当你生气的时候，你如何控制自己，使自己平静下来（三）
How do you control yourself and calm down when you become angry?
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网友：一个很有作用的两步过程来摆脱不必要的愤怒，最简单的发泄愤怒的方法是什么？当没有预兆的事情激起你的愤怒时，你可能会努力不屈服于它。因为通常让你生气的是在面对看似不公平的事情，你会感到无能为力，你的愤怒主要是试图“快速修复”以纠正这种平衡......
正文翻译
How do you control yourself and calm down when you become angry?
当你生气的时候，你如何控制自己，使自己平静下来？
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伊登·约翰逊，门宁格诊所前精神病学理科医师（1964-1967）
What’s the simplest way to short-circuit your anger?
When—without warning—something provokes your anger, you may struggle not to succumb to it. Since what typically makes you mad is feeling powerless in the face of what seems unfair, your anger is mostly an attempt at a “quick fix” to right the balance. It’s as though you’re raising a fist in protest, proclaiming that you’re not going to capitulate to such injustice.
There are, however, a multitude of problems related to this immediate, push-back reaction of anger. And probably the key one is that almost never does it resolve the issue that gave rise to it. Such reactive anger is probably best understood as self-defeating. As David Burns, the author of the seminal self-help book Feeling Good, observes: acting on your anger is to make any sense, it needs to meet two criteria—which, in almost every case, is frankly impossible. That is, your anger must:Be directed toward a person who has intentionally (and needlessly) behaved in a hurtful way toward you; and Be beneficial or advantageous to you (i.e., assist you in achieving a desired goal).
一个很有作用的两步过程来摆脱不必要的愤怒
最简单的发泄愤怒的方法是什么？
当没有预兆的事情激起你的愤怒时，你可能会努力不屈服于它。因为通常让你生气的是在面对看似不公平的事情，你会感到无能为力，你的愤怒主要是试图“快速修复”以纠正这种平衡。这就好像你在举起拳头以示抗议，宣称你不会向这种不公正屈服。
然而，有许多问题与愤怒的这种即时的、压抑的反应有关。可能关键的一点是，它几乎不能解决引起愤怒产生的问题。这种反应性的愤怒可能最好理解为弄巧成拙。正如影响深远的自助书籍《感觉良好》(Feeling Good)的作者戴维?伯恩斯(David Burns)所观察到的那样：对你的愤怒采取行动是有意义的，那么它需要满足两个标准，而这两个标准在几乎所有情况下都是不可能的。也就是说，你的愤怒必须：把矛头指向故意(和没必要)伤害你的人;以及对你有益或有利(即，帮助你实现预期目标)。
So let me offer you a two-step alternative to abandoning your better judgment and giving in to the temptation of anger—one that should neutralize your anger in seconds. Or, when you’re really angry, in minutes.
That is, in the short-term, anger:
Can offer you the instant “reward” of feeling morally superior to whomever, or whatever, you’re angry at—and this “justified” sense of righteousness (or self-righteousness) can actually bolster a somewhat shaky self-image;
Can help you defend against an underlying anxiety, or a general sense of vulnerability—for the adrenaline rush of anger (however superficially) may help you feel empowered;
Can protect you from experiencing an underlying depression, or a deep sense of loneliness or alienation—for, after all, your anger does enable you to stay “engaged” with the other person);
Can restore in you some semblance of control when, in your momentary frustration, you may suddenly feel out of control; and
Can help you, through intimidating the other person(s), get your way with them (and here, I won’t even begin to enumerate anger’s negative longer-term effects on relationships!).
我想你会同意，你很少能声称你的愤怒是合理的和有益的，无论是对你自己还是对你们的关系。
因此，让我给你一个两步选择，让你放弃更好的判断，屈服于愤怒的诱惑—一个应该在几秒钟内消除你的愤怒。或者，当你真的很生气的时候，几分钟就可以了。
在短期内，愤怒：
可以给你即时的“回报”，让你觉得自己在道德上优于你所愤怒的任何人或任何东西，而这种“合理的”正义感(或自以为是)实际上可以支撑一个不太稳固的自我形象。
可以帮助你抵御潜在的焦虑，或者对愤怒的肾上腺素激增的脆弱感（无论多么肤浅）可能会帮助你感到有力量；
可以保护你不经历潜在的抑郁、深深的孤独感和疏远感，毕竟，你的愤怒确实使你能够与他人保持“互动”；
在你短暂的沮丧中，你可能突然感到失去控制时，你能恢复一些控制的假象吗？
你可以通过恐吓他人来帮助你与他们相处（在这里，我甚至不会列举愤怒对人际关系的长期负面影响！）。
Here are the two steps—call them my “double-R technique for anger control”:
(1) RELAX Inasmuch as anger is the emotion that prepares your entire body for fight (vs. fear-inspired flight), you must find a way of discharging this non-productive “fighting energy” before you do anything else. You need to know that, to “do battle,” experiencing significant anger automatically activates every muscle group and organ in your body. Broadly defined, all anger is a reaction to some perceived threat, so it naturally serves as the body’s evolutionary cue to ready itself for combat. Thus mobilized for immediate—and impulsive—action, any “stalling” reflectiveness would be a handicap. So anger affects your thinking quite as powerfully as it does your body.
