QA：我该不该与虐待我的父亲重归于好？

Dysfunctional Families Now you listen to me, son. You have a boundary with that man that may just be the best thing for you and your family. Your girlfriend may not know what it is to be mistreated as a child but you and I do.
You are a man and soon will have a family to love and protect. Put your foot down. People who abuse children are evil. Period.

现在你听我说的吧，孩子。你与那个男人现在有了界限，这可能是对你和你的家人最好的事了。你的女朋友可能不知道作为一个孩子被虐待到底是什么感受，但你和我是知道那是什么滋味的。
你是一个男人，而且很快就会有一个需要爱和守护的家庭。现在把你回去找那个人的脚步放下吧，虐待儿童的人就是邪恶的，就这样。

Getting men to talk about their traumas is like pulling teeth though. I know I have a difficult time getting my partner to open up, so maybe the OP's wife-to-be may not know the whole story. He needs to explain to his fiancee exactly why he does not want his father to be apart of his, and especially not his future children's lives, and she needs to understand that her perfect image of having both their parents there for their wedding is not worth her partners’ mental health. It is just not that important to him to “reconnect” with his POS father, and she needs to respect that.

（回答评论）让男人谈论他们的创伤就像拔牙一样痛苦，比如我就知道我很难让我的男朋友敞开心扉。所以，也许题主的未婚妻可能并不知道整个故事是怎样的。他需要向他的未婚妻好好解释一下为什么他不希望他的父亲成为他生活的一部分，特别是不希望他未来孩子的生活里有他父亲存在，而答主女朋友需要明白，她希望双方父母都出席他们婚礼上的完美形象和她的伴侣的心理健康比起来完全不值得。对答主来说，与他的父亲 "重新联系 "并不是那么重要，她需要尊重这一点。 Don Daniels in an interfaith marriage for 45 years and countingJuly 6
有45年 的跨宗教婚姻

I have sort of been there. My dad was a narcissist and a racist, but not really abusive to me or my sister, he just always put what he wanted above what anyone else did. He would publicly mock me and humiliate me, and he and my mother vehemently disapproved of my marriage. I didn’t invite them, because they had made it clear they would not be coming (I was their only son and we were Jewish, and I was marrying my Italian-descent Roman Catholic bride in her church) but my bride sent them an invitation. The wedding was in Miami, and they were ex-pat Americans living in London, England.

我也有过这样的经历。我父亲是个自恋狂和种族主义者，虽然他也并没有真正意义上虐待我或我妹妹，他只是总是把他想要的东西放在别人的事情之上。他会公开嘲笑我，羞辱我，而且他和我母亲坚决反对我的婚姻。我也没有邀请他们参加婚礼，因为他们已经明确表示他们不会来（我是他们唯一的儿子，我们是犹太人，而我要在教堂里和我的意大利裔罗马天主教新娘结婚），但我的妻子给他们发了邀请。婚礼是在迈阿密举行，而我父母是居住在英国伦敦的前美国人。

She had met him once, when he and my mom (whom she had met before) came to Miami, and during a dinner at her parents’ home, they did their best to humiliate me in front of her family, to persuade them to pressure her to break off the engagement. It didn’t work. My mom did come to Miami, explicitly to boycott the wedding. She had no way to get to the church, but expected me to leave and drive to her hotel, which was about 40 miles away from the church, where she would make a last attempt to talk me out of it. I told her she was nuts and hung up. Had she attended the wedding, she would likely have made a scene, hollering, etc. That’s just the kind of person she was when she got angry and determined enough. And she had traveled 5,000 miles to stop me from getting married; she was angry and determined enough. Over my obxtions, my wife insisted on paying the photographer for a “parents’ wedding album” for them, even though the only person there on my side was my sister, and my co-workers.

我妻子见过我父亲一次，当时他和我妈妈（她们以前见过）来到迈阿密，在我岳父岳母家的晚宴上，他们竭力在岳父母的面前羞辱我，劝说他们向我妻子施压，让她解除婚约。不过这并没有奏效。而我妈妈又在婚礼前来到了迈阿密并明确表示要抵制这场婚礼。她不知道该怎么去教堂但希望我开车去她的酒店，那里离教堂大约有40英里远，在那里她会做最后的努力来说服我放弃婚礼。我告诉她她是个疯子，然后挂断了电话。如果她真的参加了这场婚礼的话，她很可能会在现场大吵大闹，大喊大叫等等。当她足够愤怒和坚定的时候，她就是这样的人。而她跑了5000英里来阻止我结婚，她已经足够愤怒和坚定了。不顾我的反对，我的妻子坚持付钱给摄影师为我父母制作了 "父母的婚礼相册"，尽管在场的只有我的姐姐和我的同事们。

