你小时候信过的最蠢的假话是什么？
What were the dumbest lies you believed when you were a kid?
译文简介
西瓜籽咽进肚子里会长小西瓜。
正文翻译
What were the dumbest lies you believed when you were a kid?
你小时候信过的最蠢的假话是什么？
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When I was a child, I got upset after a button came off of my shirt. My mother told me not to worry and that if I placed the button under a rock in the yard, the button fairy would replace it with a quarter.
我还是个小孩的时候，衬衫上有个扣子掉了，我很难过。我妈妈告诉我不要担心，如果我把掉下来的扣子放在院子里的石头底下，纽扣天使就会把它换成25美分的硬币。
我信了，让我妈头疼的是，她发现我把我的衣柜里的所有衬衫的纽扣都拆了下来。直到今天，四十年之后，我父母的后院里的石头下边偶尔仍旧能找到衬衫的扣子。
I was 7 years old. One of my teachers wanted us to write a letter to a family member or friend or someone. I wrote the letter. Got the envelope. Got the stamp. My mom had worked at the county jail at the time and she suggested I write one of the inmates who never got mail. So I did. I wrote something along the lines of "I'm sorry you're arrested but I hope you get out." I even signed it with my 7 year old signature.
我那年七岁。我有个老师想让我们给一个家庭成员或是朋友之类的写一封信。我写了新。拿了信封也拿了邮票。我妈当时在县监狱工作，她建议我给一个从来都没收到过信的犯人写一封信。于是我写了。内容差不多是“你被捕了我很难过，但是我希望你能早点出去。”我甚至用七岁的笔法签了个名。
我写信的时候妈妈出门去商店了。我问哥哥我们家地址是哪，因为我得写一个回信地址。他说：
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
宾夕法尼亚大道1600号，华盛顿哥伦比亚特区，20500.如果有人不知道的话，那是白宫的地址。
我把这个地址抄到了信上，然后放到了我妈打算寄出去的那摞邮件上。我是在密歇根州长大的，我从没离开过这个州，但是我也不太聪明。
几年之后我接妈妈回家，有个狱警叫我“总统先生”，我问他为什么这么叫我。他就讲起了几年之前我写的那封信，以及此后我妈妈每次提到我都会在监狱里引人大笑。
This is one of the funniest stories I've ever read in my life. I'm just imagining some random inmate opening a letter in shakey seven year old kid writing "I'm sorry you're arrested but I hope you get out." he looks at the envelope and it's from the White House, he spends several days wondering who the hell wrote that.
这是我这辈子读过的最好笑的故事。我脑补出了一个犯人拆开信封之后看见一个孩子用歪歪扭扭的字写的“你被捕了我很难过，但是我希望你能早点出去。”他看了一眼信封发现是从白宫寄过来的，于是他想了好几天也没想明白到底他妈是谁写的这封信。
我笑出眼泪了。
When I was a kid my dad told me it cost 25 cents to change the radio station to keep me from fucking with the radio in his car. I believed that until I was 14.
在我小的时候，我爸告诉我换电台要25美分，防止我随便在他的车里动他的电台。我信到了14岁。
I was told by my dad, when I was around 8-9, that 'The people at the sewerage plant have been examining your poop, and need you to eat more fiber'.
在我八九岁那年，我爸告诉我“污水站的人一直在检查你的屎，他们说你需要多吃点膳食纤维。”
Along the same lines, my parents told me that flushing anything but toilet paper, pee and poop could get me arrested. If you flush something like paper towel, they can track it back to the exact house!
我爸妈也说过，而且他们还说过往厕所里冲除了厕纸、大小便之外的任何东西都会让我被逮捕。如果我把厚纸巾之类的东西冲进厕所的话，他们可以追踪到具体的房子！
eating too much sugar will glue my ass cheeks together.
吃太多糖会把我的两瓣屁股蘸到一起。
谢了老妈。
My grandmother told me that pinching gave cancer. I got pinched once at recess and yelled at the person because I thought they were going to give me cancer.
我奶跟我说被人掐会得癌症。我休息的时候被掐过一次，当时对那个人大喊大叫，因为我以为他们想让我得癌症。
My mother told me basically everything she did not want me to have caused cancer. Salt - cancer. Maraschino Cherries - cancer. Anything with any sort of food coloring in it - cancer. Soda - cancer. Spending too much time on tv/computer/video games - cancer.