Given the legal and ethical constraints of modern civilization, it’s extremely unlikely that when you get mad you’ll go in for the kill and physically assault your boss, wife, husband, etc. But since anger readies your mind (not just your body) for battle, once the emotion overcomes you and you’ve lost the ability to obxtively assess the situation, it’s quite likely that you’ll verbally attack the other person. For at this point, your thinking is no longer driven by your more evolved, rational neocortex (or “new brain”), but your much more primitive, survival-oriented, simple-minded midbrain (as in, “Me right, you wrong!” Or “Me good, you bad!”). In this childlike, regressed mental state, all you can think of is having been disregarded, falsely accused, disrespected, distrusted, dued, cheated, discriminated against, violated, and so on. And—self-righteously—feeling so wronged, what you crave is revenge. Instant revenge. It’s as though, moralistically speaking, only through attacking the other person can you bring them “to justice.”
如果您很难实施下面描述的两步流程，那么这些直接的“优势”可能正是阻碍您的因素，也正是需要更好地实现和完成的因素。
以下两个步骤称之为我的“控制愤怒的双R技术”：
1、放松，因为愤怒是一种情绪，让你的整个身体准备好战斗(而不是因恐惧而逃跑)，你必须在做任何其他事情之前找到释放这种非生产性“战斗能量”的方法。你需要知道，为了“战斗”，经历明显的愤怒会自动激活你身体的每一个肌肉群和器官。广义地说，所有的愤怒都是对某种感知到的威胁的反应，因此身体逐步演变为准备“战斗”。因此，一旦被动员为立即和冲动的行动，任何“停滞”的反思都会成为一种障碍。因此，愤怒对你的思想的影响和对你身体的影响力一样强大。
考虑到现代文明的法律和道德约束，当你发疯时，你不太可能去杀人并殴打你的老板、妻子、丈夫等。但由于愤怒让你的头脑（不仅仅是身体）做好了战斗准备，一旦情绪战胜了你，你就失去了客观评估情况的能力，你很可能会在言语上攻击对方。因为在此刻，你的思维不再由你更进化、更理性的新大脑皮层（或“新大脑”）驱动，而是由你更原始、更注重生存、思维简单的中脑驱动（比如，“我对了，你错了！”或者“我好，你坏！”。在这种孩子气、倒退的思维认知下，你所能想到的就是被忽视、被诬告、被不尊重、被不信任、被贬低、被欺骗、被歧视、被侵犯等等。自以为是地感到如此委屈，你渴望的是复仇、立即复仇。好似从道德上讲，=只有通过攻击他人，你才能将他们“绳之以法”。
Hopefully, you’ve already discovered a way to relax—whether through deep, rhythmic, diaphragmatic breathing; some form of meditation; listening to tranquilizing music; visualization or guided imagery; self-hypnosis; acupressure; yoga; or any of the many other relaxation techniques available. But if you don’ t have a ready way of calming yourself, it’s essential that you learn one. For instance, you might look up breathing exercises on the Web, and teach yourself the one that feels most appropriate for you. Then practice it diligently till you can use it to relax at will.
Or, if you’ve got a good visual imagination, picture yourself lying on the beach, walking in the forest, floating on a cloud, leaning against a tree next to a serene lake—or whatever scene you associate with relaxation. And take the time to experience your body reacting to the calming cues “embodied” in the scene you choose. For example, on a private beach, you might fantasize seeing the panoramic beauty of your surroundings; smelling the fresh salt air; hearing the surf hit the shore, or the seagulls squawking overhead; feeling (tactilely) the warmth of the sun and the mild breeze tickling your bare skin, and the grainy sand slipping through your fingers; etc. Be sure to bring as many of your senses into play as possible. For your body really can’t tell the difference between what’s actual and what’s well-imagined.
But keep in mind that any method you can successfully employ to cool yourself down and reduce your level of physiological arousal—even if it’s nothing more than taking a deep breath (preferably, with eyes closed) and slowly, slowly letting it out—will do just fine. The main thing is that rather than vehemently ventilating your frustrations, you buy yourself some time and engage in a form of self-soothing that, indirectly, will significantly reduce the intensity of your anger.