I never closed off the lines of communication, though. They could call me at home or at work and I would always take their calls. I always answered their letters. (This was in 1974–5. Before emails, and phone calls were all AT&T (monopoly) ran about $2 per minute. So I didn’t call them, but I always took their calls.
Later, though, they mellowed. Maybe their first grandchild had something to do with that. They apologized for their behavior. They grew closer to my wife and her family when they finally moved to Miami Beach three years later.

不过我也从未关闭过沟通的渠道。他们有时在家里或工作时给我打电话，我总是会接他们的电话和回复他们的信件。(这是在1974-5年。在电子邮件流行之前，电话都是被垄断的所以很贵，每分钟大约要2美元。所以我没有给他们打过电话，但一直会接他们的电话）。
不过后来他们也变得更成熟了，也许这与他们的第一个孙子有关系。他们为自己之前的行为道了歉。三年之后，他们也终于搬到了迈阿密海滩，并与我妻子和我岳父母也越来越亲近。

You probably need to explain to her some of the things he did to humiliate you in public, and that you will not take the risk of him doing that on this, the wedding day! You do not want to remember that for the rest of your life, and you can tell her you would absolutely never be able to forgive them for that, and the fact that she insisted on enabling it would be sore spot in your relationship going forward that you might well rankle for years, if not forever.
I don’t know your father. Depending on how far off the wedding is, you might offer to give him another chance, but at the first sign that he is still abusive, it all stops. Red alx, the shields go up, and you revert to treating him as you would anyone else who displays hostile intent.

你可能需要向你父母解释清楚他们在公共场合羞辱你的到底是怎么样一回事，而且你不会冒着他们在婚礼上这样做的风险！如果你不想在你的余生中后悔万分的话，你可以告诉他们你绝对无法原谅他们，而他们坚持那样做的事实将永远成为你们关系中的痛点，否则你很可能会痛心疾首多年。
我并不了解你父亲，但根据婚礼安排的时间长短，你可以提出再给他一次机会。但只要一有迹象表明他仍想着虐待你，一切都可以停下了。发出红色警报，升起你的盾牌，像对待其他表现出敌意的人那样对待他。 MewStrawberry Former Admin Assistant (2012–2015)
前行政助理（2012年至2015年）

Just like you, I don’t tolerate abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic behavior from anyone. I cut off ties or keep my distance. But I have noticed that it comes with a price. I cut ties from my father after he cheated on my mom, literally disowned and abandoned my siblings and I, and after hearing he would keep money from us and allowed us to go through financial struggle (tortillas and beans), I had enough reason to cut ties. He replaced us with his lovers kids and that left me scarred. But recently, he’s in a very lonely and unhealthy place. He was rushed to the ER because his blood levels were dangerously low, has some sort of stomach disease that isn’t allowing him to gain weight or process food correctly, and has knee problems.

跟你一样，我从不容忍任何人的对我的虐待或操控行为，我会跟他们切断联系或保持距离。但我注意到这是有代价的。在我父亲欺骗了我妈妈，从听说他从我们这里克扣生活费让我们穷到吃玉米饼和豆子之后，我有足够的理由并的确跟他断绝了父子关系。他用他和他情人生下的孩子来取代了我们，这让我留下了心理的伤痕。不过最近，他处在一个非常孤独和生重病的状况。他被紧急送往了急诊室，因为他的血糖浓度低得非常危险，他得了某种胃病使他不能够正常的消化食物和增加体重，而且他膝盖也有问题。

There are many reason I can justify my actions; there are plenty because he’s missed out on so many chapters in my life and he was never there when I needed him. These reasons are valid and the emotions are too, but I am recently learning the value of time. I heard from someone recently: “Don’t let those last years be full of sadness or tears.” Wise choices start with a person. I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw my dad, but I did talk to him recently. I’ve come to realize that I have been choosing to keep my distance from him all this time and that became even more hurtful than what he did. Why? Because I started thinking about my future, my future husband, my future children, in what kind of values, morals, stories etc. they will internalize and show as adults. I want my children to forgive me the day I fail them and they’ll do that because they saw it through me.