我妈跟我说的是所有那些她不想让我做的事都会让我得癌症。多吃盐——得癌症。马拉斯加酒渍樱桃——得癌症。任何有食用色素的东西——得癌症。苏打水——得癌症。电视/电脑/电子游戏上花太多时间——得癌症。
掐自己就属于那种她不希望我做的事情。虽然它不会让我得癌症，但会让我有血栓……
One time when I was 5-6 I asked my brother how French fries where made And he told me: “they inject mashed potatoes into the skins of the fries with a syringe”.
我五六岁的时候有一次我问哥哥炸薯条是怎么做的，他说“他们会用针管把土豆泥注射到炸薯条的皮里。”
我一直信到了八岁那年有天早晨妈妈在家炸薯条做早餐的时候。
The button on your armrest on airplanes is the eject button
飞机扶手上的按钮是弹射按钮。
我在很后来的时候才发现那是调节座椅靠背用的。
When I was a kid my dad always told me not to touch it because it was an "emergency" button. One time when I was like 5 we were flying to visit family and he fell asleep so I pressed it a bunch because I was curious. Nothing happened and I fell asleep thinking it must be broken. I woke up in a stroller with my parents upset because the plane had to make an emergency landing and I started crying because I thought it was my fault.
我小的时候我爸一直跟我说不要碰，因为那是“紧急”按钮。我五岁左右的时候我们坐飞机去看亲人，他睡着了，于是我就按了好几下那个按钮，因为我很好奇。什么都没发生，于是我睡着了，我以为那个按钮肯定是坏了。结果我醒来的时候发现自己在一个手推车里，爹妈都很生气，因为飞机不得不迫降。当时我就开始哭了，因为我以为是自己的错。
When my sister and I were kids, our mom lied and told us that she was a Grammy nominated and winning singer. She said that all of the trophies were in our attic, knowing that neither of us would ever go in and check for them. My sister and I bragged to all of our friends about it for years, only to discover that our mom isn't a very good singer at all... We've held this lie over her head for nearly 20 years now, so this past Christmas, we gifted her with a fake Grammy that has her name engraved and her favorite music category citing her as the winner of it. She laughed until she cried
我和我妹妹还小的时候，妈妈跟我们撒谎说她是拿过格莱美提名和奖项的著名歌唱家。她说我们的阁楼里藏着她拿过的所有奖项，她知道我们不可能真的上楼去看。我和我妹妹于是就跟我们的朋友们吹了好几年，后来才发现妈妈根本就不是什么好歌手……这个谎话已经在我们心头缠绕了快二十年了，于是今年圣诞节，我们给了她一个假的格莱美奖，上面有她的名字以及她最喜欢的音乐类别，把她写成了这个类别的获奖者。她笑了很久，直到哭出来。
That the draining sound of the water in the bathtub was a monster that would suck you in as well. A lie made to get me out of the bath.
浴缸里水流进下水道的声音是一个会把你也吸进去的恶魔发出来的声音。这个谎话让我尽快从浴室里出来。
I stuck my finger down the plug hole thinking the swirling vortex it made would spin me around like some miniature tornado . Yeah... the firemen who cut me out of the bath didn't laugh either.
我有一次把自己的手指伸进了出水口，我以为漩涡会把我也转起来，就像小小的龙卷风一样。对……把我从浴室里锯出来的消防员也没觉得好笑。
My older brother pranked me once. I had watched a kids' TV show (I think it was "The Electric Company") that featured a guest star who was a tap dancer.
我哥哥有一次骗过我。我那次看了个儿童电视节目，请了个踢踏舞演员做嘉宾。
我兄弟跟我说踢踏舞演员发出的声音不是从脚上出来的，而是从嘴里出来的。
我花了几个星期试着用嘴里发出的声音跳踢踏舞，直到我妈受不了。
I'm surprised she lasted that long tbh.
我很惊讶她竟然坚持了那么久。
Customers will ask me what the difference is between Pork sausage and Italian sausage. I tell them one is made with pork, and the other with Italians. I said this to one customer and his kid went wide eyed with horror, it was hilarious
顾客有时会问我，猪肉香肠和意大利香肠之间的区别是什么。我跟他们说一个是用猪肉做的，一个是用意大利人做的。有一次我对一个顾客这么说，他家的孩子立刻恐惧地瞪大了眼睛，很好笑。
The rumble stripes on the side of the road are there to help people who are blind drive
路边的减速带是帮助盲人开车用的。
That the hazard button in a car would blow the car up.
