作为父母，在你所有的孩子里，你是否更偏爱其中一个孩子

Rebecca Baldwin, Raised 3 children. I have 2 children in their 20's

一个养育了3个孩子的人。而我有两个20多岁的孩子。

“You always liked Daniel more than us! You loved him more and I KNOW IT”, my 17 year old daughter screamed through her tears. Her brother had been dead a week, and this is what she thought.
I felt sick to my stomach.
Holding my head in my hands from my own grief, I thought, “This can’t be happening”. On top of everything else, my daughter just told me that she believed she and her brother had not been loved as much as the brother who had just died.
Where did I go wrong? I gave them so much of my life, love, and time .
Could it be true? Did I love my first son more?
I went over as many memories as I could to see if I could attribute her exclamation towards me as true. I was more than confident and more than convinced each child received from me 100% of what I had each day.
Yet, something was still nagging at me…was she right after all?
I knew when I had first fallen in love. It was when I first saw my firstborn’s face. It was just him and me as as we fought our way to survive as a single mother and toddler.

”你一直都喜欢丹尼尔胜过喜欢我们！你更爱他，我知道。”17岁的女儿泪流满面地尖叫着。她的哥哥已经死了一个星期了，而她却仍然这样想的。我觉得很难受，我用手托着头，努力忍住自己内心的悲伤，心想”这不可能”。更重要的是，我的女儿告诉我，她觉得她和她的弟弟没有刚刚死去的哥哥那么受人爱戴。我到底是哪里做错了？我可是把我的生命、时间和爱都给了他们。
这是真的吗？我更爱我的大儿子吗？
我努力回忆了很多的往事，我想知道她对我的指责是否真的。但我很有信心也非常确信每个孩子都从我这里得到了我所拥有的一切。
但是，有些事还是让我很纠结，她这么想到底对不对？
当我知道我第一次坠入爱河，是在我第一次看到我长子脸的时候。作为一个单身母亲和一个蹒跚学步的孩子，只有他陪在了我身边，陪着我为了生存而奋斗。

As he grew, I watched him emerge into a limitless boy full of humor and curiosity, and I just loved him so much. His presence filled my life.
But with the births of my next two children, I fell in love with them too, each for their wonderful unique qualities. They both enamored me as they grew into remarkable human beings.
But sometimes, yes, there is that one child that we just “get” more than the others, and it's because though unique, they are similar in personality as us. It does not mean we love and like them more. There just seems to be more of a connection in understanding them, and I think this is what she sensed.
Also, in my grief, I could not stop thinking about him, and she viewed that as me liking and loving him more than her and her other brother, which wasn't the case at all.
She's grown now and I can look back and see she was pleading through her tears that she was scared over losing her sibling. She now sees how special she and her brother are to me in ways she is just learning to understand as she raises her own child --but I have always felt badly that she had ever thought such a thing. I frankly don't think she even remembers saying it …
But I do.

在他成长的过程中，我看着他从一个什么都不懂的小孩成长为一个充满幽默和有好奇心的、有着无限可能的男孩，我非常爱他。他的存在丰富了我的生活。
但后面两个孩子的出生，我也爱上了他们，因为他们都有着自己独特的优点。当他们长成一个很了不起的人的时候，他们也爱上了我。
但有时候，的确会有一个孩子比其他的孩子得到更多的关注和爱。但那是因为尽管他们都是独一无二的，虽然他们的性格和我们很相似，这并不意味着我们会因为相似的性格而更爱他们，或更喜欢他们。只是我们是在理解他们的过程中，加强了与他们之间的联系而已，我想，这就是她感受到的。同时，因为我在悲痛中，所以我无法停止去思念他，而她认为这是我爱他哥哥胜过爱她和她的另一个弟弟的证据，但事实根本就不是这样。
她现在已经长大了，但是我还是能想起那天她泪流满面跟我说的话，她害怕失去她的兄弟姐妹。她现在意识到她和她的哥哥对我来说是多么的重要，就像她在抚养她的孩子一样，她学会了理解我。但我还是一直很难过，因为她居然有过这样的想法。老实说，我觉得她自己都不记得她说过这句话了。但我一直记得。