我有很多理由可以为我的行为辩解；有很多理由是因为他错过了我生命中的许多篇章，在我需要他的时候，他从来没有在我身边。这些理由和我的情绪都是合理的，但我最近正在学习时间的价值。最近我听到有人说 "不要让那些最后的岁月充满悲伤或泪水"。明智的选择从一个人开始。说实话，我不记得我最后一次见到我父亲是什么时候，但我最近确实和他聊过天。我逐渐意识到了这段时间我一直选择与他保持距离，这变得比他的所作所为还要更伤人。为什么我会意识到呢？因为我开始考虑我的未来，我未来的丈夫，我未来的孩子，以及我的孩子会在他们成年后会得到什么样的价值观、道德观和他们的故事等。我希望我的孩子在我辜负他们的那一天能原谅我。

In the end, it is your choice. Abusive parents like the one you described, don’t deserve I think the role of being a parent. It’s just not fair for their kids nor the generations to come because it messes people up and it creates generational bonds that can be so hard to break. I don’t like how your gf is begging you or kind of pushing your buttons to do it. It’s not that simple. You don’t have to re-connect ties with him, but perhaps just finding closure on your end can help.

归根结底，这还是要看你自己的选择。像你描述的那种虐待你的父母，我认为他们根本就不配做父母。这对他们后代一点也不公平，因为他们只会把一切搞得一团糟，而且这还创造了难以打破的代际联系。我很不喜欢你的女友是如何恳求你或者是如何逼迫你来让你们和好的，这可不是那么简单的事情。你不必与他重新建立联系，也许只是在你单方面找到结束关系的机会就可以了。 Tom McKenzie Curmudgeonly Know-It-AllJuly 6 I’ve been there. I introduced my girlfriends to my father exactly once, making a point of keeping those interactions to an absolute minimum each time. When I severed my relationship with my father, I moved 500 miles away, and cut him - and everyone else in my family, once they began suggesting reconciliation - out of my life.

He’d met the women I wound up marrying the aforementioned once, but that didn’t stop him from having acid to spew in her general direction. She didn’t encourage reconciliation, and when we married, I made it a point to ensure that no one in my family knew about it in advance - just to ensure he didn’t make an appearance and ruin it.

我也有过这样的经历。当我每次把我的女朋友介绍给我的父亲时，都把跟他的互动保持在绝对的最低限度内。当我与我父亲断绝关系后，我搬到了500英里以外的地方，并把他和建议我跟他和解的所有家人从我的生活中剔除出去了。
他见过的我的一个女朋友最后跟我结婚了，但这并没有阻止他向她喷酸液。我妻子也不鼓励我们和解，当我们结婚时，我特意确保了我的家人没有人提前知道这件事，这也只是为了保证他不会突然出现并毁掉我们的婚礼。

There was a period of 9 years, 4 days from the day I moved away to the day he died. During that time and despite 500 miles distance, I know for fact he stopped by my homes twice and my place of business once - thankfully, in each case, I wasn’t there. We never spoke again after I left, and I waited until that man was dead and buried before my wife and I began having children, to ensure they’d never be exposed to him.
If you’re still accepting advice on this subject, or if anyone in a similar circumstance is reading this, understand this: there’s a damned good reason you cut ties. Leave them cut. Trust me - you’re better off. My break was nearly 30 years ago now, and while there’s not more than a few days that go by without thinking about my relationship with my father and how it ended, those days go by without a moment’s regret.

从我搬走的那天到他去世的那天，有9年零4天的时间。那段时间里尽管相距着500英里，但我知道实际上他在我家里停留过两次，在我的生意场所停留过一次——幸好每次都是我不在的时候。在我断绝父子关系后我跟他再也没有说过一句话，我一直等到那个人死了埋了，我和我的妻子才开始生育孩子，只是确保我的孩子们永远不会接触到他。
如果题主还在寻求关于这个问题的建议，或者如果现在有任何处于类似情况的人正在读我的回答，请要理解这一点：如果让你要切断关系有一个该死的好理由，那就切断掉吧。相信我，你会过得更好的。我断绝关系后至今已近30年，虽然也没几天能不想到我和父亲的关系以及这是如何结束掉的，但那些日子已经总算是过去了，我也没有片刻遗憾。

Tanya Battaglia
She doesnt have to agree with your decision but she does need to respect it. I believe forgiveness is a powerful and beneficial thing to all people involved but that does not mean you HAVE TO try to reconnect with that person even if you forgive them. Theres a chance your father has changed with old age and is very regretful about how he treated you or he could be the same as before thinking he did nothing wrong. Ultimately its your choice if you want to find out. I do think some people regret not finding that out when an abusive parent dies, no real closure which I think is important.