车上的危险报警闪光灯会把车炸了。
Holy shit im not the only one. Its such a scary symbol for a kid, only to find out it just makes the lights blx lol
我草原来不止我一个人。对于小孩子来说那个符号太吓人了，后来才发现它只是用来让灯光一闪一闪的哈哈哈。
my mom told me this so i just pressed the button to spite her
我妈妈就是这么说的，于是我就按了那个按钮气她。
I'm sorry, honey, you need to do homework tonight instead of going to Joey's sleepover
对不起宝贝，你今晚得做作业，不能去joey家过夜了。
咋的？！？！*把车炸了*
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
*车没炸*
Parent who told the lie in the first place takes note "little Timmy will murder you for the slightest of inconveniences even at the cost of his own life, interesting "
那个对孩子撒这个谎的家长于是记了笔记“小Timmy会因为哪怕最轻微的不便利而把你杀了，就算自己也会跟着死。有趣。”
I was “in” on this lie between my mom and younger sister. My sister was about 5 years old at the time, and my mom convinced her that Benadryl was “truth serum.” My mom would threaten to give it to my sister if she knew she was lying. It was so hilarious, but my sister seriously believed it and would get upset.
我是故意“信”了我和妹妹之间的这个谎话的。我妹妹当时五岁，我妈妈跟她说苯海拉明是一种“真话血清”。我妈要是知道我妹妹说谎的话，就会吓唬她让她把这个喝了。特别好笑，但是我妹妹当时信得特别厉害，而且会很生气。
I believed that girls pooped and peed out of their butthole. When I was 16yo, I asked my older sister, "When you go pee, how do you keep the turds from sliding right out at the same time?"
我以为女孩的大小便都是从屁眼出来的。于是16岁那年我问姐姐，“你尿尿的时候，怎么保证让屎不滑出来？”
That if you you die in your dream, you die in real life.
如果你在梦里死了，你在现实生活中就也死了。
Sometimes when we asked for McDonalds my dad would say no but turn in anyway and say the car was doing it by itself. I believed him every time and thought the car was just my homie.
有时候我们想吃麦当劳，我爸会说不行，但是他还是会拐弯，然后说是车子自己在动。我每次都信了他的话，还以为车子是我的好兄弟。
if you swallowed the black watermelon seeds a watermelon would grow in your belly
如果你把西瓜籽吞进去，肚子里就会长西瓜。
If you swalllow gum it would take 7 years for it to come out
如果你把口香糖吞进去，要花七年才能排出来。
You know how Barbie feet are on tippy toes so they are shaped to fit into a high heel shoe? Well when I was a kid, I thought that when girls grew up into women that their feet would be shaped like that. Despite the fact that I lived in a house with 4 grown women, none of whom had Barbie feet.
你们都知道芭比娃娃的脚都是垫脚尖的，好穿进高跟鞋吧？我还小的时候，我还以为女孩长大变成女人之后，脚就会变成那种形状。尽管我住的地方有四个成年女人，而她们没有一个长着芭比娃娃那样的脚。
My mom told me my birth mark was a coffee stain from when she accidentally spilled coffee on me as a baby. I believed it til I was like 11.
我妈跟我说我的胎记是咖啡渍，在我还是小孩的时候她不小心把咖啡洒到了我的身上。我信到了差不多11岁。
Walt disney invented colour. watching a black and white show I thought everyone from the 50's and lower had lived in black and white. I asked my father "who invented colour?" Dad looked at me dead serious and said "walt disney" I believed it far to long.
沃尔特迪士尼发明了颜色。我当时在看黑白电视剧，觉得好像50年代以前的所有人都过着黑白色的生活。于是我问爸爸“颜色是谁发明的？”我爸很严肃的看着我说，“沃尔特迪士尼”。我相信了太久。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
My sister told me that if you count all the stones of Stonehenge you will die. I still don't know how many stones there are in Stonehenge.