Sean Stockemer, Senior SAP Consultant (2012-present)

SAP的高级顾问（2012年至今）

When I was a kid, my mom loved me more than my kid sister. I used to say this as a joke, when we were little. I was the firstborn, and sis came along 6 years later. Maybe all this is in my head, but we’ve all had a laugh about it a couple of times in the last 25 years, and nobody really stood up against my claims.
It’s not that she doesn’t love my little sister. Of course she loves her daughter, but I’ve always received preferential treatment. So…there’s our background. And that little tidbit doesn’t even approach relevance to the question.
Back to the question at hand. I’m 41 now, and I have 2 monsters of my own (1 boy and 1 girl).
Having not really grown up in an environment conducive to healthy emotional development (absent father and abusive step-father), I had always envisioned having a family ‘unit’. I described that (mostly to myself) as a sort of support network, who would/should always be there to assist when/if necessary. I had pictured us playing board games a couple of nights per week, going on walks in the woods holding hands, etc.

当我还是个孩子的时候，我妈妈爱我胜过爱我的妹妹。当我们还小的时候，我经常拿这个来开玩笑。我是第一个出生的孩子，我的妹妹是六年后出生的。也许这一切都是我的幻觉，但是在过去的25年里，我们都用这个开过几次玩笑，没有人敢反驳我的说法。并不是因为她不爱我的妹妹，她当然爱她的女儿，只是我总是受到优待而已。所以，这就是我们的背景。但这个小插曲和这个问题没有任何关系，我们现在回到这个问题上来。
我现在41岁了，我有两个小怪物，一个男孩和一个女孩。我并没有在一个有利于健康情感发展的环境中长大，因为我没有父亲，而且我的继父有虐待倾向，所以我一直想象着有一个家庭。我把它想象成一种网络，在必要的时候，会有人一直在那里提供帮助。我曾想象我们每周会有几晚腻在一起玩棋盘游戏，在树林里手拉着手散步等等。

Now little did I know that when I married and we conceived, I had been duped in the cruellest way imaginable. I later came to find out that my (now ex) wife, suffered from a condition known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn’t aware of this when we got to know each other, and I believed her lies throughout the relationship.
So, yeah…one weekend we’re playing with the 2 monsters. Emi was just a baby, and Ell was a toddler. Therefore one could have more fun with Ell. He would parrot words, fetch a ball, sit on command etc. My ex is also a dog-lover, so this sort of came out in her parenting as well. Meanwhile Emi was a bit more high-maintenance. She couldn’t really do any ‘tricks’. She would cry if you put her down…like ever. And she wasn’t the renowned conversationalist that her brother was. Really, at that point, the only thing she did better than her brother was make funny faces.
So we’re all on the floor and I’m playing with Ell, while the ex had Emi on her lap. Me and ‘The Big Mister’ are having fun dancin’ and what not. I think we’d built something out of blocks and knocked it down. We were laughing, the girls were watching and all was good with the universe.

我在结婚以及我妻子怀孕的时候，我被欺骗了。因为我到现在才发现我的妻子，现在是前妻了，患有一种叫做边缘性人格障碍的疾病。我们在谈恋爱的时候，我并没有发现这一点，在这段关系中，我一直被她的谎言欺骗着。
有个周末我们和我们家的两个小怪物一起玩。艾米还是个婴儿，艾尔还是个蹒跚学步的孩子。所以和艾尔在一起玩会更开心，因为她会鹦鹉学舌，会去捡球，会听从我们的命令等等。我的前妻也喜欢狗，所以他在抚养孩子的时候也会这样。与此同时，艾米有点难伺候，但她不会耍任何的花招，如果你把她放下，她就会哭。她也不像她哥哥那样健谈。真的，在那个时候，她唯一比她哥哥做得更好的就是扮鬼脸了。我们当时都坐在地上，我和艾尔在玩，而前妻则把艾米放在她的腿上，我和艾尔玩的很开心，正在开心地跳舞。我们用积木搭了个东西，然后又把它拆掉了，我们笑的很大声，妹妹在旁边看着很开心，一切都很美好。

