外国网友分享自己为什么单身的故事（2）

Valentina Kottmann
, BSc from Loughborough University (2019)
This is actually going to be my first answer on Quora, but I think I am qualified to answer this question.
So I have been single since 1995 (I am 23 years old). I never had something that was even remotely close to what you would call a relationship. I have also never been in love or had a crush (I thought I had crush(es), but then I realised that I never had a conversation/interaction with that person so it was more like an admiration from afar).
Reasons why I think I am single:
I do not go out so much. That results in less opportunities of meeting the right person. But then again I participate in a sport that is mainly male dominated - opportunities?
I am introverted. I am not the person to just go around and introduce myself, so unless the guy is brave it is not going to happen.

这实际上将是我在Quora上的第一个答案，但我认为我有资格回答这个问题。
基本上我从1995年（我当时23岁）起就一直是单身。我从来没有过与你所说的关系的东西。我也从来没有恋爱或暗恋过（我以为我有过暗恋对象，但后来我意识到，我从来没有和那个人交谈/互动过，所以更像是从远处的仰慕）。
我认为我单身的原因：
1.我不经常出门。这导致遇到合适的人的机会减少。但是，我又参加了一项主要由男性主导的运动--机会？
2.我是内向的人。我不是那种随便走动和自我介绍的人，所以除非男方很勇敢，否则是不会有故事发生的。

Appearance and personality. I do not think I am ugly, I think I am fairly decent looking person (obviously appearance is not everything). So maybe it is my personality? I am not really a bubbly and ray of sunshine person. I am a quite calm and rational person and sometimes I am too honest (which can lead to unintentionally hurting someones feelings). My sister used to say “With that personality you will never get a boyfriend”. I always laughed it off, but it did kinda hurt to hear that.
I am waiting for the right person. I have had the time to analyse the relationships around me and now know what I would consider as a healthy/good relationship. I now know what personality traits I would like to see in a person, maybe that makes me picky or more sextive, but I just do not want to waste my time on and with the wrong person. I have seen people move from one person to another just because they can not stand to be alone, or people in dysfunctional relationships.
Emotional barrier. I find it hard to open up to someone and being vulnerable to a person.
That being said, I always wonder what other people have that I do not. Sometimes I also ask myself, if something is wrong with me (not necessarily due to 0 relationships, but due to not having experienced what it is like to fall in love). Though, I sometimes get the impression that Western culture overemphasises the importance of being in a relationship.

3.外表和性格。我不认为我很丑，我认为我是相当体面的人（显然外表不是一切）。那么也许是我的个性问题？我并不是一个充满泡泡和阳光的人。我是一个相当冷静和理性的人，有时我太诚实了（这可能导致无意中伤害了一些人的感情）。我姐姐常说："以你的个性，你永远也找不到男朋友"。我总是一笑置之，但听到这话确实有点受伤。
4.我在等待合适的人。我有时间分析我周围的关系，现在知道我认为什么是健康/良好的关系。我现在知道我想在一个人身上看到什么样的个性特征，也许这让我变得挑剔或更有选择性，但我只是不想在错误的人身上浪费我的时间。我看到人们从一个人转到另一个人，只是因为他们无法忍受孤独，或者人们处于不正常的关系。
5.情感上的障碍。我发现很难向人敞开心扉，对一个人脆弱。
既然如此，我总是想知道其他人有什么我没有的东西。有时我也会问自己，是不是我出了什么问题（不一定是因为0关系，而是因为完全没有经历过恋爱的感觉）。虽然，我有时会觉得西方文化过分强调了恋爱的重要性。

Ciara Stephens
I’m in the same boat (single since 1994). I agree with all the things you listed and it also makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It seems by now that it should have happened but it hasn’t and as you said there is a bit of suspicion in the western world that if you haven’t dated by early twenties then something must be off about you. It really baffles me because I know people who were randomly approached by men/women or it just happened with them not even trying. Those kinds of things are what make wonder whether something’s wtong with me.

