父母有最喜欢的孩子吗（三）

Lenaigh Higgins, Paraprofessional Teacher

Lenaigh Higgins，辅助专业教师

Being the youngest of 4 I have several points of view on this.
I know for sure my parents each had favorites.
My oldest sister was a favorite because she was first born and also she was the smartest and had perfect grades all the time.
My oldest brother was my mother's favorite. Typical oldest son. Even my dad acknowledges this!! My brother was the most rambunctious, risk taker, driven personality…ambitious.
My 2nd brother was always in his older brothers shadow. He was the peacemaker, typical middle child…not oldest or the youngest? Not particularly driven like older brother.
Then me!! Not particularly smart, not a high achiever. I was more laid back, creative, a dreamer!!!

作为四个孩子中最年轻的一个，我对此有几点看法。
我确信我的父母都有自己的最爱。
我的大姐是最受欢迎的，因为她是第一个出生的，而且她是最聪明的，一直都有完美的成绩
我的大哥是我妈妈的最爱—典型的长子。连我爸爸都承认这一点！我哥哥是最任性、最敢于冒险、最有进取心的人—雄心勃勃。
我的二哥总是在他哥哥的阴影下。他是个和事佬，典型的中间年龄段孩子—不是最大，也不是最小，不像我哥哥那样特别冲动。
然后是我！不是特别聪明，也不是很成功。我更悠闲，更有创造力，更爱做梦！

My sister states our parents pushed her…expected a lot from her…she had more responsibilities than the rest of us. She ended up becoming a doctor.!
Oldest brother felt he was also expected to achieve a lot. But I also feel it was in his personality. So maybe my parents just encouraged him too. He was the first to get a job, make his own money, graduate from college, have a career. He became a police officer!
Youngest brother also graduated college and became a police officer!!! Following in older brother's shadow…but is very successful and well looked up to by his superiors and his community.
Then... me. The eternal “baby". No one asks for my input in decision making…every family gathering is planned before I even hear anything about it. I'm not a college graduate although I do have some college and trade school certifications and a career I enjoy.
It's strange how we all just kind of fit into our roles in the family order.
I guess “favorite” is the wrong term. Maybe each of us has strengths that parents recognize. They'll go to my sister for medical advise .
They go to oldest brother for help with logistical problems and support.
They go to my youngest brother for common sense .
Humm. Me?? Lol!! I guess when there's no other answer to a problem they want someone to think outside the box I can dream up some pretty interesting (creative) ways to solve a problem.
Hope that every child can see (are shown) their value in a family. But its important to let each child shine.

我姐姐说我们的父母推着她行动，对她期望很高，她比我们其他人有更多的责任。她最终成为了一名医生。！
大哥觉得他也应该取得很多成就。但我也觉得这是他的性格使然。也许我父母也鼓励了他。他是第一个找到工作，自己赚钱，大学毕业，有事业的人，他成了警察！
最小的弟弟也从大学毕业，成为了一名警官！活在哥哥的阴影下，但他非常成功，受到上级和社区的尊敬。
然后就是我这个永恒的“宝贝”。没有人要求我参与决策，每个家庭聚会都是在我听到任何消息之前就计划好的。我不是大学毕业生，尽管我有一些大学和贸易学校的证书以及我喜欢的职业。
奇怪的是，我们都能适应家庭秩序中的角色。
我猜“最爱”这个词是错误的。也许我们每个人都有父母认可的优点。他们会去找我姐姐寻求医学建议。
他们去找大哥帮忙解决后勤问题和提供支持。
他们去找我最小的哥哥咨询常识。
我嘛？哈哈！我想当一个问题没有其他答案时，他们希望有人跳出框框思考，我可以想出一些非常有趣（创造性）的方法来解决问题。
希望每个孩子都能看到他们在家庭中的价值。但让每个孩子都发光很重要。