Then their mom decided that she was jealous. She wanted to have fun and laugh and play with Ell. So she gave me Emi, and scooped Ell up and placed him on her lap. She then proclaimed that Ell was hers and that Emi would be mine.
Of course the statement was made in jest, but in the days, weeks, and months that followed that statement sort of proved to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Their mom slowly shifted her attention to Ell and began to neglect Emi a little. Of course at this age, Emi was too small to take note but I could see it. Ell would get candy or cake (something that I was never fond of, because I don’t think that toddlers need candy or cake in abundance- rather as a treat maybe once per month) and Emi would get dried bread-crust. Seriously. It sounds cruel, but their mom discovered that Emi enjoyed chewing on these crusts so whenever Emi got upset or cranky, their mom would throw her a piece of crust to gnaw on. Meanwhile she would then spoonfeed Ell a cup of yogurt or share an ice cream with him.
I made up for the deficit by cooking for Emi. To be perfectly honest, I cooked for all of us, but I would choose foods that Emi could eat and especially those that she liked best. Her favorite meal was grilled chicken and cheesy mashed potatoes with roasted carrots (I would caramelized the carrots a bit with some apples).

但是后来，他们的妈妈嫉妒了。她也想要开心，她也想笑，她想要和她一起玩。所以她把艾米递给了我，把艾尔捞起来放在她的膝盖上。然后她宣布，艾尔是她的，艾米是我的。
当然，这个声明是开玩笑的，但是在接下来的几天、几周、甚至几个月里，这个声明似乎变成了一个会实现的预言。
他们的母亲慢慢地把注意力转移到艾尔身上，开始有点忽视艾米了。当然，艾米在这个年纪还太小，没有注意到，但是我注意到了。艾尔会得到糖果或蛋糕，但是这是我从来都不喜欢吃的东西，因为我认为在学步的孩子不需要吃那么多糖果或者蛋糕，每个月吃一次就够了，但是艾米只得到了干面包皮。说真的。这听起来很残忍，但是他们的妈妈发现艾米喜欢嚼这些面包皮，所以每当艾米不高兴或者暴躁的时候，他们的妈妈就会给她扔一块面包皮让她啃。但与此同时，她会用勺子喂一杯酸奶或者冰淇淋给艾尔吃。
我经常会为艾米做一顿饭来弥补这个不足。老实说，虽然我为全家人做饭，但我经常会选择艾米能吃的食物，尤其是她最喜欢吃的食物。她最喜欢吃的就是烤鸡肉、奶酪土豆泥和烤胡萝卜。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Emi was much more emotionally needy than her brother was at that age. He would sit content in his crib without making a sound for periods of time when he woke, but when she woke up she needed to be taken out and entertained immediately. We could just lay him down and walk out of the room, but she needed to be carried and rocked to sleep before being gently laid in her crib. These tasks were then delegated to me. I didn’t obxt or even mind. I loved spending time with her and with her in my arms. Eventually my ex proclaimed that she could no longer perform these tasks, because Emi had grown to know my arms and refused to be comforted by her mother.
I never wanted to give up on my dream of our family being a cohesive unit, though, so I spent every moment possible with Ell. I really try to give them each equal attention, and love them both equally.
But the honest to goodness truth is that it’s simply not possible. Emi owns my heart. After I spent a year seeing her being ‘neglected’ and trying to make up for it, it’s just hard to break that habit.

