一脸的开水，同时与我拥有的最锋利的刀来一次亲密接触。
add sugar to that water and you are now golden
往水里放点糖，你就无敌了
Prison napalm
监狱自制凝固汽油弹
Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.
没错，最好是往开水里再放点糖和盐。糖是用来增加烧伤系数，让你能烧到肌肉而不只是皮肤，而大量的盐能够带来我们乐意见到的更剧烈的刺痛。
Add some carrot and an onion for flavor.
再加点胡萝卜和洋葱提味。
Wait how does this help
等等放糖为什么有用
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I’m fairly sure the sugar makes it adhesive
我很确定糖会让开水变得有粘性
所以现在糊在你脸上的就是100摄氏度的浆糊了。
yep, it sticks and brings your melting skin with it
没错，它会糊在你身上，并且会带着你融化的皮肤一起淌下来。
How much sugar are we talking about? Like, fully saturated mixture? Keep adding more until it stops dissolving?
最好加多少糖？就，完全饱和的溶液？一直加直到停止溶解？
just to get it thick enough to make it like a watery gel, the more you add the stickier it gets. Its all personal preference really
一直倒糖，直到变成凝胶一样的状态就行。你加的糖越多，它就越粘稠。全看个人喜好。
Right idea, wrong liquid. Heat up oil. Oil burns are so much worse and will cling to the attacker.
想法不错，液体错了。应该烧油。热油造成的烫伤要严重的多，并且也能挂在袭击者身上。
Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.
给我的霰弹枪上好子弹，然后在地板上铺一张大塑料布。然后等着就行了。
Smart. Keep the cleaning bill low.
聪明。省了一笔打扫的费用。
Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.
去我自己的房间，拿起我的手枪，对我自己开一枪以避免进行任何社交的可能性。
"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre
“他人即地狱。”——让-保罗·萨特
The only correct response
唯一正确的回应
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Adolf is that you?
阿道夫，是你吗？
My husband said why wouldn’t they shoot the attacker, I said cause then they’d have to deal with the police. I approve, my husband on the other hand does not.
我丈夫说为什么他们不开枪打死那个袭击者，我说那样他们就得跟警察打交道了。我同意，我丈夫不同意。
Why not just stand in front of the door they're coming in through and shoot them the moment they get through?
为什么不站在他们进来的正门口，等他们一进来就冲他们开枪呢？
Good grief man, do you have ANY idea how many questions the cops would be asking????
我的天哪兄弟，你到底知不知道警察会问你多少问题？
heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start.
呵呵……我是个美国人。我有五分钟的时间做准备。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
反正不管怎么着，我就开始突突了……
Make sure he gets inside the house a bit before you blast him. Looks fishy if the guy is outside and you have to drag him in.
你得确保他走进你家的门，然后再把他崩了。要是那人还没进门呢你硬把他拖进来，那看起来可能会有点可疑。
Hollow points already loaded dudes fucked
空尖弹已经装好了，丫等着倒霉吧。
Plenty of time to drink a beer or two first.
甚至有时间喝一两瓶啤酒。
Right?! like, a WHOLE 5 minutes?! a whole 5 minutes is a long time in American home defense time.
对吧？！就，整整五分钟？！整整五分钟对于美国人捍卫家庭的时间来说可太长了。
Right, this is the most softball question if you're American.
太对了，对于美国人来说这真的是最直球的问题了。
“哦，不好说，可能我就直接拿起公寓门口的枪看看接下来怎么着吧。”
It would take me about 90 seconds to put on the body armor…man I should bring that upstairs.
我可能需要花90秒的时间把防弹衣穿上……哎我就应该把它带上楼的。
Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.
拔出我14英寸长的假屌，将他殴打至死。
Pull it out of where, exactly?
从哪拔出来的？
Hairspray and a lighter to his face.
冲他的脸喷发胶，以及打火机。
My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.
我丈夫肯定很喜欢你。苍蝇拍不管用的时候，他就会这么把虫子给烧死。我曾经吓得半死，害怕他把窗帘给燎了。
lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this
先把我家狗锁起来，因为我不想让他们见到
脱个一丝不挂，然后浑身涂满橄榄油
轻轻地把一柄刀子塞进我的后门，当然是把手朝上塞进去
关掉所有的灯
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
杀手进来的时候，我只把我们两个人所在的屋子的灯的打开
他们都蒙了。他们甚至可能会笑出来。他们没准备好……
我大喊一声朝他们跑去，他们还是觉得没有威胁
跑到两尺之内，我就从后面宝刀出鞘，刺向杀手的喉咙
What if you did a like 720 and slit his throat with the knife in your ass?
你要是做个空中720度转体然后屁股夹着刀子把他们的喉咙划开岂不更帅？
place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course
引用：“轻轻地把一柄刀子塞进我的后门，当然是把手朝上塞进去”
感谢你特别指出
Do you take the blade out of your ass, or do you stab him bumblebee style?
你是把刀子从屁股里拔出来，还是直接像蜜蜂那样捅他？（译注：蜜蜂我真绷不住了）
Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him
用马其顿语大喊乱七八糟的骂人话，然后一边扔东西一边用吸尘器的管子打他
Get the gun and dial 911.