我姐姐跟我说，如果你数清楚巨石阵的石头总数，你就会死。我到今天也不知道巨石阵一共有多少块石头。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
编辑：我刚给我姐姐打了个电话说这件事……她笑了两分多钟。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I'll count them for you! There are...
我替你数！一共有……
My Grandad would tell me that the buttons/switches to turn on the interior lights in his car where actually buttons for ejector seats. I would be scared to go anywhere near them incase I accidentally yeeted myself out of his Ford Focus. He was a funny dude.
我祖父跟我说开关车内灯的按钮其实是弹射座椅的按钮。于是我根本不敢坐到按钮附近，我害怕不小心把自己从他的福特福克斯里弹出去。他是个很有趣的家伙。
I once thought academic scholarships were only given to dumb students so that some of them could still attend college. I even told my older brother that he was so stupid, he had to get scholarships to go to college. He went to the Ivy League.
我从前以为学业奖学金只会发给那些笨学生，让他们仍然有能力读大学。我甚至跟我哥哥说他也太蠢了，怎么要拿奖学金才能读大学。他去的是藤校。
That women's periods stop in water to avoid sharks smelling it
女性的月经会在水里停止，以防止鲨鱼闻到。
lmfao what
我草什么玩意儿
It's an evolutionary adaptation
这是一种生存进化
That our entire house was covered by cork-sized security cameras and that my parents could see my every move.
我们家整栋房子到处都是木塞大小的监控摄像头，我爸妈能看见我的每一个动作。
My kid has convinced herself of the same thing and always randomly asks “what am I doing right now?” From across the house
我孩子自己有点信了，她总是从房子对面突然问我“我现在在干嘛？”
My mom convinced us she had eyes in the back of her head. She could tell us what we were doing in the living room while working in the kitchen facing away from us. We’d test it even further by doing the “how many fingers am I holding up?” test and she’d get it right every time. So all little kid evidence concluded that mom did in fact have eyes in the back of her head. It wasn’t until I was much older that I randomly noticed the crystal clear reflection in the kitchen window my mom could always see.
我妈妈跟我说她后脑勺长了眼睛。她可以在厨房背对着我们的时候就看见坐在客厅的我们在干什么。我们试过问她“我举着几根手指头？”她每次都能猜对。所以一切证据都证明妈妈的后脑勺确实长了眼睛。好久之后我才偶然发现，厨房窗户清清楚楚的反射能够让我妈一直看见后面发生了什么。
My father was a fish taxidermist and had a bunch of glass eyes for them. He told us he had eyes in the back of his head and lifted his hair to show us.
我父亲是一名鱼类标本剥制师，他准备了不少做标本用的玻璃眼睛。他跟我们说他后脑勺长了眼睛，还把头发掀起来给我们看。
还有，有一次我吃了个狗狗饼干（那种人也能吃的），于是他趁我睡觉的时候在我的尾巴骨上画了个红点，跟我说我要变成狗了。
我害怕了八年。
My dad told me that the reason why police officers spend so much time at donut shops is because the shop owners actually need them there to shoot the holes in the pastries to provide them with the classic donut shape.
我爸爸跟我说，警察总是在甜甜圈商店打发很久的时间的原因就是店主需要警察帮忙开枪给甜甜圈打出洞来。
我发现这是假话的时候，是我想要溜进唐恩都乐（甜甜圈连锁店）的柜台里面被我爸抓住了，我说“我想看他们开枪”。
Dad told us his dried apricots were monkey ears so we wouldn’t eat them
我爸跟我说他的杏干是猴子耳朵，这样我们就不会吃了。
This isn’t a lie but when I was a kid I had no idea how turn signals worked and just thought the cars always knew exactly where we were going.
也不算是假话，但我还小的时候，我根本不理解转向灯是怎么工作的，我以为车子总是知道我们会往哪儿走。
I didn't realize they turned off automatically when the steering wheel is turned back straight. I just thought all adults had to be really coordinated to disengage them while executing the turn.
我也没意识到在方向盘打回来之后转向灯就会自动关掉。我一直以为所有的大人协调性都特别好，他们能一边转向一边关掉转向灯。
这让我特别特别害怕学开车。
Omg yes, I remember trying to catch my dad turning it off, but I never did so I bragged to friends that my dad is really fast etc until a friend's brother told me the truth:(
哈哈哈太对了，我记得自己盯着我爸看他什么时候把转向灯关掉，但我从来没发现过，于是我跟朋友们吹牛说我爸的手特别快之类的，直到有个朋友的哥哥跟我讲了事实。
I believed the crust in the bread had all the vitamins and the center parts were empty calories.