Andy Kashen, Daytime Dilettante, Nighttime Renaissance Man
This question hits home for me on multiple levels. I was the favorite child of my mother over my younger sister and she was the favorite of my father. Both my parents told us they didn’t pick favorites and that they thought that was wrong but it was quite evident to us and others that they did, and it did damage – particularly to my sister who had problems with self-esteem. I swore to myself that when I had children I would not make the same mistake. .
My wife and I both believed in not picking favorites and we made a commitment to each other before we had kids that we would not favor one child over another. We ended up having two boys, two years apart, and they are now wonderful young men. I am very proud of both of them but raising them was not without trials and guilt on my part.
My elder son Jason was very much like me; very intelligent, artistic, and sensitive yet very independent. As a child he rarely got in trouble, did well in school without much prodding, and his friends were all the type a parent wishes for their children. Like me, he loved Superman and even wore his Superman suit to kindergarten, just like I did back in 1966. In many ways. But he was much more mature and risk-averse than I ever was.

这个问题在多个层面上击中了我的要害。我是妈妈最喜欢的孩子，而不是妹妹，妹妹是爸爸最喜欢的孩子。我的父母都告诉我们，他们不偏爱任何人，他们认为偏爱是错误的，但对我们和其他人来说，很明显，他们这样做了，这伤害了我们——尤其是对我妹妹而言，她自尊心很重。我对自己发誓，如果我有了孩子，我不会犯同样的错误
我妻子和我都相信不要有偏爱之心，在我们有孩子之前，我们彼此承诺，我们不会偏爱一个孩子。我们最终有了两个儿子，年龄相差两岁，他们现在都是很棒的年轻人。我为他们俩感到骄傲，但抚养他们对我来说并非没有考验和内疚
我的大儿子杰森很像我;非常聪明，艺术，敏感，但非常独立。当他还是个孩子的时候，他很少惹麻烦，在学校的表现也很好，而且他的朋友都是父母希望他们的孩子拥有的那种类型。和我一样，他也喜欢超人，甚至穿着超人服去幼儿园，就像我在1966年那样。但他比我成熟得多，也比我厌恶风险。

My younger son Ethan is also quite intelligent, but he needed more incentive to do well in school. For example, early on in middle school he wanted to have long hair and we told him he could grow out his hair if he went from a C to a B-average. He made it within one semester and kept a B average until a couple years later when he decided he wanted a mohawk. His mother and I were dead set against that idea but agreed if he got his grades to an A-average, thinking that was a bridge too far. But our skepticism was confounded by his 3.5 GPA about a year later. Fortunately, by then he no longer wanted the mohawk. Working to get good grades had become a habit. Nevertheless, Ethan always felt second-rate to his brother academically despite our efforts to shun such comparisons.
Ethan tended to hang out with mischief-making underachievers who would boss him around. I could tell at a very early age that this boy was going to be a challenge. If we expressed any disapproval of his friends, it only drew them closer. So his mother and I bit our tongues a lot. No matter what setting we put him in, he gravitated to the same type of kids. Ethan still has a bit of a naughty bad-boy air about him to this day, but in an endearing way (and sexy according to his girlfriends). And as a boy, I often was his partner in crime, for example, hiding him from his mom at bedtime – once putting him under the sofa cushions and sitting on him. He loved to take risky chances – something we share. He once shot the rapids with me tubing at age 7 and we capsized and he hit a rock and went under. I thought he might drown but was able to find and pull him out safe and sound. Ethan was always up for a wild dare – like getting thrown outside into a mound of snow naked in below-freezing temperatures.
Ethan also liked comic book movies but, unlike his brother, he always preferred the villains.