你女朋友不一定要同意你的决定，但她确实需要尊重你的决定。我相信宽恕是一个很好的、对所有相关人员都有好处的事情，但这并不意味着你必须尝试与那个人重新联系，即使是你已经原谅了他。你父亲有可能随着年龄的增长而改变，对他曾经对待过你的方式感到非常后悔，或者他可能和以前一样认为自己没有做错什么。归根结底，如果你想找到答案的话，还是要看你自己的选择。我确实认为有些人很后悔没有在虐待过他们的父母去世时发现这一点，我觉得这还是很重要的。

My fiance does not love his mother because she was neglectful and verbally abusive. He lives in her house but has no relationship with her even when she tries to do nice things for him. From what Ive seen she has tried to be different in his adult life but for him its “too late”. Ive asked him a couple times if he will invite his mom to our wedding but he always says no. Neither his mom or dad(he cares about his Dad but hes one of those “absent fathers”, let his mom always do & say what she wanted) will be attending and though I see that as a complete slap in the face to them Ive had to accept it and support him no matter what. I also have a bad relationship with my mom but will invite her because its the right thing to do in my opinion. But neither of us have suffered physical abuse like you so it is different.

我的未婚夫不爱他的母亲，因为她疏于管教自己的孩子，而且言语上有虐待行为。他住在他目前家但与她没有交流，即使他母亲试图为他做一些事情。据我所知，在他成年之后他母亲也尝试了改变，但对他来说已经 "太晚了"。我问过他几次他是否会邀请他妈妈参加我们的婚礼，但他总是说不会。他的妈妈和爸爸（他还是关心他的爸爸，但他是那种 "缺席的父亲"，让他的妈妈总是做她想做的事和说她想说的话）都不会参加，虽然我认为这完全是对他们的一种打脸，但我还是不得不接受，并且无论如何都要支持他。我和我妈妈的关系也不好，但我会邀请她，因为在我看来这是正确的事情。我们没有像你一样遭受过身体上的虐待，所以情况不太一样。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

If you havnt already try telling your girlfriend in DETAIL about how inviting your father makes you feel. Some men are better then others at explaining how they feel, maybe she doesnt truly understand especially if she had a different childhood. I know my boyfriend can be very vague when he first explains a feeling he has but I continue to question him in different ways to better understand. The mind of a man and a woman can be VERY different sometimes. It helps when one or both people in the relationship understands that.

你是不是还没有尝试跟你女朋友谈谈，详细说明一下邀请你父亲会给你带来的感受。不过也许她并不真正理解，特别是如果她有一个不同的童年。我知道我的男朋友在第一次解释他的感觉时我感觉非常难以理解，但我继续以不同的方式去询问他以更好地理解他的感受。男人和女人的思想有时可能非常不同。如果关系中两个人都能理解到这一点，就会有所帮助。 Nancy Denmark Studied Social Work (Graduated 1991)July 13
社会工作专业在读
When I got remarried, I had no relationship with my mother and my then husband wanted me to have a relationship with my mom even though I told him all the reasons why I stay away. I gave in to him but he eventually found out that he should have left it alone. She tried to ruin our lives! I say, stand your ground with your gf. Explain that there are some things that need to stay buried, and you will not dig this back up. I wish i had done the same. I would work on forgiveness but that doesn’t mean having a relationship. The forgiveness is for you, so you don’t hold resentment that becomes bitterness. But that doesn’t mean going & trying to have a relationship unless you want to try to have one. But people have good intentions but don’t really understand that you know these people very well & they do not. I would even explain it to the gf that way. I know you have good intentions and I appreciate that but you don’t know this person. I have forgiven him or her but I will not give them another opportunity to hurt me or you. I am also protecting you! If you love me, you have got to trust me on this issue. That is what I should have done! 当我再婚时，我与母亲没有任何联系，而我当时的丈夫希望我与母亲重新联系，尽管我已经告诉过他所有我疏远母亲的理由。最后我还是向丈夫屈服了，但他最终发现他不应该管这事，因为我母亲试图毁掉我们的生活。我现在对你说，你对你的女朋友一定要坚持你自己的立场。解释一下有些事情是需要埋藏起来的，而且你不会再把它挖出来了。我希望我也能这样，我会努力宽恕我母亲，但这并不意味着我们就要有联系。宽恕是为了自己，这样就不会把怨恨变成痛苦。这并不意味着就去尝试重新建立与他们的关系，除非你的自己真的已经想好了。
人们总是很好心的劝你和好，但他们并不真正了解情况。如果是我的话我甚至会这样向你女友解释：“我知道你是出于好意，我很感谢你，但是你并不了解这个人到底是啥样的。我已经原谅了他或她了，但我不会再给他们机会来伤害我或者你。我这也是在保护你啊! 如果你爱我的话，你就必须得在这个问题上相信我!” Mona Langer Animal Rescue Advocate (2004–present)May 31
动物救援倡导者