我一直以为面包边全是维生素，中间的瓤都是卡路里。
One time I was at my dad's (parents separated) and him and a friend were hanging outside sipping bears and smoking cigarettes while I was decapitating dandelions with my sweet ass plastic ninja sword.
有一次我在我爸家（父母分居）待着，他和他的朋友在户外喝啤酒抽香烟，我在旁边用自己亲爱的塑料忍者刀在那切水仙花。
我小的时候，我爸从不让我喝汽水。他朋友走了，我爸进屋去洗碗。我看见桌上有个七喜的罐子，我就冲过去喝了一大口，结果那是他们用来掸烟灰扔烟头的。
我跑进屋吐了，我爸就说怎么了怎么了？我撒了谎什么都没说，但是他看出来了。
于是他跟我说他买的所有汽水都是那个味，即便没开封的也是。
我信了好几年，直到大概九岁那年。
When I was a little fellow my parents used to told me when you smoke you'll die instantaneously. Unfortunately they forgot this at a campfire organized by our former neighborhood and smoked a cig. I remember I was desperately trying to stop them and cried all the time, because I thought they're both about to die.
在我还小的时候，我的父母跟我说你如果抽烟的话就会即刻去世。但不巧的是他们自己忘了这回事了，在我们之前社区举办的露营会上他们抽了一颗烟。我记得当时自己特别绝望地想要制止他们，一直在大哭，因为我以为他们都要死了。
My dad told me this when I was 4. We had a moving company moving our things in our new house and my dad did a 7-11 run for the movers for cigarettes and mountain dew. He told me during the car ride. When we got back, I just sat in the yard watching the movers. May dad asked what I was doing and I said "I want to watch them die."
我爸是在我四岁那年跟我说的。我们请了个搬家公司给我们把东西搬到新家，我爸去了趟711给搬家工人买香烟和激浪。他在车上跟我说了这件事。我们回去之后，我就坐在后院看那些搬家工人。我爸问我我在干啥，我说“我想看他们死。”
编辑：我那年刚四岁。你们遇见过小孩子嘛？他们真的可以特别不正常，因为他们既没有生活经历，也没有发展健全的大脑。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
My mom told me while I was helping mix some batter or something, that if I changed from mixing clockwise to counterclockwise the ingredients would unmixed. I believed this for way too long and still only mix clockwise.
是我妈妈在我帮她搅拌面糊之类的东西的时候跟我说的，如果我从顺时针搅拌变成逆时针搅拌的话，那么配料就会搅不到一块儿去。我信了太长时间，知道今天我也只会顺时针搅拌。
Lost my stuffed animal (a white dog) in the airport in Miami when I was 5. It was my favorite and I was really sad about it. A few weeks later my mom presented me with a brown dog that otherwise looked exactly like the white one I’d lost. She said the workers at the airport had found it and mailed it to us, but he got a tan because he was in Florida. Bought it hook line and sinker for a few years. Tan dog is now my son’s and he’s a big fan :)
五岁那年在迈阿密的机场我的毛绒玩具弄丢了（一只白狗）。那是我最喜欢的玩具，我当时真的特别伤心。几个星期之后我妈妈给我带来了一只棕色的狗玩具，除了颜色之外都和我丢的那个白色的一模一样。她说机场的工人发现了我的狗，给我们邮了过来；但是因为它在佛罗里达呆了太久所以晒黑了。死心塌地地信了好几年。那个晒黑的狗子现在归我儿子了，他特别喜欢。
Hijacking your comment for a parental life pro tip: if your kid has a favorite stuffed animal and it's possible to get a second one, do it and stash it away for the inevitable day that something happens to the original. You can also rotate them in active use so that you can surreptitiously wash one while your child has the backup.
借你的评论留一个当爹妈的实用技术：如果你家孩子有特别喜欢的毛绒玩具，并且可以买第二个的话，赶紧买一个并且收藏起来，为原来的那个不可避免地发生什么事情做好准备。你也可以交替使用，在你家孩子玩备用的那个的时候把原来那个偷偷摸摸给洗了。