我的小儿子伊桑也很聪明，但他需要更多的激励才能在学校取得好成绩。例如，在中学早期，他想要留长发，我们告诉他，如果他从C级到B级，他的头发可以被留下来。他在一个学期内完成了学业，平均成绩保持在B，直到几年后他决定要留“莫霍克”发型。他的母亲和我坚决反对这个想法，但如果他的平均成绩达到A-，就同意，我们认为这几乎不可能。但他大约一年后成功了。幸运的是，到那时他不再想要留“莫霍克”发型了。努力取得好成绩已成为一种习惯，尽管如此，伊森在学业上总是觉得不如他哥哥，我们也努力避免进行这样的比较。
伊森倾向于和那些捣蛋的后进生混在一起，他们会对他指手画脚。我很小的时候就知道这个男孩对我而言会是一个挑战。如果我们对他的朋友表示不满，那只会使他们更亲近。所以他妈妈和我经常商量对策。不管我们把他放在什么样的环境中，他都会被同一类型的孩子吸引。伊森至今仍有一点淘气坏男孩的神气，但以一种讨人喜欢的方式（据他的女朋友说，他很性感）。当她还是个孩子的时候，我经常是他的犯罪伙伴，比如，在睡觉的时候把他藏起来，不让他妈妈看见—有一次我把他放在沙发垫子下面，坐在他身上。他喜欢冒险，这是我们的共同点。他7岁时曾和我一起在激流中射击，我们翻船了，他撞到了一块岩石，然后沉了下去。我以为他可能会淹死，但还是找到了他，把他安全地救了出来。伊森总是准备接受大胆的挑战—比如在零度以下，被赤身裸体地扔到外面的雪堆里。
伊桑也喜欢漫画电影，但与他哥哥不同的是，他总是喜欢反派。

There was another big difference between my boys. Ethan liked to give and receive hugs. Jason, not so much. Jason was more of a loner, preferring drawing and reading while Ethan just gravitated to wanting to spend time with me. Simple stuff mostly, he didn’t ask for much. We used to spend a lot of time in streams fishing or looking at wildlife. We liked to turn over big rocks together and I’d say, “there’s a surprise under every rock.” Then one day we took his best friend to the river and Ethan showed him his technique and said, “there’s a surprise under every rock.” He didn’t know I was in earshot when he said it and for some reason, this produced a well of warmth in me I have not forgotten to this day.
One day I was telling my best friend about my boys, in particular how Ethan was very honest and confided stuff to me most kids won’t. It dawned on me that I was spending more time talking about Ethan, just as in this answer, and I felt I needed to interject that I didn’t want him to think I loved one boy more than another. His reply was, “No I don’t think that, but it is obvious you feel closer to Ethan.” He was right. And then a wave of guilt came over me. He was my favorite. I felt I needed to discuss this and my guilt with my wife. I didn’t know what to do about it. How was it affecting the boys? She just said she hadn’t noticed any signs of it and said not to worry. So I just accepted it and tried to make sure I didn’t favor one boy over the other and tried to be more proactive to include Jason in doing stuff with me, which made little difference. But I tried. Otherwise, how could I help how I felt?

我的孩子们之间还有一个很大的不同。伊桑喜欢拥抱和接受拥抱。杰森是一个比较孤独的人，喜欢画画和阅读，而伊森只是想和我在一起。大多都是些简单的东西，他要求不多。我们过去常常花很多时间在小溪里钓鱼或观察野生动物。我们喜欢一起翻大石头，我会说，“每一块石头下面都有惊喜。”然后有一天，我们带着他最好的朋友去河边，伊森向他展示了他的技巧，说，“每一块石头下面都有惊喜。”他说这话的时候不知道我能听得见，出于某种原因，这使我心里产生了一股温暖，我至今还没有忘记。
有一天，我告诉我最好的朋友关于我的孩子们的事，特别是伊森是如何非常诚实，并且向我吐露了大多数孩子不会说的话。我突然意识到，我花了更多的时间谈论伊森，就像在这个回答中一样，我觉得我需要插一句，我不想让他认为我爱一个男孩胜过爱另一个男孩。他的回答是：“不，我不这么认为，但很明显，你觉得自己更亲近伊森。”他是对的。然后我感到一阵内疚。他是我的最爱。我觉得我需要和我妻子讨论这件事和我的内疚。我不知道该怎么办。这对孩子们有什么影响？她只是说她没有注意到任何迹象，并说不用担心。所以我只是接受了，并努力确保我不会偏爱其中一个男孩，我试着更积极主动地让杰森和我一起做一些事情，但收效甚微。但是我试过了。除此以外，我该如何控制我的感觉呢？