我也是如此（自1994年起单身）。我同意你列出的所有事情，这也让我想知道我有什么问题。到现在为止，似乎应该已经发生了，但是还没有，而且正如你所说的，西方世界有一点怀疑，如果你在20多岁时还没有过约会，那么你一定有问题。这真的让我很困惑，因为我认识一些人，他们会被男人/女人随机地接近，或者他们甚至没有尝试，就这样发生了。这类事情让我怀疑自己是否有问题。

Ble Tolife
Me too since 1995
The bad thing is that i dont even have crushes and also I just see men like this i no attraction even the tiniest lol nothing …An.d now with corona i am seeing my friends getting married or engaged and i am still here … .lucky you live in western country not like africa where people will make you more depressed with their questions like why you still dont have someone

我也是，从1995年开始单身
糟糕的是，我甚至没有暗恋的对象，还有，好像我对于男性没有吸引力，哪怕是最微小的，笑，一点都没有......现在有了COVID，我看到我的朋友结婚或订婚，我还在这里......幸运的是，你生活在西方国家，而不是像非洲，人们会用他们的问题让你更郁闷，比如为什么你仍然没有人。

Aurora Diana
The same as me! :O

我也一样！:O

Derrick Ng
, INFJ-A(learning to be more optimistic with life)
I am turning 22 and have always been single. (never had a genuine relationship with the opposite gender)
1.Unique interests
I am into solo endurance sports such as running/swimming, while most girls are into team sports that require a lot of coordination such as rugby,etc. I am also into animes and MMORPGs, while most girls are into watching korean dramas/reality TV shows. All of this,makes it harder to interact with the opposite gender,especially with differing hobbies. Likewise, I don’t really believe in “changing” myself to suit the interests of others as I will rather lead a genuine life than to lie my way through the relationship.
2.Preference for slower and less materialistic pace of life
I guess this applies to many girls in my hometown, who prefers a faster and more materialistic pace of living. Common conversations often involve worries about finances for the future and worklife. On the other hand, I prefer to converse about “life” away from the regular work and financial concerns, such as personal past time and current affairs. I prefer to live life with lesser worries, whenever possible.

我快22岁了，一直都是单身。(从未与异性发生过真正的关系)
1.独特的兴趣
我喜欢单独的耐力运动，如跑步/游泳，而大多数女孩则喜欢需要大量协调的团队运动，如橄榄球等。我还喜欢动漫和多人在线网游，而大多数女孩都喜欢看韩剧/真人秀节目。所有这些都使我更难与异性交往，尤其是在不同的爱好方面。同样，我也不太相信"改变"自己以适应他人的兴趣的做法，因为我宁愿过一种真正的生活，而不是在关系中撒谎。
2.倾向于较慢的、不那么物质化的生活节奏
我想这一点适用于我家乡的许多女孩，她们更喜欢更快、更物质的生活节奏。常见的谈话经常涉及对未来财务和工作生活的担忧。另一方面，我更喜欢谈论远离常规工作和财务问题的"生活"，如个人过去的时间和时事。只要有可能，我更愿意在生活中少些忧虑。

3.I am highly mysterious
I guess that is a common trait among the INFJ personality. There are things that I interpret in a different way, compared to the general populace. For instance, I find it comfortable interacting with people on a regular basis,but perfectly fine to disappear the next moment,spending time away from people.
I think my personality type is also more focused on the process of getting a relationship, rather than the product of getting one. This means that there is a high likelihood that once we are fell out in a single relationship(could be friendly relationships that turned out to be a friend zone), we are unlikely to get into another since we felt that we are the ones at fault.
Overall,I am kinda happy about being single. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing since I like to travel around and live in different countries for a span of time.(1–3 years) If I was attached, the chances of doing that is close to zilch, since relationships are mainly about stability and staying put. Every moment I think of someone in a relationship, I will remind myself that I am fortunate to be single.

