The summer before my junior year of college, I volunteered to work for a mental health clinic in a small city in India. I suppose I should say that it was "challenging yet rewarding," or that it was "the hardest summer of my life" but that I really "found myself." But, I'm not about to turn my experience into Eat, Pray, Love. It didn't take long after I arrived for things to turn ugly.
Sure, when people ask me what India was like, I often just placate them with funny stories about shitting my pants on an airplane or watching men practice their Bollywood moves at the gym. While those stories are true, they're not the whole truth. The truth is, almost all of my memories of India are tainted because of one uncontrollable factor: I am female, and, in India, that means ...

在我大学三年级前的一个夏天， 我志愿到印度的一个小城市的心理键康诊所里工作。我想我应当说这段经历既是一种挑战也让我获益匪浅，同时还是我一生中最难过的夏天，但我的确发现了我自己。但是我不会将我的经历写成《饭、祷、爱》。我到那儿没多久，事情就开始变得糟糕了。
当然，当有人问起我印度如何时，我总是用尽量平和地用一些有趣的故事，像是我在飞机上拉裤子了，还有看到印度男人在体育比赛中跳宝莱坞中的舞蹈这样的事来敷衍他们。虽然这些事也是真的，但并不是真相的全部。真相是，几乎我所有关于印度的印象都被一个原因所败坏了， 那就是，我是一个女人，而在印度这意味着。。。

5
There Are Some Pretty Bizarre Rules

有一些古怪的规则
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


All of this talk of "rules" is going to seem cruelly ironic when I tell you what eventually happened to me. But, we'll get to that.
Upon meeting my Indian host family, I was almost immediately given a list of rules that mostly had to do with my gender. Some were common sense, but others were baffling. For example, I was instructed to avoid making eye contact for longer than four seconds with a man. This could be seen as an "invitation" -- specifically, into your vagina. This was one of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of my stay, and, if you read on, you'll see why that's really saying something.
So, I would be talking to a male co-worker or friend and think, "How long has it been? Did I fuck it up? Has it been five seconds?" I was darting my eyes around so much that I probably looked like I was on crack.
Also, there was to be no smoking, drinking, or hanging out in bars. No pouting. No spending any time alone with my host brother (exchange students refer to the families they're staying with as "host father," "host mother," etc.). Don't overeat. Don't date. Don't adjust your clothes in public. Don't talk too loudly. Don't talk too softly. Don't stay out past 7 p.m. unless you're with your host father. Basically, try really hard not to be a woman -- that would be great. Thanks.

当我告诉你发生在我身上的事时，你就会发现称之为“规则”是一个残酷的讽刺。但让我们接着看。
当我到了我在印度的寄养家庭时，我几乎立刻就收到了一份与我的性别有关的规则列表。一些是常识性的，但另一些简直无语，例如，我被告知不能与一个男人目光接触超过四秒钟，否则会被视为一种“邀请”，进入荫道的那种。这只是引起我焦虑的众多方面中的一种，如果你读下去，你就会知道我为什么这么说了。
所以当我和一个男同事或朋友共事的时候，我会想“多长时间了？我搞砸了吗？到五秒钟了吗？”我会剧烈地四处张望以致于我看来精神像是要崩溃了。
而且，我在酒吧里也没有抽烟、喝酒或聊天。别嘟嘴， 一秒钟也不要和我的寄宿哥哥单独在一起（交换生将所在的寄宿家庭人员称为寄宿父亲、寄宿母亲，以此类推）。不要贪食，不要约会，不要在公共场合整理服装，不要讲话太大声，也不要讲话太小声，别在外面待过晚上7点，，除非你跟你的寄宿父亲在一起。基本上，尽量别当一个女人，这样就最好不过了。

4
There's A Strict Dress Code

存在一种严格的着装规定

This part is something you probably expect from certain parts of the world -- the organization I volunteered for had already advised me to bring conservative, loose-fitting clothing. Still, my host mother took one look at my scandal-packed suitcase and decided we needed to go shopping.
My wardrobe, under her tutelage, was to consist of long, flowy skirts and shapeless tunics. Keep in mind it was around 110 degrees in the summer, so while I was trying not to be a female, I was also trying not to be a female with swamp ass. Again, if you move to a country like this, obviously you're going to have to be willing to adapt to some major cultural differences. But, if you're a woman in India, there's not a lot of room for fucking up.
There was this one time I was hanging around the house and didn't notice that my baggy shirt came down too low on the sides, revealing a little side-boob action. Well, you would have thought I was running around and grabbing every dick I saw because my host mother went ballistic. She actually threatened to slap me if I didn't immediately go upstairs. I spent the rest of the summer dressed as a nun.