Now I need to fast-forward to Ethan’s first year at college. He’d worked hard to get into a great school, but unbeknownst to us, he’d followed his friends in high school into opiates and had developed a devastating addiction. He pawned his computer, stole from us, and our family began a two-year nightmare that is all too frighteningly common in this country across every state and socioeconomic level. Gone was the boy who never lied to me. He had to leave school and go into treatment and rehab. I can’t do justice to this experience in this answer but there are two things I want you to know. Ethan worked incredibly hard with the support of his family to regain control of his life and he has been completely clean and sober for over 9 years now. He is now completing his studies to be a psych nurse practitioner at Vanderbilt and continues to work to maintain his sobriety and help others with addiction.
The other thing I want you to know is what prompted me to write this answer in the first place. After Ethan failed his first attempt at rehab and relapsed is when he completely began to break down and open up to us. This was complicated and aided by the fact that our home had recently been destroyed by a fire and we lived in a cramped apartment (by this time, Jason lived in another city on his own). …Not exactly a banner year for us. Ethan held back tears as he told us everything he was ashamed of and what had hurt him in his life. He then looked at me and said he felt he could never measure up to Jason and that he had always felt that Jason was my favorite.
“Oh my God”, I said, “Please don’t think that, it isn’t true”. His mother nodded in agreement but it did not seem to assuage the situation. So I added, “Maybe I over-compensated trying not to show favoritism. I don’t know. But the truth is, Ethan, I’ve always felt closer to you. You are and have been my favorite son.” His mother nodded and interjected that I’d told her and my best friend about this years ago because I felt guilty about it. He could tell it was true. Ethan and I both broke down sobbing and hugged. I don’t think this was the event that turned Ethan around. His addiction and recovery were too complicated to ascribe to any single event. But I do think it was a key event and most of the progress was positive from then on.

现在我要快进到伊森的大学第一年。他为了进入一所好学校而努力学习，但我们不知道，他在高中时跟随他的朋友进入了鸦片制剂行业，并染上了毁灭性的毒瘾。他典当了他的电脑，偷了我们的东西，我们家开始了一场持续两年的噩梦，这在这个国家的每一个州和（相同）社会经济水平的家庭都非常普遍。那个从不对我撒谎的男孩不见了。他不得不离开学校，接受治疗和康复训练。我无法在这个回答中公正地描述这段经历，但有两件事我想让你们知道。在家人的支持下，伊森付出了难以置信的努力，重新控制了自己的生活，9年来他一直保持着完全的清白和清醒。他现在即将完成在范德堡大学(Vanderbilt)担任心理护理执业医师的学业，并继续努力保持清醒，帮助其他成瘾者。
我想让你们知道的另一件事是什么促使我首先写下这个答案。在伊桑第一次尝试康复失败并复发后，他完全开始崩溃并向我们敞开心扉。我们的家最近被一场火灾烧毁，我们住在一间狭小的公寓里，这一事实使情况变得复杂，而且有助于解决这个问题（此时，杰森独自一人住在另一座城市），对我们来说，这可不是什么好年头。伊桑忍住了眼泪，告诉我们他对着一切感到羞耻，以及他生命中受到的伤害。然后他看着我说，他觉得自己永远都比不上杰森，他一直觉得杰森是我的最爱。
“哦，我的上帝，”我说，“请不要这么想，这不是真的。”。他的母亲点头表示同意，但这似乎并没有缓和局势。所以我补充道，“也许我不想表现出偏袒，但我不知道有没有。但事实是，伊森，我一直觉得和你更亲近。你是我最喜欢的儿子，也一直是我最喜欢的儿子。”他的母亲点点头，插嘴说，我几年前就把这件事告诉了她和我最好的朋友，因为我为此感到内疚。他知道这是真的。伊桑和我都忍不住抽泣着拥抱。我不认为是这件事让伊森改变了主意。他吸毒成瘾，康复之路太复杂了，无法归因于任何单一事件。但我确实认为这是一个关键事件，从那时起，不断取得积极的进步。

Ashwin Ranganathan, Father of two fantastic boys.

Ashwin Ranganathan，两个神奇男孩的父亲。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

I have two kids - a 4 year old and a 1 year old. My oldest can be a doting, caring older brother but he will get frustrated at times when my wife and I split our attention between two of them when the attention was previously reserved only for him.
When I do that, he'll sometimes ask "do you like me or A better?"
I reply "J, you are my most favorite first son in the whole world."
It's misleading, but technically, it isn't untrue. I love both of them equally. Most importantly, he seems satisfied with the answer and usually walks away with a smile on his face.