3.我具有高度的神秘感
我想这是INFJ（内倾/直觉/情感/判断）性格中的一个共同特征。与一般人相比，有些事情我是以不同的方式来解释的。例如，我觉得平时与人交流很舒服，但这种感觉下一刻就消失了，花时间远离人们，这也是完全可以的。
我认为我的性格类型也更注重获得关系的过程，而不是获得关系的结果。这意味着，一旦我们在一段关系中失败（可能是一种友好关系，结果变成了朋友圈），我们很可能不会再进入另一段关系，因为我们觉得自己是有错的。
总的来说，我对单身感到有点高兴。这不一定是坏事，因为我喜欢到处旅行，在不同的国家生活一段时间（1-3年）。如果我有伴侣，这样做的机会几乎为零，因为关系主要是关于稳定和保持原状。每当我想到有人在谈恋爱的时候，我就会提醒自己，我很幸运能成为单身。

Biscuit Martinez
I mean this with no disrespect, but, you might just be ugly lol. But hey so am i and i married. I would just wait and don’t panic. There’s always someone, just be more confident, make them laugh and pay attention to them

我提起这个没有任何不敬，但是，你可能只是有点丑，哈哈哈。但是，我也是，而且我结婚了。我只是等待，不要惊慌。总会有人的，只是要更有信心，让她们开怀大笑并注意她们。

Derrick Ng
Yeah, I just feel like I lost faith in getting into a genuine relationship as most girls in my country are looking for material stuff and appearance, as opposed to personality.

是的，我只是觉得我对建立一段真正的关系失去了信心，因为我的国家的大多数女孩都在寻找物质上的东西和外表，而不是个性。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Lauren Ramesbottom
, 4+ years writing on dating, love, women and sexuality.
It’s funny, that ‘singledom’ constantly comes under question — as if remaining single for any extended period of time is a confusing concept for the masses or something constantly worth delving into.
Following a particularly volatile relationship part way through my University career, I spent the next 5 years as a (predominantly) single entity. It wasn’t as if I made any grand declarations to avoid relationships — and trust me, there were still emotional connections and almost-relationships cultivated within that timefrx — it just happened that way. While I’ve admittedly never been one who felt an instinct for co-dependence, I knew in my gut that I wanted to take some time to get to know myself better, and further romanticize my own independence.

有趣的是，"单身 "不断受到质疑--仿佛在任何长时期内保持单身对大众来说都是一个令人困惑的概念，或者是值得不断深入研究的东西。
在我的大学生涯中，在一段特别不稳定的关系之后，我花了5年时间（绝大部分）作为一个单身实体。这并不是说我做出了一份什么宏大的声明来避免关系--相信我，在那个段时间内我仍然有着情感联系和几乎是关系的培养--它们只是顺其自然地发生了。虽然我承认我从来不是一个有着病态般依赖着对方的本能的人，但我的直觉告诉我，我想花一些时间来更好地了解自己，并进一步固化我自己的独立。

For years, I’ve watched from the sidelines as friends and loved ones poured themselves into new relationships, seemingly without skipping a beat (or taking much of a breath). And time and time again, I watched the same fundamental issues tear holes in their romance once the idyllic ‘newness’ wore off and reality seeped into the cracks in their foundation.
Here’s the thing — seeking a relationship before you’ve come to terms with your relationship with yourself and before you’ve finished licking the wounds from relationships past, is like trying to build a house before laying the foundation. The house might look nice, and new, but once a storm hits — will it have the bones to remain standing?

