忘记你爱的人最好的方法是什么？（一）

Janin Lyndovsky, I have never planned anything, but I achieved my dream/goals

Janin Lyndovsky 我从来没有计划过什么，但我实现了我的梦想/目标

You don't get over love and actually you don't even want to get over love.
What you want to get over is either infatuation/sexual attraction or attachment, dependency, disappointed expectations, unfulfilled dreams.
I know what you say “No! No! you don't understand! I really loved her/him”. Yes, I know, you truly loved the person, nonetheless what hurt you was not love, but all the other stuff I wrote about. And I do understand, because... I was there.
Many years ago, I was in a loving relationship. We did everything together – lived together, studied together and... emigrated together. We were seen as “the perfect couple”.
One day my relationship ended – he threw me out of our home. I was absolutely devastated. I was homeless, on the other end of the world, without money, family or friends and the pain of broken heart was unbearable. I truly loved the guy, and I still do, regardless of what he did to me (no, it is not going about the fact that he broke up with me, but that in the last year he was really mentally abusive and at the end he threw me out of the house, and I had nowhere to live – strangers helped me through). I couldn't imagine life without him, he was my everything, my life turned around him. Without him my life simply didn't make sense.
How I dealt with the situation? Well, I concentrated on my career, I had to work very hard in order to not lose my visa in Australia. I was also researcher at the uni, so the evenings I spent studying. I was lucky to have such a wonderful dad as I have, so for the first 3 months almost every evening I called him to talk about my pain of broken heart. My dad was telling me one “He wasn't the one for you. You will meet somebody else and then you will understand what true love really means”. Often I was getting upset with my dad saying: “You don't understand, he was the one! I truly loved him!”

你没有忘记爱，实际上你甚至不想忘记爱。
你想要忘记的即是迷恋、性吸引，也是依恋、依赖、已经失望的期望、未实现的梦想。
我知道你会说“不！不你不明白！我真的爱她/他”。是的，我知道，你真的爱这个人，但伤害你的不是爱，而是我写的所有其他东西。我明白的，因为我也一样过。
许多年前，我处于一段充满爱的关系中。我们一起做每件事——一起生活，一起学习，还有......一起移民。我们被看作“完美的一对”。
有一天我的关系结束了——他把我赶出了我们的家。我彻底崩溃了。我在世界的另一端无家可归，没有钱，没有家人和朋友，心碎的痛苦难以忍受。我真的很爱他，不管他对我做了什么，我仍然爱他（不，这不是因为他和我分手，而是因为去年他一直在精神上虐待我，最后他把我赶出了家门，我没有地方住——陌生人帮我度过了难关）。我无法想象没有他的生活，他是我的一切，我的生活被他改变了。没有他，我的生活毫无意义。
我是如何处理这种情况的？嗯，我专注于我的事业，为了不丢掉我在澳大利亚的签证，我必须非常努力地工作。我也是大学的研究员，所以晚上我都在学习。我很幸运有这样一个好爸爸，所以在最初的三个月里，我几乎每天晚上都给他打电话，告诉他我心碎的痛苦。我爸爸对我说：“他不是适合你的人。你会遇到其他人，然后你就会明白真爱的真正含义”。我经常对爸爸说的话感到心烦意乱:“你不明白，他就是我命中注定的那个人!”我真的爱他!”

And I also had another friend, in Australia, who became like a brother to me. We caught up from time to time and we enjoyed some time together.
Three months after the break-up, I did something what everybody considered to be the most crazy thing I could do. Not having any money, I took a loan and bought... a motorbike. My financial situation was so bad, that I couldn't get any loan in Australia, and the only chance to get a loan was through... BMW (I lived in Germany and I had German driving license – somehow the people at BMW assumed that if I got deported from Australia, I would be deported to Germany and they would get their money back anyway). My loan wasn't small (everybody knows that BMW aren't cheap, even the second hand one...). Anyway, my dream, since I was a kid, was to ride on a motorbike across empty spaces of a foreign country. And it is what I did. I was working very hard during the week, and all weekends and holidays I spend traveling on a motorbike through Australia. I went to the most amazing places, met most wonderful people and had plenty of unforgettable adventures. And so I turned the worst year of my life into the most amazing time of my life.
I was sure I wouldn't be able to love again, but I was determined to move on with my life. I met somebody and got married – no, it wasn't love, it was just friendship, and... getting married wasn't the best decision I did in my life, but... I just wanted to get over the past. We bought a farm, that I absolutely love. So in some respect I had the perfect life – good job, a farm I always dreamed about, and no financial troubles. The farm filled the emotional emptiness in my life – I simply love the land and my animals.