这一部分的内容你可能已经预料到了，我所志愿服务的组织已经建议我带上保守的宽松衣服了。尽管如此，我的寄宿母亲看了一眼我那装满了伤风败俗的手提箱，决定我们要去购物。 我的衣柜里，在寄宿母亲的指导下，由长裙和臃肿的上衣组成，请记住，时值110华氏度的夏天，所以当我的我试图不要当一个女人的时候，我说的是不当一个屁股臃肿的女人。再强调一次，如果你到了这样的一种国家里，你就得适应一些文化上的不同。假如你在印度是一名女性， 那没有你任性的空间。
有一次我在家门口闲逛，没有注意到我的衣服两肩露得有点儿多，露出了一点侧胸的起伏。好吧，因为我的寄宿母亲暴跳如雷，你可能会想我在到处乱跑，去抓每一个我所看到的丁丁。她真切地威胁要打我一巴掌，如果我不赶快上楼的话。我夏天剩下的时光里都穿得像个修女。

3
You Have To Have A Man With You, Or Else You'll Constantly Get Harassed

你必须有男人陪同，不然的话你将不断受到骚扰

My volunteer organization assigned me a translator, but, in reality, he was more like my security guard. He would accompany me to and from work, and stay with me all day on the job. I made sure he was always around because as soon as he left my side, it was like putting myself out on the sidewalk with a big cardboard "FREE" sign.
And here is where the paradox of male attention comes into play: Whether you are invisible or the sole focus of attention depends entirely on what kind of attention you want.
For example, I once had a flight to another part of the country that got delayed. I spent 12 hours trying to get someone at the airport to help me make a damn reservation for a new flight. Even female employees would just redirect me to someone else, who would then also redirect me to someone else, in a never-ending game of Hot Potato (Hot Samosa?). Eventually, I resorted to asking a random Indian man if he could help me out, but he wouldn't do it. Finally, my male traveling companion walked up and spent five minutes with them -- and poof, we had a flight. I was steaming. That was after 12 hours of trying to get someone to listen to me.
But, when men are walking up to proposition you for sex, well, then it's non-stop. Walking through a market felt like a series of push notifications to my nervous system. It became commonplace for vendors to leave their stands and follow me around, asking dozens of random questions ("Hello? Hello? Hi, are you Indian? English? Are you married? Want to have Chai? How old are you? Where are you going? Hello, lady. Smile, lady."). This could go on for 15 minutes, even if I didn't respond to a single question.
Once, while I was traveling, I came back to my private hostel room to find one of the staff members hiding in my bathroom. He asked me how much I would "cost for the night," to which I responded, "Ask my husband, he'll be here in a minute." When I reported it to the management, I was assured he was "just doing his job."