多年来，我一直从旁观者的角度看着朋友和所爱的人毫不犹豫地（或花太多时间）不断将自己投入到新的关系中。而一次又一次，我看到一旦田园诗般的"新意"消失，现实渗入他们基础的裂缝，同样的基本问题就会在他们的恋情中撕开缺口。
事情是这样的--在你还没有接受你与自己的关系，还没有完成舔舐过去关系的伤口之前，就寻求一段关系，就像在打地基之前试图建造一座房子。房子可能看起来很好，也很新，但一旦暴风雨来临，它的架构能顶得住吗？

I spent my childhood developing an up-close, intimate understanding of the weak points of my parent’s relationship. I saw the ways in which the years wore on them, how time and family tribulations altered their respective identities. I watched the ways in which they punished each other, lashing out while still desperately clinging to a companionship they once imagined to be enough. But I also came to understand their dedication to each other, even when any romantic sentiments had long since worn thin. This concept of partnership and marital loyalty, right or wrong, is seemingly scarce amongst today’s generation. It’s simply too easy to walk away, to start again and relish in the continued appeal of new, unattached romance. And while no part of me hopes to arrive, years later, in a relationship or marriage that no longer inspires romantic/intimate appreciation, I do know that love and loyalty are serious concepts to me.

我在童年时对我父母关系的弱点有了近距离的了解。我看到了岁月对他们的侵蚀，时间和家庭的磨难如何改变了他们各自的身份。我看到了他们惩罚对方的方式，在拼命坚持他们曾经认为足够的陪伴的同时，也在抨击着对方。但我也开始理解他们对彼此的奉献，即使任何浪漫的情感早已消逝。这种伙伴关系和婚姻忠诚的概念，无论对错，在今天这一代人中似乎都很稀缺。转身走开简直太容易了，重新开始，津津乐道于新的、没有关系的浪漫的持续吸引力之中。虽然我一点也不希望自己会落到一个在多年后双方不再激发浪漫/亲密欣赏的关系或婚姻中，但我确实知道，爱和忠诚对我来说是严肃的概念。

But I can only expect to attract that kind of a relationship (one with true staying power and relevance) into my life, if I’m standing on solid ground. So, I’ve spent the last 5 years putting myself first, dedicating all my attention to the hard lessons I needed to learn without leaning on a temporary romantic partner. I’ve developed an intimate understanding of myself, my needs, my expectations and my pain points as a potential partner, to know exactly what I bring to the table. I’ve experienced the temporary connections to better understand what I crave from the long-term connections. I’ve built my career, carefully chosen my close circle, and worked to repair formerly broken relationships. I’ve made the big changes, felt the wrath of bad decisions, and celebrated the success of good ones. I’ve taken a step back during the moments when I found myself feeling lonely or romantically uninspired, and asked myself where that was coming from. Were there gaps in my independent foundation? Could I fill them myself? Was I (unnecessarily) comparing my timeline to that of others? And now… now that I’m truly comfortable on my own and so satisfied with my evolving sense of self? Now I know that I’m ready to get uncomfortable, with a partner.

但我只有站在坚实的基础上，才能期望吸引到那种关系（一种真正有持久力和亲密性的关系）进入我的生活。因此，我在过去的5年里把自己放在第一位，把所有的注意力都放在我需要学习的艰苦课程上，而不是靠一个临时的浪漫伴侣。我对自己、我的需求、我的期望和我作为潜在伴侣的痛点有了深入的了解，以清楚地知道我能给对方带来什么。我经历了暂时的关系，以便更好地了解我渴望从长期关系中得到什么。我已经建立了我的事业，仔细选择了我的亲密圈子，并努力修复以前的破碎关系。我做出了重大的改变，感受到了错误决定的愤怒，也庆祝了好的决定的成功。当我发现自己感到孤独或缺乏浪漫灵感的时候，我曾退后一步，问自己那是怎么来的。我独立的基础中是否有缺口？我可以自己填补这些空白吗？我是否（不必要地）将自己的时间线与他人的时间线相比较？而现在......现在我已经真正适应了自己的生活，并对我不断发展的自我意识非常满意？现在我知道，我已经准备好了，和一个伴侣一起慢慢变得不舒服。