我还有一个在澳大利亚的朋友，他就像我的兄弟一样。我们时不时地聚在一起，玩的很开心。
分手三个月后，我做了一件大家都认为是我能做的最疯狂的事。因为没有钱，但我借了一笔贷款买了摩托车。我的财务状况非常糟糕，在澳大利亚我无法获得任何贷款，而获得贷款的唯一机会是通过宝马公司（我住在德国，我有德国驾照——不知怎的，宝马的人认为如果我从澳大利亚被驱逐出境，也会被驱逐到德国，他们无论如何都能拿回他们的钱）。我的贷款额度不小（大家都知道宝马不便宜，即使是二手车）。不管怎么说，从我还是个孩子的时候起，我的梦想就是骑摩托车穿越异国的空旷地带。这就是我所做的：我每周工作日工作很努力，所有的周末和假期我都骑摩托车穿越澳大利亚。我去了最神奇的地方，遇到了最棒的人，经历了很多难忘的冒险。所以我把我生命中最糟糕的一年变成了我生命中最令人惊奇的一年。
我确信我不能再爱了，但我决心继续我的生活。我遇到一个人并结婚了——不，那不是爱情，只是友谊，还有结婚不是我一生中做的最好的决定，但是我只是想忘掉过去。我们买了一个我非常喜欢的农场。所以在某些方面，我过着完美的生活——有一份好工作，一个我一直梦想的农场，没有任何经济困难。农场填补了我生活中情感的空虚——我只是喜欢土地和我的动物。

Nonetheless, it is when I met someone else... I wasn't looking for love. I just met this guy and I had the feeling that I had to help him, he was in so much troubles. I was supporting him and being there for him whenever he needed me. I didn't even know that I loved that guy, I just wanted to help him and see him happy. And it was my dad who one day said “Who knows, maybe you two found each other. Now you know, what true love really means” At the beginning I was upset with my dad, but... Now I know that my dad was right... I love this man with all of my heart and he deeply loves me in return. We can't be together as a couple (our situations won't allow us this), but we are very close friends supporting each other through the toughest of times. And now I understand what love means, and the difference between love and attachment and expectations. I still love my former partner and I wish him all the best, but I wouldn't want to live with him anymore. Now I found somebody whom I love and who deeply loves me in return. We can't be together, but... It doesn't matter. The most important is love itself – though I can't be with him in a relationship, it is him who keeps me going in everyday life. Of course, I miss my friend, I wish to be with him and it is very hard when I can't even talk to him, but the most important for me is to see him happy, to support him in achieving his goals .
By the way, I never destroyed any photographs or anything what was bringing me closer to my former partner. I truly loved him, I got over the attachment and now when I look at all the photos from the past, I have smile on my face, because... The time with him was a beautiful chapter in my life, chapter that got closed to give a beginning for a new wonderful chapter in my life...
If you want to get over... attachment and disappointed expectations, then concentrate on that, what you love doing, regardless how crazy it might seem. Occupy your brain with this, what you love doing, be open to the world and to people, open to new opportunities in life and then, one day, you will get over the 'pain of broken heart'.

尽管如此，当我遇到其他人的时候，我并不是在寻找爱情。我刚刚遇到这个家伙，我觉得我必须帮助他，他遇到了很多麻烦。我一直在支持他，在他需要我的时候，我都会支持他。我甚至不知道我爱那个家伙，只是想帮助他，让他开心。有一天我爸爸说：“谁知道呢，也许你们两个找到了对方。现在你知道，真爱的真正含义是“一开始我生我爸爸的气，但是现在我知道我爸爸是对的。我全心全意地爱这个男人，他也深深地爱着我。我们不能像夫妻一样在一起（我们的情况不允许我们这样），但我们是非常亲密的朋友，在最艰难的时候互相支持。现在我明白了爱的含义，以及爱与依恋和期望之间的区别。我仍然爱着我的前任，我希望他一切都好，但我不想再和他住在一起了。现在我找到了一个我爱的人，作为回报，他深深地爱着我。我们不能在一起，但是没关系。最重要的是爱本身——虽然我不能和他在一起，但在日常生活中，是他支撑着我。当然，我想念我的朋友，我希望和他在一起，我甚至做不到不和他说话，对我来说，最重要的是看到他快乐，支持他实现他的目标。
顺便说一句，我从来没有毁掉前任的任何照片或者任何亲密的东西。我真的很爱他，我摆脱了对他的依恋，现在当我看到所有过去的照片时，我脸上都挂着微笑，因为和他在一起的时光是我生命中美丽的一章，这一章已经结束了，为我生命中新的精彩篇章揭开了序幕。
如果你想克服依恋和失望的期望之类情绪，专注于你喜欢做的事情就好，不管它看起来有多疯狂。用你热爱的事情来充实你的大脑，向世界和人们敞开心扉，接受生活中的新机会，然后，总有一天，你会克服“心碎的痛苦”。