拿起枪，然后打911
Real AmericansTM dial 1911
真正的美国人™都打1911（译注：M1911，著名手枪）
Get the 1911 and dial gun.
拿起1911，然后打枪
As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."
正如一名睿智的工程师曾经说过的，“我该怎么阻止某个狗娘养的在我的后背开一个大口子？”他的回答是，“答案是拿一把枪。如果不管用，就多拿几把枪。”
laughs in American
用美式英语放声大笑
American:"Fucking FINALLY"
美国人：“他妈的可算等着了”
Haha. Yeah, this question took me a second. Like, “what else would you do besides grab your gun???”
哈哈。太对了。这种问题让我愣了一秒钟。我想，“除了拿起枪还有别的选项吗？”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
We'd take too long to decide which one to use
我们可能要花太长时间考虑用哪吧。
I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.
我用沙发的那把枪。不行的话就书架上那把。还不行的话就厨房里那把。再不行就卫生间，卧室，或者洗衣间那把。我还是比较喜欢卧室那把。
This guy Americas!
这家伙够美国！
Who says I want to survive? Dude can go ahead.
谁说我想活着了？让那哥们自便吧。
"Make it quick. I haven't got all day!"
“整快点，我没一整天跟你耗！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I live in the US of A. I've been preparing for this moment my whole life.
我在美利坚合众国生活。我这辈子都在准备着这一刻。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I'm going to unlock the door, first off, no sense wasting money on fixing whatever damage the idiot does, then I'm going to spend about four minutes and fifty seconds desperately trying to teach my dogs about "restraint". I may take some time to put down newspaper or towels where I think most of the blood will wind up.
首先我要把打开，省得那帮蠢货把我的门砸坏了我还得花钱修，然后大概花4分钟50秒的时间尽量教会我的狗怎么学会“克制”。我或许得在血最有可能溅出来的地方铺上点报纸或者毛巾之类的。
上次这种事情发生的时候我不在家。两个男的闯进了我家，对我的租客造成了威胁。当时我养的狗，尽管不是我现在养的了，还是把那两个人送进了医院。我现在养了四只狗，加起来总重超过500磅，最大的两只狗之前经历过这种事。
此外，我自己也长得跟食人魔差不多，我块头很大，并且经常“干农活”，任何在农场里住过的人都知道这会让你锻炼出特别的力量。我还有一大堆的剑，斧头，矛之类的，所以我发自内心地祝愿任何试着闯进我家的人好运。我希望他们闯的时候别落下什么永久性的残疾。
I throw a chair at him
我朝他仍把椅子。
然后再扔一把。
Now he has two chairs, so he'll feel silly if he came alone, and will leave of embarrassment.
现在他就有两把椅子了。所以他会因为自己一个人来的而感到羞耻，在尴尬中离开。
People are talking about guns and stuff, I'd put on a Halloween mask and have a chain saw. He'd shit his pants 100%
大伙都在说枪什么的，我戴个万圣节面具再拿个链锯，他100%会把屎都吓出来。
Zastava M70 (Hungarian AK-47 variant) with two loaded magazines, a Taurus 856 .38 revolver with hollow points, and a baseball bat. I won't be trapped in a house with them, they'll be trapped in a house with me!
扎斯塔瓦M70（匈牙利的AK-47），两个压满的弹匣，一把装上空尖弹的Taurus 856 .38口径左轮，再戴一顶棒球帽。不是我被和他困在一个房子里，是他被和我困在一个房子里！
The Zastava is Yugoslavian not Hungarian. And now the factory is in Serbia.
扎斯塔瓦是南斯拉夫的兵工厂，不是匈牙利的。工厂现在在塞尔维亚。
Tell him "Stop. i do not want to be touched or injured" He cannot legally murder you without your consent.
跟他说“停下，我不想被你碰也不想受到伤害。”没有你的许可，他不能合法地谋杀你。
Have my wife start bitching at him. He’ll leave.
让我老婆开始串他闲话。他肯定走。
Defend yourself, not torture the guy.
让你自卫，没让你虐待他人。
How long does it take for me to get a life insurance policy?
现在买一份人身保险需要花多久？
替我一个朋友问的
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
为了保卫家庭，买一把滑膛枪吧，因为这就是国父的意愿。四个恶棍闯进了我的房间。“何方妖孽？”我一边拿起扑了粉的假发和肯塔基步枪一边说。在第一个人身上打出一个高尔夫球大小的洞，他当场死亡。拔出手枪对准第二个人，结果完全没打中，因为手枪是滑膛的，结果打中了邻居家的狗。我只能后撤到楼梯上的加农炮上，里面已经装好了开花弹。“呔，吃俺一炮！”开花弹撕碎了两人，巨大的声响和碎片引发了汽车报警器。我装好刺刀，向最后一个落荒而逃的鼠辈发起冲锋。他在等待警察抵达现场的过程中失血而死，因为三棱刺刀的伤口是不可能缝合的。正如国父的意愿。