我志愿服务的组织给我按排了一名翻译，说是翻译，实际上更像是保镖，护送我上下班，工作期间也全天候陪着我。我很确定他一直在我身边，因为他一旦离开我的身边，我就感觉自己像是站在人行道边上举着个牌子上面写着”免费“一样。
这就是男性注意力悖论的由来：你想当一个小透明还是全场注意力的焦点完全取决于你想要什么样的关注。
举个例子，一次我要搭去另一个地方的飞机，结果误机了。 我花了12小时试图得到机场一些人的帮助，找新的航班。但即使女性工作人员也会把我引向其他人，其他人又再把我引向其他人， 周而复始，仿佛我是一个烫手山芋一样。终于我求助于一个随机的印度路人男，问他能否帮助我，但他根本没帮我，最后还是我的男旅伴来了，只跟别人谈了五分钟，就坐上飞机了，我都醉了好伐。我花了12个小时都没让别人听进我一句话。
但是，当一个男人向你求欢的时候，那赶都赶不走。逛个超市都感觉像是给我的感官系统发送了一系列的推送通知。还有的常规操作是摆摊的小贩活儿也不干了，就跟着我走，问我大量的各种问题，如：你是印度人吗？英国人吗？结婚了吗？想来杯茶吗？多大了？要去哪儿？你好啊，女士，笑一个啊，小姐。）即使我一句话都不答也能给我扯上15分钟。
一次，我正在旅行，我回到我的旅馆房间，发现一个旅行团的家伙藏在我的卫生间里。 他问我过夜多少钱，我对此回答道：问我丈夫去吧，他很快就来了。当我向旅团管理人员反馈的时候，得到了回复是那个只是在尽其职责。

2
The Rules Do Not Keep You Safe

遵守规矩也不会让你更安全

At first, living with my host family was awesome -- I was getting a more local experience and grew to absolutely adore my host mother. But, as time went on, things got weirder and weirder. By "weirder," I mean "creepier." My "host father" would make comments about my body and try to "cuddle" with me on the couch. I would try to laugh it off and say things like, "Hey, I'm your daughter!" but I would just be met with eye rolls or disapproving glares.
All of the bedrooms were downstairs, except for mine, which happened to be next to my host father's office. If I had a question or wanted directions to get somewhere, he would ask me to come into his office and close the door. I would refuse, saying I was uncomfortable and that he needed to chill out a little, to which he would reply: "This isn't America, sweetheart. You're living in my house. You live by my rules."
In retrospect, I should have spoken up sooner, but I was 19 years old, naive, and didn't want to come across as difficult. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place: speak up and have people call me a liar or a drama queen, or stay quiet and feel unsafe. Be accused of being a spoiled American brat, or risk having something really awful happen.
I had a key to lock my bedroom door, but, unbeknownst to me, my host father had one, too, ironically "for my safety." One night, I awoke to find him masturbating next to me with his hand down my pants. That was the last straw because what would be, if not that?
The next morning, I called a friend and moved in with him. As I mentioned, it was taboo to be alone in the company of a man who isn't your husband, so we told everyone we were married. Note: When I lived with my host family, I was only allowed to be alone with my host father, which is fucked up on at least seven levels. I counted -- it's at least seven.
Moving helped, but this would not be the last time I was sexually assaulted on my trip. There were two other incidents, the details of which I'm honestly not comfortable getting into. And, compared to what other women have gone through, I was actually extremely fortunate.

起初，我和我的寄宿家庭的生活体验非常棒---我得到了许多当地的生活经验，并逐渐对我的寄宿母亲产生崇拜之情。但是，随着时间推移，事情变得越来越奇怪。我所说的奇怪是惊悚，我的寄宿父亲会对我的身体评头论足，并试图在沙发上抱我。我会一笑置之，说道：嘿，我是你女儿啊。”但我只会受到白眼以及怒目。
除了我的卧室，所有的卧室都在楼下，而我的卧室就靠着我寄宿父亲的办公室。如果我有问题或者想问去某个地方怎么走，他就会让我进他的办公室并把门关上。我拒绝这样做，说让我感到不适，他却回复说：亲爱的， 这里不是美国，你住在我家，你得照我的规矩来。“
现在想想，我当时应当说出来的，但我当时才19岁，既无知又不想让人觉得我很难伺候。我感到我陷入困境了，说出这件事情让人们称为我骗子和戏精，或保持沉默得却处于不安中。被称为撒谎的美国佬，或者让一些可怕的事情降临到我的身上。
我的门有锁，但我不知道的是我的寄宿父亲还有把备用的钥匙，讽刺的是，这是为了我的安全，一天夜里我醒来看到他一手在我的裤裆里另一只手在打飞机，这是最后一根稻草了， 因为这都不是的话，还能是什么呢？
第二天一早，我就叫上了一个朋友，搬去他那儿去住了。就像我所提到过的，如果和不是你丈夫的男人在一起是一个禁忌，所以我们对外宣称我们结婚了。 注意：我在寄宿家庭里，只被允许和我的寄宿父亲单独在一起，这至少打破了七个方面的禁忌，我数了数，至少七个。
幸亏我逃离了， 但这不是我旅行中最后一次受到了性侵犯，还有两次，细节方面我不想多谈。而且与其他女性的遭遇相比， 我还算幸运的了。