Kate Seidel
im in the middle of this myself. its been 5 months since we broke up, to the very day, actually. some of what i say may scare you, but i promise when you reach that point, you won't be scared anymore. I remember when it happened i didn't get out of bed for 2 weeks, my friends all came by and looked after me. i didn't eat, id dint study, i took time off work.
because he really was a great guy. and people can tell you ‘think of all the bad times’, or ‘he treated you like shit’, etc, but maybe you know deep down that he didn't. i don't know your particular situation, but I'm going to assume its the hard option. the option where two good people, who genuinely care, just can't make it work. its such a hard pill to swallow. because you can't go on singing ‘hair’ by little mix or something, you don't even feel like you cant say anything bad about him. here you are, broken hearted, and you can't even say he did anything wrong. you might be thinking, I'm not worth him, and thats why he left, I'm a weight off his shoulders. the truth is, worth isn't even a thing. unless someone is a mass murderer or something, the idea of people having worth or being better is absolutely ludicrous and in fact disrespectful to everyone alive on this planet. he may have been the ‘best’ man in the entire world, but you know what? he wasn't the best man for you. and thats what counts.

我自己也在这个状态。事实上，到今天为止我们分手已经5个月了。我说的有些话可能会吓到你，但我保证当你到了那个时候，你就不会再害怕了。我记得当它发生的时候，我2个星期没有下床，我的朋友都来照顾我。我不吃饭，也不学习，还请假。
因为他真的是个好人。人们会告诉你“想想所有糟糕的时光”，或者“他待你像屎一样”，等等，但也许你内心深处知道他没有。我不知道你的具体情况，但我认为这是一个艰难的选择。两个真心相爱的好人，却不能在一起。这是一件难以下咽的事情。因为你不能继续唱《头发》之类的歌，你甚至不会觉得你不能说他的坏话。你现在心碎了，你甚至不能说他做错了什么。你可能会想，自己配不上他，所以他离开了。事实上，价值根本不存在。除非有人是杀人犯或其他什么人，否则认为人们有价值或变得更好的想法绝对是荒谬的，事实上这样说对这个星球上每个人来说就是不尊重他们。他可能是全世界“最好”的男人，但你知道吗?他不是你的如意郎君。这才是最重要的。

my ex was literally my dream man. he was funny, playful, extremely handsome, ripped, everyone loved him, he was so charismatic. i couldn't think of a better guy. I don't want it too look like I'm just talking about myself, but i just want you to know i know exactly who you feel. i know what its like to remember the smallest details, like how when he came to end it, he was wearing sun glasses, and i knew he did that when he is upset and is trying to hide it, and he wouldn't look at me. ill never forget those sunglasses. don't let anyone discount how you are feeling. you are going through a grieving process. biologically, to lose one’s mate is your ‘worst nightmare’, and people completely underestimate the pain of it. try your hardest to not think about it. the more we think of a memory the more we strengthen it. i can hardly remember some of our best memories together now because i have weakened them. it honestly helps. at night when you can't stop thinking about him, i play this game. i go through the alphabet and i think of a colour and an animal with that letter. for example: apricot anteater, blue baboon, cyan centipede, etc. it sounds ridiculous but it works.
the breakup set off my depression, which i am susceptible to, and i seriously considered ending my life. i am still depressed over it, but not as much. it was only about a month ago that i realised a sad truth. there are some things in life we can't save, that we can't have, no matter how much we try. and when that happens it can be hard to take, but you have no choice. you have absolutely no choice but to survive through it and recover. for once, be a little selfish for a while, only think of what is best for you, even if its the hard thing to do. don't think about how he might be doing, you have to train yourself to not care. accept this is another chapter in a painful past. accept that you will likely never stop loving him. but one day you will wake up and decide that despite that, you would rather not see him.