And if, finally, you’re unable to relax through any of the many “body-quieting” methods available, try vigorous exercise to (non-violently) release the physical tension resulting from your charged-up, angry feelings. Such efforts should allow you to loosen up—both in body and mind—so that you’ll feel calmer and be able to think more clearly.
因为你的想法现在被夸大或扭曲了，如果你想找回情绪的平衡，这样你就可以从一个更合理、更成人的角度重新评估情况，那么你首先需要找到一些让自己安定下来的方法。也就是说，这个两步方案的第一步是让你不安的身体平静下来。只有这样，你才能专注于使心烦意乱的大脑平静下来的第二步。
希望你已经找到了一种放松的方法，无论是通过深呼吸、有节奏的横膈膜呼吸；某种形式的冥想；聆听宁静的音乐；可视化或引导图像；自我催眠；穴位按压；瑜伽或者任何其他可用的放松技巧。但是，如果你还没有一个现成的方法让自己平静下来，那么学习一种方法是至关重要的。例如，你可以在网上查找呼吸练习，并自学最适合自己的练习。然后努力练习，直到你可以随意放松。
或者，如果你有很好的视觉想象力，想象自己躺在海滩上，在森林里散步，在云上漂浮，靠在宁静的湖边的树上，或者任何让你联想到放松的场景。花点时间让你身体对你选择的想象出的场景做出平静的反应。例如，在私人海滩上，你可能会幻想看到周围的全景美景；闻到新鲜的咸空气；听到海浪拍岸，或是海鸥在头顶呱呱叫；感受太阳的温暖，微风轻拂你裸露的皮肤，沙粒从你手指间滑过等等。确保尽可能多地发挥你的感官。因为你的身体实在分不清什么是真实的，什么是想象出的场景。
但请记住，任何你能成功地让自己冷静下来并降低身体应激反应的方法，即使只是深呼吸（最好是闭上眼睛），然后慢慢地、慢慢地把它放出来也行。最重要的是，你不是在激烈地发泄你的沮丧情绪，而是为自己争取一些时间，进行某种形式的自我安慰，这将间接地大大降低你的愤怒程度。
最后，如果你无法通过任何一种“让身体安静”的方法来放松，那么尝试剧烈的运动（非暴力）来释放你的愤怒情绪所带来的身体紧张情绪。这样的努力应该能让你放松身心，让你感觉更平静，思维更清晰。
Did he (or she) really mean what I think I heard them say? Am I assuming something that needs to be verified?
Is this situation as terrible as it feels right now? Am I possibly exaggerating its significance? taking it too seriously?
Is my notion of this person’s being unfair to me more a reflection of my self-interested bias than the other person’s trying to take advantage of me? Are their interests or concerns may be just as important, and legitimate, to them as mine are to me [i.e., do all you can to challenge your possible self-righteousness in the matter]?
Can I re-focus my attention on what I actually like about this person—and stop focusing exclusively on this particular behavior, which clearly I don’t like?
What’s the concrete evidence that he (or she) intentionally wanted to antagonize, hurt, or humiliate me? Am I taking this more personally than warranted?
Can I see this situation from the other person’s point of view (i.e., try to understand their motives more empathically)?
Might this person’s hard-to-take criticism have some rational basis to it? Is there something I can learn from it that, ultimately, might help me?
Is it possible I was misunderstood? Is it maybe my fault that the person failed to “get” what I was trying to communicate, and so reacted negatively to me? And if they’re just “dense,” do I really want to blame them for this?
Am I maybe taking what this person said too literally? Might they simply be kidding around—and it’s really my own insecurities or self-doubt that’s making me upset?
If this person really is being inconsiderate, mean, or nasty to me, have I also seen them act this way toward others? Can I remind myself that basically, this is their problem, not mine—and that I’m much better off simply not taking what they say to heart?