艾米在那个年龄段比她哥哥更需要情感上的帮助。当艾尔醒来的时候，他会心满意足地坐在他的婴儿床上，不发出一点声音，但是当艾米醒来的时候，她需要被人立刻带出去玩耍。我们可以把艾尔放在床上，然后离开房间，但是艾米则需要一直被抱着，轻轻摇晃着入睡，然后才能温柔地放在婴儿床上。最后哄艾米入睡的这个任务被派给了我。我并不反对，甚至不介意这样做。我喜欢花时间和她待在一起，让她睡在我的怀里。但是最后，我的前妻却宣布，她再也不能哄艾米入睡了，因为艾米已经熟悉了我的臂膀，并且拒绝她妈妈的安慰。
但我从来都没有想过要放弃我的梦想：那就是要让我们的家庭成为一个团结的整体，所以我尽可能地花很多时间和艾尔在一起。我真的尽力给他们每个人同等的关注，同等的爱。
但老实说，这并不可能。因为艾米拥有了我的心。我看着她被她的妈妈“忽视”了，我花了一年的时间努力弥补这份缺失的爱，所以想要改掉这个习惯实在是太难了。

shley Bodnarchuck, studied at School of Hard Knocks

就读于Hard Knocks学校

You know what, I’m going to be honest.
Yes I do sometimes like one over the other, and vice versa.
Today my kids came home from school. Snacks are made and we sit down to talk about the day.
(Let me preface by saying that my 12 year old has recently begun to eagerly demonstrated how much more she knows about the world than her younger (nearly 7 year old) brother.
Me, so did anything exciting happen today?
A, “Nope.”
L, “Mommy I didn’t see the hedgehog today! I asked Mme Sonia but then I-she-I-she-I think she forgot.”
Me, “That’s alright. Maybe try again tomorrow?”
L, “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking! You know the hedgehog is in the classroom right beside mine?”
Me, “Oh my gosh. How delightful AND convenient! Well maybe your teacher will get a few minutes to take you in to see the little creature tomorrow.”
A, “The hedgehog is in Mme Julia’s class and that’s downstairs from you DUDE*.”
L, “No! He’s in the class next to mine!”
A, “No dude.” *patronizing tone inserted*

你知道吗，说实话，我有时会喜欢其中的一个孩子，有时候又会喜欢另一个孩子。
今天我的孩子们放学回家，我准备好了零食，大家坐下来聊聊这一天发生的事情。
首先，我想说，我12岁的女儿最近开始急切地展示她对世界的了解比她将近7岁的弟弟要多得多。
我：今天有发生什么令人兴奋的事情吗？
A：“没有。”
L：“妈妈，我今天没有看到刺猬！”然后我就去问了索妮娅太太，但是我想她忘了。”
我:“没关系。要不我们明天再去试试？”
L：“恩，我也是这么想的！你知道刺猬就在我的教室里吗？”
我：“哦，我的天哪。这也太让人激动了吧！也许明天你的老师会花几分钟的时间带你去看看这个小家伙。”
A：“刺猬在茱莉亚太太的班上，就在你楼下。”
L：”不！他在我的班上！”
A：”不是的。就是在楼下。”
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

“It’s downstairs.”
This is where I throw my hands up and say, “You know what? Maybe the hedgehog is in fucking Narnia for all I care.”
Yes. I drop f bombs with my kids.
No, they haven’t ever sworn, and I’m not sure when they will. Maybe when they’re 18? I’ve told them time and time again when they know the right audience and proper context they can use whatever word they feel appropriate, but that hasn’t happened. My daughter feels uncomfortable saying the term Shutup, let alone f bombs and shit.
Anyways. Today I like the 7 year old just a shimdgen more. Because he annoyed me less.
Here’s the thing. I love both of them equally in different ways. I would never tell them I dislike/don’t love them. I would never say one is irritating me more than the other.
Though I have no problem telling the both of them when they’re irritating me, because if I don’t tell them how exactly will they know?
And I seriously prose this question.
We live in a society (or so it seems) where there seems to be a lack of common sense. I teach my kids it’s okay to be irritated/upset/sad/mad/whatever feeling towards someone or something. It’s HOW you express your feelings that’s the important part.
My son can drive me up the wall with his over the top sensitivity. I love him to the moon and back of course, and I would never change him. I do tell him at least once a week; “You’re entitled to your emotions. You’re NOT entitled to act like a jerk because of your emotions.”
…In my head I say asshole though. Because I’m classy like that.
*Dude is a euphemism for my boy’s name.