Because that’s what relationships are. They are uncomfortable. Sure, they invite love and intimacy and romantic connection, but those elements don’t come without emotional growth. They don’t come without compromise, mutual understanding and sometimes, conflict. So, if you’re already uncomfortable on your own, how can you expect to hold up your end of the bargain in a relationship? How can you expect to advocate for your relationship, if you can’t advocate for yourself?
That is precisely why I’ve spent so much time of my young, adult life single (until this past July, to be exact). Not only because I just hadn’t met the right person yet — and I’ll be damned if I ever date someone for the hell of it, or to fill a void — but because I had work to do. Because I understand that time and energy is our most valuable currency, and while so much of what happens in life is out of our control, who we pay those parts of ourselves to (especially romantically) is not. And guess what? I fully intend to get the best bang for my buck.

因为这就是关系的本质。它们就是不舒服的。当然，它们会带来爱、亲密和浪漫的感觉，但这些元素不会在没有情感成长的情况下出现。它们不是没有妥协，没有相互理解，有时还有冲突。因此，如果你自己一个人就已经不舒服了，你怎么能指望在一段关系中坚持你的交易呢？如果你不能为自己辩护，你怎么能期望为你的关系辩护？
这正是我在年轻的成年生活中（确切地说，直到今年七月）花了这么多时间单身的原因。不仅仅是因为我还没有遇到合适的人--如果我曾经为了就想找一个人而约会，或者为了填补空虚而约会，那我就太该死了--而是因为我有工作要做。因为我明白，时间和精力是我们最宝贵的货币，虽然生活中发生的很多事情是我们无法控制的，但由我们把自己的这些部分交给谁（尤其是浪漫的）却不是。你猜怎么着？我完全打算让我的钱得到最好的回报。

Huang Biling
, Jewelry Designer
I used to be asked if I had a boyfriend,they were all surprised when I said no.They said I cant be single in my condition,I must be too demanding.I didnt agree at first:”I am just looking for someone who can communicate with me and just as long as he is not ugly.How is this demanding?”But I came to understand,I do demanding!The things I pursue are not as the things in the shop:can be bought right now with money,or get them with hard working. The things I want are desirable are not feasible. It is too hard for me to meet the people I find attractive,besides also need he is to be attracted by me.
I have been single for nearly 3 years.The thing I have learned is:True love is hard to find.I doubt I will ever find it.I cant do it like some people do :just get to know each other quickly and begin a relationship. I hope we can get to know each other deeply,Age,culture,material,etc.,are not important,What important are we have the same interests，same values,and be willing to always communicate and share. It sounds easy,In fact like the movie said:To find someone you actually love,who will love you,the chances are always minuscule.

以前有人问我有没有男朋友，我说没有，他们都很惊讶。他们说我这种情况不可能单身，一定是要求太高了。我一开始不同意："我只是想找一个能和我交流的人，只要他不丑就行，这怎么算要求高呢？"但我渐渐明白，我确实要求高！我追求的东西不像商店里的东西，可以马上用钱买到，也可以通过努力工作得到。我想要的东西是理想的，但不可行。 我很难遇到我认为有吸引力的人，此外还需要他被我所吸引。
我已经单身近3年了。我学到的东西是：真爱是很难找到的。我怀疑我是否能找到它。我不能像有些人那样做：只是迅速了解对方然后就开始一段关系。我希望我们能深入了解对方，年龄、文化、物质等都不重要，重要的是我们有相同的兴趣，相同的价值观，并且愿意经常沟通和分享。这听起来很容易，实际上就像电影里说的那样：要找到一个你真正爱的人，并且会爱你的人，机会总是微乎其微。