2、重新评估，我的意思是让你自己从一个不同的、更积极的角度看待激发你的情况。我再怎么强调也不过分，你的愤怒主要源于你对所发生事情的负面评价。改变这种观点，与之相关的情感也必须改变。所以问问自己这样的问题：
他（或她）真的是我认为我听到他们说的话的意思吗？我是在假设一些需要验证的东西吗？
情况是否真如现在感觉的那样糟糕？我是否可能夸大了它的意义？是否太较真了？
我对这个人对我不公平的看法是否更多地反映了我的自利偏见，而不是其他人试图利用我？他们的利益或担忧对他们来说是否和我的利益或担忧一样重要和合法[即尽你所能挑战你在这件事上可能的自以为是]？
我能不能把注意力重新集中在这个人身上我真正喜欢的东西上，不再只关注这个我显然不喜欢的特定行为？
有什么具体证据表明他（或她）有意与我对抗、伤害或羞辱我？我是不是太针对性了？
我能从对方的角度来看待这种情况吗（即，试着以更共情的方式理解他们的动机）？
这个人难以接受的批评是否有一些合理的依据？我能从中学到什么，最终对我有帮助吗？
会不会是我被误解了?也许是我的错，那个人没有“理解”我想要传达的东西，所以对我做出了消极的反应？如果他们只是“密集”，我真的想为此责备他们吗？
我是不是把这个人说的话太当一回事了？他们可能只是在开玩笑，其实是我自己的不安全感或自我怀疑让我心烦？
如果这个人真的真的很不体谅我、刻薄或下流，我有没有看到他们对别人也这样做？我能提醒自己，基本上，这是他们的问题，不是我的问题，我是不是最好不要把他们说的话放在心上？
生活中少了愤怒，你可能会感到更放松，也更快乐。只是永远不要忘记，外部事件只是你外部的事情，直到你在内心决定对它们做出反应。不断提醒自己，除了你自己，没有人有能力让你生气。因为，最终，这种“好战”的情绪是在你自己的头脑中产生的。
Deep breathing and meditation works wonders to calm anger. These are my first two go to’s whenever I find myself angry. Also, be aware that our emotions are our own. Meaning we have the ability to change how we feel at any time without needing someone else to change or do something for us to feel better.
This also brings, in most cases, instant calmness because it takes the power away from the other person that “angered me” and reminds me that I am the only one who is truly in control of my emotions.
Lastly, I would suggest once you are calm to analyze what made you upset in the first place. It’s always easier to just place all blame on the other person without ever challenging ourselves to see if maybe we had a misperception that is actually the culprit of why we got angry.
By doing this, you’ll also realize that many times it’s not necessarily what someone said or did that made us angry but our own perception about what they did or said.
深呼吸和冥想能对平息愤怒有奇效。每当我发现自己生气的时候，这是我最先想到的两件事。同时，要意识到我们的情绪是我们自己的。这意味着我们有能力在任何时候改变我们的感觉，而不需要其他人改变或做一些事情让我们感觉更好。
在大多数情况下，这也会带来瞬间的平静，因为这能让“激怒我”的人失去力量，并提醒我，我是唯一真正控制自己情绪的人。
最后，我建议一旦你冷静下来，首先分析一下是什么让你心烦。把所有的责任都推到别人身上总是比较容易的，而不去看看我们是否存在误解，而这种误解正是让我们生气的罪魁祸首。
通过这样做，你也会意识到很多时候，让我们生气的不一定是别人说了什么或做了什么，而是我们自己对他们所做或说的事情的看法。
when you get angry, [or frightened] your body dumps a chemical cocktail I call dangerblood into your bloodsteam that act like speed, jacks up your heart rate, makes you feel less pain makes you stronger and faster [also clumsier], makes your hands and knees shake.
It also has a PROFOUND effect on your mental state, makes you INTENSELY focused on the person, thing, or situation pissing you off, [or scaring you], and much more heedless about the ways you might come up with to deal with it.
It’s a physiologic reaction of your body to your mental state, there’s little ANYONE can do about it, some masters of yoga, zen and martial arts have reportedly gained SOME control over autonomic functions, but we mere mortals must exercise self control over how we allow ourself to REACT to this stimulation.
Adults have self-control, and if they feel themselves losing their temper, excuse themselves and walk away before saying and/or DOING something they’ll regret.
Deep breathing might help a bit…
The only way to learn how to control your temper
No matter HOW pissed off you are, even justifiably so, you are STILL legally and morally responsible for your actions.
Hope this helps
当你生气[或害怕]时，你的身体会向你的血液中倒入一种我称之为危险血液的化学混合物，它们提升你的心率，让你感觉更少的疼痛，让你更强壮、更快[也更笨拙]，让你的手和膝盖颤抖。
它还对你的精神状态有着深远的影响，使你集中精力关注让你恼火或吓唬你的人、事或情况，而对你可能想出的处理方法漠不关心。
这是你的身体对你的精神状态的生理反应，几乎没有人能对此做些什么，据报道，一些瑜伽、禅宗和武术大师已经对此做一些控制，但我们凡人必须自我控制，如何允许自己对这种刺激作出反应。
成年人有自制力，如果他们觉得自己在发脾气，请原谅自己，在说和/或做一些让他们会后悔的事情之前摆脱开。
深呼吸可能会有点帮助。
唯一的办法就是学会控制自己的脾气。
无论你多么愤怒，即使是合理的，你仍然要为自己的行为承担法律和道德责任。
希望这有帮助。
Sanjid Mallik写了一些短篇故事和文章
Although being shy and introverted, the habit of being angry has been with me since childhood. I got angry when a toy had gone lost. I got furious when someone made a joke on me. I appeared so fierce when somebody misbehaved with me.