我有两个孩子，一个4岁，一个1岁。大哥哥可能是一个溺爱他人、关心他人的哥哥，但当我和妻子把注意力分散在他们两人之间时，他会感到沮丧，因为以前我们的注意力只留给他。
当我这样做时，他有时会问：“你喜欢我还是更喜欢我？”
我回答说：“J，你是我在这个世界上最喜欢的第一个儿子。”
这是误导性的，但从技术上讲，这并不是不真实的。我平等地爱他们两个。最重要的是，他似乎对答案很满意，通常会带着微笑离开。

Sarah Schneider Gold, High Tech Program Manager

Sarah Schneider Gold，高科技项目经理

I’m going to try to be as honest as possible. After all, you didn’t ask if a parent loves one child more than the other, but rather if they have a favorite.
I have two sons and they are very different. My oldest (11) is often demanding, anxious and superficial. He’s also sensitive, popular, and easy to like. We have to work at our relationship sometimes, but we also have great talks and he’s a solid human with a huge heart and I prefer his company to most anyone else’s.
My youngest is one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met, an intuitive mystic-type of person and quick-witted and hilarious. I have an easy time getting along with him, unless we are both holding our ground in which case the battle could be epic. He’s logical and insightful and he has an uncanny ability to make me smile, no matter what else may be happening. He's one-in-a-million and I’m lucky to be his mom.
At any given time, I probably do have a favorite. It switches daily or hourly, though. Sometimes I’m just basking in (or missing) both of them.
When they ask me who’s my favorite, I usually answer something like, “whichever one of you takes out the trash.” So I’ll go with that.

我要尽可能诚实。毕竟，你没有问父母是否偏爱某个孩子，而是问他们是否有最爱的孩子。
我有两个儿子，他们很不一样。我的大儿子(11岁)经常要求高、焦虑、粗心。他还很敏感，很受欢迎，很容易被人喜欢。我们有时必须处理好我们的关系，但我们也有很好的谈话，他是一个坚强的人，有一颗博大的心，我最喜欢和他在一起。
我最小的儿子是我见过的最顽固的人之一，一个直觉神秘，机智而闹腾的人。我和他相处得很愉快，除非我们都坚持自己的立场，那样的话，这场战斗可能是史诗般的。他逻辑性强，见解深刻，无论发生什么事，他有一种不可思议的能力让我微笑。他是万里挑一的，我很幸运能做他的妈妈。
在任何时候，我都可能有自己的最爱。不过，它每天或每小时都会切换。有时我只是沉浸在（或享受）两者之中。
当他们问我谁是我的最爱时，我通常会回答这样的问题，“你们谁倒垃圾。”所以我同意。

Rose Voorhose, MSW Graduate - University of Southern California

Rose Voorhose，垃圾处理研究生-南加州大学

This is a question I've been exploring myself, as a parent of three sons and one daughter. I think the word "favorite" isn't quite on the mark, because that implies a personal preference, and even more specifically, a conscious choice between children. I don't think it quite works that way, at least for me.
I used to think that this question was really asking if you love one more than the others, but I've come to realize that it's more about whether you identify more with a particular son or daughter, whether perhaps you "see" more of yourself in one of them. And my answer to that would be, absolutely yes.
If you refrx this question as , "Among all your friends, do you have one that is favorite?", then it's much easier to understand the why behind my answer. Of course we have a "best" friend.