In the meantime,nowdays,in my country,people are so busy with their work,one or two encounters are not enough to see the real person,and we cant afford more.For example,like me,If I have a crush on someone at first,when I meet him I might be a little constrained and might say something stupid(I am not like this if he is the man in the street).Actually I am a very cheerful person,always make people around me happy.But he deny me before he see the other side of me.Work is busy,tired,people dont want to waste time going out on dates if they dont feel right about the dates.I believe things like this also happen among the boys I refuse.Maybe we have met the right person,but we missed him\\\\\\\\her for all kinds of stupid reasons.
Sometimes I also feel lonely before I meet love，I think the only thing I can do is:Put some energy into my career,that I have the ability to do the things I want to do.Get to understand what I want and implement them.I can live very well with myself,It can say perfect if I met true love in this state of life,if cant met,well,we dont have to be perfect to be happy ,right?

同时，现在，在我的国家，人们忙于工作，一两次的接触不足以真正了解一个人，我们也无法承受更多。例如，像我，如果我一开始就对某人有好感，当我见到他时，我可能会有点拘束，可能会说一些愚蠢的话（如果他是街上随机的人，我不会这样的）。 其实我是一个很开朗的人，总是让周围的人开心。但他在看到我的另一面之前就拒绝了我。工作很忙，很累，如果对约会没有感觉，人们就不想浪费时间出去约会。我相信这样的事情也发生在我拒绝的男孩中。也许我们已经遇到了合适的人，但我们因为各种愚蠢的原因错过了他。
有时我也会在遇到爱情之前感到孤独，我想我唯一能做的是：把一些精力放在我的事业上，我有能力做我想做的事情，了解我想要什么并实施它们，我可以很好地与自己相处，如果我在这种生活状态下遇到真爱，它可以说是完美的，如果不能遇到，好吧，我们不一定要完美才能幸福，对吗？
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Robert Black
I believe the best way to meet someone is make a list of what you enjoy doing and then join a club or take a class or volunteer in that activity. That way you meet someone that has the same interest and you can talk about the activity which makes it easier to get to know each other.
For example lets say you love nature, then join a hiking club or get involved with Sierra Club or the equivalent in your country.

我相信认识某人的最好方法是列出你喜欢做的事情，然后加入一个俱乐部或参加一个课程，或在该活动中做志愿者。这样你就会遇到有相同兴趣的人，你可以谈论这个活动，这使你更容易了解对方。
例如，假设你喜欢大自然，那么就加入一个徒步旅行俱乐部或参与某个俱乐部或你所在国家的类似活动。

Yeo Jian Long
It takes a long time to get to really know someone, to know whether they share similar interests and values with you. Perhaps it's because of society nowadays, we want to be instantly gratified, an expectation to feel that sense of connection when we meet someone. In movies, it happens. In reality, it doesn't… On first dates people put on masks, presenting their best.. Or worst impressions to each other.
All I can say is, to be patient. I could use the same advice for myself haha

要真正了解一个人，要知道他是否与你有相似的兴趣和价值观需要很长的时间。也许这是因为现在的社会，我们希望立即得到满足，一种期望在遇到某人时感受到那种联系的感觉。在电影中，它发生了。在现实中，这不会发生...在第一次约会中，人们只是戴着面具，展示他们最好的，或最坏的印象给对方。
我所能说的是，要有耐心。这个建议对我自己也适用，哈哈。

Tony Dong
right, love costs too much for most people. but i’m lucky, maybe not lucky, just because i was persistent on her, and finally she became my wife. and we have a son who is 3 years old now.
so what i want to say is love is also a important thing, maybe most of us human are losing it. as a man, i must say the male in china are under too many pressures, they are afraid or not so willing to chase girls. it’s a pity.

是的，爱对于大多数人来说都太昂贵了。但我很幸运，也许不是幸运，只是因为我对她很执着，最后她成了我的妻子，我们有一个儿子，现在3岁了。
所以我想说的是，爱也是一件很重要的事情，也许我们大多数人都在失去它。作为一个男人，我必须说中国的男性承受了太多的压力，他们害怕或不太愿意去追女孩。这很可惜。