1
There Are Great People There, But, Culturally, The Deck Is Stacked Against Women

那里有很多很棒的人，但是从文化上讲，对女性相当不友好

When I notified my volunteer program of the incident with my host father, they pretty much blew me off. I pray that they didn't place any more young women in that home, but I didn't tell anyone else because I honestly didn't see what difference it would have made.
And that is, of course, part of the problem. I remember thinking, "If I feel this powerless, and this frustrated, what the absolute fuck must it be like to live here?"
You have to remember, in India, up to 90 percent of marriages are arranged, meaning only 10 percent are "love marriages." They actually advertise them right in the newspaper. Looking for a wife? Just head to the "matrimonial" section. Ads include height, weight, job, caste, education, what they're looking for, not looking for, etc. My absolute favorite was one that was specifically requesting a "homely girl." Or, the guy that followed up his long, poetic speech by calling out to his true love with,"I like pets." Swipe right!
It really is a lot like Tinder, except it's your dad who's fielding your messages, and it might lead to your death. When I spoke to my host mother about the process of arranged marriages, she explained that when the prospective bride and groom meet for the first time, the woman can play her veto card at that time. If you think that might cause some animosity, though, just be glad you didn't reach dowry negotiations before you decided to be difficult, because you might get killed for that -- that very thing happens 12 times a day there.
In all fairness, I met tons of intelligent, progressive men while I was there, such as my host brother. I met women who were more patronizing than men as well as women who risked their lives fighting for women's rights. I met every type of person because in a country of approximately one billion inhabitants, it's not one size fits all.
But, there are some traditions and attitudes that have allowed things to get this way, which prevent meaningful change. And, while I can sit here and talk about the trauma of my own experience, my host mother's response summed it up perfectly: "Look, I'm sorry this happened. But, you get to leave. I have to stay here for the rest of my life."

当我把我寄宿父亲的事告诉了我的志愿者项目时，他们却不给我好脸色看，我求他们不要再把年轻女性安排到那个家庭去了。但我并没有告诉其他人， 因为我实在看不出会有什么不同。
而这只是问题的一部分。我记得住了这样一个想法“如果我感到沮丧或无助，他妈的能比得上我在那个家里住那样？”
你必须记住，在印度90%的婚姻是包办的，意味着只有10%是出于爱。他们甚至公开在报纸上打广告。想找个老婆？去“婚姻”区找吧。广告中包含身高、体重、工作、种姓，教育程度，想找什么样的或不找什么样的等等。我最喜欢的一个是找一个居家型女孩。或者是那个一个男人发表了长而富有诗意的演讲后用一句“我喜欢宠物”来呼唤他的另一半。
就非常像是Tinder，除了是你爸爸在发布信息，可能还会导致你的社死。当我和我的寄宿母亲谈起包办婚姻的过程的时候，她解释说当准新郎新娘第一次见面的时候，女性可以行使否决权。如果你觉得这显得并不友善，幸好你在决定变得难饲候之前没有达到谈嫁妆的阶段，因为你可能因此丧命——这种事情每天平均发生12次。
平心而论， 我在那里遇到过许多聪明的进步人士，就像我的寄宿哥哥，我遇到过比男性还傲的女性，还有为了女权事业而奋斗的女性，我遇到过各种各样的人，因为那里有十多亿人口，一种人是不能代表全部的、
但是那里的一些传统和态度让事情发展到了这个地步，阻碍了进步。而且，虽然我可以坐在这里谈论我过去的创伤，但我的寄宿母亲的回答完美地总结了这件事情：“看，我很抱歉发生了这种事。但你离开这儿了，我却要继续度过我的余生。”