我的前任是我的梦中情人。他风趣，顽皮，非常英俊，肌肉发达，每个人都喜欢他，他是如此有魅力。我想不出比他更好的人了。我不想让你觉得我只是在谈论自己，但我想让你知道，我很清楚你的感受。我知道记得最细微的细节是什么感觉，当分手的时候带太阳镜，我知道当他难过的时候他会这么做，并且试图掩饰，他不愿看我。我永远不会忘记那些太阳镜。不要让任何人低估你的感受。你正在经历一个悲伤的过程。从生物学上讲，失去伴侣是你“最可怕的噩梦”，人们完全低估了它带来的痛苦。尽你最大的努力不去想它。我们越是想着一段记忆，就越是会强化它。我现在几乎记不起我们在一起的一些美好回忆，因为我削弱了它们。这确实有帮助。晚上当无法停止想他的时候，我就玩这个游戏：我数遍字母表，然后想到一种颜色匹配一种动物，例如:杏黄色的食蚁兽，蓝色的狒狒，青色的蜈蚣等等，听起来很可笑，但很有效。
分手让我变得抑郁，我很容易抑郁，我认真地考虑过结束自己的生命。我至今仍然为此感到沮丧，但没有以前那么沮丧了。直到一个月前，我才意识到一个可悲的事实：生命中有些东西我们无法挽救，无论我们如何努力，也无法拥有。当这种情况发生时，你很难接受，但你别无选择。你别无选择，只能挺过去，恢复过来。稍微自私一点，哪怕是一次，只考虑什么对你是最好的，即使这很难做到。不要去想他会怎么做，你必须训练自己不去在意。承认这是让痛苦过去的又一篇章。接受你可能永远不会停止爱他的事实。但总有一天你会醒来，做出决定尽管如此，你还是宁愿不见他。

some tips:
trust your body. know that moving on is a chemical proccess, too. surrender to your brain and your heart, and trust that they will heal
go no contact. seriously, you will NEVER get over it if you don't do this first for at least a year
it can be healthy in the start to feel a bit of hate, but after a few months, learn to not hate him. find inner peace
remember the bad things he did do, even if they were small
if your young, talk to people 40+ about their young relationships.
take this opportunity to get closer to friends and family
reorientate your life , make sure your goals are purely about you or your family
become what you loved about him- this sounds weird i know. but when i realised i didn't need to him to be ripped, or handsome, or kind etc for me, but i could be those things, i tried. i started going to the gym, i tried to do a few kind acts a day, and i discovered that by becoming the things i loved about him, i didn't need him so much anymore.
dont pretend to be fine if your not. cry it out, just cry it all out. i cried every day for about 2/3 months
if you ever want to talk, message me. i know its hard.

一些建议:
相信你的身体。要知道，继续生活也是一个化学过程。臣服于你的理智和内心，相信它们会治愈你。
不要联系。说真的，如果做不到至少一年不联系，你将永远走不出来。
可以在刚开始的时候觉得有点讨厌他，但几个月后，学会不恨他。找到内心的平静。
记住他做过的坏事，即使是小事。
如果你还年轻，和40岁以上的人谈谈他们年轻时的恋爱关系。
利用这个机会与朋友和家人走得更近一些。
重新定位你的生活，确保你的目标是完全有关于你自己或你的家人的。
成为你喜欢的那个人——我知道这听起来很奇怪。但当我意识到我不需要他的肌肉、英俊或善良等，但我可以成为这些东西时，我尝试了。我开始去健身房，我试着每天做一些善举，我发现，当我成为我喜欢那样人时，我不再那么需要他了。
如果你很不好，就不要假装很好。哭出来吧，哭出来吧。我哭了大约二十天。
如果你想谈谈，给我发信息。因为我知道这很难。

Howie Reith, Author of The Guyde: Science-Sourced Self-Improvement Advice
It is the same as getting over any other loss. Don't let it dominate your life. Give yourself a short time to mourn and during that time cry your eyes out. When you're done crying, you're done crying. Get back into your routine. Continue with business as usual and adopt new hobbies to fill the void if necessary. It will get easier every day.
This is going to hurt. Breakups hurt. Deaths of loved ones hurt. Losing friends hurts. Losing your childhood stuffed friend hurts. We feel pain when we lose connections in our lives, and even though your feelings were not reciprocated, they were real for you. The pain is normal, it sucks, and you're not going to like it. It is nevertheless part of life and it is something you must accept.
The difference between successfully getting through this pain and losing yourself in it is the actions you take immediately following its onset. The more time you spend in bed sulking over the loss the slower your recovery will be. The more quickly you can adopt your normal routine the faster it will be. We are creatures of habit.
When you're doing all the stuff you usually do when you're happy, your brain is going to start being happy again. When you continue doing everything you do when you're miserable, your brain's going to continue to stay miserable.