作为三个儿子和一个女儿的父母，我一直在探索这个问题。我认为“最爱”这个词不太恰当，因为这意味着个人偏好，更具体地说，是在孩子之间有意识的选择。我不认为这样做很有效，至少对我来说是这样。
我曾经认为这个问题实际上是问你是否偏爱一个人，但我逐渐意识到，这更多的是关于你是否更认同某个特定的儿子或女儿，或者你是否在其中一个孩子身上“看到”更多的你自己。我的答案是，绝对是的。
如果你把这个问题重新定义为“在你所有的朋友中，你有一个最喜欢的吗？”，那么就更容易理解我答案背后的原因。当然，我们有一个“最好”的朋友。“

Connie Ellison, former English Teacher, Retired

康妮·埃里森，前英语教师，已退休

How interesting: I was just talking about this with close friends yesterday! I am going through major maudlin mom anxiety and teary episodes because my younger child, my son, just graduated from high school. It’s absolutely stupid, and I want Cher to come and slap me across the face and yell, “Snap outta it!” (Moonstruck: what a movie!) I didn’t carry on like this when my daughter graduated four years earlier. And she was heading to a college FIVE hours away in the fall, whereas my son is going to community college, and staying at home for the next year, at least.
So, do I need to heap guilt upon myself because my son is my “favorite’”? I think not. My son was always the child I understood best: he is more like me. Like Hermione Granger, my solution to any problem is to go to the library. I read, I went to lectures, I did research. The bottom line is, I understand my son better than I understand my daughter. She is, in her thinking and her philosophy of life, much like my husband. He just “gets” her in a way I do not.
So, is the boy my favorite and the girl her dad’s? Not going there. We both adore them both. If my daughter feels the need to “just talk to Dad about it” that’s ok. When my son relates better to me, that’s ok too. Love isn’t quantitively measured.
Both of my kids know they are well and truly loved by both of their parents. . That’s all that matters.

多么有趣:我昨天还在和我的好朋友们谈论这件事呢！因为我的小儿子，我的儿子，刚刚从高中毕业，作为母亲，我正经历着焦虑和哭泣。这太蠢了，我希望雪儿过来扇我一巴掌，然后大叫，“别闹了!(《月色撩人》:好一部电影!)四年前我女儿毕业时，我并没有这样做。今年秋天，她要去五小时车程外的一所大学，而我儿子要去社区大学，至少明年要呆在家里。
那么，我是否需要因为儿子是我的“最爱”而让自己感到内疚呢？我想不是。我的儿子一直是我最了解的孩子：他更像我。像赫敏·格兰杰一样，我解决任何问题的办法就是去图书馆。我读书，听课，做研究。最重要的是，我比我女儿更了解我的儿子。从她的思想和人生哲学来看，她很像我丈夫。他只是以我不知道的方式“得到”了她。
那么，那个男孩是我最喜欢的，那个女孩是她爸爸的吗？不是这么一回事。我们都爱他们。如果我的女儿觉得有必要“跟爸爸谈谈”，那也没关系。当我的儿子和我关系更好时，那也没关系。爱是无法量化的。
我的两个孩子都知道他们的父母真心爱着他们。这才是最重要的

Michael Harper, Father of three sons

迈克尔·哈珀，三个儿子的父亲

Even though we're not supposed to, it is true.
I was my mom's favorite because I was the one who didn't get in trouble. I was my dad's favorite because I was his son.
As for myself, my middle son is more of my favorite because he's the one that loves to spend a lot of time with me. My oldest is a year from graduating high school and he's hardly ever home because he'd rather spend the time with friends. My middle son and I seem to have more common interests. My youngest son would rather spend time playing video games.
Will this feeling of favoritism change over time? I believe it will. The favoritism I described my parents had with me changed once my sister and I were old enough to be on our own. I believe my sister is my mom's favorite because they are both females and they share more common interests than my mom and I do.
I love my three sons equally.

尽管我们不应该这么做，但这是真的。
我是我妈妈最喜欢的人因为我是那个没惹过麻烦的人。我是父亲的最爱，因为我是他的儿子
至于我自己，我的第二个儿子是我最喜欢的，因为他是一个喜欢花很多时间和我在一起的人。我的大儿子高中毕业一年了，他几乎不在家，因为他宁愿和朋友们在一起。这个第二个儿子和我似乎有更多的共同兴趣。我最小的儿子宁愿花时间玩电子游戏。
这种偏爱的感觉会随着时间的推移而改变吗？我相信会的。我描述的父母对我的偏袒随着我和妹妹长大到可以独立生活的年龄而改变。我相信我的妹妹是我妈妈的最爱，因为她们都是女性，她们比我和我妈妈有更多的共同兴趣。
我同样爱我的三个儿子。