在这个时候，我就会举起手来说，“你知道吗？也许刺猬就在纳尼亚，我才不管他在哪里呢。”
是的。我对我的孩子们扔了一个重磅炸弹。
他们从来都没有说过脏话，我也不确定他们什么时候会说脏话。也许当他们18岁的时候？我一遍又一遍地告诉他们，他们要在合适的听众和合适的语境中说合适的话，但这并没有发生。我女儿说“闭嘴”这个词时候就会感到不自在，更不用说”去他妈的“之类的话了。
不管怎么说。我今天更喜欢我7岁的孩子多一点点。因为他不会烦我。
事情是这样的。我对他们的爱都是一样的，只是方式不同而已。我永远都不会跟他们说，我不喜欢或者不爱他们。我也永远不会说谁会更容易激怒我。
不过，当他们惹恼我的时候，我会毫不犹豫的就告诉他们，因为如果我不告诉他们，他们又怎么会知道呢？
我认真地提出了这个问题。
我们似乎生活在一个缺乏常识和同理心的社会中。我教导我的孩子，你可以对任何人或任何事感到生气、难过、悲伤、生气，你可以有任何感觉。因为你如何表达自己的感受才是最重要的。
但是我儿子的过度敏感会让我抓狂。当然，我永远也不会改变他。我确实每个星期都至少告诉他一次：“你有权控制自己的情绪。但你没有权利因为自己的情绪而表现得像个混蛋。”
在我的脑海里，我会说混蛋，因为我就是这么优雅。

David Schneider, Professor Emeritus of Psychology & Cognitive Sciences

心理学和认知科学名誉教授
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

It can happen, and I suspect does more often than we’d like to admit. As Jae Starr points out liking is not the same as loving. Many parents have expectations for their children — selfish or not — and it’s easier to like the kid who seems to be meeting them. Also there’s often a compatibility issue. Some children are simply easier to get along with than others. Sometimes that’s just a matter of resistance on the part of the child or being argumentative. But sometimes it’s just a matter of personality similarity. But your love often transcends all that. One of my daughters was a difficult child — willful and opinionated and very focused on what she wanted — while the other was easy and accommodating. I found it (and still do) much easier to relate to the first because we share more interests and fundamental values. The second had a more difficult time coming to grips with life and made some semi-serious mistakes. In a sense I think for a while I loved her more because I felt so bad for her, and, yes, a little guilty that I had done something wrong. But they are now both accomplished and happy adults with accomplished and happy children of their own; I still find it easier to talk with the one, but I see the other more often and have a very warm spot in my heart for her.

这是很有可能会发生的，而且我怀疑这发生的频率比我们想象中的还要多。正如 jae starr提出的那样，喜欢和爱是不一样的。大多数的父母对他们的孩子都有期望，不管自私与否，人们更容易喜欢那些符合他们期望的孩子。此外，还经常存在兼容性的问题。有些孩子就是比其他孩子更容易相处。有时，这只是孩子在抗拒和起争执，但有时这只是性格相似的问题，但你的爱常常超越了这一切。我其中一个女儿是个很难相处的孩子，她任性、固执、而且非常专注于她想要的东西。而我另一个孩子则很随和、包容。我发现我和前者建立联系要容易得多，直到现在仍然如此，因为我们有很多共同的兴趣和基本的价值观。而第二个人在面对生活的时候就困难得多，她犯了很多严重的错误。在某种意义上，我觉得我有一段时间更爱她，因为我为她感到难过，而且，我对自己好像做错了什么而感到内疚。但他们现在都是成功、快乐的成年人了，他们也有自己成功快乐的孩子了，我仍然觉得我和其中的一个孩子交谈更容易，但是我看向另一个孩子的次数更多了，并且对她的内心充满了热情。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

I might also point out that feelings between parents and children change and sometimes dramatically over time. It is, I think, one of the great psychological mysteries of life as to how we manage parent-child relationships after all the changes that take place with kids (and sometimes adults as well). It’s very hard for parents to accommodate themselves to the fact that their children mature and to try to realize that they’re no long children. And sometimes it’s hard for children to accommodate themselves to the realization that parents have lots of flaws, perhaps more visible as the child ages, and that, yes, indeed, they did screw up sometimes in raising said child. It’s right up there with the mystery of how two people can stay married to one another for a long time. Speaking as one who has been married over 50 years, it still is a mystery.