这和克服其他任何损失是一样的。不要让它主宰你的生活。给自己一小段时间来哀悼，在这段时间里痛哭流涕。当你哭完的时候，回到你的日常生活中。像往常一样继续工作，如果有必要，培养新的爱好来填补空白。这将变得越来越容易。
这会很痛的，分手让人很伤心，亲人的死亡让人受伤。失去朋友让人受伤。失去儿时朋友很痛苦。当我们在生活中失去联系时，我们会感到痛苦，即使你的感觉没有得到回报，但痛苦的感觉对你来说是真实的。疼痛是正常的，很难受，你不会喜欢这种感觉。然而，这是生活的一部分，你必须接受。
成功地度过痛苦和在痛苦中迷失自我的区别在于你在痛苦开始后立即采取的行动。你在床上生闷气的时间越长，你恢复就会越慢。你越快适应你的日常生活，它就会越快恢复。我们是习惯的动物。当你在做那些你快乐时通常会做的事情时，你的大脑会再次变得快乐起来。当你继续做那些你在痛苦时做的事情时，你的大脑也会继续痛苦下去。

While you want to get back to your normal routine as soon as possible, it is still vital you have a period of mourning. Without properly mourning, you're probably going to stuff your feelings into a dark little hole where they'll eat away at your subconscious mind. You don't want that. Give yourself a period of mourning, but make sure it is a finite period, and make sure it is genuinely about mourning, not about making yourself feel important by seeking sympathy from others.
Here's what I do. Take a day off. On that day, go the grocery store and pick up two boxes of tissues. Go home and go through your stuff and find things that remind you of the relationship. Reflect on your memories. Open up the wound, and then, cry your ass off. Cry, cry, and keep on crying. Don't hold it back. Don't think of it as "unmanly" or "childish" or whatever other thing the voices in your head are telling you it is. It is the right thing to do. You cry and you keep on crying until you're all cried out, and then if you feel like crying more later, you cry more later. When you've cried all the tears you need to cry, blow your nose, drink a glass of water, and if it's late, go to bed. The next morning, you make yourself breakfast, take your shower, go to work, go visit your friends, do any chores, and you keep on living. You gave this relationship the mourning it needed. It's time to get on with your life.
From that day on you will always miss the person or thing you lost. You will miss your friend you'll never see again. You will miss your deceased parent. You will miss your ex. But you will keep on living and it will not stop you from being happy. I've found this to be the best way to deal. I mourn as hard as I can for as long as I need to, and then once I've had enough, I've had enough. I continue living my life. Don't feel guilt. Don't feel shame. Don't feel regret. You don't deserve any of those feelings. Life includes a lot of hard and sad things. When they happen, it's ok to feel sad. It's also ok to feel happy the rest of the time.
In short, cry, and then get back to your routine. Hope this helped you out

当你想尽快回到正常生活时，有一段时间的哀悼仍然很重要。如果没有适当的哀悼，你可能会把你的感觉塞进一个黑暗的小洞里，它们会吞噬你的潜意识。你不会想那样的。给自己一段时间的哀悼，但要确保是有限的时间之内，并且要确保这是真正的哀悼，而不是通过寻求别人的同情来让自己觉得自己很重要。
我是这么做的：请一天假，去杂货店买两盒纸巾。回家翻看你的东西，找出能让你想起这段感情的东西。反思你的记忆，把伤口切开，然后大哭一场。哭，哭，一直哭。别犹豫了，不要认为这是“没有男子气概”或“孩子气”或其他任何你脑海里的声音告诉你的事情。这是正确的选择。你会哭，一直哭，然后如果你想哭得厉害些，你就哭得更厉害。当你哭完该哭的眼泪，擤擤鼻子，喝杯水，如果很晚了，就上床睡觉。第二天早上，你给自己做早餐，洗澡，上班，去拜访朋友，做任何家务，然后继续生活。你给了这段感情它需要的哀悼。是时候继续你的生活了。
从那天起，你会一直想念你失去的人或事。你会想念你再也见不到的朋友。你会想念你已故的父母。你会想念你的前任，但你会继续生活，这不会阻止你快乐。我发现这是最好的解决办法。只要我需要，我就会竭尽全力地哀悼，一旦我受够了，我就受够了。我继续我的生活。不要感到内疚。不觉得羞愧，不要觉得遗憾，你不应该有这些感觉。生活中有很多艰难和悲伤的事情。当它们发生时，感到悲伤是正常的。在其他时间感到快乐也是可以的。
总之，哭一场，然后回到你的日常生活中去。希望这能帮到你。