Your GF is living in a fantasy world. Where everyone reconnects, hugs and lives happily ever after. Educate her. There are websites, articles, support groups… a million places to garner information. Ask her how she will feel the first time he beats one of your children. I am sure she would expect YOU to step in and stop it from happening, right? Well, what she doesn’t seem to realize… is that you ARE stopping it from happening. No one belongs in your life because the are related to you. They belong in your life from showing you love and respect. He has done neither and deserves the distance he gets. If she cannot understand how important your mental health is, and how unhealthy this would be for you… please don’t rush into a marriage. This type of behavior may be a pattern, and you need time to make sure that it is not. Your spouse should want to protect you from pain at all costs, not have their own personal agenda… which is… what? The image of a perfect family? Be careful, and good luck.

你女朋友真是生活在一个幻想的美好世界里。在那个世界里，每个人都会和好并重新联系起来，拥抱彼此从此过上幸福的生活。好好教育一下她吧，有很多网站、文章、团体......等无数的地方都可以获得相关的信息。问一问她，如果你父亲第一次动手殴打你们的孩子，她会有什么感受。我相信她会希望你能介入其中并阻止这种事情的发生，对不对？那么，她似乎没有意识到......你现在就是正在阻止这种事情的发生。没有人因为跟你有什么关系就能插手进入你的生活。属于你的生活的人是因为他们向你表达了他们对你爱和尊重。而你父亲这两样都没有做到，所以他应该得到的是跟你之间的疏离。如果你女朋友还是不能理解这你的心理健康有多重要，那就请不要急于跟她结婚。否则这类事情说不定以后还会像一种模式一样继续发生，而你现在需要时间来确保最好不会这样。你的配偶应该是不惜一切代价保护你免受痛苦的，而不是有他们自己的什么个人想法......总之，要小心注意，祝你好运。

Andrew Milo Former Tech SupportJuly 26

前技术支持顾问

Don’t let people convince you to do something you wouldn’t convince them to do.
This is your decision. Ask your girlfriend why she wants you to reconnect? Depending on the family dynamics, she may think if your dad is not there, people she knows will use that as an excuse to shame her in some way, and she is more concerned or only concerned about that. and doesn’t care about the negative affect to your mental health on your wedding day.
Take that as alarm bells that you may need to work on some things. Neglect/abuse over time can affect your ability to stand up for yourself, and you end up in abusive relationships. Begging is manipulation, and shows a lack of respect for peoples decisions and in this case boundaries too.
Each time you conceded on something that negatively affects your mental health, you increase your chances of developing depression, anxiety anger issues, and other symptoms. Each time you stand up for yourself and make sure your rights are respected, you decrease the chances.

不要让人们劝说你做一些你不会去劝说他们做的事情。
这是你自己的决定。问问你的女朋友，她为什么要你跟你父亲重新联系？根据目前家庭的动态，她可能认为如果你父亲不出席婚礼的话，她认识的人会以此为借口来以某种方式羞辱她，而她更关心或就只关心这一点，而不关心在你婚礼当天这对你的心理健康所产生的负面影响。
把这当作一个警钟吧，你可能需要在一些事情上努力。之前长时间所遭受的的忽视和虐待行为会影响你为自己所站起来的能力，你最终会陷入到一种被虐待的关系中去。而你女朋友的恳求也是一种操控行为，表明她不尊重别人的决定，在这种情况下也是一种不尊重别人底线的行为。
如果你每次都在对你的心理健康有负面影响的事情上让步，就会增加患上抑郁症、焦虑症、愤怒症以及其他精神疾病的概率。而如果每一次你都能为自己站出来，确保你自己的权利得到尊重，你就减少了这种概率。

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