我还要指出，父母和孩子之间的感情会随着时间的推移而发生变化，有时甚至是急剧变化。我认为，在孩子，当然有时也包括成年人，经历了这么多变化之后，我们该如何管理父母与孩子之间的关系，这是生活中最大的谜团之一。父母很难接受孩子成熟的事实，很难意识到他们已经不再是孩子了。有时候，孩子们很难接受父母也有很多缺点这样的事实。也许随着孩子年龄的增长，这些缺点会越来越明显，而且，他们确实在养育孩子的过程中犯了很多错误。这就是两个人如何能长久维持婚姻的神秘之处。对于一个结婚50多年的人来说，这仍然是个谜。

aylor Schoen, Intake & Reimbursement Liaison (2013-present)

收支联络员（2013年至今）
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

During my senior year of High School, I took a course called Human Relations. During class one afternoon, the instructor had mentioned that if there is more than one child in a family, there is a favorite child. She said some parents don’t notice or see it, while others do and just deny it, but that it is very well true.
I cannot speak on behalf of parents, but I can tell you my family’s favorite is the firstborn, my older sister. There is definitely hardships for me, family wise. I am the middle child and the second daughter. My sister is the firstborn and the first daughter. My brother is the baby and the first-and-only boy. Can you see my predicament? My parents used to brush off all my complaints as “middle child syndrome” and would make jokes with everyone about it. Now that I’m a young adult, I’ve learned it will never change. I could be POTUS and they would still find some way to gush about my sister..
I wish some people would be more honest. We all see it. We are not blind. Sh*t like this is why we grow up and act out or do things the way we do.
I know I will never be able to get my parent’s attention the way my sister does. Maybe one day I will come to terms with it. In the meantime, I have decided I wont bring anymore than one child into this world. I wouldn’t want them to feel the way I did growing up.
It’s like toast. You only get so much jam to spread on the pieces of toast. There’s always one piece that gets more. (Usually the first because you underestimate and give the first one a lot, only to realize you don’t have enough for the other).

在我高中的最后一年，我修了一门叫做人际关系的课程。在一堂下午的课上，老师提到说，如果一个家庭有一个以上的孩子，那么这个家庭就一定会有一个最喜欢的孩子。她说，有一些父母可能没有注意到这个事实，而有一些父母则否认这个事实，但这就是事实。
我不能代表父母说话，但我可以告诉你们，我们家最喜欢的就是长子，我的姐姐。对我来说，我的家庭生活肯定很艰难。因为我是中间的那个孩子，二女儿。我姐姐即是第一个孩子，又是第一个女儿。而我的弟弟是个婴儿，也是唯一的男孩。所以你能看出我的处境了吗？我的父母对我的抱怨不屑一顾，认为我得了“中间孩子综合症”，还会拿这个和其他人开玩笑。但现在我已经是一个成年人了，我知道这是永远不会改变的。就算我是总统，他们还是会谈论我的姐姐。
我希望有些人能更诚实一点。我们都看到了，我们又不是瞎子。这就是为什么我们要长大，要按自己的方式来做事。
我知道我永远不可能像我姐姐那样引起父母的注意。也许有一天我会接受它。与此同时，我决定我不会再带第二个孩子来到这个世界上。因为我不希望他们经历我成长过程中的痛苦。
就像烤面包一样，涂在面包片上的果酱就这么多。总是有一块涂得比较多。通常是第一个涂得比较多，那是因为你低估了第一个，给了第一个很多之后，结果发现你无法给另外一个付出同样多了。