I cursed at myself, shouted, even beaten myself up with fury when I messed something up—And I used to do it even a year ago, until I realised—that being angry at someone or somebody—defects no one's but the person's, and especially, my own peace of mind.
“Why do I feel angry at the world, as if the world would notice!” Marcus Aurelius, the emperor of Rome and the great Stoic philosopher wrote in Meditations. “And when frustrated with someone's behaviour,” he said, “we should turn around and ask ourselves ‘when you acted like that.’”
This realisation soon began to manifest into action. I started to notice, that whenever I was given an incentive to be angry, particularly if someone misbehaved with me, a voice inside me spoke up. I told myself, in one such incident, “It’s okay.” “It's okay,” I repeated. “You could have done that too. I know it doesn't make it any better, but it's okay.”
“It’s okay,” I reminded myself over and over, that, as the wise ones said, “ getting angry doesn't solve the problem, but worsens it.”
Having this conversation – or worse –argument with myself helped me suppress the negative emotion. I must know that I worth no more than a speck in the universe, that I am made of mere dust and to dust shall I return.
我只是抑制它。
虽然我害羞内向，但我从小就有生气的习惯。一个玩具丢了，我很生气。当有人跟我开玩笑时，我生气。当有人对我举止不当时，我也显得很凶。
当我把事情搞砸的时候，我诅咒自己，大喊大叫，甚至愤怒到打自己，我甚至在一年前还这样做了，直到我平静时意识到，对某人生气只会伤害到那个人。
“为什么我对世界感到愤怒，好像世界会注意到一样！”罗马皇帝、伟大的斯多葛哲学家马库斯·奥雷利乌斯在《Meditations》中写道。“当对某人的行为感到失望时，”他说，“我们应该回头问问自己‘你什么时候这样做的’。”
这一认识很快开始付诸行动。我开始注意到，每当我被激励生气时，特别是当有人对我举止粗鲁时，我内心会出现一个大声说话的声音。在一次这样的事件中，我告诉自己，“没关系。”“没关系，”我重复道。“你也可以这么做。我知道这不会让事情变得更好，但没关系。”
“没关系，”我反复提醒自己，正如智者所说，“生气并不能解决问题，反而会使问题恶化。”
与自己进行对话或者更糟的是辩论有助于我抑制消极情绪。我必须知道，我在宇宙中的价值不过是一粒尘埃，我只是由尘埃组成的，最终我会回到尘埃中。
“Ask yourself: Why can't I endure this?” Aurelius said, “And you'll be embarrassed by the answer.”
Remember, anger is but an emotion, a negative one, and like any other, with enough practice, it can be controlled.
Also, you aren’t to stop feeling emotions, but to attain mastery over them, so that you control your emotions, instead of them controlling you.
The Stoics used journaling as a method of learning about themselves, their emotions, controlling them, and using them in the right way. Like Anne Frank said,
Paper has more patience than people. We should put our destructive thoughts down on the page, leave them there, rather than projecting them on people, or hurting others with them.
Yet, I often find myself being angry, shouting at my sister if she messes up with my belongings, looking at people with scorn and judgment who do not agree with the views and opinions I have, and sometimes at myself for not being able to do what I thought must be done.
那为什么要生气呢？
“问问你自己：为什么我不能忍受这个？”奥雷利乌斯说：“你会对答案感到尴尬。”
记住，愤怒只是一种情绪，一种消极的情绪，和其他情绪一样，只要有足够的练习，它是可以被控制的。
同样，你不是要停止感觉情绪，而是要控制情绪，这样你就可以控制自己的情绪，而不是控制自己。
斯多葛学派使用日记作为一种了解自己、了解情绪、控制情绪并以正确方式使用情绪的方法，正如安妮·弗兰克所说，
纸比人更有耐心。我们应该把破坏性的想法写在纸上，放在那里，而不是把它们投射到别人身上，或者用它们伤害别人。
然而，我发现自己经常生气，如果我妹妹把我的东西弄乱了，我会对她大喊大叫，带着蔑视和判断力看着那些不同意我的观点和意见的人，有时责怪自己没能完成自己认为必须完成的事情。